ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. For example people often don’t expect to be stabbed in the face but if you do it cheerfully they are bound to enjoy it because its not often these days you see someone who truly enjoys their work. People rarely expect you to wear a box on your head either but by doing this you will improve the world, especially if the box has a picture of a dog on it and you look out of the eye holes.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. Or marry a mute and use the silence as a means of enjoying books and films. Do you honestly think you are going to meet someone more interesting than the combined talents of Hollywood and wherever books come from? (Reading) Get Jurassic Park on DVD as no one will ever tell you anything that is as interesting as watching a big dinosaur try to eat Jeff Goldblum and then Pete Postlethwaite tries to shoot a dinosaur with a big gun but it eats him while he shouts “Orange Juice”.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Anyone who has adopted a policy of either ‘believe everything I hear ‘or’ believe nothing I hear’ would go wrong because you would say “I lie all the time and I’m lying now “ and then their robotic brain would fuse. They would have no money though because they have spent it all or spent too much time sleeping to get a job or even claim benefits. In the end all you’ll walk away with is Raider Painspike armour and a switchblade. (But they walk very slowly because it puts them over the weight limit)
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it..
Or at least get something out of it but like not just physical contact because you could just say “Do this or I’ll hit you with a hammer” and it would have the same effect. (If you were holding a hammer)
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
“I must tell Medusa I’m sorry for not returning Flight of the Navigator to blockbuster video, look Medusa I just have to say…”
And then he was turned to stone, the moral of the story is for everyone to have their own Blockbuster account so that they are responsible for paying their own fees. Or be like the Minotaur and get everything on pirate, it may be worse quality but as a man with a bull’s head he has bigger things to worry about. (Also he finds it difficult to get out of his maze and so rarely visits the video shop. Bryan Corn, the man that installed his broadband is still wandering that maze and he has two other jobs to do before home time.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
And pretend it will help.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
Just be aware that it only happens to good looking people or people with good personalities but the personalities are made instantly accessible through the use of visual cues. Also everyone hates you.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
Even if the persons dream is to be a stand up comedian and they are doing a routine about a funny dream they once had. “So what’s the deal with dreams? Are they named after the band D- Ream?” Granted it’s not very funny but its hard work getting onto the stand-up circuit and you would never have the guts to do it. Never the less maybe it’s for their own good as they will never get to be on Mock the Week so maybe they should give up now and do a business skills course at the adult learning centre.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
And if you aren’t loved back build a sort of dungeon under your house in order to facilitate your complete living of life
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Withholding the antidote is perfectly acceptable.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
However if you don’t like their relatives you could think to yourself “It’s all relative” and have a good laugh about it.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
No one will listen to you and you will even lose track of what you are saying because you have already started thinking about something else. Frustrated at your inability to communicate your thoughts you will evolve into a being of PURE THOUGHT or go autistic.
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
They will immediately know they have hit a raw nerve and press you even further, eventually they will get angry and physically attack you. At this point you can kill them with a broken bottle (which you have hidden behind your back) and say it was in self defence. This will enable you to successfully avoid answering the question. (The question was “Have you ever killed anyone with a broken bottle?)
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Apart from if you just fall into it, also just because you do a great risk you won’t necsesarilly get a great achievement, you might just do a big failure or fall off a cliff. The exceptions are getting great x-box achievements where you only risk finger injuries and playing risk the board game where no one knows the rules so you just play with the little men for a bit and then throw the dice at Russia.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
It will really irritate them. Stop drawing attention to my coke habit!
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
The lesson is “Next time you should try and win” or “Throw the dice at Russia”
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
You could just say “Respect everything, have some responsibilities” and have a third more fun one left over for example “Rancor Beast”
EIGHTEEN.. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
If anyone disagrees with you just force them to agree or totally destroy the friendship by telling everyone they abuse children. (Do some illustrations and send them to the paper.)
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Burn the evidence and think of a good lie. “I didn’t break the law, I AM the law”.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
“Your wife is dead”
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
and pretend it’s a choice.
Now, here's the FUN part!
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
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