After another unwarranted pay rise at the taxpayer’s expense. (Thanks ladies and gents of the North, keep reaching for that rainbow.) I decided to invest in an “I Telephone Device” as I had heard that they can do all sorts of wonderful things. It turns out what they can actually do is sell you ropey flash games for 69p each. You might not think 69p is a lot of money but if you saved up all the 69p’s you would eventually have enough pennies to fill a sack with that you could use to someone over the head.
Of course not everyone owns a sack so here are my reviews so far.
Street Fighter IV:
Imagine if Street Fighter looked like Killer Instinct and you could only control it by hitting the joy pad with a broom. This is the experience of playing Street Fighter on the Iphone only instead of a broom you are using fingers and the touch screen doesn’t work properly. (Unless you have broom fingers)
Overall I give it a Mark of Dignity but not necessarily one that would scar thy DNA.
Cut the Rope
This game involves “cutting ropes” however it also involves rubbish bits where you have to razz a balloon. Notice how this game isn’t called “Razz the balloon” because the bits where you have to do that are irritating and no one would buy it. Personally I think it should have been called “F33d t2e Monst3R” because then Vin Diesel could have played the monster and instead of eating sweets he would have stolen a car full of sweets. Then the trailer would have been the rock saying “Don’t let them get near a car full of sweets” even though that’s exactly what had happened. Maybe people should pay more attention to what the rock says or they could end up like the man from the end of the Scorpion King. (Wrestled to death by a man wearing a loin cloth)
Overall this game gets a People’s Elbow out of rope.
Tiny Wings
Tiny Wings is a game about causing a bird to fly by throwing it down hills. My brother once threw a dog down some stairs but I don’t know if he intended it to fly. Either way this game is irresponsible both in it’s depiction of birds and how it implies that all hills are curvy. I for one have seen many jagged hills and this problem is not addressed in the game. That is why I have put together a small play about the dangers of hills.
The Hilling Joke
Scene 1: Matthew is sitting at a desk
Matthew: Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me, everyone tells me what to do…
Teacher: Get that work done boy or it’s a bleak tomorrow.
Parent: You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t put your ear to the grinder.
Friend: Everybody else is doing it; you don’t want to be Johnny Bagshaw.
Matthew: But all I really care about is…hills. I think about them all the time, sometimes I worry that it’s not natural. Barry Burns says that thinking about Hills turns you gay. But I just love them so much.
A knock at the door. Matthew gets up to answer it.
Matthew: Who are you!?
Stranger: I’m Richard Hill-man and I’m here to tell you the facts about hills!
Matthew: Mister, I’m worried that I’m spending too much time thinking about hills, do you think I’m abnormal?
Richard Hill-man: Of course not Matthew, it’s just a natural part of growing up. You’ll probably grow out of it eventually just remember to stay safe in the mean time.
Matthew: Safe? But Hills aren’t dangerous are they mister?
Richard Hill-Man: For the most part Hills are harmless but theirs always a bad apple waiting to spoil everybody’s hill related fun. Why any hill could have spikes at the bottom or even a troll living in it. Then the hills really would have eyes.
Matthew: Gosh Mister! I don’t think I could stand to go near a hill again what with all the risks involved.
Richard Hill-Man: Wo! Don’t be so hasty. We can all enjoy hills so long as we remember the seven steps of safe hill enjoyment.
1. ALWAYS wear stout hill boots or Gum shoes accredited by the National Hill Association. You can check what brands are endorsed by the NHA at NHA.com or just check the box for the golden hill of quality.
2. Ideally you should always visit a hill with a friend but if your friends have no interest in hills you should at least let someone know which hill you are visiting in case you get in trouble.
3. NEVER attempt to tumble down a hill.
4. NEVER get into the car of a stranger who offers to take you to see a new hill.
5. NEVER attempt to take a sample of the hill home with you. We all enjoy hills but if everyone tried to take the hills home with them there wouldn’t be any hills left to enjoy. Even worse a hill kept in captivity can easily turn evil out of boredom.
6. ALWAYS remember to bring your anti-troll dousing rod with you. It is rare that a hill will be inhabited by a troll in this day and age but you can never be too careful. A good dousing rod will cost you under £20 and you can’t put a price on safety.
7. NEVER point a hill at another person or animal.
Matthew: Wowsers, thanks Mister. Now I feel clued up on hills.
Richard Hill-Man: That’s right Matthew. Hills are cool but Hill safety is even cooler.
Matthew: Radical!
Fin
For these reasons I’m giving Tiny Wings a Hill out of Hillary Banks.
Cut Him Up!
I thought this might be a sequel to Cut the Rope. Actually I didn’t think that at all I just said it as a hilarious joke. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a prequel to Cut the Rope! The main differences between this and Cut the Rope is that instead of cutting the rope it is a scrolling beat-em-up with madworld type graphics. i.e all in black and white except the blood. Does this make the game look more stylish or does it make the game look like the man that made it couldn’t be bothered to do any colouring in? It’s a pretty rubbish game so I would say it’s the second thing, Not only did I manage to finish this game in an afternoon I also managed to make my man walk up a wall and witness that there were only three different enemies. The only thing getting cut up in this game is my wallet and maybe the man that made it because I am going to find him and cut him up to get my 69p back. (presuming that he swallows all the money he earns.)
This game is more Up! Than Cut up classic so its only getting 7 surgeons out of a last boss who looks a bit like Bane.
Streets of Rage
Streets of Rage 2 is the best streets of Rage but it also costs £2 (£1.99) whereas the original is a paltry 69p. If only I had remembered that the original is awful I would probably retain that 69p alas it has been wasted on a game where Blaze wears a coat and moving with any precision is impossible. Even Cut Him Up! Had better controls than this and as previously established that game was utter bobbins. Even the music on the original Streets of Rage is annoying. The whole experience made me want to cry.
For these reasons I’m giving Streets of Rage a Skate out of Adam.
Robot Unicorn Attack
Already an internet meme but no less excellent for it. Keep chasing those dreams Mr Unicorn.
(In the interests of fairness I should mention that I have always had a soft spot for Unicorns as I too have a mysterious horn sticking out of my forehead. The doctor identified it as “Mysterious mass of bone.” Thanks medical science!)
10/10
Hunters ep.1
Essentially Space Crusade for the iPhone. Stupidly addictive and when you kill people they make a satisfying “graak” noise. May or may not be related to Hunter: the Reckoning.
I give it a hunt out of hunt.
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