Subject: Wozza
Dear Doctor Who
While I occasionally enjoy your program (Mostly when the invisible man from Heroes was on it) I sometimes fear that you aren’t doing enough to reach out to young people who also need some enjoyment on their Saturday night. It worries me because I heard somewhere that children were the future and because Doctor Who sometimes goes to the future in his time box you would think he would have it “sorted job done” however this is far from the case.
For instance young people today would not even recognise the word ‘who’ at all so really you should have changed the name to Doctor Wozza. In fact most people have never even seen a Doctor in their life. Everyone is using acusteampuncturists and psycho-homeopaths these days because they don’t harm the environment and rely on the wisdom of many ages rather than mere clinical studies at which there were no conjurers present. I understand that you tried to give the Doctor futuristic gadgets like a Sonic Screwdriver but even this gives away the age of the writers, it should be a Crash Bandicoot Allen Key.
I realise it is sometimes hard to keep up with all the latest ‘trends’ especially for old people such as yourselves who would rather be shopping for sleeping bags than grooving it up at the local box social. I have therefore decided to write you a new episode of Doctor Wozza to give you an idea of what I expect in the future. If my advice isn’t taken I will just have to assume that you are making everything old fashioned on purpose and that you actually hate children.
You don’t hate children do you?
Doctor Wozza – Doctor Wozza and the troublesome place.
The Timebox materialises on a mysterious world, out steps Doctor Wozza and his young companion Melrose.
Melrose: Where the Pogs are we Doctor?
Doctor Wozza: I don’t know Melrose but it looks like a TROUBLESOME PLACE.
They are assaulted by a laser beams. Doctor Wozza drags Melrose out of its killer path.
Melrose: What the GoGo Crazybones was that!?
Doctor Wozza: I don’t be knowing, I better use my Crash Bandicoot Allen Key.
The Allen Key goes “wooz wooz” and glows with the light of science, a light that pierces the darkness of ignorance.
Doctor Wozza: Oh no!
Melrose: What is it Doctor?
Doctor Wozza: Look at these Keating readings, over 100 Ronans per second! This means we’re all in trouble.
Melrose: But from what!?
Doctor Wozza: The Clarencebots – my most deadly enemy!
Melrose: What’s in the name of monster in my pocket is a Clarencebot Doctor?
Doctor Wozza: My most deadliest enemies, they are evil immigrants from a dangerous land who were made by a crazy scientition. Their main aspiration is to mash up all life forms.
Melrose: So what the Panini France World Cup 1998 sticker album do we do now!?
Doctor Wozza: We RUN!
And they do for five whole minutes but due to the world being circular they eventually run into the open arms of the Clarencebots.
Clarencebot: There is no escape from the Clarencebots, prepare to be gone mash up. Rudebox, Rudebox, Rudebox.
The Clarencebot charges up its Clarence-ray.
Melrose: Oh no! WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Suddenly a door opens in the side of a hill and the mysterious Lithrander appears.
Lithrander: Quick in here if you want to live.
Doctor Wozza: Yes we do!
They go in and the door closes behind them deflecting the Clarence-ray.
Clarencebot: Quick bring the gradual door opening tools!
Other Clarencebot: Yes, in the name of Clarence.
Inside the secret bunker of Lithrander
Litharander: Don’t you know you could get yourselves killed wandering about out there?
Doctor Wozza: Sorry we’re from out of town. WINK I’m the Doctor and this is my assistant Melrose. Just remind me what the Clarence-bots are doing here again?
Lithrander: Nobody knows, they just invaded one day out the blue. Or out of the ‘Blau’ if you will. I think they are digging up all the plot related item on the planet. At least that’s what I overheard one of the Clarencebots saying.
Doctor Wozza: of course they must be using the plot related item to power up some sort of space weapon which we have to stop or it could be bad consequences.
Melrose: Bad consequences for who Doctor?
Doctor Wozza: for all concerned!
Suddenly there is an explosion
Clarencebot: Rudebox!
The Clarencebot raises its Clarence-claw to attack.
Lithrander: Doctor NOOOOOOOO
Lithrander jumps in the way of the Clarence-claw and is mashed up by its deadly pincers.
Doctor Wozza: Lithrannddddeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Lithrander: Go Doctor quick, help us all….
Doctor Wozza: Damm you evil Clarence-bots
They run away while Lithrander distracts the Clarencebot by getting his body caught in its Clarence-claw.
Some time later in a safe place.
Melrose: So what do we do now Doctor?
Doctor Wozza: We have to stop the Clarencebots getting all the plot related item.
Melrose: If only Zool the Ninja from the Nth dimension were here.
Doctor Wozza: Oh that’s it of course OF COURSE! Yes!
Melrose: What Doctor?
Doctor Wozza: If we reroute the energy of the plot related item from the space weapon to your trademark Chupa Chup metal Pog slammer we can slam the Clarencebots out of the planet.
They do it. It works. It takes 15 minutes.
Clarencebot: Ruuuuudeeeboooooooooxxxxxxxx!
Doctor Wozza: Come here. You need a Wozza!
Melrose and the Doctor kiss with tongues. The end.
Subject: Wozza
From: The BBC
Dear Mr LaFemme
Thanks for your e-mail regarding 'Doctor Who'.
I'm delight to read you're such a passionate fan of the show yet I note you feel there's room for improvement.
I attached the following link to our 'Doctor Who' homepage and can contact the programme makers directly with you suggestions:
www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/s4/faq/form.shtml
I've registered your comments regarding 'Doctor Who' on our audience log. This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.
Thanks again for taking the time to contact us.
Regards
Gerald McBoingBoing
BBC Complaints
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