Festive Film Festacular

“Tammers Christmas Carol”

Popular sports personality Keith “Tammers” Tamworth stars in this all new version of the Dickens classic as Ebeneezer Tammers, a man who has serious doubts about Christmas. This all changes when he is visited by the three ghosts of his dead children (the reason he hates Christmas is because his children are dead.) Eventually he learns the true meaning of Christmas – throwing foreign coins at beggars.

The best bit is when Tammers says “Anyone who goes around with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips should be gone at Tammer and Hongs with his own turkey.” And there is a cameo appearance by Tammer’s former team mate Albert LeFrisco as Bob LeCratchet the Mexican pauper. “Eh gringo mia bambino ist mucho crippolo!” It does sag a little in the middle when Tammers goes on a long rant about the virtues of the modern decathlon but fans of Tammers are sure to eat this up, especially the points he makes about the use of steam punk style jumping shoes in the long jump.

Overall this is an excellent family film although the constant Mexican references might not be suitable for young children. (If they are scared of Mexicans) I give it a  “Come in an Tammers me better man” out of five.

“Dead Santa Replace Zwei: Icy Issues”

This follows the events of “Dead Santa Replace” in which everyday family man Salvatore Cosgrove (Nicholas Cage) must take the place of Santa after accidentally shooting him in the face. Thankfully no one really seems to care about the fact that Santa is dead and Salvatore is able to deliver toys to all the children of the world. (Who have wealthy parents and therefore deserve presents the most)

In this sequel Salvatore finds that being the new Santa isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be as he faces competition from Jack Frost (Christopher Walken). This goes from a few disputes over icy roofs to all out warfare when Salvatore’s brother goes to the land of Jack Frost and smashes up lots of ice men with a hammer. As usual modern technology saves the day and Salvatore eventually prevails by getting his elves to build a proton cannon but there is certainly a lot of tension in the meantime. (Especially as the ice men are working on a bosun cannon but do not complete it because a lot of the polar bear scientists defect to the North Pole after a pay dispute.)

This film is probably worth watching just to see the bit where jack Frost says “I invented coldness!” but it doesn’t have the same level of graphics as the original ‘Dead Santa Replace’. Therefore I give it a “Elf” out of “Zwolf”

‘It’s a Wonderful Life 2: For whom the bell tolls’

After convincing James Stewart that he has had a “Wonderful” life Clarence has one more task to perform before he gains his wings – convince the money grasping Mr Potter to commit suicide. What follows is a heart-warming tale of one man’s decision to improve the world by removing himself from it.

Mr Potter: “You mean without me Hugh Jackman would have bought a house in this town.”

Clarence: “Yes and he wouldn’t mind answering questions about the making of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. You see Mr potter it would be better if you had never been born., you really have led an awful life.”

I give it a car and hose out of 7.

Home Alone Rises

10 Years after the Wet bandits murdered his parents in front of him Kevin McAllister returns from years of training to take up the mantle of “The Loner” a mysterious vigilante who lures criminals to his house and then kills them by dropping irons on them.  Highlights include the scene where John Candy invents a special kind of iron which can drop onto everyone’s face at once and the twist ending where the Shovel Man turns out to have been Liam Neeson.

Shovel Man: “You came into my shop and stole a toothbrush…now I’m returning the favour!”

The only issue I have with the film is how Kevin is supposed to have been raised by his Uncle Frank (Michael Caine) but all he does is call him a “Little Jerk” and encourage his cousins to refer to Kevin as les incompetent. Perhaps he would not feel the need to crush thieves in vice rooms if he had been encourages more as a child. On the subject of vice rooms, I won’t spoil it for you but some of the traps really are very ingenious – standouts include the Alligator Conundrum, the Micro Machine filled acid vat and the return of Gold Saint Lord Cochrane.

Overall I give this a Gary Oldman out of  Gary Newman.

A word from the World Violence Federation

The World Violence Federation (WVF) is the premier name in semi-realistic sporting adventure. Where else can you find all the biggest names in modern wrestling, certainly not in the FFO (Fabulous Fighting Organisation)!  WVF also innovates with new types of match including the Passive Aggression Session and the Eight Man Hoe-down. If you aren’t familiar with the stars of WVF then prepare to become familiar with them by reading this vital information.

 

Name: Tremendous Barnfather

Special Attack: The Barnfather blast

Favourite match type: Needle under canvas match

Tremendous Barnfather is known for his tremendous girth as well as his tremendous abilities in the ring. His main technique is to crunch opponents beneath his mighty belly and then list all the things he had eaten that day. Even though he is getting on in years Barnfather remains a fan favourite thanks to his amazing showmanship and steadfast refusal to be anything less than morbidly obese.

Quote: “Prepare to be tarred and Barnfathered!”

 

Name: Kirk Manchuria

Special Attack: The Luton hypotenuse

Favourite match type: Sage in the Cage Match

Kirk Manchuria is a simple everyman who has raised himself to the pinnacle of professional faux athleticism through sheer determination and steroid consumption. He is one of the most famous faces in wrestling and has even made the leap into proper acting with films like “Don’t kill baby!” and “Homeboy gets the apples.” Despite all this he never forgets his roots and has spent several million dollars trying to get his hometown replaced with a dinosaur museum. As Kirk himself says “The biggest threat I face is getting a custom elbow to the groin but if those dinosaurs come back from under the sea then we’re all at threat. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge of the enemy and anti-dinosaur surface to air missiles.”

Quote: “I’m getting Kirk Manchurious with you!”

 

Name: Bernard Charleston 

Special Attack: The Charleston cross

Favourite match type: The four square – square off.

Bernard Charleston is a millionaire aristocrat from New Jersey who wrestles for the sheer pleasure of punching paupers in the nose. He is well renowned as a bad sport who cheats by having his butler pass him steel chairs while the referee has his back turned. Even worse he constantly feels the need to correct the grammar of the audience.  Despite all his money Bernard is often beaten by more popular/less solvent opponents which just goes to show that money can buy you immunity to the law but it can’t buy you immunity to pile drivers.

Quote: “Unless someone beats me a wrestling I’m going to buy an orphanage and then put it on top of a rocket headed straight for the sun.”

 

Name: Amazing Boy Terrence St’Claire

Special Attack: Reticulated elbow drop

Favourite match type: ROPE ZONE

For Terrence St’Claire it’s all about the ol’ razzle dazzle. Not only does he talk up a storm using phrases such as “Mind Boglins” he also dresses the part. It’s not many men that can get away with wearing a sequinned cowboy hat or a coat made of peacocks but Terrence carries it off with aplomb.

As Terrence himself says “When you’ve got a fist the size of a Christian Ham you can wear whatever the Mind Boglins you want.”

Quote: “What are your options when Terrencemania is keeping an eye out for you?”

 

Name:  Jean Pierre “The Parfait” Depardieu

Special Attack: The Eiffel shower

Favourite match type: Canvasser match

Jean Pierre is your typical Frenchman who thinks nothing of sporting a beret in the ring he has even been known to gulp down slices of brie between rounds. To emphasise his Frenchness he always enters the ring on a bicycle accompanied by Oxygene. His dark secret is that he is actually the son of a Texan oil baron who decided to convert to being French after eating a delicious baguette in Café Rouge. Its lucky he didn’t go for the buffet king because this paragraph would have been far more racist.

Quote: “Je teme, du la pomp. Le Jean Reno la fillet du beouf!”

 

Name: Bill Curious

Special Attack: The Bill Curious hook

Favourite match type: Floating outrage match

Bill Curious is most famous for concealing his features underneath a mask and never revealing his true identity. Rumours abound that he is actually the long lost brother of Kirk Manchuria who was reported to have died in a sawing accident, other rumours abound that he is a man named William Curious with an unbearable face. Bill Curious sometimes takes part in tag team matches with his equally mysterious friend Alan Abanazer.

Quote: “Bill Curiousity killed the cat!”

 

Name: Magic Larry

Special Attack: The magic circle jerk

Favourite match type: Immigrant survival match.

Magic Larry is a kind of wizard who claims that he receives wrestling advice from the “other world.”  He has even been known to stop mid-match to invoke the help of dead Yorkshire men such as Seth Armstrong and Dickie Bird. Despite all his spiritual advantages Magic Larry has never won a match as he doesn’t have enough raw strength to press his advantage. Perhaps if he spent more time pumping iron and less time pumping books (for magical information) he would finally get a trophy. Despite this Magic Larry remains popular because he gives audience members messages from dead relatives during the fight.

Quote: “I have a message from your dead wife. She says she is happy now, but you need to have a talk at some point about why you pushed her down the stairs.”

 

Name: Cracker Jack

Special Attack: The Crack-hammer

Favourite match type: Alligator Classic

Cracker Jack is known as “The most mentally ill man in sports” and for good reason as he has been diagnosed by actual psychologists with at least twelve mental complaints ranging from manic-depression to sexual addiction.  This makes him an unpredictable character in the ring. His opponents never know if he is going to fight them or sleep with them and to be honest neither does he. Cracker Jack once had treatment for his ailments but his new character, “Sanity Jack”, proved so unpopular that wrestle bosses decided to hide all his medication.

Quote: “Groooooooooooooooooooo”

 

Name: Ian “Big Boss” Nevins

Special Attack: Disciplinary action

Favourite match type: Team building exercise match

Ian Nevins is the actual boss of the WVF. He spends most of his time managing the finances and arranging lucrative sponsorship deals but when the employees get rowdy he isn’t afraid to step into the ring and hand out P45’s made from pure pain. Ian has never lost a match but he did once suffer several broken ribs after Michael Jarrocks threw him off a balcony by way of resignation.

Quote: “I’m going to organise a business meeting between your face and my foot. The minutes will be taken by severe injuries.”

 

Name: Artex the Living Cockerel

Special Attack: Trine

Favourite match type: Surprise carnival match

Artex is a Voodoo king from New Orleans who calls on the strength of ten thousand cockerels during fights. Opponents often underestimate his abilities thinking that a Chicken is nothing compared to the power of human fists, they have clearly never seen a cock fight as Artex goes at them with all the fury of a fighting bird in its prime. Even without his poultry augmented strength Artex would be a force to be reckoned with given his propensity to wave his voodoo shaker unnervingly in the faces of opponents. 

Quote: “Don’t Cockerel out on me boy!”

 

Name: Ever Lovin’ Gareth Maguire

Special Attack: Horizontal body splash

Favourite match type: Mixed Doubles

Self styled ladies man Gareth Maguire things nothing of stopping a fight to pay compliments an attractive lady in the audience. Naturally they are repulsed as it is common knowledge that Gareth is not only married, but frequently punches his wife in the face in an attempt to make her more beautiful. This may not be politically correct but it is definitely the correct way for him to build up his muscles – as the saying goes “Punch wife in face = strength of mace”

Quote: “It’s your fault for making me angry!”

 

 

Name: “Wooden Beam” Archie Sykes

Special Attack: The Beam-face bonanza

Favourite match type: Timber mill fiasco

Archie Sykes always struggled to stand out from the crowd until the fateful day when he discovered a large wooden beam had separated itself from the rafters of his house. Rather than arrange for repairs with a reputable tradesmen Archie took up the beam as his visual trademark and left his structurally unsound abode to the whims of gravity. Technically splitting a man’s skull with a large piece of timber isn’t a wrestling move but whenever anyone brings this up they find themselves in the hospital with mysterious wood related injuries.

Quote: “Wood pun!”

 

Name: Major Assault

Special Attack: The Defcon dropshot

Favourite match type: Counterinsurgency classic

Major Assault is a Sergeant Major from the actual Army who uses the notoriety of professional violence to encourage children into joining the armed forces. The Major uses all the skills of a state sponsored killing machine to take down his opponents from advanced CQC techniques to ordering napalm strikes on his opponents. It is a little known fact that his name is actually Ralph Jones and he is named Major Assualt due to his love of Gundam Battle Assault.

Quote: “If only we had Hi-goggs in Nam, Charlie would be laughing on the other side of his face.”

Bobbins Review - Tinker, Tailor, Soldier and Spy

This film follows a spy called George Smiley who is called out of retirement for one last mission. His arch enemy George Frowny has taken over Shadow Moses Island and is threatening to start a nuclear war unless his demand is met. Hand over the body of John Hurt in twelve hours!

George Smiley doesn’t just have to deal with evil communists though, he also has to deal with the evil’s of his own personal life such as the fact that his wife is a w**re and also that his wife isn’t really his wife at all but a computer program designed by the patriots to control the flow of information. He had his suspicions about this before they were married but she assured him it was just cold feet, fission mailed. If you can’t trust your own wife who can you trust? Certainly not Macdonald Miller as it’s actually George Frowny in disguise (spoilers) in fact Geroge Smiley cannot really trust anyone because they are all keeping secrets from him. (Although they do eventually tell him the secrets in lengthy cut scenes, perhaps if they had told him straight away he might have got through the film a bit quicker.)

A lot of this film is just people in rooms saying things like “Who is the spy?” and “I am not the spy.” Come to think of it I could have probably solved who was the spy much quicker as proved below.

Bobbins is in a room with all the men.

Bobbins: (to man 1): Are you the spy!?

Man 1: No

Bobbins: (to man 2): Are you the spy!?

Man 2: No

Bobbins: (to man 3): Are you the spy!?

Man 3: Yes!

Bobbins: Ah ha!

Man 3: Kuwabara Kuwabara Kuwabara

Thankfully the whole film is saved by the bee bullet scene, I wont spoil it for you but suffice to say it involves a lot of bee bullets.

All in all I award this film a Decoy Octopus out of a Benedict Cumberbatch.

Bobbins Review - Land of Going Up Monkeys

Q. When is an ape ape?
A. When it is agape!

When I saw the trailer for “Rise of the planet of the apes.” I was literally “going ape” myself because it looked to be “monkeying around” with my expectations i.e. the expectations that it would not be a good film. More importantly I was not looking forward to all the “chimp” journalists making terrible monkey pun(cher)s in their reviews. Those journalists need to orang-utan and smell the coffee because the news is that those apes are running wild – ape (hog) wild!

Perhaps people would have better impressions of this film if they hadn’t given it such a cumbersome title feature dual “of the”s why didn’t they just go the whole chimp (hog) and call it “The official movie of the novelisation the film of the rise of the planet of the apes.” Or even just “Rise of the apes” or “Star Wars: Rise of the apes” as they have already stolen the font! Lucas fonts aren’t the only things that have been thieved by those unscrupulous simians. So far as I can tell they have also stole the plot of Playstation classic Ape Escape, whereby a super evil monkey is given intelligence by a scientist and proceeds to spread his intelligence to other monkeys who then travel back in time causing havoc. Of course there are subtle differences such as the monkey being made intelligent by genetic engineering instead of a hat with a siren on it, the fact that the monkeys cause havoc in America rather than back in time and the fact that instead of a scientist it is Harry Osborne out of Spiderman.  Or at least he say’s he’s Harry Osborne but without his liney hair style I don’t know what to think. Maybe he would be able to prove he was Harry Osborne by having a scene in the film where a snooty usher won’t let him into the hair salon to have lines drawn onto his head. Also instead of inventing pumpkin bombs he can just do them out of his wrists.

The point is that this monkey film features a lot of good acting from John Lithgow who plays the same man out of Bigfoot and the Henderson’s only instead of being perplexed by a Bigfoot he is perplexed by an ape. Also Andy Circus plays every monkey in the film which continues his long career of playing monkey’s in films. What I find suspicious is why that man is so good at pretending to be a monkey and also why they didn’t just get in a real monkey.

Thinking about it they probably didn’t get a real monkey because the film might give monkey ideas about rising up and having an ape related revolution, this still makes me suspicious of Andy Circuits though because he is so good at pretending to be a monkey he might actually just be a monkey wearing a mans face. The man’s face might be an actual face that the monkey ripped off in a fit of rage or it might be a rubber mask. You may be thinking that a rubber mask would be the less horrifying of those options BUT YOU ARE WRONG because it means that apes have already learned how to make rubber masks. How else would an ape have got hold of a mask? By stealing it from a joke shop? But why would a joke shop have a mask of a man’s face that could fit an ape!!??? What I’m trying to say is that the man that plays the monkey is actually a monkey pretending to be a man playing a monkey so that he can get  ideas about ape-uprising and steal film techniques so that the apes can make convincing anti-human propaganda films.

Overall I am going to give this film a Monkey Hero out of Monkey Magic but I would probably be willing to go up to a Super Monkey Ball if I was 100% sure that the lead actor wasn’t a super intelligent primate plotting to overthrow the world. Let me also say that if any sinister simians are reading this then they should be aware that I have completed all three ape escape games and I will stun club you back to the stone age if you try any of that “Chimpy Business” on my turf.

I have been playing Portal 2

Portal 2

It’s a good puzzle game where every time you solve a puzzle you get a funny quote. Sometimes the funny quotes are from Stephen Merchant. Everybody likes it. It isn’t very hard and you will probably not take very long to finish it. I read on Wikipedia that they were going to get Richard Ayyoade to be in it instead of Stephen Merchant and in my opinion that would have made it better. Perhaps they should have got Matt Berry to do the voice; he would have added “booming qualities”. As a puzzle game it has many successes but I wouldn’t say it was a puzz-tastic as Professor Layton or the Usborne Puzzle Castle book that my brother used to have. It also features many good storytelling elements in the traditional valve style of making cut scenes where you are still controlling the man so that you can’t skip them and instead of seeing what is happening all you do is see a shaking corridor. To be honest this game would probably have been easier if it was in the third person but then you would realise that you are actually playing as a woman and probably throw down the controller in disgust.

Overall I liked this game but due to the short running length I am going to hunt down the man what made it and smash his face in with a bat. It was not worth the £50 they tried to charge for it even though I only paid £22 because I waited until it had come down in price. I’m going to award it an internet meme out of portal. (With points deducted for the blatant flubber rip off and the fact that the last boss looks like the evil robot captain from Wall-E. Try getting your own idea's instead of stealing them from Disney!)

Apples for Homeboy

Homeboy is enjoying life when suddenly he is accosted by the Pritchard gang, of which Pritchard Alpha is the founder member.

Pritchard Alpha: “Homeboy where is apples?”

Homeboy: “Apples am not receiving. Why you are raising this issue?”

Pritchard Alpha: “Homeboy, I was already telling you. Release the apples to my care lest I strike you backwise. I have knowledge of apples and so do you!”

Homeboy: “Not remember!”
 
Pritchard Alpha: “Remember apples after the allotted time or in the future …. Negative circumstance!”

The Pritchard gang are advancing on Homeboy with looks of intent.

Homeboy: “Understand!”
 
Pritchard Alpha: “Yes understand!”

The Pritchard gang is leaving for now.

Homeboy: “Locate apples? Difficulty locates orange!”
 
Homeboy is entering emporium for Vegman Greg. It is selling off many good including radish at $60 per hectare.

Vegman Greg: “Salute Homeboy. Checking emotions?”

Homeboy: “Terrible news….where is the apples?”
 
Vegman Greg: “Worse news, man have Pomegranate!”

Homeboy: “Sigh, the world is bleak.”

Vegman: “Greg: Free banana?”

Homeboy: “Agreed.”

Homeboy moving + consumption of banana has commenced.

Homeboy: “Accurate banana, pending apples still problematic.”

Homeboy enters emporium for Fructose 955.

Fructose 955: “Challenge you Homeboy!”

Homeboy: “Challenge Fructose 955! Finding apple?”

Fructose 955: “Apple finding.”

Homeboy: “Celebration, transfer apple?”

Fructose 955:  “Transfer apple = $600”

Homeboy: “$600. A serious of difficulties arising. Accept lower amount?”

Fructose 955: “NEGATIVE”

Homeboy: “Dejected”

Fructose 955: “Dejected not appreciate.”

Homeboy: “Sigh, the world is bleak.”

Homeboy is leaving now. On the thoroughfare he begins his soliloquy.

Homeboy: “The fairness apple situation is highly questionable, for example Homeboy does not create apples but homeboy is expect create apples. Curses on apples plus also curses on Pritchard gang, most of all a slight on poor Homeboy! Ending the apple story even Homeboy is not winning regardless….”

Homeboy visiting saloon. Associate Garbo is present.

Garbo: “Explain it Homeboy.”
 
Homeboy: “Explain it badly.”

Garbo: “Cripes!”

Homeboy: “The situation with apples is incomprehensible and also dangerous.”

Garbo: “I grant the apples but will anyone else!?”

Homeboy: “Apple not occur, fund apple not occur. Shortly Homeboy not occur. Weep.”

Garbo: “Weep not required, observe by chance.”

Homeboy observes the local publications.

Local Publications: “Big speed test, rewards = apples.”

Homeboy: “Weep is required! Homeboy not do speed test!”

Garbo: “Lending my aid Homeboy! Homeboy will take measure of Garbo automobile. Presently a little knowledge is required for building of ROCKET CAR.”

Homeboy: “Rocket Car?”

Garbo: “ROCKET CAR!”

Homeboy: “Talk of rocket car, alternative talk sprocket car. This balloon is sinking fast.”

Garbo: “Sincerely these abilities are meagre but make attempts!”

Homeboy: “It begins.”

We are witnessing Homeboy and Garbo maintain the automobile into Rocket Car! This work is high standard! Presently the day of speed test arrives and it is Homeboy against the world! Homeboy is speed test amongst Fast Peter, Ben Quadinaros and Alpha Pritchard.

Alpha Pritchard: “Ironic rockets Peabody!”

Homeboy: “Less ironic than moronic you charlatan!”

Alpha Pritchard: “In any event scrumpy for breakfast!”

Homeboy: “Dislike.”

Garbo: “Lower it to the max.”

Lineman: “Prevent speed test…..numerical commence!”

The speed test is begin and it goes like follow –

1. Homeboy is winning
2. Homeboy is not winning
3. Homeboy is not winning
4. Homeboy is not winning
5. Homeboy is winning
6. Homeboy is winning
7. Ben Quadinaros is winning.
8. Homeboy is not winning
9. Homeboy is not winning
10. Homeboy is not winning
11. Alpha Pritchard decimated by collide with heavy lobster.
12. Homeboy wins.
 
Mayor: “The mayor present apples homeboy. Congrats LOL!”

Homeboy: “Homeboy maintain apples, reasoning that Alpha Pritchard has been decimated. Gratitude to Garbo.”

Garbo: “Gratitude to yourself Homeboy.”

Homegirl: “Hero is belonging.”

Homegirl and Homeboy are sharing intimate moment.

Homeboy: “Apples for all!”

Fin.

Today's Work - Serious Journalism

After three days of anarchy the Prime Minister has finally decided to make some tough decisions. He today revealed that prototype cyborg policemen from the future would be sent out to deal with troublemakers in a brutally efficient manner.

We were lucky enough to be able to interview police spokesman Inspector Tockenheim about these developments.

Us: So how do these cyborg policemen differ from your regular bobby on the beat?

Tockenheim:  Unlike a normal policeman a Cyborg policeman has a metal body giving him enhanced strength, speed and reflexes. And yes I mean Policeman not “policeperson” unfortunately Policewomen are unable to undergo the transformation into emotionless crime control robots because as we all know women are allergic to modern technology. It’s all right though; there are still plenty of jobs back at the office – making the robot tea!

Us: So they still drink tea then?

Tockneheim: Robot tea isn’t actually tea, its oil in a mug but we have being asked to refer to it as robot tea so that the cyborg policemen do not lose all semblance of humanity and go berserk.

Us: So how are these cyborg policemen going to stand up to rioters?

Tockenehim: The cyborg Policeman also have several new tricks to deploy against “Johnny Riots.” These include a baton made of lasers, impenetrable adamantium riot shields, sentient hand cuffs inhabited by the soul of their dead partner who was killed by rioters and proton cannons.

Us: Given the government’s previous reluctance to even deploy water cannons and rubber bullets isn’t it slightly extreme to now be arming officers with giant proton cannons?

Tockenheim: Some people might say that but those people probably live in fancy unrioting areas like Berwick or Luton. People are demanding results and nothing gets better results than reducing people to atoms with a high powered laser. If anything they should be thankful we aren’t using neutron cannons!

Us: Isn’t their a danger that these Cyborg Policemen may go mad with power and start killing everyone they deem unworthy, perhaps selecting a few to be “upgraded” and serve in their horrifying technocracy?

Tockenheim: I would be lying if I said this wasn’t the case. There is always an inherent danger in dealing with any kind of machine-man hybrid be it cyborg, android or robot with a man’s brain. We’ve all played rise of the robots! Its very important that these cyborg policemen don’t lose sight of their humanity which is why we have decided to re-home them in comfortable stark white cells and give them numbers instead of names to make them feel more special. If all else fails we have a race of genetically altered crab-men that are sure to put up some sort of fight.

Us: Is this anything like Robocop?

Tockenheim: No it’s nothing like Robocop.

Us: We’ve heard that the cyborg policemen will be enforcing the law in controversial new ways such as freezing criminals with arctic rays, crushing the legs of criminals with their large mechanical vice hands so that they are unable to run away and taunting rioters with demoralising slogans such as “Why don’t you try getting a job and then you could buy things instead of looting them.”. Don’t these methods contravene the human rights act?

Tockneheim: Technically a cyborg policeman is no longer human so they don’t believe in human rights. Although don’t tell them I said that they were no longer human because then they will probably go berserk and crush my legs with their vice hands. It’s not like people really care about human rights anyway. I personally have been sending people back to Aztec times with my patented Tocken-beam for years and I never get any complaints.

Us: Isn’t that because their were no human rights lawyers in Aztec times?

Tockenheim: No it’s because they were all immediately sacrificed to the great Toltec.

Us: Do law abiding citizens have anything to fear from this new technology.

Tockenheim: I would say NO. Law abiding people need not fear these new crime fighters in any way although I would qualify that by saying that when we were testing them they did kill quite a few tramps. Basically you should be ok but if you look a bit unkempt you might want to steer clear. Oh they don’t really get on with children either because we couldn’t get their camera eyes to focus on a large range of sizes. It’s not that they will attack children, just that they might not notice they exist and trample them. The same goes for midgets.

Us: Don’t you think most people would be more comfortable with a friendly local bobby than an emotionless army of steel automaton?

Tockenheim: We have already taken these concerns into consideration. That is why are policemen are programmed to whistle cheerfully as they mercilessly smash in the heads of wrong doers. In many ways it’s a return to the good old days when Dixon of Dock green was able to beat people’s children for stealing sweets without being put on some sort of list. In those days the only register they had for policemen was a register of excellent prevention of crimes.

Us: Thank you for answering our questions inspector, do you have a message you want to pass on to the public regarding the current problems?

Tockenheim: Yes. I’d just like to let everyone know that crime doesn’t pay. Unless it’s some sort of embezzlement crime that is too complicated to understand in which case you might get away with it but then who are you really hurting apart from big corporations that can afford it. Perhaps people wouldn’t embezzle so much if the heads would stop avoiding taxes and pay their dues to society. Did you know that with what the head of Arcadia avoids in taxes I could have bought a sheriffs badge made of palladium. Also if you are thinking of committing a crime then I’d probably do it before these robot things come out because I’ve seen them in action and they really don’t mess about.  I mean seriously I saw one punch a guy so hard that he reproduced asexually.


Later on we were able to have a quick word with one of the ringleaders as he threw biros at innocent bystanders. He requested his name be withheld from publication, but “we don’t protect no riot-men” (His name was Harold Crimes)

Us: Can you tell us why you are engaging in all this violence and destruction? Wouldn’t you prefer to have all the thrills of obeying the law?

Harold Crimes: Well obviously I can speak for everyone involved in these riots as we are after all a cohesive movement. What these riots are mainly about is that looting stuff is really good.

Us: In what way is looting stuff “really good” for example in comparison with not looting stuff?

Harold Crimes: Well you know things?

Us: Items for example?

Harold crimes: Yes things and items. Well normally if I want things I have to go in a shop and buy them but when I’m looting stuff all I have to do is take the things I want. It’s a lot more convenient because you never get a queue and you don’t have to do that awkward bit of small talk with the cashier. I always wonder if their talking to me because they want to or just because they have been told to by the boss. I swear to god I once saw a list of questions to ask customers behind the till at Next. It said things like “Are you going on holiday this year?” and “What’s your favourite kind of screwdriver?”. What has any of this got to do with buying clothes!? Also I really wanted to buy some batman pants but it was a girl on the till and I didn’t want her thinking I was some sort of pervert so I had to come back and loot them later on.

Us: What do you say to people who claim you are hurting innocent business and ruining people’s livelihoods?

Harold Crimes: Well they should have thought about the consequences before stocking the kinds of things in their shops that I like to loot.

Us: But what about the fires you have started? What does that have to do with feeling slightly awkward when buying superhero themed underwear?

Harold Crimes: To be honest I feel a bit bad about that. Me and my mate Colsey were playing with a lighter and we got a bit carried away. I think Colsey felt so guilty that he buried his lighter in the woods. Unfortunately he buried it under a pile of dry wood and that caused even more problems. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be held to account for that but he’s lived in a  tower block his whole life. What does he know about nature? He’d never even seen a tree before yesterday. How was he to know they were flammable?

Us: Finally can we just ask you about your response to the recently announced cyborg policemen?

Harold Crimes: They don’t really worry me. Confuser Gaz says he knows a bloke that can get a load of knock off bosun cannons and a couple of people on twitter are working on an EMP blast that will short out all their main cyber-functions. If all else fails we’ll just have to stop looting, which will be a shame.





After the time of writing we became aware that the Cyborg Policemen were actually just programmed to attack poor people and also that they weren't robots at all but just men holding baking trays. Oh David!

Today's Work - Kes 2: Reloaded

Downtrodden knave Billy Casper discovers hope for a better life when he become saquainted with the Peregrine Falcon he affectionately names Kes. (Even though Perry or Falco would have been more sensible names.) In showing of his new feathered friend Casper develops confidence in himself and builds a friendship with an English teacher who may or may not be a paedophile.  It becomes apparent to Billy that he may have a chance at a better life, something beyond the coal pits. However his youthful enthusiasm is crushed when his evil brother Judd kills Kes. This is just the beginning of the story.

 

Billy: Judd tha’s killed Kes an’ it dint do nowt to thee. Tha’s a reet get.

 

Judd: Shut that face our Billy. Tha dunt need Kestrels where tha’s go-in. Mebbes a canary tee hee.

 

Billy cradles the broken body of Kes .

 

Billy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Doctor Toriyama comes running from next door.

 

Toriyama: Billy, it may not be too late to save Kes.

 

Billy: Gnnn, Doctor Toriyama!

 

Troiyama: Quickly boy to my garage and underground research laboratory.

 

They rush off with Kes. Doctor Toriyama begins work immediately…

 

Toriyama: The spirit of Kes still burns brightly.

 

He connects two positronic connectors and flicks a large science switch

 

Toriyama: We can save her, improve her.

 

Close up of a heart monitor, it goes from flatline to feint peaks to a strong heartbeat.

 

Toriyama: From now on Billy Kes won’t just be your hope. She’ll be the world’s hope.

 

The bird’s talon twitches.

 

Toriyama: A bright hope for the future.

 

Kes extends and retracts new metallic wings.

 

Toriyama: Sky borne guardian of all our tomorrows.

 

Kes Squawks loudly.

 

Toriyama: A shining beacon, a symbol, arise Silver Robot Guardian Kezujin.

 

The new improved Kes flies out of the laboratory and spreads her wings. She has been transformed into a giant robot bird from the future.

 

Toriyama: As you can see Billy not only is Kes now a giant robot from the future, I have made her skin out of Toriyamium - a new alloy of my own invention which is virtually indestructible! And that’s not all…

 

SRG Kezujin lands next to them and a cockpit opens in the bird’s head.

 

Toriyama: Go on Billy give her a spin?

 

Billy: Eck mister, ah don’t know nowt bout fleeing robots.

 

Toriyama: Nonsense Billy, as Kezujin’s best friend you are the only one that CAN pilot her. Now go on…and don’t forget this.

 

Toriyama throws Billy a strange looking watch. When Billy presses the button he is instantly transformed into Burning Hero Casparian – the masked pilot of SRG Kezujin.

 

Billy: Ah feel reet strong wih this new gear on. Come on Kes, lets get on us way. I think you and are kid av some business to settle.

 

Billy jumps into SRG Kezujin and takes off at supersonic speeds. Its not long before they find Judd on his way home from t’betting shop.

 

Billy: There ee is Kez, now it ‘im wit’ Keztrel Beam Cannon.

 

SRG Kezujin opens her robotic beak and begins to fire a powerful lazer cannon.

 

Judd: By eck, its our kid and ee’s got a giant flamin’ robot!

 

Judd is vaporized by the powerful robot bird.

 

Meanwhile on Mars. In the court of King Craven, the evil Martian despot.

 

King Craven: Finally my army of giant monsters is complete. Those foolish earthmen won’t know what hit them. General Sil-var are our battle plans ready?

 

Sil-var: Yes sire we have located the greatest source of coal on earth, the mines of Barnsley. Once we have all those fossil fuels to power our machines our army will be unstoppable.

 

King Craven: Excellent, I will send down one of my best giant monsters to conquer it.

 

Sil-var: Sire I thought we might send all the giant monsters at once, then there is no chance of us losing.

 

King Craven: Nonsense! I’m not made of giant monsters Sil-Var and anyway those puny earthlings have yet to develop the giant robot technology required to defeat my giant monsters.

 

Sil-Var: Very well sire I will dispatch Nava-rosa the Moon Goon at once.

 

The Moon Goon is dispatched to Earth where he sets about attacking the Hoyland open cast mines.

 

Nava Rosa: Hoo haa hoo ha you puny humans will soon be “moon bliterated” by my lunar laser.

 

Chief Miner Trev: Blimey! That big get’s gunna take darn t’mines  an then where we gunna work?

 

Assistant Miner Grenville: Ah dunt know, ave done mining since a left school! I aint got no other skills.

 

Nava Rosa: You weak Earth men should have tried harder at school, maybe you could have got cushy office jobs. Now the only job you are going to get is a “crushy” job under the sole of my moon boot!

 

Chief Miner Trev: Eck!

 

Just as Nava Rosa is about to tread on the miners SRG  Kezujin flies into the monster and knocks him over.

 

Billy: Oy Moon man, why dunt tha pick on sumbde yer own size!

 

Nava Rosa: What!? No one knocks over Nava Rosa the Moon Goon, prepare to feel the might of my lunar laser.

 

Nava Rosa shoots his Lunar Laser but it bounces harmlessly of the Toriaymium armour plating.

 

Billy: That cant get a dint in this cocker! Come on Kes let’s give im what for…. GEE IT DRILL BEAK ATTACK LIKE.

 

SRG Kezuijin uses its powerful drill beak attack to fly straight through Nava Rosa the Moon Goon causing it to implode due to Moon-gravity.

 

Nava- Rosa: Cripes!

 

Billy: Theer tha gus! That’s what ‘appens when that tries to feight wi’ me an Kes!

 

Meanwhile on Mars.

 

KIing Craven:  Curse that Billy Casper! He might have won this time but no one can stand up against the might of the Martian army not even a giant robot bird from the future.

 

To be continued……

I have been playing several House of the Dead games.

Q. What do you cal a light gun game where you have to shoot the cast of cheers?
A. The House of the Ted! (Danson)

Las week I had a bit of a House of the Dead bonanza as I bought House of the Dead: Overkill and House of the Dead 2 + 3 Returns. From now on I will be typing HOD instead of House of the Dead because it’s quicker and acts as subliminal advertising for my hilarious SImpsons knock off “The Whack-taculour world of Gomer Jumpson.”

Gomer Jumpson: “Greetings men, don’t forget annual picnic day.”

Moger Jumpson: “I’m helping myself to the grog.”

Bizmar Jumpson: “I will be making problems.”

Gomer Jumpson: “Hod! What terrible men.”

Dr Mufasa McEnroe: “I can fix these men.”

Gomer Jumpson: “Press the button?”

Dr Mufasa McEnroe: “This is not the way to get healthy!”

What I learned is that the old HOD games are miserly, cantankerous old sinners, designed purely with the intention of you dying a lot and putting more pound coins into the slot. That is why the old HOD games feature zombie midgets that throw knives at you and apathetic voice acting. Even I could have put more emotions into saying “My God” and I’m a robot from the future. (But not so far in the future that robots have emotions.) Overall these HOD-bominations can only be awarded a “Don’t Come” out of a giant zombie sloth with a man’s face.

Overkill however is a totally different kettle of fish, because the fish are still alive instead if being killed by unfairly quick zombies. Also they aren’t fish at all they are a delicious cup of faux blacksploitation tea. Tea is a more sensible thing to put in a kettle. (Unless it is a fish kettle) That is because Overkill ditches the apathetic dialogue of the earlier games and replaces it with a man who uses a lot of bad language, it also replaces being impossibly difficult with being rather easy! But before people start complaining about it being a “cake walk” they might like to know that the challenge lies in getting a high cake combo rather than finishing the cake. It’s also worth noting that the draft board was quite happy to play through this game with me but when I tried to make her play Lego Star Wars she got annoyed because she couldn’t get to the top of the Jawa Sand Crawler.

Therefore I can happily award HOD Overkill a doting sister out of a crippled brother.

Today's work - Tech Wizard 4

Tech Wizard 4: Tech Wizardry Unleashed

Now you are learning be true Tech Wizard just like hero Lance Actraiser. Utilise skills authentic to experience of Tech Wizadry. Authentic skills are including –
* Tech Wizard Large Shove
* Tech Wizard Galvanic Currency
* Tech Wizard lumi-stave (Include many colour Lumi-stave battle. Hand eye coordination on 1-1 basis)
* Tech Wizard not see asphyxiate

No only including this abilities but moreover many famous Tech Wizard moments. For example famous battle against ice giants. Be pulling over the ice giants with supreme confidence! Also perform battle with Shadow Caliban. Famous quote!

Shadow Caliban: “Uncle is me!”

Lance Actraiser: “Don’t!”


Tech Wizard is playable but also other not tech wizard to complete. Play as many experiences. Fenix Gambledor pilot Centurion Boat with help of colleague Momo.
Fenix is helping explode imperial custom battle station but he is also helping get himself some treasure!

Fenix Gambledor: “Give me item!”

Queen Anastasia: “Item not get!”

Fenix Gambledor: “What the issue?”

Momo: “Rog!”

Further example –

Fenix Gambledor: “I’m attacking your nose!”

Roy Winterocks: “He’s attacking my nose!”

Further example –

Dural: “I suspect bad chances!”

Fenix Gambledor: “Don’t locate those numbers!”

Momo: “Rog!”

Even more impressive experience life of Super Jetman. Super Jetman is one that all fans can enjoy. He is enemy of Fenix Gambledor, use Jetskills to imprison and return to Rathamon. Rathamon offers cast spell of living stone on family of Super Jetman. Double excitement. Rupert Jetman, protégé of Super Jetman  as seen Tech Wizard 2: 1000 brother with equal faces, also available.

Super Jetman: “John Woo has arrived.”

Rupert Jetman: “Let’s be away!”

In fact this is not the end. Hidden mysteries of many playable experience from Tech Wizard 1: The Troublesome Geist. Everyone favourite this. Be aware of Shadow Caliban before he embark on villainy path. Shadow Caliban is romance with Nathanial Docks the boss of Naboo.
Also Shadow Caliban is original designate Balrog Actraiser! He is working under Zionist oppression until set loose by Tech Wizard Leroy and Tech Wizard Nolan. Much despair when they are fighting Shadow Oberon. He is using twin-lumi stave to devastating effect. It concludes that Tech Wizard Leroy is done for! Tech Wizard Nolan gets the decisive victory but at what cost!?

Shadow Oberon: “Soon I will expose myself!”

Tyrone: “Agree!”

Continue the narrative in Tech Wizard 3:The Spiteful Men. Balrog Actraiser is still having romance, but now he has advanced in years. New villains to follow when Shadow Dinosaur is made available. Balrog ends up losing his hand but more is lost by Rupert Jetman! (Tech Wizard Boston Cog is removing his head!) Balrog is eventually doing the wrong path and become Shadow Caliban.There is more to the story but everybody knows THAT story!

Furone B: “I imagined Not fight!”

Shadow Caliban: “Fight!”

Please look forward to purchase Tech Wizard 4: Tech Wizadry Unleashed. Occuring in timely fashion at neighbourhood convenience!

Impatient fans, provide currency previous to arrival and receiving bonus feature.

Bonus experience – activate extra episodes of adventure. Rescue Fenix Gambledor form Rathamon’s castle or else he will be serviced to the grand hole.

I have been playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

My quote for the box of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed would be “If this is the force unleashed then I think someone should put a leash on the force pretty quickly before it gets sent to the force pound. (And then put down for being a dangerous force-dog.)” George Lucas did not put this quote on the box because I only thought of it today which means that he would have to invent time travel to put it on the box and even people in Star Wars can’t do time travel. This isn’t Star Trek you know! Also George Lucas knows a lot about marketing so he probably wouldn’t put a quote on the box that would make people think the Force Unleashed was a bad game. He would have to be “the force unhinged” to do a thing like that. He would put on quotes from magazines that said things like “I like the bit with the Lightsabers” and “You get to be Darth Vader.”

The irony being that I bought an unboxed copy of the Force Unleashed from my local Blockbuster so even if George Lucas did invent time travel I would be the last man to know about it. (And probably even after he invented it he would keep bringing out new versions of time travel with better graphics and instead of Han Solo shooting a man he goes inside a fridge. Eh readers!?)

Anyway I played the Force Unleashed for a bit and it turns out it is rubbish and it also turns out that I am still sick of doing 3D combat. This was the Wii version so instead of pressing X button I was waving my hands about in order to thwack enemies with melee weapon. To be fair the Force Unleashed has new ideas about 3D combat such as instead of having a “rage” bar you have a force bar that lets you throw barrels around, but you don’t really need to throw barrels around because you can just throw the actual people around or even better you can just run up to them and hit them with your lightsaber lots of times. Yet another in a long line of games where you are given a lot of abilities but are given no reason to use them because all you have to do is hit people with your weapon over….and over…and over.

Having only played the first couple of levels before taking it back to the shop and pretending it was broken I can’t say if this game features a giant mashy hands boss – but it probably does. It certainly contains the second most common boss in all games which is the dashy sword man. Dashy sword men are bosses who are the same size as you and they dash about doing long sword combo’s that knock you over. The way to defeat them is to kind of sidestep out of the way at the last minute and then hit them in the back while they continue the dashy sword combo.  Sometimes he will do a teleport- dashy sword comb which will make him even more irritating but you can always win in the end by tediously dodging and hitting him once in the back before running away.

A lot of people seem to dislike this game because of all the stupid Star Wars things like how the main character is actually Bib Fortuna’s son or the bit where Darth Vader does a little dance. Those people are stupid though because even if this game had nothing to do with Star Wars and was called Tech Wizard 5: Tech wizardry Unleashed it would still be a very boring game that squanders the rich Tech Wizard license. Where is my Frenix Gambledor simulator?!

Overall I’m going to award the Force Unleashed a lowly Plo Koon out of a Kit Fisto and it’s only getting that because the shop didn’t have another copy so they let me swap it for Resident Evil 6.

The App-sideration bonanza - featuring a play about hills.

After another unwarranted pay rise at the taxpayer’s expense. (Thanks ladies and gents of the North, keep reaching for that rainbow.)  I decided to invest in an “I Telephone Device” as I had heard that they can do all sorts of wonderful things. It turns out what they can actually do is sell you ropey flash games for 69p each. You might not think 69p is a lot of money but if you saved up all the 69p’s you would eventually have enough pennies to fill a sack with that you could use to someone over the head.

Of course not everyone owns a sack so here are my reviews so far.

Street Fighter IV:
Imagine if Street Fighter looked like Killer Instinct and you could only control it by hitting the joy pad with a broom. This is the experience of playing Street Fighter on the Iphone only instead of a broom you are using fingers and the touch screen doesn’t work properly. (Unless you have broom fingers)

Overall I give it a Mark of Dignity but not necessarily one that would scar thy DNA.

Cut the Rope

This game involves “cutting ropes” however it also involves rubbish bits where you have to razz a balloon. Notice how this game isn’t called “Razz the balloon” because the bits where you have to do that are irritating and no one would buy it. Personally I think it should have been called “F33d t2e Monst3R” because then Vin Diesel could have played the monster and instead of eating sweets he would have stolen a car full of sweets. Then the trailer would have been the rock saying “Don’t let them get near a car full of sweets” even though that’s exactly what had happened. Maybe people should pay more attention to what the rock says or they could end up like the man from the end of the Scorpion King. (Wrestled to death by a man wearing a loin cloth)

Overall this game gets a People’s Elbow out of rope.
 

Tiny Wings

Tiny Wings is a game about causing a bird to fly by throwing it down hills. My brother once threw a dog down some stairs but I don’t know if he intended it to fly. Either way this game is irresponsible both in it’s depiction of birds and how it implies that all hills are curvy. I for one have seen many jagged hills and this problem is not addressed in the game. That is why I have put together a small play about the dangers of hills.

The Hilling Joke

Scene 1: Matthew is sitting at a desk

Matthew: Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me, everyone tells me what to do…

Teacher: Get that work done boy or it’s a bleak tomorrow.

Parent: You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t put your ear to the grinder.

Friend: Everybody else is doing it; you don’t want to be Johnny Bagshaw.

Matthew: But all I really care about is…hills. I think about them all the time, sometimes I worry that it’s not natural. Barry Burns says that thinking about Hills turns you gay. But I just love them so much.

A knock at the door. Matthew gets up to answer it.

Matthew: Who are you!?

Stranger: I’m Richard Hill-man and I’m here to tell you the facts about hills!

Matthew: Mister, I’m worried that I’m spending too much time thinking about hills, do you think I’m abnormal?

Richard Hill-man: Of course not Matthew, it’s just a natural part of growing up. You’ll probably grow out of it eventually just remember to stay safe in the mean time.

Matthew: Safe? But Hills aren’t dangerous are they mister?

Richard Hill-Man: For the most part Hills are harmless but theirs always a bad apple waiting to spoil everybody’s hill related fun. Why any hill could have spikes at the bottom or even a troll living in it. Then the hills really would have eyes.

Matthew: Gosh Mister! I don’t think I could stand to go near a hill again what with all the risks involved.

Richard Hill-Man: Wo! Don’t be so hasty. We can all enjoy hills so long as we remember the seven steps of safe hill enjoyment.

1. ALWAYS wear stout hill boots or Gum shoes accredited by the National Hill Association. You can check what brands are endorsed by the NHA at NHA.com or just check the box for the golden hill of quality.

2. Ideally you should always visit a hill with a friend but if your friends have no interest in hills you should at least let someone know which hill you are visiting in case you get in trouble.

3. NEVER attempt to tumble down a hill.

4. NEVER get into the car of a stranger who offers to take you to see a new hill.

5. NEVER attempt to take a sample of the hill home with you. We all enjoy hills but if everyone tried to take the hills home with them there wouldn’t be any hills left to enjoy. Even worse a hill kept in captivity can easily turn evil out of boredom.

6. ALWAYS remember to bring your anti-troll dousing rod with you. It is rare that a hill will be inhabited by a troll in this day and age but you can never be too careful. A good dousing rod will cost you under £20 and you can’t put a price on safety.

7. NEVER point a hill at another person or animal.

Matthew: Wowsers, thanks Mister. Now I feel clued up on hills.

Richard Hill-Man: That’s right Matthew. Hills are cool but Hill safety is even cooler.

Matthew: Radical!


Fin

For these reasons I’m giving Tiny Wings a Hill out of Hillary Banks.



Cut Him Up!

I thought this might be a sequel to Cut the Rope. Actually I didn’t think that at all I just said it as a hilarious joke. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a prequel to Cut the Rope! The main differences between this and Cut the Rope is that instead of cutting the rope it is a scrolling beat-em-up with madworld type graphics. i.e all in black and white except the blood. Does this make the game look more stylish or does it make the game look like the man that made it couldn’t be bothered to do any colouring in? It’s a pretty rubbish game so I would say it’s the second thing, Not only did I manage to finish this game in an afternoon I also managed to make my man walk up a wall and witness that there were only  three different enemies. The only thing getting cut up in this game is my wallet and maybe the man that made it because I am going to find him and cut him up to get my 69p back. (presuming that he swallows all the money he earns.)

This game is more Up! Than Cut up classic so its only getting 7 surgeons out of a last boss who looks a bit like Bane.


Streets of Rage

Streets of Rage 2 is the best streets of Rage but it also costs £2 (£1.99) whereas the original is a paltry 69p. If only I had remembered that the original is awful I would probably retain that 69p alas it has been wasted on a game where Blaze wears a coat and moving with any precision is impossible. Even Cut Him Up! Had better controls than this and as previously established that game was utter bobbins. Even the music on the original Streets of Rage is annoying. The whole experience made me want to cry.

For these reasons I’m giving Streets of Rage a Skate out of Adam.


Robot Unicorn Attack

Already an internet meme but no less excellent for it. Keep chasing those dreams Mr Unicorn.

(In the interests of fairness I should mention that I have always had a soft spot for Unicorns as I too have a mysterious horn sticking out of my forehead. The doctor identified it as “Mysterious mass of bone.” Thanks medical science!)

10/10


Hunters ep.1

Essentially Space Crusade for the iPhone. Stupidly addictive and when you kill people they make a satisfying “graak” noise. May or may not be related to Hunter: the Reckoning.

I give it a hunt out of hunt.

I have been playing Warriors Orochi

Oda Nobugana appears to be a sort of Japanese version of Rasputin. That is to say an actual bearded historical figure who is constantly defamed in popular media by being cast as a villain and /or the actual devil.  I say “appears to be” because my entire knowledge of east-asian history comes from scan reading a copy of  “Orientialism”  for a book review eight years ago.

Most of that book review was just this hilarious joke anyway
Man 1:“Edward Said”
Man 2:  “What did he say”
Man 1: “No Edward Said!”
Man 2: “ I know he said something but WHAT did he say?”
Man 1: “Why I oughta, you’re richer than the Coney Island special and that’s twice I’ve said that!”
Man 2: “That’s easy for you to say wise guy!”
Man 1: “Yaeh but whatta it mean to me?”
Man 2: “Whatta-ever you want! Homana homana homana!”
Man 1: “So James Watt”
Man 2: “I don’t know what and don’t call me James!”

The point is that I got a 2:1 for that review despite only looking at the pictures in the book, the other point is that I have spent the week playing Warriors Orochi  as Nobunaga. From this I learned that Nobunaga likes hitting men with a giant glowing sword and also that I’m glad the tuition at Sheffield University is so Eurocentric because all people in the east ever did was hit men with swords over and over again. He also liked to say “Its just that simple” but try asking him what he meant and you were likely to find yourself hit with his sword, just another number in the calculator of history!

It wouldn’t be so bad if when you hit the men they made a satisfying noise like “grghh” or “arghh” but all that happens is you kind of wave your weapons at them until they fall over like a fly slowly succumbing to the effects of Raid. Devil Kings is much better because at least you have more than three attacks but then fans of Asian history are probably going to go for Warriors Orochi because it has all the official names whereas in Devil Kings Nobunaga is just called “Devil King”  and Nobunaga’s cousin is called “Eyepatch man”.  This is a bit like how EA have all the proper teams in Fifa kicking wheras Konami have to have “Brian Priggs” and “Wazza”. Maybe they should team up with Koei and have Nobunaga as team captain? He would certainly “score” (hit) “some goals” (some men)! Then he would go to the restaurant called Nobu and kill everyone there so he could change the name to Nobu – Nobunaga edition.

Overall I award Warriors Orochi a Nobunaga’s Ambition out of fatal Fury: Wild Ambition.

I have been playing Ghost Rider.

I have no recollection of buying Ghost Rider for the PS2. This is definitely for the best because it means that it probably didn’t cost very much and it also means that I have blanked out any abuse that might have been directed at me by the staff when I bought it.  It’s a terrible game so at the very least I would have expected them to say “Here’s your game Chain-boy agnew” or “Don’t bring this back and pretend it’s broken, we have many copies GARGOYLE FACE.” If I could remember where I had bought it from I would fling the disc at high speed into the faces of those staff members. Sadly I am stuck with it and the memories of killing a thousand gargoyles with a chain.

If you really hate Gargoyles you will probably like this game because you get to kill so many of them or you might dislike it because of the appearance of gargoyles at all. It all depends on how tolerant you are of gargoyles. It’s not all Gargoyle slaying though! It’s actually only 95% gargoyle slaying because you also fight clowns, zombies with poles and a genetically altered shark monster.
There are also motorbike sections where you have to avoid big gaps in the road while whipping gargoyles riding garg-bikes. These sections are a little big like Road Rash but instead of being on the megadrive they feature gargoyles.

You might think that with all this gargoyle talk the last boss would be a giant gargoyle. (And it is) Like all giant bosses the gargoyle will stand next to a small platform and then try to slowly smash you with his hands. By dodging out of the way at the last minute you will be able to punch him on the hand. I am fed up of punching things in the hands on games, especially as if you were hurt by a small thing in real life i.e a wasp you would quickly withdraw your hand – not leave it there for a long time and you certainly wouldn’t put your face near the wasp.

Despite all this Ghostrider is strangely satisfying because it’s like playing Devil May Cry but instead of it being hard its very easy, also instead of cutscenes there is an amazing drawing of the caretaker from the film. Whenever you purchase an upgrade he says “Enjoy” in a cowboy voice and then you think that they probably couldn’t afford to pay anyone else from the film to be in it because there isn’t even a picture of Nicholas Cage. His face is literally ‘off’ the game eh readers!?? It also features a bit where you chase a vampire riding a big Jet Ski (he is riding the Jet Ski, you are riding your bike which has the power of driving on rivers.)  The vampire also has a bit of a gargoyle face, but this game has you seeing gargoyles where there aren’t any.

Other good features of the game include
- A special resident evil style lab where sharks are made into shark-men. Witness the horror of a shark strapped to a table!
- The special attack where Ghost Rider screeches “Look into my eyes” (Yes fans I know this is his Penance Stare)
- A graveyard where zombies wink into existence with a flash of orange light.
- Unicycles
- Gargoyles
- Unlock classic Ghost Rider comics including rise of the midnight sons which haven’t been put out as a trade paperback yet because Marvel hates Morbius. Where is my Morbius collection marvel!?
- Be unable to read the comics due to it being on a television.

Overall I would give Ghost rider a well deserved “own this curse” out of gargoyle.

I have been playing Assasin's Creed II

Uncle  Bisoft had an idea for a game where you had to punch a super Pope in the face until he dropped his pope-stick. The name of this game would be “Dynamic man Pontiff Puncher” and it was conceived as a spiritual sequel to Monkey Puncher only instead of Monkey’s it featured Super Popes. Studio heads liked the idea but the game soon found itself in development hell. (It was sent there by the Pope because punching popes in the face is blasphemous.) Dynamic Man Pontiff Puncher will probably never be released. Assassins’ Creed II was released ages ago and has a sequel, proof that Super Popes do indeed move in mysterious ways.

I’ve probably given the impression that Assassin’s Creed II is mostly about slapping around religious leaders, in reality this makes up at most 5% of the game. You spend the rest of the game wandering around Romeo and Juliet times wondering why anyone thought that adding an open world to Prince of Persia and then filling it with conspiracy theories would be a good idea. Uncle Bisoft says it’s because people don’t really like Italians so it’s easier to sympathise with the main character if he is actually the memories of a man called Desmond. He also says people don’t really like the olden days so it’s better to put in futuristic things like computers, Stargate style god-aliens and Danny Wallace. Perhaps the biggest conspiracy of all is how Danny Wallace manages to have a career because my DW career chart makes no sense.

The real question is “Why don’t any of my friends write a book about betting me they can find lots of people with the same name as them so that I can become successful and appear in Ubisoft games with the electric woman from Heroes?”  I asked Uncle Bisoft about this and he says that it’s because my friends all have unusual names. This is a lie as we both know I have no friends.

Wallace aside it’s important to note that Assassin’s Creed II would probably have been better if they just actually set it in Italy and the plot was that you had to solve a political conspiracy that doesn’t involve magic apples. Most game plots are stupid but very rarely does a game work so hard do bury a fairly original setting under nonsense. I suggested to Uncle Bisoft that he had shot himself in the foot because eventually they would have to finish the story off with an Assassin’s Creed game set in Desmond times which nobody would buy. He shrugged his shoulders and said that if they can make people think Ezio was a likeable character then they can probably make anyone buy anything.

List of likeable attributes about Ezio

* Punches figureheads of major religions.
* Sleeps with prostitutes.
* Hugs people and then stabs them in the stomach with secret knife.
* Didn’t hug Leonardo Da’Vinci when he put his arms out for a cuddle. (Because it was a cut QTE during a cut scene and I had put the pad down to drink some apple juice.)
* Belongs to a secret order that influence events by killing heads of state.
* Runs along people’s rooftops destroying their hard earned masonry.

Likeable main character aside Assassin’s Creed II has problems, the main problem is that all the missions are boring and a lot of them involve following people very slowly so that you can fail to assassinate them until a later mission. They also involve giving you weapons and abilities that you never need to use because all you have to do is keep pressing X until you stab everyone. I took the opportunity to ask Uncle Bisoft how having a giant metal gauntlet with a knife that pops out on a spring is any different to just owning a knife and keeping it in your pocket – he declined to answer.

Overall I award Assasin’s Creed II a lowly Desmond Miles out of a Miles Prowler.

Today's Work - Tockenheim #10

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries –Tockenheim winds it up.

 

Renowned science-monger Thorwald Octavian conducting experiments into the nature of clocks. It seems like he might be on the verge of another cog related break through but things are about to go from “Clockwork Knight” to Block-Turk Fright!

 

Octavian: The power of a cog in my hands!

 

Science assistant Mordo: Octavian you’ve gone too far! The power of these cogs is too much, you’re going to cause a terrible gear reaction.

 

Octavian: Nonsense Mordo. Cog is a form of power and controlling power is what I do best!

 

Mordo: You need to stop this NOW!

 

He goes to grab the cog-ponents and a fight breaks out. Octavian accidentally pushes Mordo into a giant pendulum which causes all the gears to fizz and whirr in an unnatural fashion.

 

Octavian: My machines! My beautiful machines!

 

The cogs begin to emit a cloud of purple smoke which Octavian runs into.

 

Octavian: Nooooooo!

 

Mordo: Don’t be a fool Octavian!

 

There is a bright flash and the smoke clears – however there is no sign of Octavian. The stone science guard statues are activated.

 

Science Guard Altor: Disturbance detected. Please explain human.

 

Mordo: I can’t explain it. Thorwald Octavian has……..disappeared.

 

 

Science Guard Altor: Situation too complex for my limestone brain to compute. I must call for backup.

 

Using his slate powered wi-fi signal Altor sends out an SOS call to Inspector Tockenheim. It’s not long before the great man himself is at the scene using his patented Tock-Gate – space time transportation portal generator. Following behind is the ever useless Constable Cogsworthy.

 

Cogsworthy: Blimey Inspector. It looks a right mess. I thought this was a place of Science not a place of ruckus.

 

Tockenheim: It’s clear that some unusual events have taken place Constable. I already got the facts from the reliable stone guardian. A leading Science-monger has gone missing, maybe even the greatest mind of the age. Thorwold Octavian, creator of the gear powered loom.

 

Cogsworthy: Zounds! If a brain box like that can get himself absconded what hope do the rest of us have?

 

Tockenheim: I’ve always said that you had no hope anyway Cogsworthy. As for the good doctor I believe I have already deduced his location.

 

Mordo: Then please inspector, tell us where he is!?

 

Tockenheim: I thought a man of your science credentials might have already guessed. I’m disappointed with you Mordo. You see Octavian has accidentally been transported to the world inside of his clocks known as the “Cog world”.

 

Mordo: I must protest Tockenheim. Everyone knows that you can’t go inside clocks, you would just get ground up by the gears or get yourself hit on the head with pendulums.

 

Tockenehim: Oh really? Have you never thought about the transfer of minutes inside the clock? They travel through the gears as if down a coggy pathway. What might those minutes look like? Cars? Bikes? People!? The Cog World does exist and what’s more we are going to have to visit the cog world in order to rescue Octavian.

 

Mordo: But how? Octavian got their by accident. It would take years to replicate the experiment…

 

Tockenheim: Maybe so. But by tracking the gear energy with my illuminati pendantI can use my patented Tock-Gate – space time transportation portal generator to send us to the cog-world and even more importantly get us back out!

 

He activates the portal to the cog world and suddenly they find themselves in a strange clockwork landscape surrounded by men in sprocket suits.

 

Gog: More intruders! Quickly capture them!

 

The sprocket men advance on Tockenheim and company However they do not reckon on the power of the illuminati pendant which Tockenheim uses to fire out many Tocken-beams. The beams send anything they hit back to Aztec times and soon all but one of the sprocket men find themselves on top of blocky pyramids.

 

Sprocket Man Zeb: Please spare me, I’ll do anything you want

 

Tockenheim: Tell us where you took Thorwald Octavian and quick about it lest you find yourself in ziggurat times!

 

Zeb: We took him to the great citadel of our master The all powerful Hans!

 

He points to a faraway spire - indicating the location of the citadel

 

Meanwhile in the citadel of Master Hans, Octavian is being shouted at in an uncalled for manner

 

Hans: Tell us how you got into the cog world!

 

Octavian: It was an accident I don’t know….. I swear…….

 

Hans: Lies! That would be like coming through a door and then not remembering the door. 

 

Octavian: Sometimes I don’t remember doors, I’m a busy man.

 

Hans: You expect me to believe that!? If you don’t talk soon I’ll have your head on a cog!

 

Suddenly Tockenheim rides in on a stolen cog-cycle

 

Tockenheim: I don’t think so Hans! Release that man now or feel the fury of Cortez!

 

Hans: Your Tocken Beams don’t frighten me Tockenheim or should I say BIG BROTHER?

 

Cogsworthy: What does he mean by that Inspector?

 

Hans: You mean you never told them? Are you ashamed of me?

 

Tockenheim: I’m ashamed of any man that would inflict such violence of a coggy world! You might have been my brother once but now you are just a gear in the machine of evil.

 

Cogsworthy: Brother!??

 

Hans: That’s right! I am Hans Tickenheim the brother of the great Inspector Tockenheim and also the master of the stonemason pendulum. I bet you never expected to find me here, eh brother?

 

Tockenheim: That’s where you’re wrong Hans! I knew all along you had taken over the cog world as I have the secret ability to talk to clocks.

 

Hans: Then why did you walk into my trap?

 

Tockenheim: Because this isn’t your trap at all…its MY TRAP!

 

Suddenly millions of gear men appear brandishing giant clock hands surrounding Tickenheim.

 

Tockenheim: You’re under arrest Hans – take him away boys.

 

The gear men drag Hans away screaming.

 

Tockenheim: He’ll have plenty of TIME to think about his crimes.

 

All: Hhahahahahah

 

Fin

 

Today's Work - Carnival Blaze

The continuing adventures of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator.

Int – The HR department of Juno Island county council. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator has been called to the desk of section head Desmond Broderbund.

Broderbund: About time Blaze! Office hours are 9:00 – 5:00 and you’re sauntering in at 9:30.

Blaze: Sorry chief I was taking some of the flexi time I built up dealing with the fall out from the computerised sick pay debacle. Oh I forgot you don’t remember that because you were on a sabbatical! Must be nice to be able to take all that time off Desmond.

Broderbund: Don’t you cheek me Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. You might think you’re a hot shot but you aren’t bigger than this department! Just look at all this paperwork, half the timesheets haven’t even been initialled.

Blaze: I might bend the rules a little but I always get results. Maybe if you came down from your ivory tower now and then you’d realise what it’s really like out there. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a pile of p6 notifications the size of a mule and an ulcer to match…
 
He turns to leave

Broderbund: Don’t you walk away from me Carnival or so help me…!

Blaze leaves pushing past assistant section head Lorelei De’Winter

De’Winter: That guy certainly has an attitude, I don’t know why you take that crap Desmond.

Broderbund fishes out a hip flask from his desk and takes a swig.

Broderbund: Because I have to Lorelei…because I have to….

Int Meeting room A.5  - The bi- monthly operational services / regeneration cross departmental team briefing. Attendees are head of operations Alistair Cable, sub chair of regeneration policy Jim Hoover and I.T. consultant Toshi Yashamura.

Cable: Have the systems been set up?
 
Yashamura: Sir I uploaded the information as requested but shouldn’t we give some sort of warning to HR? I mean the checklists alone are going to take months, never mind the actual calculations.

Cable: Oh I think not, you see by dumping this major restructure on HR we can finally be rid of that irritating department. Then I will be free to hire all my staff based on nepotism!

Yashamura: But that’s highly unorthodox, you’ll never get away with it. I’ve got to go warn them…

Cable: I don’t think you’ll be doing that Mr Yashamura. Allow me to introduce you to my jobless nephews!

Two burly men step out of the shadows and grasp Mr Yashamura.

Cable: Now Mr Yashamaura my two nephews are going to take you outside and have a little chat about the difficulties of finding a summer job. With the increase in student loans they have to fund their studies somehow.

They drag Mr Yashamura off kicking and screaming.

Cable: Now nothing can stop us Jim. There’s no way HR will have the time to enforce employment law, you’ll even be able to get your idiot son off benefits. After all ANYONE can work the photocopier HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Hoover: I don’t know Alistair, I hear they have some hot shot administrator in there. Apparently he once calculated overpayment invoices for the entire highways division and some of the elements went into the previous financial year!

Cable: You mean Carnival Blaze. Don’t worry I believe something is going to come up that will keep him occupied….

He picks up the phone

Cable: Yes hello it’s  Alistair. Could you do me a favour….



Int – The desk of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator is on the telephone.

Blaze: Look friend, Mr Peterson has been on an emergency tax code for two months and I’ll be dammed if he stays on it for a third.

Tax office (via telephone): Hey the notification musta got lost in the mail. There aint nothing I can do buddy.

Blaze: Listen ‘Buddy’ either you get that notification faxed through today or I’m going to come over their and file my returns personally. You get my drift!

Tax Office: I’ll see what I can do.

Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator clicks the receiver and makes another call.

Blaze: Mr Peterson – I think we did it!

Mr Peterson: God bless you Mr Blaze, now my children can eat. I can’t thank you enough.

Blaze: It’s my job Mr Peterson. Now take care.

He puts the phone down in time to see Desmond Broderbund approach the desk.

Blaze: A visit from the chief. To what do I owe this great DIShonour?

Broderbund: Listen Blaze cut the wise cracks. I have a serious job here and we both know you’re the only one that can handle it. But I want it on the down low see? If this gets out we’re gonna have a riot on our hands.

Blaze: I’m listening.

Broderbund: Seems some dame in customer services found out her contract changed in 1996 to give her half an extra days holiday a year. Trouble is the managers were never informed so she never got to take that .5 a year and now she wants it all.

Blaze: You mean.
 
Broderbund: That’s right pay arrears going back to 1996. Jesus Christ Blaze our system only goes back to 2001. And she isn’t the only one. The thing is we can’t just throw money at these people, we need to make sure they didn’t take the leave.

Blaze: Let me guess you want me to get those files out of storage and clear up this whole mess. Right?

Broderbund: That’s right Blaze. I’d see it as a personal favour, might even make some of those sick days you took “go away” if you know what I mean.

Blaze: Look chief if I do this I’m doing it for the right reasons. For those people that should’ve been spending time with their families but never got to because pencil pushers like you forgot to shift the numbers around. I had a note for those sick days and I aint ashamed. You got a problem with work related stress that’s your prerogative but I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let you bend the rules for an easy life.

Broderbund: Look Blaze, I didn’t mean anything by it.

Blaze: No YOU look Chief. I’m an administrator. It’s not just what I do it’s who I am so don’t treat me like some no account agency worker. Call Jenny and let her know I’m coming down to the archive.

Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator storms out. Broderdund picks up the phone.
 
Broderbund: Hi Jenny, it’s me Desmond. I’m sending Blaze down to pull some files, give him access to anything he needs.

Int Juno County Council Archives. Archivist Jenny Carter is examining box files and writing on a clip board. Enter Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator

Carter: Hello Carnival, keeping yourself out of trouble?

Blaze: Trying to Jenny.

Carter: That’s not what I hear from Desmond.

Blaze: Hah that desk jockey thinks anything that isn’t triple stamped is trouble. I remember the hierarchy reorganisation of 1998. Now THAT was trouble.

Carter: The good old days huh?

Blaze: I aint never worn rose tinted glasses Jenny and I’m not about to put some on now. Things did seem much ….simpler back then. Everyone knew who did the admin and who did the data input. Now…..I’m just not so sure anymore….

Carter: Least you got to see the changes. Joey would have been on scale pt 16 by now…if only I’d reminded him about the private and confidential stamp.

Blaze: What happened to your brother wasn’t your fault Jenny. The kid got careless that’s all, paid for it with his p45.

Carter: Yep he’s with Office Angels now…..
She wipes away a tear

Carter: Sorry Carnival, don’t know what came over me. Desmond says you need to see some files.

Blaze: Yeah I need everything you got on Veranda Timmons, employee number 95678.

Carter goes to a bank of cupboards and pulls out a long metal drawer.

Carter: This is her. Early records are pretty decayed by now. This place isn’t what you call a sealed environment.

Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator leans forward and starts thumbing through the documents.

Blaze: Jeez what a mess.

Carter: I’ll leave you two alone…

She turns to leave

Blaze: Wait, what’s this?
He picks a document out of the pile.

Carter: Looks like her original application form to me.

Blaze: Yeah but look at that scoring matrix. No way she should have ever been called to interview, let alone got the job. Do we have the interview records for the other candidates?

Carter: Well technically we are supposed to destroy them after two years. Lucky for you I started scanning everything that came through here just in case.

Blaze: Sometimes I could kiss you.

Carter: Sometimes I might let you…

She brings up the application forms on her computer. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator peers over the monitor.

Blaze: Look at this, every question answered perfectly and yet Miss Timmons gets the job.

Carter: Maybe she didn’t give a firm enough handshake.

Blaze: I don’t think so. Look at these other candidates, they all answered more confidently and covered relevant key words in their answers. There’s something rotten going on here and it smells worse than a fish in a flop house.

Carter: Who conducted this farce?

Blaze: The head of department at the time would have been Brian Wilks so he should have conducted the interview.

Carter: Yes he should have but according to this he was taken ill very suddenly, bad case of food poisoning and someone had to step in. They got in the assistant customer care manager…Alistair Cable.

Blaze: Shit this was all a set up. I need to get back to the office NOW.
 
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator rushes off. Carter continues to go through the files.

Int – The HR office. Paper is flying everywhere and the staff are extremely harried.
Alistair Cable is harassing Desmond Broderbund.

Cable: If your department doesn’t get this done by the end of the week the higher ups are threatening to outsource all this work to the Congo.

Broderbund: But Alistair we never had any warning, how are we supposed to cope with all this. Surely some of this should have been done by operations.

Cable: That’s not the way the bosses see it Desmond. These changes have been in the pipeline for years so you should have been preparing.

Broderbund: I know , I know… I just don’t think we can get this one done. I might have to request AGENCY STAFF.

Carnival  Blaze: Office Administrator barges into the offices.

Blaze: I don’t think that will be necessary chief!
 
Broderbund: Blaze, I thought you were tied up.

Blaze (Glancing at Alistair Cable): I’m sure that was Mr Cable’s intention when he got Veranda Timmons to send us on a wild goose chase.

Cable: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean!

Blaze: Oh I think you do Mr Cable. I think you hired Miss Timmons even though she wasn’t qualified because you were a little sweet on her. Who can blame you? A looker  like that waltzes through my door first day I’m doing interviews maybe I’d be tempted too. Thing is now you’re a big shot she feels like she owes you because she knows she can’t do that job properly, maybe she makes up a little story about holiday pay to get me out of the office while you go in for the big score.

Cable: I don’t have to take this….

He goes to leave but Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator pushes him down onto a chair.

Blaze: I say you do Mr Cable because I have evidence to suggest that you have been hiring people based on personal preference rather than ability!

Cable: You’ll never make it stick Blaze! Everyone knows that interview performance is subjective.

Blaze: That might be true Mr Cable but I also know when people are trying to get me out of the way. Especially when they know that I’m the only one from this office who has the skills to read these restructure guidance notes in details. (he turns to Broderbund) It might interest you to know chief that we cannot action any document without the authorisation of the head of the responsible department, in this case that would be Mr Cable here. In short he has to sign ALL of these before we do anything with them.

Cable: But that would take…

Blaze: Weeks!? Probably Mr Cable in which time this department will be able to roll out a proper training program to get staff up to speed and maybe even take on some temporary staff to cover toe increased workload. I doubt they’ll need them though because I’ll be finished with Miss Timmons pay request by then and let’s just say I feel like doing some ….overtime.

Alistair Cable stands on his chair.

Cable: Dammit Blaze don’t you understand!? Because of your department we have to interview for every post – even the ones a monkey could do. Is it so wrong to want to live in a world governed by common sense? I took this job to get things done, not to get wrapped up in red tape. You might have got me this time, but there are others like me…thousands of us and we are never going to stop. You can’t keep us all down blaze, you just….arghhhhh

Cables rants so enthusiastically that he topples off the chair and hits his head.


Blaze: Better put a call in to Occ health chief.

He turns to leave

Broderbund: Hey Blaze….thanks

Blaze: I’ve got work to do.

Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator  steps outside and is met by Jenny Carter.

Carter: What if he’s right? What if this is just the beginning?

Blaze: Then we better hope our paperwork is in order….

Meanwhile in the accounts payable section, Jim Hoover kneels before a mysterious figure.

Hoover: I’m afraid Alistair has failed but we’ve taken steps to make sure he doesn’t let the cat out of the bag.

We see Cable in the corner with his mouth stapled shut.

Mysterious figure: It is of little consequence. Mr Cable always thought he knew more than he did, and his little scheme was never truly part of my plans. I just wanted to see how Mr Blaze would react. I must say he exceeded even my expectations.

Hoover: Do you think he’ll be a problem?

Mysterious figure: (Playing with a document) I don’t think so…not in the long term ahhahahahaha

He puts down the document revealing it to be Carnival Blaze’s P45, a staple is driven through the word “Blaze”

To be continued….