To: BBC Know it alls
Subject: Know all that
Dear the Know it all.
I think that me and my friends would make pretty strong contestants on your knowing show and would like to put forward a team composed of myself and my pals Terrence Incognito, Morris Baldwin and Goloch Thandier. We have all witnessed a pub quiz during our lifetimes and Goloch Thandier was told by a shaman that one day he would be recognised as a great thinker of the age. I know that people tend not to put their faith in religion these days but if you had seen his shaman hat you would have believed it!
All the best.
-R. Lafemme
Subject: Know all that
From: BBC Know it alls
Dear Madam
Thank you for requesting an application form for BBC’s ‘Knowitalls’, please find one enclosed.
We are planning an audition tour very soon so it is imperative that you send your form back as soon as possible so that you don’t miss your chance to be on this new and exciting quiz show.
Knowitalls is the first quiz show where your breadth of knowledge is tested to the limit because for the first time, teams are battling it out to impress real experts on their specialist subjects. Each team will be made up of three people who know each other and they will work together to cover a vast range of topics before they present to the judges.
The application form requires four people in a team, three of which will play and one on standby. For your chance to audition and appear on the show, please fill out the form and send it back to us as soon as possible to the above address or email it to knowitalls@bbc.co.uk.
We will be filming the series between 15th and 20th June, successful applicants must be available during this time.
Auditions are taking place NOW so please return your form quickly to ensure you don’t miss out.
If you have any further questions, please call Toni Basil on (Number omitted due to legal)
Good Luck!
Knowitalls Team
To: BBC Know it alls
Subject: Know all that
Hello here be by application form, I hope it is satisfactory and I will soon be seeing you on the tellybox.
All the best
- R.Lafemme
KNOWITALLS APPLICATION FORM
How do you know each other? (Friends, Family, Colleagues etc)
We attend the same branch of the Illuminati.
PERSONAL DETAILS: (Each team member to complete)
TEAM MEMBER 1:
Full Name: Rou LaFemme
Age: 25
Home Telephone: 01556 854222
Mobile / Work: I don’t own a mobile and my work would be unsuitable to phone due to the woo noises.
Email: R.LaFemme@hotmail.com
Address:
25 Nathaniel Street
The Hyde
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU1 7AB
Occupation - Please give details
Child frightener on a ghost train.
TEAM MEMBER 2:
Full Name: Morris Baldwin
Age: 37
Home Telephone: 01556 636357
Mobile / Work: Morris Baldwin has something against mobile phones as he badly misinterpreted an advert and now believes they will make him speak in tongues.
Email: MrBaldwin15@Yahoo.co.uk
Address:
36 Nathaniel Street
The Hyde
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU1 7AB
Occupation - Please give details:
Currently unemployed due to decline of none pornographic whipping films.
TEAM MEMBER 3:
Full Name: Terrence Incognito
Age: 20
Home Telephone: 1556 789 675
Mobile / Work: 0789 765 456 89
Email: Iamscary@hotmail.co.uk
Address:
17B Lonsdale Avenue
Olitansphere
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU7 6GH
Occupation - Please give details:
Student (Postmodern social Phantasmagoria)
TEAM MEMBER 4:
Full Name: Goloch Thandier
Age: 60
Home Telephone: Goloch is rather old so I’m afraid only communicates by telegraph.
Mobile / Work:
Email:
Address:
Omid Djalili Rest Home
The Hyde
Luton
Bedfordshire
LU1 6HG
Occupation-Please give details:
Former colonialist (now retired)
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES AND INTERESTS?
Team Member 1: I like to write Nosferatu fan fiction mostly involving Nosferatu meeting David Bowie but sometimes he also goes on his holiday to Morecombe Bay and enjoys the statue of Eric Morecambe while eating seafood. (At night.)
Team Member 2: Morris Baldwin is my closest friend and he mostly likes hanging around with me even when I don’t particularly want him to. I’m not quite sure what he gets up to when I’m not around and quite frankly I’m not sure I want to know, whenever I try to tell him about my Nosferatu fiction he just gets really annoyed and say vampires are the enemy of mankind therefore I’m not going to listen to his interests.
Team Member 3: As a Student Terrence still hasn’t realised that communism is an unworkable shambles and so spends all his time in cafes with lefty friends plotting the overthrow of the government. Luckily his plans mostly involve wearing berets, stealing all the pens from Barclays and trying to convince tramps that they are homeless because they believe the western concepts of ‘home’, so capitalism is probably safe for now.
Team Member 4: Likes to study trains. He says he is studying them for ‘weaknesses’ and he theorises that if he finds a correct fault line and then throws a brick at it the entire train will come to bits. So far this hasn’t happened but he has made some serious dents so one can only assume he’s getting closer.
TV APPEARANCES
Have you appeared on any TV shows before? If Yes, please give details
Team Member 1: No (But I may soon be appearing on come dine with me, provided I can move to York at extremely short notice.)
Team Member 2: Yes. Performed some of the whipping stunts on the new Indiana Jones film including the one where Indiana Jones hooked onto something and then said “I thought it was closer”. Yes I know it’s technically a film but it has been on some channels and it was certainly on my TV when I watched my pirate copy.
Team Member 3: No
Team Member 4: Appeared on a documentary about the best way to stop the train from the Cassandra crossing called “Virus Vehicles” It was on channel 795 UK Engine. (Now “Steam!”)
Please list 3 subjects / categories that you consider to be your STRONGEST
(ie, Geography, History, Entertainment etc)
Team Member 1 1)Nosferatu 2)David Bowie film career 3) Philanthropy
Team Member 2 1) The Nethanial Trilogy 2) Aztechian History 3) Professor Oxley
Team Member 3 1) Che Guevara 2) Rage against the machine 3) Net Yaroze games
Team Member 4 1) Worlds strongest enochs.2) Machine gun maintenance 3) Weaknesses of trains.
Please list 3 subjects / categories that you consider to be your WEAKEST
Team Member 1 1) Dracula 2)Politics 3)Darts Scoring
Team Member 2 1) Greek Myths and legends 2) Ray Winston 3) Nail Care
Team Member 3 1) Kings of Spain 2) Jesse Owens 3) Marxism
Team Member 4 1) Racial equality 2) Ghandi Hats 3) The modern age.
Do you have any disabilities? (If yes, please list below)
Team Member 1 – No
Team Member 2 – Not really apart from a quick temper which for the most part actually grants him extra abilities.
Team Member 3 – No
Team Member 4 – Walks with a stick because of old legs.
Do you have any Criminal Convictions? (If yes, please list details below)
Team Member 1: Definitely Not
Team Member 2: A few warnings for threatening to whip people but if they would’ve just done what he said in the first place it wouldn’t have come to that. He never went to prison anyway, mostly I think because they were worried he may get hold of a towel and whip the other prisoners with it thereby instigating some sort of riot.
Team Member 3: He was once told off for going on a protest but he cried so much they drove him home and made him a cup of tea.
Team Member 4: No it was legal in those days.
Please complete this form and send it back to us with a recent photograph
via email to: knowitalls@bbc.co.uk
We will be holding auditions for short-listed teams throughout May - June 2009. Please note due to the anticipated high volume of applications, unsuccessful applicants will not be contacted. Finally, we cannot guarantee to audition everyone that applies and due to the volume of response we cannot acknowledge receipt of your application. If you are invited to attend an audition, please note that we are unable to reimburse travel expenses to and from auditions. Good luck!
 |
| Rou, Moris, Terrence and Goloch. |
Subject: Know all that
From: BBC Know it alls
Hi Rou,
Thanks for your email. We've tried to contact you before and it would be great to have a chat with you about your team. Do you have a contact number we could call you on? Please forward the contact numbers for your team and we will be in touch to explain the show and try and get you in for an audition.
Best wishes,
Toni
Toni Basil
Assistant Producer
Knowitalls
BBC Entertainment
To: BBC Know it alls
Subject: Know all that
Dear Miss Basil
I thought I had put down all the contact details for the team on the application form in fact I have the form in my vision now and I can confirm that I definitely did this. Therefore in a way I have already forwarded the numbers!
I look forward to hearing from you as me and the lad are very excited about getting on the show and proving that we know the most. I must say I did not realise there would be an audition though, this doesn’t involve having to take our tops off or anything does it? Because once Morris Baldwin auditioned for a west end show and they made him wear a loin cloth. The thing is a loin cloth isn’t the type of thing that he would normally wear and he wasn’t sure how to fasten it so when he hit a high note he revealed more than his talent! To add insult to injury he didn’t even get the job although he did get the phone number of a chorus girl. (He never dared ring it though as he has levels of terminal shyness and fears a woman will kiss him only for his money.)
All the best
- Rou LaFemme
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