Imagine some paint right, and then imagine as well as the paint you had games. I know it’s hard to conceive of those two together but bear with me. Now add some music, that’s easy done because most games already have music. Here comes the tricky part, imagine all these things together and then…imagine some style. Either you are now suffering from a brain haemorrhage or you have just imagined ‘Paint, Games, Music, Style.’ You have my sympathies.
Like so many unwanted memories ‘Paint, Games, Music, Style’ was brought into my life by Uncle Pete. Why he decided to go out and buy a substandard Mario Paint clone I will never know but it certainly did nothing to ingratiate me with my Plok! Playing classmates. (For the historically unaware Plok! Was a claymation platform game feature a yellow and red man named Plok!. The genius of it was that halfway through the game it all went black and white and you were playing as Plok!’s granddad who was Plok! but with a moustache.) Never the less I didn’t let him see the tears of disappointment and scuttled away to try and glean some enjoyment from his insane purchase. (actually Retro Prefect was probably there, but for the purposes of any and all stories I am an only child.)
So the start menu for Paint, Games Music, Style or “PGMS” as the cool kids from Saved by the Bell used to say.
Zoendark: “Hey Schalamael me and Absoloute Contagious Slantos are going to the juice bar after lessons to meet some ladies. Do you want to come?”
Schalamael: “No way Zoendark, I’m going home to play PGMS”
Journeyman Camphries: “Ho you two, no speech during lessons. I will detain you both after the standard finishing time.”
Zoendark: “Hod!”
Zoendark is rising from slumber because of the calamity made by his alarming clock,
He thinks the probability of arriving late are high.
In fact by the time he has observed his appearance and procured his pamphlets,
Then he arrives at the designated spot only to see that his intended mode of transportation has left behind him.
“There will be no repurcussion, in the bell I find my salvation”
If the lorekeeper tests his knowledge then that could be problematic due to his presumed lack of knowledge on the subject being tested.
What’s more his canine devoured his out of hours task
His plan is to sit lower than he normally would so as to avoid the lore keepers gaze
Presumably if the task is delivered tomorrow everything will be fine.
“There will be no repercussion, in the bell I find my salvation”
If I’m honest I preferred “Saved by the bell: GX”
Anyway the start menu of PGMS was very clearly divided into Paint, Games, Music and Style. These distinctions were not very well made though because all the sections involved music and some level of style. It would have been more reflective of the content of each section if they had been called “MS Paint which you can add music to, Two Games which feature music, a sort of stripped down version of e-jay where you can put in dog noises and a thing where you can make a monster or dress up a woman” or as the kids from Saved by the Bell called it “MPWYCAMTTGWFMASOSDVOEWYCPIDNAATWYCMAMODUAW”
Zoendark: “Hey Khun Ra do you want to come out on a date to the juice bar?”
Khun Ra: “I can’t I’m going shopping with Lemurias and then we’re going to play MPWYCAMTTGWFMASOSDVOEWYCPIDNAATWYCMAMODUAW””
Zoendark: “I got short shrift there!”
Unfortunately these events only occurred in my oxygen starved brain, in reality I had already selected paint and realised that it was the same rubbish paint program provided free with computers but with the following additions. 1. Precision Mouse control replaced by SNES joy pad control 2. A stamp of an Aardvark in Armour added. 3. Can set pictures to royalty free music. 4. Scary 3D animated dog of the type used to explain help features on Microsoft word.
More often than not I would use this paint program to make Mario style games using the box drawer to make platforms. The only flaws in this plan were that the game could only be on one screen and also that you couldn’t actually play the game, merely look at it. In the future games will be created simply by drawing them on a SNES game but for now the power still lies with the autistic and their knowledge of C++
Frustrated with the inability of modern technology to turn my thoughts into sub par platform games with extensive gold selection options, I turned to Music. Music consists of arranging musical notes onto a bar and then playing the tune at one of three tempos. As any muso will be able to tell you the three possible speeds of music are “Tortoise” “Human” and “Dog/Horse”. I’m sure this would be a powerful musical tool if you had any sort of musical ability. Unfortunately my music appreciation centres were replaced with a gland that makes you obsess over the fact that Smash brothers doesn’t have a consistent art style so all I ever managed to get out of it was a cacophony of meow’s and vaguely sexual sighs. Wisely I avoided taking advantage of the ability to import these games into paint. After all the players of my non-games would never be able to concentrate on not jumping from platform to platform with that ruckus going on! For the good of everyone I abandoned music and made haste towards Games.
Ah good old games. They might be rubbish but at least you knew what you were doing and there was no chance of accidentally creating the antidote to Hey Jude. (I did actually create the antidote to another Beatles song but it worked so effectively that any trace of the song was erased, so you wouldn’t have heard of it.) The games on offer were Mouse Maze which was Pac-man but instead of Pac-man, dots, ghosts it was Mouse, Cheese, Disembodied cat heads. Like any other version of Pac-man that isn’t Pac attack it immediately made you want to grind your fingers into a fine powder so as to avoid playing it anymore.
The other game was a space shooter so generic that I can’t even remember it’s name, needless to say it involved shooting different coloured asteroids and then some spaceships that looked like the drones from the second level of Smash TV. Why would I play this rubbish when I could be experiencing the peanut gun action-fest that was Toys? With a world weary sigh I moved onto Style.
By this time I had given up on the idea of having any sort of fun, I was playing Style purely out of obligation. The monster creation section didn’t disappoint, you could mix and match different heads, bodies and, legs but they were all different colours and most of them didn’t even line up properly. Such creatures could not exist even in the most demented of environment. I hated monster maker, it made me think of things that never should have been.
But then I started playing Stylin’ Stuff.
It’s very hard to describe the hours of fun to be had from dressing up a virtual paper doll in strange outfits but I’m sure anyone who’s ever played the sims will appreciate the entertainment value. Brilliantly you would randomly receive a comment on your chosen outfit ranging from the positive “Cool” to the blunt “NOT” and the confusing “Rodius”. Oh and if you were feeling particularly ‘adult’ you could cause the woman too be wearing naught but some co-co nut shells. Party time!
Therefore I would give Paint, games, Music, Style an overall score of Rodius out of five.
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