Not just your standard cooking bus. How bored we are of those! Ho hum another bus with the regular spatula attachment, I wish they would all just “cook off!” eh? But this is a special cooking bus, as it drives past people can be heard to say “That Bus really cooks” and then they limp off to find their bitches. What makes it so special? It has features that other cooking buses do not.
1. The bus driver has got a Michelin star; he got it by standing in the way of the Fat Duck when they were putting the star on. (He disguised himself as a wall) The Michelin star is stuck to his face so he often can’t see what he is cooking, this seems to not have an effect on his abilities.
2. The bus conductor gives out lollipops he winds them out of his ticket machine. They start off flat but they slowly inflate if you pull on a cord. Mostly the lollies taste of air. He never gives them to children because he once had a bad experience. (A child snatched a lolly from him and quipped “How about a baby steals candy from you!?”)
3. The wheels have whisks on so if you drive over ingredients they get whisked together. The odd pigeon might accidentally find itself in the mix but Chef says it just adds to the flavours. In the past a man had to follow the bus with a spatula to scrape up the mixtures but now it all gets sucked up a pipe into a bucket on the back seat. The technology for the pipes is similar to what you use in Hoovers, as for the bucket that’s just glued to the seat.
4. The steering wheel has rolling pins on it which makes it look like the wheel for a pirate ship. Bus Driver Dan says “It always makes me smile to imagine the life of a jolly jack driving the boat and raiding Spanish Galleons” What does he spend all those doubloons on? “Prostitutes!”. For safety reasons the rolling pins have been bolted to the wheel so that they don’t fly off and hit someone in the eye. It’s actually health and safety gone mad because it means you have to drive in a zig zag fashion in order to get the pastry flat.
5. Even though it is a special cooking bus, the cooking bus still runs on good old fashioned petrol. A lot of people expect it might use olive oil or piri piri sauce, but that wouldn’t make much sense as the cooking bus is supposed to make food not use it up. That’s like the baker shop where the baker doesn’t make any bread he just goes to ASDA to buy an artisan baguette then sits in the window of his shop eating it. He might insist that it isn’t a bakers shop it’s just his own house but then why does he look so much like a baker?
6. Where the Metro paper would normally be is grease proof paper, tin foil and cellophane. These are all the main types of paper involved in cooking. What about baking parchment? Where do you think you are Ancient Greece!? Why don’t we just get some papyrus!? What’s for dinner mother, ROAST IBIS? Not on my watch Rama Tut.
7. There is a spice rack on the rail that is normally for disabled people to help them stand up. No disabled people are allowed on the cooking bus because they might put their hand in the spices. The other day we had to dislodge a man who had caught his big thumb in the saffron.
The saffron had to be thrown away because as the saying goes “It may look clean but where has it been?” The ironic thing was the saffron already had bits of grit in it because it got dropped on the floor and we didn’t want to have to pay for a new one.
8. The bus can make into a robot who is a good cook. Anyone inside the bus will be immediately grinded up by the transformation cogs but that’s a small price to pay to get a delicious crepe. We might have put a special warning alarm on the bus but the boss said we would have to buy it out of our own money!
9. How many ovens are on the bus? Well it depends entirely on what you class as an oven. Technically there are only two, one on each deck. There is also a kiln in case all the plates run out but let me tell you that kiln makes pretty good calzone! Sometimes passengers like to start their own fires on the seats, it might give food a smoky taste but what if those fires spread to the oil stores? The whole thing would go up like a French tarpaulin!
10. Food nutritionators recommend to eat five pieces of fruit and veg a day but wouldn’t it be better to just eat thirty five pieces a week? It sounds like thirsty work but with the special equipment provided by the special cooking bus all those veggies and fruit can be reduced to a cola style drink. (I.e. brown) The secrets of this equipment cannot be revealed as it involves too many sharp implements that may cause the bystander to lose a finger. Just don’t go poking around at the back of the bus otherwise you will be asked to leave the bus and get a severe telling off for selling the ever lasting gobstoppers to Mr Slugworth.
11. Literally all the clothes are made of peanut brittle. If you go on the bus your clothes will also become peanut brittle. Peanut brittle will not turn into clothes, it will remain peanut brittle.
12. All the bic pens are on a big rotisserie to get roaster. The man keeps turning them around and around. “They aren’t quite done yet he says” but they are burnt to a crisp! The man in charge of the rotisserie isn’t employed by the bus company he just turned up one day with his own pens. Former bus driver Charleston did ask him what he thought he was doing but the man just jabbed a pen through his nipple and laughed. That is why Charleston will no longer work on the bus and why it is recommended not to go near the rotisserie.
13. Part of the top deck is open to the elements for the provision of barbecue. Just try to be quiet because there is also a guided tour going on. Obviously we can’t drive the bus with a barbecue on top because it might tip over and all the sausages would fall onto the road so the tour guide just guesses where we might be if we had kept driving. He often seems to think that the bus would go around strip clubs and mah-jong parlours; in fact he will often make detailed comments about the mah-jong hands he can see through the windows.
14. In honour of the film Ratatouille the head chef has invented a rat that can do all the cooking. He found that if he fastens the arms and legs of the rat to chopsticks he can make the rat do whatever he wants by manoeuvring the chopsticks. A lot of people can be wary of this as they still remember the days of the bubonic plague. Don’t worry the rat does not carry any plague, his fleas may but they are so small they can’t really do any harm. In any case the plague might have been ‘big noise’ in days gone by but now we have things like canninston cream and Lemsip MAX strength which not only cure the plague but actually render you sterile. Because after all isn’t the worst plague of all HUMANITY (No the worst plague of all is the one on Transformers which made everyone turn evil so they had to bring back Optimus Prime. It’s all well and good but then what is Rodimus prime supposed to do? He has to take compulsory redundancy and no one else will hire him because he’s overqualified.)
15. What drinks are available on the cooking bus? No drinks are available on the cooking bus because you can’t cook a drink. If you can’t digest the food without liquids then that’s your lookout. What do you think you are looking at out of your lookout? It’s a bus with no drinks on it. You can bring your own drinks if you like but if you spill them then you will have to clear them up yourself. Please note that fizzy drinks are not allowed because some children were shaking them up and then fizzing them into the faces of other children.
16. The upstairs deck is for unhealthy food and the downstairs deck is for healthy food. If you are too knackered to get upstairs then you obviously need some healthy food to keep you going whereas all those fit people dashing up the stairs like antelope need a good dose of lard to slow them down. Obesity might be a problem for the NHS but it certainly makes it easier to catch criminals. The one exception to the rule is the blob who resists being caught by being so fat that if you punch him or shoot him it just bounces off. Even Wolverine with his Adamantium claws could not cut through all that blubber. We have already decided that the blob should be banned from the cooking bus because he causes more problems than he solves.
17. The tools of the trade for any good chef is a large supply of sharp knives. Head Chef keeps a knife block on the gear stick and a sharpener on the handbrake. When asked how he changes gears or stops on hills he just points to an anchor and shrugs his shoulders.
18. The anchor for the bus was donated by Anchor butter as a promotional item. In many ways this is regretful because the anchor was stored in butter products and became all greasy. This means that it glides along the pavement rather than stopping the bus through friction. This is why if you want to get on the bus you have to be ready to jump.
19. Even though they don’t make drinks on the cooking bus they do have a big pot where you can stand on grapes. The resulting produce is never used to make wine, instead it is fired out of a cannon at poor people.
20. The freezer on the cooking bus is badly in need of defrosting but it is just so full that no one can be bothered. They just keep on hacking away at the ice with a bread knife whenever they want a funny foot.
21. Here is the emergency hammer. In case of emergency please break the glass and remove the hammer. Why is an emergency hammer behind some glass? Because people will think twice before putting a hand through some broken glass so it makes sure that it really is an emergency. Actually we took out the emergency hammer and used it to tenderise a steak and no one knows where it’s gone. Foreman Lencuros had it last but he says he put it in the dishwasher. I don’t like to make accusations but I emptied the dishwasher and there was nothing hammer shaped also Foreman Lencuros keeps going on about all the bits of glass he would like to knock out.
22. Instead of posters about rape and Chlamydia the cookery bus features posters about food. We made these posters ourselves so not everything is to scale and we think Terrence might have hidden some obscene imagery in one of them. Chairman Tunnock did a good job with the colouring in though so we haven’t the heart to take them down. The slogans for the food posters are
“Let’s be eating that all over.”
“Get it down yer cake –hole and then eatthe cake WHOLE”
“Utilise the power of the molar”
“This is delicious, no this is delicious, NO THIS IS DELICIOUS”
“Nouvelle Quiz Ian?”
“Berwick for broth, London for Lounge”
“You have up to twelve taste buds, lets take them for a test-drive”
“Osmosis is for John Gosis”
“Lick that thing”
“If you add up all the food then it comes out with more food”
“Heartburn, send it to the sin bin”
“Digestion is the question. The solution is fromage frais”
“I didn’t break the law, I am the law.”
“Foil’s War”
“Fridge it now, later for Mao”
“Go to work on the bus, but eat some food prior to this”
“Seabream’s goats”
23. Nouvelle Cuisine, we serve it all day. What about Northern people who say “Tha daint git enough fir yah moneys. Amma hunn grr” Well we put magnifier glasses in front of the food and they think it’s good value for money. “As our good friend Kanye North likes to say “Its reet belter value fur pund lark”.
24. All the steps on the bus can open up as smuggler holes and inside is where they keep all the tins of ingredients. If the police come then you press a button and all the custard powder is dumped in the road. They can’t prove nuffink! You could also hide illegal immigrants in it if you were a bit short of money.
25. There are no other features of the cookery bus. That’s quite a lot of features though, it’s a lot more features than the normal bus which only features a man putting a spatula in your shoe.
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