To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Dear “Come Dine with Me”
I would like to invite you and some strangers to “Come Dine with Me” in my home as I feel I can throw one hell of a soiree. My friends are always telling me that my dinner parties have to be seen to be believed and my friend Morris Baldwin once threatened to kill me unless I shared my recipe for chocolate soufflé. I didn’t have the heart to tell him they were bought in and so I made up a recipe involving whisking honey at light speed. Amazingly he believed me, but then he is mentally ill.
Perhaps the best dinner party I ever held was the time I hired several burlesque artists to dance around the tables while we ate. I say best but I probably mean most memorable as one of the dancers burnt themselves in a private zone on the agar and had to be withdrawn from service. Luckily the aga didn’t have to also be withdrawn from service but I did have some doubts about using again as the dancer didn’t look that clean, in the end I decided to lay a crucifix on the aga. I thought it might work better if I melted it in a pan as the holiness could spread out more but then realised it may be considered a sin to melt Jesus. Apart from this the party was a great success and my friends of both sexes said they found the dancers highly erotic if not a bit ‘in depth’.
If you could therefore consider me for the next series of come dine with me I would be highly grateful. (Especially if you let me win the money.)
All the best
- R.Lafemme
Subject: RE: Come dine with ME
From: Come dine with me.
Hi Rou La Femme,
Thank you very much for getting in touch with us and sharing your funny and interesting dinner party stories!
Please can you let me know whereabouts you live and your contact numbers so I can get the right team to give you a call so we can run through the application process?
Best regards,
Reinhart
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Greetings Reinhart,
I’m glad you enjoyed my dinner party stories and let me tell you that I have many more where that came from! Many of them do involve attempting to summon up ghosts but so far I have never been successful and so I remain tight lipped. I once thought I had managed to get through to "the other side" but it turned out I had drunk too much green tea and hit my head on a tap.
At present I am living in York but I must apologise that I cannot provide a contact number as I am currently involved in a quarrel with the phone company, needles to say I won’t be inviting the man from BT to my dinner party. (I say man it’s actually a woman and I would like to invite her but she said not to ring her again - which of course I cannot).
Is there any other way I could get onto your show? I am desperate to show the nation what I am made of, or at least what my food is made of!
All the best
- R.LaFemme
Subject: RE: Come dine with ME
From: Come dine with me.
Hello,
I’m sorry to hear that you are having problems with BT: that is such an annoyance and a shame that we can’t telephone you at the moment. Unfortunately in these early stages of the application process, it is important that we chat with everyone over the phone before we can take you to the next stage.
Perhaps it’s possible for you to go to a friend’s house and we could call you there, or maybe you have a mobile phone we could call you on?
Best regards,
Reinhart
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Hello Reinhart
I am in negotiations with my friend Morris Baldwin to be allowed to borrow his phone for a while. It’s taking some time because he is paranoid about people using his phone to ring up those phone lines from the back of magazines and destroy his reputation. He intends to run as a councillor at some point and says that something like that can destroy all your chances. At present I am doing my best to convince him that I have no bad intentions but he claims there is a lot of 'red tape'.
As for a mobile I have always been scared about the evil rays that they fire out since someone told me they made him see a devil by going through his eyes. I would like to assure you though that there is nothing wrong with how I talk and I do not have a sonic scream which can pierce steel if that’s what you're worrying about. Some people have told me that my voice is slightly monotone but that’s only because they never got me very excited and I saw them less as people and more as specks on my shoe.
Hopefully soon we will be able to be in contact so that I can make mincemeat of the opposition with my fearsome dinner party skills.
All the best
- R.LaFemme
Subject: RE: Come dine with ME
From: Come dine with me.
Hello Rou,
That is a shame to hear that your friend Morris is reluctant to lend you his mobile phone, I am surprised to hear that he is worried you might use it for less than reputable purposes: I am sure that you wouldn't use it for such indiscretions. Perhaps another talk with him to try to persuade him against such thoughts would be useful? If Morris is still reluctant, then I'm sure his worries could be rested by him simply being in the house when you chat to us.
I have heard many people voice their concerns over the use of mobile telephones and I am sure over using them may cause damage. Perhaps that person who saw the devil had their phone permanently stuck to their ear? I am quite sure you don't have a sonic scream for a voice and would happily chat to you about your fearsome dinner party skills once the telephone issues have been resolved.
Best regards,
Reinhart
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Hello Reinhart,
Just to let you know I am still trying to get use of a phone, I tried to show Morris Baldwin your email to convince him it was an important situation but he said that you have dishonoured him by saying Morris instead of using his full name. What he actually said was that "Names signify who we are so by using half my name you are making me half a man." He also wouldn’t believe it because at the bottom of your email it said ITV when Come dine with me is on channel 4. Myself I hadn’t noticed it, but don’t worry I won’t tell anyone if you're moonlighting! My other friend Timothy (who doesn’t mind you not using his second name) is back from travelling soon and he will probably let me use his phone, I just hope it still works as it is quite an old phone – possibly pre war.
Also I thought I might ask you a question Reinhart, because I was watching come dine with me the other day and I realised that sometimes the man that does the voice on it can be quite harsh. For example if someone says "I will use a spoon for this" he will say "That’s what it’s for!" in a sarcastic voice. Very occasionally this might even make someone look a bit silly which would probably be embarrassing when their friends saw it on the TV. That man wouldn’t try and make me look silly would he? I mean I am quite an intelligent person. (I even have a 2:2 in History) But we all make mistakes! I don’t think I should like to be made a fool of when I was just trying to satisfy some people dinner wise.
All the best
- Rou LaFemme
Subject: RE: Come dine with ME
From: Come dine with me.
Hi Rou,
Please apologise to Morris Baldwin for me, I had no intention of dishonouring him by not using his full name. Here at ITV we tend to use people's first names as we find it is more personal and less officious. However, if Morris Baldwin feels more at ease using both names, then I will do so. He is correct in seeing that I work at ITV and 'Come Dine With Me' is shown in Channel 4: it's a simple situation that Granada Media make the show for Channel 4.
You are quite within your right to ask me a question about the voiceover man who comments on the show. This is quite a unique and popular part of each episode and I am sure everyone watching realises that the comments are never meant in a demeaning or insulting way, they are merely tongue-in-cheek and amusing.
This is my last day before I go on holiday so any further correspondence will need to be directed to Chantilly Weiss. When you finally get a phone to use, please can you let her know the number so, if you are indeed interested in taking part in the York episode, she can call you and discuss the application process. Her email address is Chantillyweiss@itv.com
Best regards
Reinhart
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Enjoy your holidays!
- Rou
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Dear Miss Weiss (Please forgive if you aren’t married I have no way of knowing)
My name is Rou LaFemme and your contact details were passed on to me by your colleague and I hope your friend Reinhart. We have been communicating about the possibility of me being on Come Dine With Me and I think we might have also become friends along the way. He may have told you that I am having some trouble with getting access to a phone at the minute and he said I should contact you as soon as one became available. Unfortunately at present my friend Timothy is still not back from his holidays, I say holidays he is actually in prison but I was scared to say in case it disbarred me from the show for having unsavoury compatriots. Actually I am quite worried about borrowing his phone because I hear that people come out of prison more violent than they go in which with him would be quite bad. You wouldn’t keep me talking for too long and run up a huge bill would you?
Also I wondered if I could run a sample menu for my dinner party past you to see if you thought it had a good chance of winning. I wouldn’t want to spend all that money on food and come away with nothing would I? I know some people say they have a good time but I think my dinner party would probably be better than anyone else’s and so I would be short-changed mentally AND spiritually.
Here is my menu, my friend Drafus helped me with it - is that cheating?
Starter - A velocity of Asparagus and Sugar Cane.
Main - Jock Jams on the Hams, with a tremendous Jus.
Final - Kittle Kattle Kake and supreme moose topping.
What do you think?
All the best
- R.LaFemme
Subject: RE: Come dine with ME
From: Come dine with me.
Dear R.LaFemme,
Thank you for your email.
Richard mentioned that you had been in contact regarding the show and were trying to find a phone number we could reach you on. As soon as you’ve found one, please let me know the number and I can ring you and talk through the show.
Regarding your menu, it is absolutely fine to have someone help you come up with the ideas for the dishes. I would be very interested in finding out more about you and your food, so please let me know your telephone number as soon as possible.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards,
Chantilly
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Dear Miss Weiss
Sometimes I feel like I am destined never to achieve my dreams. I finally managed to be allowed use of a phone from my friend Morris Baldwin. (I told him I would wear a T-Shirt with a picture of his face on it if I got on the TV, I hope this is ok.) However over the weekend I have fallen ill and lost my voice! I rang the doctor as I was a bit worried that it may be the Mexan flu but he said it was probably just "something else" so I was comforted. However it obviously means that I cannot speak on the phone at the minute, I mean you could ring me but all I would be able to do is sort of croak at the phone or make a calamity noise with household objects. I am trying my best to get well as quickly as possible so far I have been taking some homemade remedies that Morris Baldwin recommended but to be honest I don’t think Liquorice and dock leaves ground up in a pestle and mortar is doing me much good. That’s why I’m visiting the steam acupuncturist tomorrow to try and get it sorted, I’ll try and let you know how it goes.
Also I was wondering if you could reassure me a little. My friend Morris Baldwin reminded me that I have what some people might think is an 'odd' face. I know how they like to only have good looking people like Vanessa Mae (the violinist) on television so I was wondering if this would prevent me from being on the show? I mean I might not be the prettiest to look at but I always try to brush my hair and it’s not like I look like this on purpose. It’s not anything horrific like a big scar from an accident or half a melted face but in some ways it might be better if it was because then people feel a bit more sorry for you and don’t point quite so much.
All the best
- R. LaFemme
Subject: RE: Come dine with ME
From: Come dine with me.
Dear R. LaFemme,
Sorry to hear that you haven’t been feeling well.
It would be best if we could chat about the show further over the telephone when you are better. Perhaps you could ring me on (Number omitted due to legal) when you get a chance?
Kind regards,
Natalie
To: Come dine with me
Subject: Come dine with ME
Hello Friend Chantilly
It was really nice to hear from you as at the minute I am housebound with my bad throat. You wouldn’t think lack of speech would be so debilitating but when you can’t do all the things that make life worth living i.e. ordering delicious food in restaurants, speaking to new friends on the bus and writing Nosferatu fiction using dragon dictate solo. I haven’t heard from any of my friends for a couple of weeks now as Morris Baldwin has been talking quite a lot about deadly viruses recently. (He got the big book of viruses for Christmas.) So it was very nice to hear that you were “sorry I wasn’t feeling well”. It just made me feel like someone actually cared about little old me.
I am trying my best to get well enough to ring you but it’s not easy and the steam acupuncture didn’t help at all. Actually I think he burnt the back of my neck but as I am unable to see this area of my body I am unable to say for sure. I just thought I better let you know that I’m still soldiering on and I do still want to take part more than anything in the world. I just don’t know what I might do otherwise.
I should also say that I do find the phone a bit problematic in other ways as I feel quite queasy when using it, especially if speaking to people I don’t know. In fact it makes me very nervous indeed so I hope it won’t be a problem if I don’t make complete sense on the phone. I mean I once said some terrible things to Goloch Thandier over the phone but it was a pure accident and I don’t really think his mother is anything like that.
All the best.
- R.LaFemme
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