Subject: Knicker Pie
Dear the Hairy Bakers
I hear you're on the lookout for old timey recipes from the past, if this is true then let it be known there is no older than the one passed on to me by my dear departed aunt La.Femme. I say departed, she isn’t actually dead just departed of her senses. In some ways its better for her as rather than being dead she lives in a kind of fantasy world where she doesn’t remember who her children are. Just as well because they just keep saying they wish she would hurry up and die so they could get the inheritance. The jokes on them however as he advancing years have caused her to leave all her money to scope society, a fact known only to me and the family solicitor.
Anyway she has given me a fantastic recipe that I have used on at least two occasions, you can tell its old because it has a racist name. Or at last it did have a racist name. I’ve changed it to be called Knicker Pie so it can be allowed on television, needles to say it involves a lot of puy lentils. It also involves a lot of un-pc ingredients such as Veal and Foie Gras and on one memorable occasion my aunt even involved a placenta in the proceedings - memorable mostly due to the feelings of revulsion but I try to look at everything with rose tainted spectaculars.
I do hope you will allow me to resurrect this forgotten classic on the telly box especially as all my pals describe me as having a "warm personality which would make even the haughtiest ice-man melt into tears. (For fears)"
All the best
- R.LaFemme
Subject: Knicker Pie
From: The Hairy Bikers
Dear R. La Femme,
Thank you for your interest in the 'Mums Know Best'. If you could please complete the attached application and return it to us as soon as possible, we would be very grateful.
Kind regards
Stobart
To: The Hairy Bikers
Subject: Knicker Pie
I attach my completed application as requested. Here hoping eh Stobart!
All the best
- R. LaFemme
Mums Know Best Contributor - Application Form
Name: Rou La femme
Address:
25 Nathaniel Street
The Hyde
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU1 7AB
Daytime telephone: 01525 854 222
Evening telephone: Precisely the same.
Email: r.lafemme@hotmail.com
Please can you give us examples of recipes you would like to pass on?
Knicker Pie: A kind of sweet pie made from black treacle, liquorice and other things which make it all the better for the inclusion. The specific recipe is not too difficult to follow but it does involve the use of a hairdryer or “blowery handle” as they were called in my aunt’s day. To be honest the taste isn’t quite what you might expect but it has quite a high chance of convincing your mind that you have been transported to the savannah. Sometimes though it may also make you feel that you are being attacked by black lions with spears for claws.
What are the stories behind these recipes, where did they come from, why do you want to pass them on? Why are they so special to you?
Well I got the recipe from my dear old aunt La.Femme. (I never knew her first name as it was rude to ask directly and anyone else who may have known has either died or become somehow mentally incompetent.) She always said she would never pass it on until the day she died. Perhaps the only positive aspect of her current ‘condition’ is that not only was I able to get hold of the recipe without her noticing they were gone, but even if she had seen me take them she would have never been able to give a coherent description. Also it’s nice that I am able to make the pie without thinking of a dead aunt because that would probably make it taste even more sour AND if I did see something that wasn’t entirely of this world then I could do without it being linked to a spectral relative.
As for my aunt she got the recipe from her mother while living in South Africa, as I say the recipe did have a different name but it’s not the kind of name you can say these days. Needles to say the people of the time thought it was hilarious. My aunt always used to say the locals took everything in good fun but then her father was quite a high ranking police officer so they probably took everything in one way or another. Never mind that though because I HAVE changed the name and you can’t really blame people for politics. (Except perhaps Politicians)
How many generations of your family would be willing to take part if you are selected? Please let us know names and ages wherever possible:
Well I would certainly like to take part I am about 25, well exactly 25 but I feel much younger due to my shoe size having never gone up.
I’m sure my aunt would be willing to take part as well although she might not actually be aware of what she was taking part in. I’m sure she wouldn’t do anything wrong because she has never been that sort of woman but she does get a bit distressed at people with beards which I understand is some sort of reaction to a Santa Claus misunderstanding. As for her age I’m not exactly sure but she was 46 when apartheid came to an end.
My younger brother Dextrose may wish to take part as well, he certainly likes that pie although he has never had a good thing to say about my aunt and I suspect he sometimes ‘borrows’ money from her safe in the knowledge she will not remember to ask for it back.
Briefly explain why you think you would be suitable for this series:
I think I’m extremely telegenic and also have many interesting food facts that I can relate at will. For example did you know that a peanut is actually a kind of stalagmite that forms naturally on plants over many years? Or did you know that in Cumbria the national dish is thatch roofs?
How did you hear about this programme?
I looked at a website so I didn’t actually hear anything.
Please use this space to tell us anything else about your family you think we would like to know:
There has never been any kind of incestuous relationship in our family.
Thank you for taking the time to complete this application form.
Here is the photo of myself Rou as required, at present I have no photos of my Aunt as she believes the camera may turn her small like the cowboy on Willy Wonkers. As she always used to say “There aint no grant for a pocket sized Aunt!”
Subject: Knicker Pie
From: The Hairy Bikers
Dear Rou La Femme,
Thank you so much for offering your celebration for inclusion in 'The Hairy Bikers - Mums Know Best'. Unfortunately on this occasion we will not be able to feature it in our programme.
We wish you the very best of luck with your celebration and once again thank you very much for your interest in the show.
Best wishes
Stobart
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