Today's Work: The man who was obsessed with Wario.

So anyway there used to be this man who was very average. His main job was to shuffle paper around so people thought he was useful but sometimes he also had to copy things by hand because the company he worked for felt photocopiers were the work of the devil. (The boss did not understand how they worked.) This made his hand become cramped and rigid but the man did not complain because whenever he tried to speak the people spurned him. This was because he had a very boring timbre to his voice but also because he was quite short and people often had trouble seeing him. Some people saw right through him but this was a metaphorical condition rather than a physical one. Although he was quite thin because eating carbs made him racist. If you asked the man what his most important things in life were he would have said “Financial security, Cup of Tea and Winter coat” however no one ever asked him because everyone thought he was dull because he once spent 3 hours talking to Thomas Knuckles about the best place to get cheap shopping, in the end Thomas Knuckles gave him the old Knuckle 1-2 which is alright for Thomas Knuckles because what else do you expect? But no one else would get away with that! For this reason people referred to the man as Figaro: The man of empty. The real name of the man was Rantasimo but that sounded like a magical name like the borrowers so it was seldom used except in official capacities such as using banking facilities and even then it raised eyebrows.

However one day Rantasimo became obsessed with Wario after seeing a picture of him in a local shop. He immediately went out and bought the following x1 N64 x1 Mario Kart 64 which came to a grand total of £150 in those days. People noticed that he had got more interesting because instead of talking about traffic calming measures he just said “Ehhhehehe” or “Good Choice” also he started wearing a yellow hat. He tried to grow a wonky moustache but it was impossible for this he could thank his ancestry. Eventually the man made a casual acquaintance who also liked playing Mario kart. It wasn’t his favourite game (his favourite game was spacestation silicone valley) but they still had fun. Of course once they stopped playing the fun stopped and the acquaintance had to leave immediately. They often used to joke about how Rantasimo always picked Wario and to make sure no one else picked Wario he would shot WARIO DIBS before a race. This took quite a lot to say so then the man just started saying “WADIB” and then “WA”. While efficient this had unforeseen results when the acquaintance brought another man round named Garry Cooper for playing 3 players. Contrary to his name Garry Cooper picked Wario as he thought the WA was some sudden exclamation having not being present during the evolution of the phrase. Rantasimo was so enraged that he killed Garry Cooper and then the two of them had to bury him in the garden. The acquaintance was forced into helping because of fear and shock.

After this the relationship went downhill and the acquaintance wished to not see Rantasimo anymore, as a parting gift he left him Mario Party 3 on the doorstep. How delighted was Rantasimo to find Wario could do more than race humorously undersized cars. He became as sensation on the local club scene with his new catchphrase “Wario is the party star” and even appeared on the local news when he got the world record for biggest fan of Wario in Pontefract; at least that’s what the man who took the pictures told him. Now if you asked him the man would say his top three things were “Wario, “Oh Boy” and “Ehhehe”. It seemed like the good times would never end.

However people lost interest in Rantasimo and soon they all realised he only had about 4 different lines of dialogue, most of which involved “eheheh” the parties stopped and Rantasimo was left alone, even worse a group of children dressed as Mario stamped on his head and left him concussed. He spent several weeks in hospital reflecting on his life and although he recovered physically the doctors remarked that it had been a traumatic event and that he should probably have counselling. Rantasimo agreed and the first session was arranged for Monday afternoon.

Doctor Felt noted with annoyance that his patient never turned up and sent some orderlies round to fetch Rantasimo. However all they found was poor Rantasimo strung up to the rafters and beginning to smell. A note was found which said simply “Oh boy!” and the matter was dropped, mostly because the Chief of Police was Rantasimo’s father and no one wanted the matter to cause embarrassment to the family. However many people suspect Garry Cooper’s brother who had been snooping around with a shovel and also happened to be a trained hangman.  Just how did Rantasimo manage to tie such professional knots?

The End.