To: Tonight’s the Night
Subject: Morris Baldwin
Dear Captain Jack
May I first say that I am a huge fan of your work both in the series of Doctor Who that Christopher Eccleston (I'm not allowed to watch the David tenant ones as he had a dalliance with someone's sister and that person was heartbroken) was in and thought you were quite good in pirates of the Caribbean films as well! (Joke the first two were ok but the third one was a bit rubbish and didn't meet up to the standards of rape and pillage.)
Anyway I am writing because I understand you can use the powers of your show "Tonight is the Night" to make "Tonight" the "Night" for people who want some good experience, so I'm hoping that "Tonight" will be my "Night" and you will help me make another "Night" the "Night" for my good friend Morris Baldwin. I think he needs a bit of cheering up as he has not been the same ever since someone told him that Nosferatu’s root through peoples bins and try to steal their identities. Therefore I was hoping that you could help me give Morris Baldwin the experience of a lifetime that I know he has always wanted to get his mind off those Nosferatus that could right now be using his credit cards to buy new expensive capes.
Morris Baldwin has always been a fan of the hilarious Will Smythe sitcom Fresh prince of Bel Air and in particular idolised Uncle Phil who in the words of Morris Baldwin "Runs the house of Air with an iron hand but inside the hand there is love, except for Hillary who he wants to move out because she is not his real daughter." He loved the show so much that he even moved onto Carlton Road which is a real road (http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&q=carlton+road+barnsley&um=1&ie=UTF-8&split=0&ei=mqT4ScejFIi5jAeq2PXZDA&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=title&resnum=1) and forced all his Nephews to get into fights and then live with him. He even went so far as to make a special spinning chair to replicate the title sequence of the show; sadly this chair has caused the bends and so is never used.
I was wondering if you could arrange for Morris Baldwin to have an Uncle Phil experience night where he could truly live his dream. I'm sure you have some good ideas of your own for how this could be achieved but I think the best way would be to do the following.
• Make a video of him saying "I'll take a BITE out of crime" while eating a cake.
• Change his wife for a younger one and never mention it.
• Tell everyone to call him "big guy" until he gives them money.
• Let him shout "WILL!" live on television.
• Force feed him food until he gets really fat and then hire a to butler comment on it.
I hope very much you can do this for me as he really is my very best friend and I will always support him, but never kiss him as he doesn't like it.
Yours Gratefully
- R. Lafemme
Subject: Dream Performance
From: Tonight’s the night
Please fill in the application form below.
Once you've completed the form, please copy and save it and then email it back to us
All applications will be read.
Due to the volume of applicants we cannot get back to everyone individually.
A member of the team will be in contact with those who are shortlisted for consideration to appear on the show.
Good luck from all the Tonight's the Night Team!
DREAM PERFORMANCE APPLICATION FORM
SECTION A
NAME: Rou LaFemme
ADDRESS:
25 Nethaniel Street
The Hyde
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU1 7AB
CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBERS:
Home: 01525 854 222
Work: Currently unemployed due to mysteries of life.
Mobile: No longer own a mobile as someone rang me on it once pretending to be a devil and I had to throw it into some holy water.
EMAIL: r.lafemme@hotmail.com
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Former megaton punch adjudicator now unemployed.
ARE YOU THE PERSON THAT IS POTENTIALLY PERFORMING ON THE SHOW?
No all my dreams have long been fulfilled through my own hard work and the power of Lucozade.
SECTION B - IF YOU ARE NOMINATING ANOTHER PERSON
If you are nominating another person, please fill in the following section.
Do you want their performance to be staged as a surprise for them? Tick where applicable
Yes
DETAILS OF THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING:
NAME: Morris Baldwin
AGE: 24
ADDRESS:
12 The Mantis
West Hyde
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU1 8CG
OCCUPATION: Trundle wheel operations manager.
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING?
Bestest buddy and lifelong pal.
BRIEFLY DESCRIBE THE DREAM PERFORMANCE YOU WISH TO MAKE COME TRUE FOR THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING:
I would very much like Morris Baldwin to be able to perform as Uncle Phillip Banks from "Fresh Prince". I know that in the show he never did a song or dance but me and Morris made up a song we thought he would sing when we tried to write a musical about Will Smith, a project that was abandoned as we couldn't think of anything that rhymes with I. Robot except "Lie so hot!" which doesn't really mean anything (except maybe to a politician!). The song goes
My name is Phillip Banks
and I'm talking to you
about the importance
of the Phillip Banks crew
the members are tough
and too numerous to mention
But they are all assured
of some banking attention.
(Chorus)
P-P-P-P Phillip Banks
P-P-P Phillip Banks
P-P-P-P Phillip Banks
P-P-P Phillip Banks
Phillip Banks is coming atcha with force
amazing skills like Lewis and Morse
my butler is amusingly sarcastic
but one day I'll replace his bones with elastic
BANDS.
BRIEFLY STATE THE REASON WHY YOU ARE NOMINATING THIS PERSON TO FEATURE ON THE SHOW (100 words or less)
I feel it's about time that my friend Morris Baldwin receives some credit for his tireless work as a semi professional lollipop person. The council keep confiscating his signs but he keeps making new ones, "Blitzkrieg" may not be the official slogan of the lollipop but by god those cars used to come to a halt. Also it would bring much needed attention to the plight of Uncle Phil who gets nothing for all his hard work while cousin Will gets to fight robots and vampires in the future despite being a constant slacker. Where is the justice!?
TO YOUR KNOWLEDGE, HAS THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING RECEIVED ANY PREVIOUS PROFESSIONAL TRAINING?
(NB: Both amateur and professional performers will be considered to take part in the show)
To my knowledge he has not but he has hidden many things in the past he's a dark whore if ever there was one.
IS THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING A UK RESIDENT? (tick where applicable)
Yes but he plans to move to Lagos as soon as the market picks up. (Black Market)
(Applicants must be a resident of the UK)
ARE YOU A UK RESIDENT? (tick where applicable)
Yes and I have no plans to move to Lagos, it may be warmer there but the PC world is severely understaffed.
SECTION D
PLEASE STATE ANY MEDICAL CONDITIONS WE SHOULD BE AWARE OF IF THE NOMINATED PERSON WERE CHOSEN TO TAKE PART IN THE PROGRAM
Morris Baldwin suffers from nausea whenever he observes a bright light or hears a noise at a certain level of decibel. He will not reveal the specific level in case his enemies plan to use it against him but I am assured that it is an unusual amount that would not enter into use on a Saturday teatime show. His bright light affliction is of course easily remedied by letting him wear sunglasses or having him perform in the dark while being filmed with a night vision lens.
No comments:
Post a Comment