Subject: Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky.
Dear the BBC
As I understand it Britain's number one coma fantasy show Ashes to Ashes Funk to Funky will soon be reaching its inevitable conclusion. (The woman dies - I'm right aren't I?) First of all let me say well done on a job adequately performed but also let me say CALM DOWN. I know that you're probably panicking wondering what to do now and how in the name of our lord Osiris you are going to fill the gap in the schedule. At this minute you're probably sat with your head in your hands "just what do I do now? I have NOTHING NOTHING. I can't lose another job not at my age, what will the wife think." Clenching and unclenching your fists, crying and perhaps even rending your garments in despair. Just take a breath, think of the children and put the knife down ok. I'm here to help.
Right so far we have had two successful series Life on Mars which about someone having a coma fantasy in the (19)70's and Ashes to Ashes Funk to Funky which was about someone having a coma fantasy in the (19)80's. So what could possibly follow that? Two good series and then where? Do we just flush this idea down the drain alongside Cadfael 2010 and Jonathan Creek VS Kingdom? Of course not! As I have thought of a brilliant follow up - a series about a coma fantasy set in the (19)90's. Yes I know "How did I ever come up with that?" to be honest I don't know where I get my ideas from they just sort of appear from out of the ether. Some might say these are the early signs of genius but I simply think of it as having a special gift from the heavens. (Perhaps as a child I was visited by the Archangel Uriel?)
Anyway rather than try to explain my idea, I have done a bit of a sample script to give you a feel for what I'm talking about. I've dabbled in scriptwriting before but I'm sure you'll agree this is my best effort yet. For you this is a good thing because my other efforts weren't half bad!
"I'm afraid of Americans" - episode 1
Int a police station - the modern times. Some police are planning the police missions for the day. Police Chief Fashanu is drawing on a big white board and there are pictures of a famous murderer called Zach the Knife.
Police Chief Fashanu: Now listen here we have to catch Zach the Knife before he does anymore crimes so I want you to all get of your arse and GET LOOKING.
Constable Barrensburgh: But chief, we've been searching for five months now and never found anything. I think this Zach the Knife is un-capturable and possibly invisible.
Police Chief Fashanu: Well what do you suggest we do Barrensburgh!!!?? We can't just let him go about indiscriminately murdering prostitutes and also others.
The door opens and Bolivar Crank saunters in wearing one of those red and white jacket things like they used to wear on Happy Days.
Bolivar Crank: The pattern of the murders and the slope of his eyebrows suggest he has a base of operations exactly...
He scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it over to Constable Barrensburgh
Bolivar Crank: Here get a swat team and have them check this address, you'll find your serial killer.
Constable Barrensburgh: Thanks mister but how did you...
Bolivar Crank: I'm an American Mr Barrensburgh.
Police Chief Fashanu: Ahh you must be our new American officer on a special exchange trip from America.
Bolivar Crank: That's right and may I say it's a pleasure to be serving with you limeys and I hope we'll all become "good moites"
The radio crackles and Chief Fashanu listens in for a while.
Chief Fashanu: That was Barrensburgh they just apprehended Zach the Knife, with extreme prejudice. Just how did you know where he was going to be?
Bolivar Crank: I'm an American sir. Oh and sir I caught a couple of muggers on the way here, can you have your men get them out of my car - its parked out front. I'd do it myself but I'm taking the rest of the day off.
He saunters out of the office.
Chief Fashanu: What a guy!
Ext - outside police headquarters. Bolivar Crank walks out of the headquarters quickly followed by female P.C Tangfastic.
P.C Tangfastic: I saw you in there; you're an American aren't you?
Bolivar Crank: That's right little lady. Say you wouldn't like to go out on a date with someone from the U.S of A would you? It’s just I'm new in town and I'm not sure what you limeys do for your leisure (leeshure) time.
PC Tangfastic: Well we could meet at the club and go clubbing then if you're lucky I'll show you what us Brits really do for fun. Seductive wink.
Bolivar Crank: Ok baby, see ya later cos right now I gotta go pee.
He saunters off
PC Tangfastic: Breathily What a guy!
Int - A modern day’s night club. The David Bowie song I'm afraid of Americans is playing.
Bolivar Crank: So wadda you havin?
PC Tangfastic: Ill have a pint o beer love.
Bolivar Crank: Wow you limeys sure know how to party. He turns to the bartender.
Hey barkeep a pint for my "moite" hear and Ill have a Banana Daquari - on the rocks.
Bartender: Very well sir. He gives them the drinks.
They take sips of the drinks, put them down then go off and dance a bit. A mysterious and shady figure skulks up to the UNATTENDED DRINKS.
Romulon: Ah a Daquari, without a doubt that would be the drink of a lovely lady. Mayhap I shall pop yonder tablet into the brew and then make my approach when the drug begins to weave its wicked spell.
He puts a mysterious pill in the drink that fizzes away and skulks back into some shadows.
Bolivar Crank and PC Tangfastic return to the table
PC Tangfastic: Well Mr Crank you Americans certainly know your way around the dance floor, but how about the BEDROOM floor?
Bolivar Crank: Now that's special relationship I'd like to be a part of. Just let me finish my drink. He gulps down the drink, immediately his eyes turn green and he starts to fall.
Bolivar Crank: Something in my drink....arghhh....American physiology ....not used to British...drugssssss....
The picture whites out, we hear PC Tangfastic screaming "Quick bring a biro, he's fainted"
Int - A bedroom. Bolivar Crank wakes with a start
Bolivar Crank: Woah! That was some bad juju. Least I got to my apartment, but I better not be late for work.
He grabs his coat and sets off for the police headquarters. He passes a man wearing parachute pants, a jogger listening to a portable CD player and some girls wearing "girl power" tops.
Bolivar arrives at the police headquarters.
Bolivar Crank: Phew Just made it.
He enters the police headquarters but is shocked to find that all the flat screen computers have been replaced with bulkier models! (We hear "Dub b good to me" by Beats International)
Bolivar Crank: Hey what the dilly oh!?! What's going on here?
90's Policeman: What do you mean sir?
Bolivar Crank: I mean what's with all the antique hardware my man!
90's Policeman: But sir these are the very latest computers complete with windows 95 which is the latest software available this year, which is 1995 as well you know.
Bolivar Crank: Oh I get it, having a joke on the dumb yank! Well we're all moites here but enough with the joke where's the boss?
90's Policeman: I'm sure I don't know what you're going on about sir. The guvna is in his office if his office if you'd like to see him though.
Sweeping shot to the door of the office which opens to reveal the figure of 90's Gene Hunt (We hear "R U Ready for this" by 2Unlimited)
Gene Hunt: Oi you bunch of nonces, what's all the kafuffle? I’m in my office trying to catch SCUM and you are in here poncing about like the bleeding Tellytubbies.
Bolivar Crank: Excuse me sir are you the boss? I'm the American exchange police man from America and...
Gene Hunt: Oi, there's three things I don't like in my police force. The first thing is weedy men who don't agree with police brutality, the second is women and the third is yanks! But seen as you're here now we'll have to live with it won’t we? Come on Uncle Sam there's some baddie smugglers with a bunch of naughty Jurassic Park VHS videos down the docks. If you can deal with that then maybe I'll let you stay ere!
Bolivar Crank: But...
Gene Hunt: Oi, just come on!
He drags him into a 90's fast car.
Ext - The docks. Some smugglers in balaclavas are loading crates onto a truck.
Garry Wilmot Smuggler: We've really done it this time. These hookey Jurassic Park VHS videos have a street value of over £500 punds which is quite a lot in this day and age, that is the 1990's!
Andy Peters Smuggler: Yeah we'll be laughing all the way to Nat West!
Gene Hunt and Bolivar Crank skid round the corner in a reckless manner. (We hear "Out of Space" by the Prodigy) They jump out of the car and attempt to accost the smugglers Gene Hunt manages to knock out Andy Peters smuggler with a patented Hunt punch. However Gary Wilmot smuggler knocks him over with an iron bar and runs away.
Gene Hunt: Gahh he got away he's too far away for either of us to catch.
Bolivar Crank: Maybe for you but this is how I roll!
He draws his American police gun and shoots Garry Wilmot smuggler in the leg.
Garry Wilmot: Arghhh dammit!
Gene Hunt: I knew there was something I liked about the yanks!
They cuff him and Gene Hunt kicks him in the leg.
Garry Wilmot: Argghhhhhhhhh
Int - the 90's bar (We hear 'Deeply Dippy' by Right Said Fred) the police are all sat around the table having drinks.
Gene Hunt: Well here's to the Yanks they aren't completely awful!
Bolivar Crank: Glad to be on the team Mr Hunt.
Suddenly the room goes all funny and an echoey voice happens.
Echoey voice: Wake up Bolivar...quick get the stomach pump.
Bolivar shakes his head confused.
To be continued....
Subject: Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky
From: The BBC
Dear Mr Lafemme
Thanks for your e-mail.
I understand that you've come up with an idea for a new programme to fill the gap in the schedules when 'Ashes to Ashes' ends.
I'm sure you'll understand that each year we receive tens of thousand of programme ideas, many of which are similar, and we can only use a small proportion. In order to prevent misunderstandings, I should make it clear that we can't accept any obligation to pay for a programme suggestion, or to use one particular suggestion in preference to another.
Should you wish further information regarding the BBC commissioning process for new programmes, please visit our commissioning website at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/commissioning/
This offers advice and information on the development and submission of your idea.
You may also wish to visit the BBC Writers' Room. This offers detailed advice for future submissions to the BBC, as well as general advice on writing for television and radio. Please visit: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/
I'd like to assure you that we have registered your comments on our audience log. This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.
Thanks again for taking the time to write to us with your proposal.
Regards
Lazer Level
BBC Complaints
To: The BBC
Subject: Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky.
Does this mean that you will be using my idea but you are just being a bit cagey because you're scared I might sue you or something? Don’t worry I’m giving you the idea for free and gratis, I just want to do my bit for the BBC - I’m not even asking for a credit. (Although it would be nice if I got a bit of a mention somewhere or maybe a cameo appearance)
All the best
- R.LaFemme
Subject: Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky
From: The BBC
Dear Mr LaFemme
Thanks for your further e-mail.
We note that you're offering your idea to the BBC for free and we can assure you that we're not being cagey.
Again, we'd advise that you submit your suggestion via the BBC Commissioning website at:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/commissioning/
Thanks for your interest in our programmes and for taking the time to contact us.
Regards
Jonathan Crane
BBC Complaints
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