To: The Really Useful Group
Subject: Musical!
Dear the really useful people (and Mr Sir Webber if he is in)
I have written a musical based on the computer game resident evil 4 and I thought you would like the opportunity to perform it. I include a sample of the songs that would be in the show and look forward to hearing from you on this matter. I appreciate that you are very busy putting on shows such as cats but I think this could make a lot of money for both of us especially as people that like computer games don’t normally go to the theatre due to fear of other people, so in a way we would be not only tapping a new market but freeing people from the confines of their homes. Isn’t that something you would like to be a part of?
All the best
- R.Lafemme
P.S I thought David Bowie could play Leon and maybe the man that played Willow could be Salazar although I’m not sure if he can sing.
Biohazard! (The Resident Evil Musical)
Ganado your own way (Go your own way by Fleetwood Mac)
Ganados: Un forastero
Leon:
Killing you
was the best thing to do
how can I
uncover what you conceal?
If you could
you would conquer the world
how can I
just leave poor Ashley?
Gana-do your own way
Go your own way
Is it bingo you’re going off to play?
Gana-do your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why
everyone just turned around?
Just before
killing was all you would do.
If you could
you’d take on the world
In that church
Is it bingo for you?
Gana-do your own way
Go your own way
Is it bingo you’re going off to play?
Gana-do your own way
Go your own way
Leon: Where’s everybody going, bingo!?
Sorting the case. (Poker Face by Lady Gaga)
Ashley: Oh Look Leon there’s some handgun ammo over there. Wouldn’t it come in useful?
Leon: Well spotted Ashley. Ill just pick that up
Ashley: What’s wrong Leon?
Leon: I don’t have any room for it; I better sort out my weapons case.
Leon:
I see some ammo but there’s no room in my case,
its time to rearrange and make a little space.
Combining the herbs is a good way to begin,
once I’ve done that then Ill fit more weapons in.
Oh,oh,oh
Ill fill this slot with the grenades that Ive got.
Oh,oh,oh
Ill fill this slot with the grenades that Ive got.
Sorting out, sorting out
I’m Sorting out my weapons case
(He needs some room for handgun ammo)
Sorting out, sorting out
I’m Sorting out my weapons case
(He needs some room for handgun ammo)
W-W-W-weapons case, W-W-W -weapons case
W-W-W- weapons case, W-W-W-weapons case
I won’t throw out this machine gun,
herbs I want some,
rotating shotguns , loading magnums
Its not full yet, I’ll get in tonnes.
Sorting out, sorting out
I’m Sorting out my weapons case
(He needs some room for handgun ammo)
Sorting out, sorting out
I’m Sorting out my weapons case
(He needs some room for handgun ammo)
Leon: Finally it’s done.
Ashley: Look Leon there’s some.
Leon: Just leave it Ashley!
Dr Salvador (More More More by Andrea True Love Connection or Rachel Stevens)
Leon: Is that a chainsaw?
Dr Salvador appears!
Dr Salvador:
So if you want to know how I really feel,
get my chainsaw going,
get the noggins rollin,
Leon you know, the threat I pose is real.
My chainsaw is quite deadly,
and its chains are made of steal.
SAL-VA-DOR
How can you fight me, how can you fight me?
SAL-VA-DOR
How can you fight me, how can you fight me?
SAL-VA-DOR
How can you fight me, how can you fight me?
The Merchant (Who will buy? From Oliver! By Charles Dickens)
Leon: Phew finally got away from those Ganados.
Merchant: Hello Stranger
Leon: Who are you?
The Merchants:
Who will buy these wonderful shotguns?
Useful upgrades I’m sure you’ll agree.
You would think, in this situation Id be giving them away for free.
So buy some good things stranger,
Ill give you a good price.
Or sell me that nice treasure,
Ill make your aiming more precise.
Who will buy these tools of death dealing?
And a spray or else you might die.
You’ve got some cash you might as well use it.
Its what you need to do,
to see the story through.
There must be something you will buy.
Who will buy these wonderful shotguns?
Useful upgrades I’m sure you’ll agree.
You would think, in this situation Id be giving them away for free.
Just let me know what you are buying,
Got some good things on sale.
Just take a good look at the Red9,
or improve on that Blacktail.
The Merchant: Come back any time.
Ready Garrador (Ready for the floor by Hot Chip)
Ashley: At least there’s nothing around here, except for that guy on the wall but he’s not moving.
Leon: Yeah I better just throw this switch though.
Garrador: RAGHHHHHH
Ashley: It woke up who could’ve guessed?
Leon and Ashley:
Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it now
Slay it, Slay it, Slay Slay Slay it, slay it, Slay it now
Just watch out for his big claw
and remember not to talk
I am ready; I am ready for a brawl.
Don’t get hit by that big claw
he will find you if you talk
we are ready, we are ready Garrador.
He can’t hear your voice, you don’t have a choice
I hope there’s a chance that he won’t advance.
He can’t hear your voice, you don’t have a choice
(He’s causing me woe, I’m shooting with force)
I hope there’s a chance that he won’t advance.
I just hope we don’t die.
Sar Sar Salazar (Ra Ra Rasputin by Boney M)
Salazar: I think it’s time I played my due respects towards your impressive and stubborn will. Mr.Kennedy. welcome!
Leon: Monsters. I guess after this there’ll be one less to worry about.
Los Illuminados cult members:
He is a tiny man, but such a fearsome foe,
he sent out his left hand, that we call Verdugo.
Leon’s tactics could be seen as quite severe,
because to los ganados he was a pioneer.
He turned into a huge plant like creature,
coming under heavy fire,
sadly he had a weakness feature,
his situation was made dire.
Sar -Sar -Salazar,
That Castellan was quite bizarre.
He found Las Plagas under his land
Sar Sar- Salazar
His castle door is left ajar.
He got a knife thrown into his hand.
(Chief Illuminados member:)
But when his kidnapping and injecting of plagas,
became known to more and more people.
The calls to stop him got louder and louder
Los Illuminados cult members:
I am going to destroy you says Ramon to Kennedy
But Leon says Just where is my Ash-a-ley?
Despite being the boss of parasites,
Miss Graham never fell for his delights.
Then while fighting evil cultists,
Leon fell into his trap.
Ramon never knew his giant statue,
Would help him get across that gap.
Sar -Sar -Salazar,
That Castellan was quite bizarre.
He had a weak spot right on his head.
Sar Sar- Salazar
His castle door is left ajar.
So Leon shot it till he was dead.
The ballad of Krauser (Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles)
Krauser: Hello comrade
Leon: Krauser I thought you died in a helicopter crash?
Krauser: Is that what they told you?
Leon:
Hit the road Jack
and don’t you come back
Krauser, Krauser, Krauser Krauser
Hit the road Jack
and don’t you come back
Krau-ser
Oh comrade, oh comrade don’t treat me so mean,
it’s quite a long time since you were last seen,
You’re someone I used to know,
so it’s a shame you’re now my foe.
That’s Right, Hit the road Jack
and don’t you come back
Krauser, Krauser, Krauser Krauser
Hit the road Jack
and don’t you come back
Krau-ser
Krauser:
Well Leon oh Leon, I’ve got my arm unfurled
I’m charting a course for a new world.
Leon: (A psycho like you can’t bring order or balance)
Leon: (So I’m coming at you in a knifing stance)
I’ve set up this place to blow,
Collect insignia if you wanna go.
Leon:
That’s right.
Hit the road Jack
and don’t you come back
Krauser, Krauser, Krauser Krauser
Hit the road Jack
and don’t you come back
Krau-ser
Don’t you come back Krau-ser
Krauser: It’s not like you can escape your inevitable death is it?
Dont you come back Krau-ser
Krauser: I see you hold your skills
Dont you come back Krau-ser
Talking about regenerators (Talking about my generation by the Who)
Regnerator: Hrrr Hrr
Leon: Ill just shoot this monster down…it regenerated!
Ashley: What is that thing?
Leon:
People try to shoot them down, (talkin bout regenerators)
but their plagas move around. (talkin bout regenerators)
You need an infrared scope to behold, (talkin bout regenerators)
the difference between the hot and cold. (talkin bout regenerators)
These are regenerators
These are regenerators, Ashley
These are regenerators
Wish their arms werent so s-stretchy, (talkin bout regenerators)
their weird breathing makes me t-tetchy (talkin bout regenerators)
They have big teeth like alligators, (talkin bout regenerators)
just talking bout regenerators. (talkin bout regenerators)
These are regenerators
These are regenerators, Ashley
These are regenerators
Osmund Saddler (Cars by Gary Numan)
Leon: What's so funny?
Saddler: Oh, I think you know. The American prevailing is a cliché that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Oh, Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me. To show my appreciation, I will help you awaken from your world of cliché.
The Ganados:
Osmund Sadd-ler
Hes the greatest of all.
He made us all Ganado,
it’s the only way to live.
Sadd-ler
Osmund Sadd-ler
He likes wearing a hood.
He’s the boss of our cult
and he’s got a long tail.
Sadd-ler
Osmund Saddler
Now he’s gotten quite big.
He’s got eyes everywhere,
and I hope they’re not shot.
Sadd-ler
Osmund Saddler
Leon took him down.
Using rocket launcher,
now the plan has gone wrong.
Sadd-ler
Subject: Musical!
From: The Really Useful Group
Hello,
Thank you for your email, which has come through to me for reply.
I am afraid that The Really Useful Group’s production plans are secured for the next three years and we are not therefore considering new projects at the present time. Andrew Lloyd Webber is currently working on the sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, entitled Love Never Dies.
You may find some information that could be useful to you here:
http://www.reallyuseful.com/about-us/help/ff171/f174
I am sorry to send a disappointing response. Thank you again for taking the time to contact us and we wish you all the best with your project.
Best Regards
Really Useful Group Online Team
To: The Really Useful Group
Subject: Musical!
Dear the useful group (and Mr Sir Lloyd Webber if he is having a rest from musical writing at this time.)
I was sad to see that you are busy for the next three years and so cannot consider my project, however I am willing to wait so maybe you could consider it for 2013 (which is in 4 years time) . I thought that we could even have television auditions for some of the parts as with other Lloyd Webber musicals, the show could be called "Leon me!" (lean on me) or "Go For it-stero".
I do understand that you probably have many other musical offers, maybe a Crystal Maze musical featuring songs about how the ocean zone took over from the industrial zone.
All the best
- R.Lafemme
P.S Maybe the sequel to Phantom of the Opera should be called "Phan2m of the Opera - Reloaded
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