Tea is bobbins.

Is there anything more offensive to the eye than a group of haggard old women gathered eagerly about a kettle noisily chatting about diamond car insurance and awaiting their next fix of Tetley tea men? It’s sad to say that in this world there probably is, for example,  when all the animals give you a look of contempt for the things you have done to the world. The problem is that those animals are morally justified but those old women are immoral in many ways, not only are they condoning the sexist and racist (there are countries where there are no women i.e. Ireland) but they are also involved in tea which in my opinion is worse than rapists. (Because if you drank a rapist he could not rape anyone else, unless you were forced to drink him by a pushy host at a function. Even though you told them you didn’t want a drink they brought you one anyway and you can't just leave it because then it looks rude. Then the rapist would be raping your insides and also may rape your outsides when you go to the toilet/sweat from being near a radiator/sit crying in the garden because you feel out of place and you didn’t want to come anyway.

So what’s wrong with tea? Surely it’s the worlds second best known brown drink and also a cornerstone of British culture? Questions asked only by fools! As we all know, people that drink tea are spineless and cannot survive in the real world. Here is the EVIDENCE.

People who drink tea are always trying to get people to make their stupid drink for them. This is because making tea is both a PROCEDURE and RIGMAROLE involving multiple spoons, heated water, a trip to the fridge, a special kind of cup with its own plate AND touching a horrible sort of gossamer bag that may contain dried tea leaves but could also contain voodoo dust. Bad enough that the tea drinkers cajole each other into risking oblivion through the voodoo wormhole but sometimes they might even try to get a normal person to make their foul drink for them. Such a request can only be met with a Texas Cloverleaf to the face. You may feel a slight twinge of guilt but just remember that even McCain Microchips (tm) only take three and a half minutes and you can EAT THEM. No drink is worth that kind of time investment because all drinks are forgotten as soon as the biscuits come round.

The complexities of the process also mean that tea is made in batches for many people, again making the tea drinker reliant on others. How pathetic to drink according to the whims of pack mentality. Also note how tea always has to be a warm drink. This is because the tea drinker is weak and without the heat of the tea they may freeze and become inoperable, perhaps if they drank a bit less tea and a bit more hi-juice their systems would be able to cope with sub tropical temperatures.  The way in which each tea drinker must make their demands known in the form of "No milk for me" "Two sugars" or even worse "Have you any Earl Grey?" is also indicative of the tea drinkers own ego-mania and inflated feelings of self worth. Not only do they require some sort of specially made hot brew it has to be EXACTLY as they like it. Do they think it would be acceptable to try and dictate the arrangements of the hydrogens and oxygens in water? Probably but we will never find out as drinking water does not involve anyone smelting ore.

The fact is that tea drinkers are damaged people with both a massive sense of their own importance, a craven reliance on others and a need to constantly feel loved and warm. Why don’t you face up to the real world tea drinkers? Maybe if you got up once in a while without your caffeine fix we could solve the problems instead of wasting time scalding our hands on teapots.

Peace out
- bobbins