Subject: Little Britain
Dear BBC
I really like Little Britain and have watched it ever since its creation and would defend it against all its detractors, perhaps even more than I would defend the actual British isles from attack. Although that would be a far more dangerous situation so it's not really a good comparison. However I must say it has gotten a little boring lately because I've started guessing what will happen i.e. the man will say "I want that" and then he doesn't want it and then the other man goes like "Sigh". It's still very funny but in a different way because it's not really surprising anymore but you think that the man is probably abusing the other man at home and that's why he puts up with all the nonsense.
I realise that Luke and William are too busy attending Haribo openings and the like to think of some new characters so I have decided to help my thinking of some for them, it was no easy task let me tell you! It took me several months to get all of these right and there still aren't as many as on the programme but hopefully you could mix them round with some of the older characters for continuity - otherwise I could just have my own show. (Called Rouis World Festival) Please remember I'm doing this ‘pro bonus’ so I hope you appreciate it, it certainly made me more respectful of the licence fee as I think Luke and Williams should be paid up to 60 pounds because it's such hard labour, even harder than my normal job at the marine plant. In fact it got so difficult that in the end I took two months unpaid leave, I can't really afford it but I'm sure once you read these it will have all been worth it!
My first character is Called "Dr Sweets" he is a doctor who instead of prescribing medicine prescribes....SWEETS. His catchphrase is "You'll need sweets for that". I think he would probably be played by William as he is a bit more doctor like and also quite thin so he wouldn't be upset about playing a confectionary based character. (Unless he has rotted teeth. I don't think he looks like a man with cavities but if he does suffer from holey teeth then I apologise for the insult wholeheartedly.) Anyway here is an example of what Doctor Sweets does.
Int - A doctor's office.
Doctor Sweets is sat at a desk across from the patient (possibly played by the ginger man from the Orange cinema advert where he annoys Richard Gere)
Patient: So what is it doctor?
Doctor Sweets: Well the results came back today and I'm afraid it's bad news..
Patient: So I...
Doctor Sweets: Yes...you've got the AIDS.
Patient: Oh my god. Can we do anything?
Doctor Sweets: Well any other doctor would tell you its terminal but we could try one thing.
Patient: What's that doctor?
Doctor Sweets: You'll need sweets for that!
Patient: Cry
My other character is called Mr Yashimoto, he is a Japanese business man who likes to invest in companies but they always manage to offend him in some accidental way! (I have noticed that Japanese business men seem to be very temperamental or at least come across that way on television.)
Int - The office The boss is talking to Stoltz and Foggen.
The Boss: And don't forget that Mr Yashimoto from Yashimoto industries is coming today and we need to impress him or our big business deal will fail and we will all go bankrupt!
The Boss leaves
Stoltz: Foggen we better tidy this place up before Mr Yashimoto get's here or the boss will have our guts for garters!
Foggen: Yes Stoltz I’ll mop the floor.
Stoltz: Ok I'll go in the cupboard.
Some time later the office is tidier and Foggen is standing with the mop. Stoltz comes out of the cupboard.
Stoltz: Ahh good work with the moppiiiiiinn...
Stoltz slides on the wet floor into a wall bashing his front teeth and getting dust in his eyes making him screw them up. A lampshade falls from the ceiling onto his head.
Foggen: Are you ok Stoltz!?
Mr Yashimoto and the Boss come round the corner.
Stoltz: (With lampshade head, screwed up eyes and bashed teeth) Ahhhh sooo ahhh soooo
Mr Yashimoto: What is this!? You have brought DISHONOUR! There will be no deal.
The Boss: STOLTZ!
Mr Yashimoto: DISHONOUR!
He takes a katana from a brief case and beheads everyone.
Very funny I'm sure you will agree! I look forward to hearing from you to discuss my ideas further and am very excited about getting my words spoken on the television. (VERY excited in many ways)
All the best
- R. LaFemme
Subject: Little Britain
From: The BBC
Dear Mr LaFemme
Thanks for your e-mail.
I appreciate your interest in 'Little Britain' and I note your ideas for some new characters.
I'd like to assure you that I've registered your comments on our audience log. This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.
The audience logs are seen as important documents that can help shape decisions about future programming and content.
Thanks again for taking the time to contact us with your concerns.
Regards
Gottlieb McAlistair
BBC Complaints
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