Scene 1 – Int. (The offices of Roderick Fairfield: Attorney at Law. Johnny Transistor the former radio guru turned PR and Miss Bastille the busty but ultimately pointless PA of Roderick Fairfield are pretending to work. )
Miss Bastille: Oops run out of yellow adhesive notes I better get some more from the provisions cupboard.
Johnny Transistor: Ok Ill “Mind the thought” hahahha
Miss Bastille: Hohoho – witty banter!
She enters the cupboard
Miss Bastille: SCREEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM
Johnny Transistor: Is everything ok? I heard some sort of noise almost like a scream!
He runs to the cupboard and we see Miss Bastille stood over the corpse of a dead body
Miss Bastille: Oh my word! Jiminy Crizens!
Johnny Transistor: This man is dead! I must summon the practitioner.
Johnny Transistor uses his mental transistors to contact the emergency services.
- Title sequence featuring scenes of a dangerous city and the cold dead eyes of Inspector Tockenheim, the man who knows the TRUTH –
Inspector Emile Tockenheim stands over the body analysing it with his trademark illuminati pendulum, next to him is his imbecilic partner PC Jack “Cogsworthy” Coxon.
PC Cogsworthy: What do you make of this then governor?
Tockenheim: The illuminate pendulum reveals to me the answer to this mystery, as it does all mysteries. For the illuminate pendulum gives me access to a higher truth…
PC Cogsworthy: Come on then tell us who done it and lets arrest the blighter.
Tockenheim: Alas I cannot my simple compatriot, surely you know that any truth lies beyond the confines of language and so I have no way to pass on the information. Rest assured that we will catch the man in due course. We need only gather the proper ‘evidence’ in order to satisfy the notion of justice that our current discourse demands.
PC Cogsworthy: Does that mean I should dust for fingerprints boss?
Tockenheim: *Sigh* If you must my moronic minion, take care to examine the wounds on the back of the cranius.
PC Cogsworthy: Cranius Mr Tockenheim?
Tockenheim: That’s a noggin to a proletarian princess such as yourself! See how it appears to have been smashed in by some sort of blunt intstrument.
PC Cogsworthy: Like what a cudgel with a plus two dexterity bonus? Or a snooker table on a bit of string?
Tockenheim: I know exactly what it was, but you must wait for the results of the forensic tests.
PC Cogsworthy: Ill get Dr Hawk on the radio…
Dr: I’m here just liked you asked, EARLIER THIS MORNING, Tockenheim.
PC Cogsworthy: But how could you have known?
Tockenheim: Tockenheim never fails *Clenches fist*
Scene 2- ext. (Outside the home of Roderick Fairfield)
PC Cogsworthy: Shouldn’t we have waited to confirm the identity of the body Mr Tockenheim?
Tockenheim: You forget with whom you speak! Now be silence as we must convey sad tidings to the newly widowed Mrs Fairfield.
PC Cogsworthy: But how can you be sure it was…
Tockenheim: AH!
PC Cogsworthy: But we never got the body…
Tockenheim: AH!
PC Cogsworthy: (Forlornly) Yes boss.
Tockenheim knocks on the door with a sense of purpose usually associated with the sporting heroes which make our nation proud i.e. Darren Day
Mrs Tara Fairfield opens the door SEDUCTIVELY
Mrs Fairfield: Hello boys, what can I do for the TWO of you?
Tockenheim: Mrs Fairfield I’m afraid I have some bad news for you, hazah!
He swings the Illuminati Pendulum towards Mrs Fairfield’s forehead and we see thought waves pass between the two.
Mrs Fairfield: I understand inspector.
Tockenheim: Very good, now you know I will see you later.
Mrs Fairfield: Indeed.
Tockenheim: Don’t forget to put on a show.
Mrs Fairfield: As it must be. *She nods and closes the door*
PC Cogsworthy: Not much emotion for someone who’s usband just died.
Tockenheim: When faced with the truth one can only discard the irrational and strive towards the inevitable.
PC Cogsworthy: Yes boss….does that mean it was her?
Tockenheim: I presume you mean did she commit the murder? I know the answer but in a society obsessed with narrative structure it would be churlish of me to reveal it at the present time.
PC Cogsworthy: So what do we do now boss?
Tockenheim: Why we do what we must! We may make some progress by interviewing those present at the time.
PC Cogsworthy: You mean that Transistor Geezer and the Tart.
Tockenheim: That’s right Cogsworthy, we’ll make a scholar of you yet!
PC Cogsworthy: Really Mr Tockenheim?
Tockenheim: Of course not you impudent imperialist! Unless of course you intend to be a student of the obvious at the university of the mundane. In which case you would get a 2:1 the most average of all grades.
PC Cogsworthy: Yes Mr Tockenheim.
Scene 3 – Int. (The offices of Roderick Fairfield: Attorney at Law, Tockenheim and Cogsworthy are interviewing Miss Bastille)
Tockenheim: So you were here when the murder occurred.
Miss Bastille: Um definitely, I mean Mr Transistor can….
Tockenheim: That wasn’t a question! Only Cogsworthy here needs any answers.
Cogsworthy: Miss. Can I ask how well you knew Mr Fairfield?
Miss Bastille: Well he was the boss innit.
Cogsworthy: Indeed.
Miss Bastille: Ok I admit it we were having an affair, but he promised he never loved his wife and anyway she was having loads of affairs and everybody knew it. Please don’t tell anyone it will ruin my dreams of getting into medical school.
Cogsworthy: So you wanted to keep the affair quiet eh?
Miss Bastille: No I never killed him!
Cogsoworthy: No one said you did, Miss Bastille, We’re simply trying to establish the facts.
Miss Bastille: Ill tell you the facts! We were going to run away together and he was going to pay to get me through medical school, then we could live the life we’ve always wanted. But we had to wait until an imminent set of circumstances which would benefit us financially but in some way inconvenience his wife.
Cogsworthy: Could you not say what those circumstances were?
Miss Bastille: I’m afraid not.
Cogsworthy: Why not? Bearing in mind we are the police and it is highly immoral to withhold information from us.
Miss Bastille: As the explanation while plausible, is rather dull and therefore unnecessary.
Tockenheim: Enough questions!
Cogsworthy: *whispers* But Tockenheim…
Tockenheim: Nonsense Cogsworthy this questioning has gone on far too long; you have the required knowledge to proceed. Now speak with the man so we can proceed towards our conclusion.
Cogworthy: Very well, you may go Miss. Send in Mr Transistor will you.
Miss Bastille leaves the room
To be continued...
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