Subject: The Bill
Dear Sir/Madam
I am a frequent viewer of the bill and find it to be mostly excellent entertainment, in fact you could say I find it quite "arresting"! However I do have one complaint, despite all the crimes that occur in Sun Hill they are almost never solved by Batman. In fact the police never even try to turn on the bat signal or ring him on the bat phone. I’m not sure they even HAVE a bat signal! I’m pretty sure that the world's greatest detective would prove a great asset in defeating the drug gangs and ASBO youths encountered by the likes of Sergeant Smithy and his friends.
All the best
- R. LaFemme
Subject: RE: The Bill
From: ITV Viewer Services
Thank you for your email and comments which have been logged on our Daily Log and will be seen by senior management and production staff within ITV.
We are very sorry to hear that you are unhappy with The Bill but many thanks for taking the time to email ITV with your feedback. I have also forwarded your email to Talkback Thames who produce The Bill for ITV.
Regards
ITV Viewer Services – J.H
To: ITV Viewer Services
Subject: The Bill
Hello J.H (John Humphries?)
Further to my email of 26/03/09 I would like to make it clear that I am not 'unhappy' with the Bill at the present time, rather I feel I could be "more happy" with it. I do concede however that it was unfair of me to criticise without offering my assistance I have therefore written a short script for the bill featuring Batman. I hope that this saves you're busy script writers a precious couple of minutes. (Also I realise that it may be unrealistic to think you could definitely acquire the rights to Batman and therefore I will refer to him as Homme de Batte until such a time as the correct forms are filled in.)
All the best
- R. Lafemme
The Bill – The case of the naughty youths, featuring Homme De Batte.
Scene 1 [The luxury mansion of Lance Johnson billionaire extreme]
Lance Johnson: Finally after years of intense training I can begin my one man war on crimes. After all MY PARENTS ARE DEAAAAD!
-Flashback a dark alley on the mean east side of sun hill (moon hill?)-
Dirty Robber: Give me your money cash or I iz gonna nosh you in.
Thomas Johnson: No way you filthy highwayman, begone lest I give you a good seeing to!
Martha Johnson: Watch out Thomas he has a k-nife!
Thomas Johnson: Argh I am stabbed! Stabbed by a k-nife!
Martha Johnson: Me too and it HURTS.
Dirty Robber: Now to make good my escape. I do love MURDER hahahahahha
(he runs away)
Thomas Johnson: Avenge us son!
Lance Johnson (young version): Noooooooooooooooo! By which I mean oh noooooo you are dead as I will definitely avenge you.
Cut back to adult Lance Johnson looking out of a window and looking ANGRY.
Gerard the Butler: Would you like a cup of tea sir?
Lance Johnson: No I’d like a cup of.... REVENGE!
Scene 2 [Sun Hill local park]
ASBO youth 1: This graffiti is well x-box!
ASBO youth 2: Yeah it’s nearly as megadrive as when we tankled that old biddy!
(They done a high five)
ASBO youth 1: Oh noes here comes the ol' peelers himself!
ASBO youth 2: That rozzer the dozzer don’t frighten me I’m gonna Ipod him good an proper!
Inspector Tokenheim: Oi you kids cease that illegal activity immediately!
ASBO youth 1: Or what pegleg!?
Inspector Tokenheim: Or Ill arrest you for misdemeanours at large! By the book that is.
ASBO youth 2: I don’t think so twonkelhirst!
ASBO youth 1: Boase Speakers!
(He starts hitting Inspector Tokenheim with an iron bar, suddenly a dark figure appears as if from nowhere but actually from behind the slide)
Homme de Batte: Im HOMMMMMEEE DDEEEE BBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEE
Asbo youth 1: Who the Konika camera are you!?
Homme de Batte: YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE! Except corporeal and able to hurt you …WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.
(He kicks the iron bar out of their hands, trips up ASBO youth 2 then ties them both to the swings with a batte rope)
Inspector Tokenheim: Thanks so much but...
(He turns round to find that Homme de Batte has already gone)
Inspector Tokenheim: Something I said!?
End of 1, to be continues!
Subject: RE: The Bill
From: ITV Viewer Services
Thank you for your email. Your comments have been noted.
Regards
VIEWER SERVICES – A.E
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