Edward Jamster came from a well-to-do family who made all their money during the 60’s by selling ivory from a boutique on Carnaby Street. Pop stars of the day i.e. Paul McCartney would often come in to get the ivory for use in special pianos. In fact Edward’s grandfather (Nelson Jamster) personally sold Brian Wilson the ivory for the Theremin used in good vibrations – at least that’s what he said it was for. The Jamster family lived the life of luxury and thought the good times would never end. However they did end because THATCHER banned the sale of ivory and also made it so that all pop stars had to live in Sheffield and use instruments made of bin lids. Of course the Jamster family went bankrupt because it’s all wheelie bins down south so the lids are attached and they don’t make much of a noise anyway. It certainly didn’t help that the by now elderly Nelson Jamster decided to spend the remainder of the family fortune on high power rifles.
In any case Edward may have been born with a silver spoon in the mouth but it soon melted into the bitter taste of poverty. That is how a man came from riches to being an unhappy bus driver. In many ways he was lucky because he had never learned to drive and only got the job because Roger Daltry bought the bus company as a pension plan during the 70’s and owed Granddad Jamster a favor. (Unfortunately he could not repay this favor directly because Nelson Jamster went missing trying to arrange an arms deal in Singapore.)
Edward disliked being a bus driver and was contemptuous of his passengers; he would often spit at them through the holes in the plastic driver shield or say “Why don’t you learn to drive?” He knew full well that the man he said that to suffered from a form of epilepsy which meant he had to take special medication that made it unlawful for him to drive. The man became very upset and at first Edward felt bad but then he convinced himself that the man deserved it because he could have had a knife and also if he wasn’t so reliant on his pills he could control his fitting through natural medicine. On other occasions Edward would not let people off the bus and when they asked to be let off he would open the door and say “You have to jump from my bus.” He knew this would be dangerous for them but he did not think that common people had any thoughts or feelings so he wasn’t that bothered.
Edward’s only pleasure was watching the film Speed and then fantasising about what would happen if Dennis Hopper attached some bombs to his bus. So far he had thought up 5 different plans for getting out of the situation alive and was working on a 6th but he couldn’t quite get the details correct. The methods were as follows…
1. Hold the needle on the speedometer at 35 with his finger so it couldn’t fall below and set the bomb off.
2. Get some men to bring scuba gear onto the bus and then crash the bus into the sea.
3. Press a button and then the bus launches into space – far out of the range of Dennis Hopper’s radio detonator.
4. Pretend to have a limp to trick someone into defusing the bombs with a special spray.
5. Kill Dennis Hopper before he gets near the bus.
His sixth plan involved driving into the mirror world so that the bomb became the opposite of a bomb (a bus putting together machine.) However he wasn’t brilliant at telling left from right as it was so it would get confusing. Also the problem with the mirror world is that entrances become exits so as soon as you drive a bus into it you just come out the other side. This is why many people do not even realize they have been into the mirror world or do not know that it exists. However it definitely does exist because there was a mirror with a door handle on in Dorothy Perkins and where else would it lead!? (There is no explanation why he was in Dorothy Perkins and if you tried to ask him he would become aggressive and say “What are you doing in MY FACE?”
Anyway Roger Daltry arranged for three ghosts to visit Edward during the night to try and make him be a better bus driver. He could have just sacked him but that’s not the way that Roger Daltry does things. From then on Edward Jamster knew how to drive the bus very well indeed if any man possessed the knowledge until one day when he remembered his old life and smashed the bus into a shopping centre.
The End
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