Special Constables
Why not volunteer as a special constable and support the work of your police force in the community?
Northumbria Police has a national reputation for excellence and is one of the leading forces in the country. It has a desire to continually improve the services it provides to its communities and is committed to doing so though the delivery of the Policing Pledge.
The Special Constabulary is a force of trained volunteers who work with and support their local police. The importance of the Special Constabulary cannot be under estimated and the need is as great today as it ever has been.
'Specials', come from all walks of life - they are teachers, taxi drivers, HR advisers, secretaries, or any number of other careers - and they all volunteer an average of four hours of their time each week to their local area, forming a vital link between the regular (full-time) police and the local community.
Joining the specials opens up a world of opportunity for personal and professional advancement. Undergoing the training and then going out on patrol makes a welcome break from day-to-day life, bringing excitement and challenge every day you volunteer.
So if you think you’re special enough to be a special constable and want to have an impact on the issues affecting people in your local area, find out more at:
www.northumbria.police.uk/specials
Police Chief Tizoc finds that making a joke about popular music group ‘the specials’ always breaks the ice when receiving a new group of trainees. However he does worry that they haven’t had a hit in years and possibly it is lost on the younger volunteers. “What else can I do, a joke about special needs would be in bad taste”. Sometimes if no one laughs he reminds them that a bad joke will be the least of their worries out on the streets and then he shows them pictures of stab wounds. “It soon gets them laughing again.”
Generally after this Tizoc lets them go home early because there isn’t that much you can do with the day, its mostly just admin anyway. Each volunteer must pay a fee of £38.00 to cover the cost of their equipment, they also have to pay an extra £5 .00 if they want a badge with their name on it.
Chief Tizoc:
“We don’t force people to have a badge because we realise they are quite expensive, if you don’t have a badge you can just write your name on a sticker which we will provide free of charge. I will say that we don’t make any profit on these badges, that’s simply the cost of manufacture. Most people do choose a badge though because it makes them feel more official and they find that criminals just tear the sticker off which undermines their authority. Most specials find that they recoup the money in bribes anyway.”
The next morning the volunteers are placed into the capable hands of Inspector Tockenheim. He takes them through some role playing scenarios which helps to prepare them for the right way to act in high pressure situations, of course that’s after they’ve all had the chance to see his famous illuminati pendulum!
Tockenheim:
“I find that everyone wants to see the pendulum even if they don’t come out and say it. I have tried doing these sessions without bringing out the pendulum and there’s always a negative energy in the room, people seem to act very strangely. So these days I just let everyone have a good fondle of it and then we can all relax and get on with it.”
In a gruelling three hour session, with only one small break, Inspector Tockenheim guides the recruits through scenarios such as what to do if you see a knife crime and what happens if you tell a child to pick up some litter and then their older brother comes and punches you with a knuckle duster. These sessions are renowned for their intensity and it’s not unusual for the recruits to not speak for day’s afterwards.
Tockenheim: “So in this scenario I’ll be playing the part of Jorath the space vandal and you play the part of yourself trying to apprehend me for my crimes. Now pretend you have just seen me stealing a big jar of phantasms.”
Conscript Drafz: “Excuse me young man, I don’t think that belongs to you does it?”
Tockenheim: “Alright lozza what you gonna do about it? My big brother is called Fenulous Greeg and he’s a hard knuckler. If you touch me then he will come round your house and bash you brickwise.
Conscript Drafz: “Sir I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”
Tockenheim: “Fat chance , tenlock, here comes my brother now.”
Conscript Drafz: “Well I don’t see anyone Sir, so I’m arresting you on charges of phantasm theft and threatening a police man.”
(He goes to capture Jorath)
Tockenheim: “Alright what’s going on ere like? I’m Fenulous Greeg and I ope some copper aint laying hands on our kid or else I’ll send his face ship shape.”
Tockenheim: Thanks goodness you were here dear brother, this brute has apprehended me when I was innocently bringing these Phantasms to mother as a Birthday present.
Tockenheim: Alright, lets get fenulous…
He proceeds to beat Conscript Drafz with a brass pipe.
Tockenheim: “See it’s not that I enjoy assaulting the recruits…although I do. Its that they have to be prepared for any situation. The conscript should have known from the police handbook that if you suspect a brass pipe may be nearby you call for backup! Anyway Phantasms theft is considered a civil matter as you can’t physically take a phantasm, only copy it for your own usage. Why were the police involving themselves in this situation?”
After lunch the recruits are taught police procedure by Constable Chambers. It’s very important that they take in all the details so that they don’t accidentally spoil a trial or pretend not to know when a foreigner is killed.
Chambers:
“Every copper has to know the basic rules, whether your chief of the met or the cardboard man at Morrison’s it’s always the same. Rule One: No matter how hot it is you can’t take off your uniform. Rule 2: If you don’t read a criminal his rights then he will be able to walk through the bars an escape. Rule 3: No rapes, no matter how tempting it is. Rule 4: Don’t make up your own weapons out of barbed wire and bits of pipe, you are only allowed to use the official police cudgel. You are however to give your cudgel a name. Apart from you can pretty much play it by ear, just don’t be silly because it spoils it for everyone else.”
“Well look we’ve all been tempted, we were all young men once. Don’t get me wrong I know how it feels when you look around, maybe you see a pretty girl and you think you’d like to know her better. It’s hard to find the time when your in a demanding job like this and then it occurs to you had to arrest her well that would be an excuse to talk to her…maybe get to know her. Then you might think about the bad things she had done, maybe very bad things, things she should be punished for but you can’t find any evidence. She’s too devious to leave any clues, the bitch. Don’t get me wrong it’s like the chief said to me ‘ Chambers you’re a policeman first and a rapist second, we’ll look after you’ and yeah most people go to prison when there’s that sort of evidence. BUT. People don’t forget about that kind of thing, I still can’t go into that big Tesco.”
Top five police cudgel names.
1. Ol’ No Ships
2. Officer Mahsington
3. Destruction Tool Zwei
4. Cool’dgel
5. Rasbock Ultra
Worst cudgel name
= Memories of Nathanial.
After this the recruits are certified as safe for cudgel wielding and receive a handsome certificate with their name printed on and a clip art of a man wearing many hats.
Chambers:
“I don’t know why he’s wearing that many hat’s and by the looks of him neither does he!”
Cudgels are handed out and then the recruits are sent home, but the work doesn’t end their. Constable Chambers has some homework for the prospective specials.
Chambers: “Right team we have intelligence about a prospective criminal working at the big Tesco, apparently she’s being spreading a lot of LIES about respected members of the community. So what I want you to do is take this video camera and get lots of filmed evidence of the suspects activities.”
After being chased out of the big Tesco by some tough looking security men the Specials finally go to bed. They’ll need a lot of sleep for the third day of training, a day commonly referred to as “The Mighty Glove”. The trainees will be attempting the police assault course under the watchful eye of Officer Rotaro.
Rotaro: “A lot of people wonder how you make an assault course. Well what I did was think of things that are hard to get past in normal life, things like bricks, barbed wire, tyres on the floor discarded X-ray machines. Of course the hardest thing to get past isn’t on the assault course because no one ever get’s past Officer Rotaro, they don’t call me ‘Rotaro the steel wall’ for nothing! One time a perp was running at me with an X-Ray machine and I just had to stand my ground, take the X-rays. Sometimes I think those X-rays changed me; sometimes I think I can see through people. I don’t want to say too much about it but sometimes all I can see is bones.”
Most of the recruits get a good start on the assault course, they duck the cheese wire suspended between two fence posts and are able to work together to disarm the crocodile with a flamethrower in its mouth. (One of them holds it’s mouth open while another shoots the gas canister out). Officer Rotaro never likes to make it too easy though, and once the first section of the assault course has been completed he ascends on his hover platform and starts throwing bricks at the recruits. Very few people escape this without at least a brief stay in hospital.
Rotaro: “Yes throwing bricks is dangerous, in the wrong hands. I’m a police officer and I know what I’m doing with a brick in my hand…the physics, weight, trajectory I’m always doing those calculations. Your average thug on the street he just picks up the brick and hopes for the best, probably ends up doing more damage to himself. Me I once killed a dog with a brick, how many people can say that?”
The assault course ends with a vertical wall climb up a plastic cliff face where all the grips have been covered by pictures of Bruce Willis. Rotaro calls this the “Willis Mile” and if the recruits can conquer it then they will be made special constables.
Rotaro: “Bruce Willis, he’s a tough man. Yes he plays a tough man in films but you don’t get to be in those sorts of films without being tough. When you watch die hard and you see Bruce Willis taking out all those terrorists you see it in his eyes. That man has seen some things they would never put in a film. And that’s why I hide broken glass behind the Bruce Willis posters, it’s all about being tough. You want to be in the specials you need to be tougher than anyone, because if Bruce Willis starts turning to evil then God help us all.”
On average only 5 out of a class of 30 recruits ever makes it past the final climb to become a special constable. This time only two make it. The rest are unable to continue after Officer Rotaro shoots them in the leg.
Officer Rotaro: “Strictly speaking you aren’t supposed to have a gun in this country ‘Legally’. But in America all the police have guns and they pretty much shoot anyone they want. So one day I just though ‘Why not?’. Sometimes I like to just stand and pose with it in the mirror and then you point the gun at the mirror and in a way it’s like pointing the gun at yourself. Sometimes I put the gun up to my head to see how it feels and you try to imagine what it would be like, what that bullet would feel like. Would you even be aware that t had happened? Its…intriguing. I once shot myself in the foot, to try and see what it would be like, it hurt a lot though. I thought if I went to the hospital they might find out about the gun and take it away so I just tried to cut the bullet out with a bread knife. It gave me a new respect for surgeons I can tell you that much. So far no one has noticed the missing toe.”
It’s unsurprising that after all this only a few make it to the rank of Special Constable. But what about those that don’t make it?
Tizoc: “Well as a final joke what we like to do is take them into a side room like on the film Men in Black and then show them a flashy light. It doesn’t actually make them forget anything but most times they have a good laugh pretending! That film is so good though, I haven’t ever met someone that didn’t enjoy it like the bit where Will Smith says ‘You know the difference between you and me, I’m a black man.’ That’s some funny stuff right their and then Tommy Lee Jones tells him to push the button’ and the car goes upside down! I saw the second one and it was a bit disappointing because it wasn’t as funny but you get to see a woman in her bra and pants so that sort of makes up for it.”
The recruits are certified as Special Constables and sent out on their new beats. It’s a day of celebration but the hard work is yet to come.
Tizoc: “To be perfectly honest with you it’s very difficult work and you aren’t actually paid. Basically it’s a way of making people do our jobs for us, I can’t believe it worked. The thing is that they do all this training and they think ‘I’m ready for the streets now, ready to stop some crimes.’ But they aren’t allowed to use any of the police equipment like the pepper sprays, riot shields or lawmaster bikes and they aren’t really supposed to arrest people they just have to tried and keep them still until a real policeman turns up. Anyone could do that really, I don’t know why they feel they need to be sanctioned by us, probably they like having authority over people. It’s all a bit strange if you ask me.”
Tockenheim: “It’s not that we want to encourage people to take the law into their own hands, but it certainly makes life easier for us. Some people might say vigilantism is a bad thing but that Batman film made loads of money.”
Constable Chambers: “Fair enough some of the jury did receive large sums of money but they could just have easily come from the defence.”
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