To: ITV
Subject: Crystal Maze
Dear Channel ITV
I heard it on the great-vine that you are bringing back the crystal maze but instead of Crystal O’ Brian it will be presented by a woman called Hol One (A robot?). I’m sure that will give all the men something to look at in between solving the puzzles! However I also have some ideas of my own which I think you would be interested to take a look at.
1. Instead of having Aztec Zone, Industrial Zone, Medieval Zone and Future Zone they should be called The Amid Zone, Today’s media Zone, Golden Era Zone and Wing Fortress Zone. Also there should be a secret zone called John Ronkersleys wonder zone where you have to go through a tunnel shaped like the mouth of John Ronkersley and then when you get to the end there is a mannequin of John Ronkersley saying “Welcome to my wonder zone”. Then it would be as if John Ronkersley was inside himself! The crystals in the John Ronkersley wonder zone are worth more time in the Crystal Dome because the games are more difficult and often involve broken glass bottles on sticks or having a staring contest against a poster of John Ronkersley. (Also the poster has ‘please blink’ written underneath)
2. The Crystal Dome should be renamed ‘the blowing circumfrence’ and there are more different coloured tokens which represent different mathematical functions such as pi or multiples of. When they have worked out all the tokens if they get over 12 then they can win a prize. Instead of shouting “Start the fans please” Hol One would throw a chain at the door.
3. All the games should be timed by Hans O’Clocken a comedy German pirate who has a clock in his stomach. (It was put there by the kings men to teach him a lesson) He would make banter with the challengers such as saying “Don’t be latey matey” or “Go faster peg leg”. When they get locked in for taking too long Hans would open his mouth and a cuckoo will come out on a spring. If the challengers want to buy the prisoners freedom they have to give a crystal to Hans and he will poke the cuckoo into the lock and open the door. This trade will be known as a “Cuckoo interface” and I think “Do you want to make a cuckoo interface?” will become a big catchphrase that you could print on mugs/T-shirts/bronze.
4. There will be a puppet of ‘mumsy’ that roams the crystal maze looking for her lost son. If it touches one of the contestants then they are absorbed by it and they have to play a special game against the puppet master. This is where they have to guess the identity of famous puppets the puppet master has made but the puppet master only has one eye so they aren’t a very good likeness. Also the puppet master will cheat as he makes the puppets jig around very quickly.
5. Sometimes the puppet master fires a missile out of his eye that you have to dodge.
6. A special tram would take people to different bits of the crystal maze but they have to keep putting coal into the trams engine or a dinosaur will chase them. If the dinosaur catches them then they lose all the crystals except one which the dinosaur doesn’t see because it was in the glove compartment for safe keeping.
Also I have some good ideas for new games which I’m sure you will be glad to hear.
Name: Imperial Crouton Lord
Category: Skill
Premise: The imperial crouton lord sits in the centre of a pedestal and you have to put things in his hands that weigh the same i.e. a brick in one hand and then two shoe boxes full off coins in the other. If The Imperial Crouton Lord is unbalanced then he is annoyed and does not give you the crystal and it is an automatic lock in. However if he is able to stay resting on his pedestal then his hat comes off and there is a crystal underneath.
Name: Txt the M8’s
Category: Physical
Premise: There is a giant phone keypad and the contestant has to do a message that is written on the wall by jumping up and down on the buttons. However the person has to convert the message into txt speak or it will use too many characters and you are on the last bar of battery. Also your mate Kevin Turner thinks punctuation is “well batty” so he will not send you a funny joke from jamster. If you are successful and you get the funny joke then the big mans head will open with guffaws and a crystal will come out as tears of laughter.
Name: Do Frosnock!
Category: Mental
Premise: There are letters on the floor and the message “Do Frosnock!” is on a plaque. The contestant has to arrange the letters into the word “Frosnock” if they are successful then a little slot in the ‘o’ of Frosnock opens and they get a crystal.
Name: Nudgell Condor Pole
Category: Skill
Premise: A bird made of rusty bikes is guarding some eggs but one of the eggs is actually a crystal! The contestant is given a special kind of pole and a map of where the crystal is, however they cannot see the bird and can only poke the pole through a hole in the wall. If they nudge the bird then it does a squawk and says “Never again to be at my eggs”. If this happens three times then the contestant is automatically locked in and they have to listen to the bird tell an amusing anecdote about Baz at work who is a right laugh. However if they manage to hook the crystal it will get knocked onto a log that comes towards the contestant.
Name: Aqua Room Zwei
Category: Physical
Premise: Aqua Room Zwei is full of holes and the water is all falling out. The contestant has to go underwater and repair the holes by putting in the shapes left behind by the chief engineer. (The chief engineer is afraid of swimming because he thought the sea might invade his privacy.) Once all the holes are blocked the fish are released from the holding bay and the contestant has to search them to find which one has the crystal. (It would be the on the freshwater Salmon – the most expensive of all fish and thus the one that would naturally have a crystal in its eye.) The team would be able to help the contestant by looking though portholes and signalling him with underwater flags that are unfurled when you say “flag now” into a microphone.
Name: Theatre of Shadow
Category: Mystery
Premise: The room is totally dark apart from the illuminated crystal. It looks very easy for the contestant to head towards it. However there is a twist as there are several black objects on the floor which might cause the person to fall. Also every so often an Ian McKellen statue will light up and say “You shall not pass” and more objects such as nails. Spatula or object is dropped onto the floor.
I look forward to hearing from you in regard to my suggestions
All the best
- R.Lafemme
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