Subject: Wallace
Dear Nick Park
First of all let me congratulate you on having made so many films using plastecene and also for having the time to play Darth Maul in Star Wars. I know that you didn’t have many lines but you more than made up for it with the way you swung that special lighsaber around! Maybe next time you could get George Lucas to make his monsters out of plastecene instead of computers, it would be more money for you and would be better for the environment due to using less electricity.
Anyway I’m writing because after watching your recent film “Wallace and Gromit: On matters of loaf” I realised that I hate Wallace more than anything else in the world. He is a total boobarity for inviting a mad bomber baker woman into the house which he shares with Gromit. This hasn’t been the first time his libido has got them in trouble either as when he tried to go out with "Windowlene" he caused Gromit to be attacked by an evil robot dog and when he tried to get off with Helen Bohnam Carter it turned out he was actually a Were Rabbit! Worst of all he let the evil penguin have Gromits room and made Gromit stay in a kennel and then the penguin was playing loud music at all hours so Gromit couldn’t get to sleep AND THEN Wallace said "Here’s to penguin guest" which made Gromit cry. This also made me cry and I did not like it as there was nothing I could do to help poor Gromit, I tried to shout encouragement like "never mind Gromit" but it did not help. I did a poll amongst my friends/relatives and over 50% of them said that they also hated Wallace and given the chance they would put him into a play doh fun factory. Not only that but he has a really annoying old man’s voice, don’t you know that everyone likes young people!?
With that in mind I have decided to help you by creating a new character to replace Wallace with as I realise you work very hard and probably do not have time to do it yourself. I’m sure that’s the only reason he is still allowed to look after Gromit as otherwise you would be giving tacit approval to his incompetence and by extension to dog abusers everywhere. Therefore may I introduce RHOMBOID
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| Rhomboid Reclines |
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| Rhomboid Gesticulates |
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| Rhomboid gets excited |
Rhomboid is a super intelligent creature from the future who has the power to scar people's DNA with the mark of his dignity. He could probably get rid of Wallace simply by throwing him out of a window but in case of other threats to Gromit’s safety he can use a pyrokenesis attack that burns enemies to a crisp. Also his amphibious nature means that he would not try to cop off with every bit of plastecene skirt that passed by his window meaning Gromit would be his top priority.
Instead of cheese he enjoys Pringles and sunny D which appeal better to the young person’s market and instead of saying "cracking cheese" he says "Worrel Thompson" which is more in tune with how young people speak these days. In case of emergencies he also has an astro trident which he can summon from the sea, I have not made it out of plastecene as I feel a dinner fork would do just as well.
I look forward to hearing more from you on my idea but I am willing to give it away for free and gratis as long as it gets rid of Wallace. However I will be angry if you try to make him be friends with Wallace as this would never happen; Rhomboid hates Wallace and everything he stands for.
All the best
- R.Lafemme
P.S Are the Tweedys from Chicken Run based on different aspects of Cheryl Tweedys personality?
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