Today's Work - Serious Journalism

After three days of anarchy the Prime Minister has finally decided to make some tough decisions. He today revealed that prototype cyborg policemen from the future would be sent out to deal with troublemakers in a brutally efficient manner.

We were lucky enough to be able to interview police spokesman Inspector Tockenheim about these developments.

Us: So how do these cyborg policemen differ from your regular bobby on the beat?

Tockenheim:  Unlike a normal policeman a Cyborg policeman has a metal body giving him enhanced strength, speed and reflexes. And yes I mean Policeman not “policeperson” unfortunately Policewomen are unable to undergo the transformation into emotionless crime control robots because as we all know women are allergic to modern technology. It’s all right though; there are still plenty of jobs back at the office – making the robot tea!

Us: So they still drink tea then?

Tockneheim: Robot tea isn’t actually tea, its oil in a mug but we have being asked to refer to it as robot tea so that the cyborg policemen do not lose all semblance of humanity and go berserk.

Us: So how are these cyborg policemen going to stand up to rioters?

Tockenehim: The cyborg Policeman also have several new tricks to deploy against “Johnny Riots.” These include a baton made of lasers, impenetrable adamantium riot shields, sentient hand cuffs inhabited by the soul of their dead partner who was killed by rioters and proton cannons.

Us: Given the government’s previous reluctance to even deploy water cannons and rubber bullets isn’t it slightly extreme to now be arming officers with giant proton cannons?

Tockenheim: Some people might say that but those people probably live in fancy unrioting areas like Berwick or Luton. People are demanding results and nothing gets better results than reducing people to atoms with a high powered laser. If anything they should be thankful we aren’t using neutron cannons!

Us: Isn’t their a danger that these Cyborg Policemen may go mad with power and start killing everyone they deem unworthy, perhaps selecting a few to be “upgraded” and serve in their horrifying technocracy?

Tockenheim: I would be lying if I said this wasn’t the case. There is always an inherent danger in dealing with any kind of machine-man hybrid be it cyborg, android or robot with a man’s brain. We’ve all played rise of the robots! Its very important that these cyborg policemen don’t lose sight of their humanity which is why we have decided to re-home them in comfortable stark white cells and give them numbers instead of names to make them feel more special. If all else fails we have a race of genetically altered crab-men that are sure to put up some sort of fight.

Us: Is this anything like Robocop?

Tockenheim: No it’s nothing like Robocop.

Us: We’ve heard that the cyborg policemen will be enforcing the law in controversial new ways such as freezing criminals with arctic rays, crushing the legs of criminals with their large mechanical vice hands so that they are unable to run away and taunting rioters with demoralising slogans such as “Why don’t you try getting a job and then you could buy things instead of looting them.”. Don’t these methods contravene the human rights act?

Tockneheim: Technically a cyborg policeman is no longer human so they don’t believe in human rights. Although don’t tell them I said that they were no longer human because then they will probably go berserk and crush my legs with their vice hands. It’s not like people really care about human rights anyway. I personally have been sending people back to Aztec times with my patented Tocken-beam for years and I never get any complaints.

Us: Isn’t that because their were no human rights lawyers in Aztec times?

Tockenheim: No it’s because they were all immediately sacrificed to the great Toltec.

Us: Do law abiding citizens have anything to fear from this new technology.

Tockenheim: I would say NO. Law abiding people need not fear these new crime fighters in any way although I would qualify that by saying that when we were testing them they did kill quite a few tramps. Basically you should be ok but if you look a bit unkempt you might want to steer clear. Oh they don’t really get on with children either because we couldn’t get their camera eyes to focus on a large range of sizes. It’s not that they will attack children, just that they might not notice they exist and trample them. The same goes for midgets.

Us: Don’t you think most people would be more comfortable with a friendly local bobby than an emotionless army of steel automaton?

Tockenheim: We have already taken these concerns into consideration. That is why are policemen are programmed to whistle cheerfully as they mercilessly smash in the heads of wrong doers. In many ways it’s a return to the good old days when Dixon of Dock green was able to beat people’s children for stealing sweets without being put on some sort of list. In those days the only register they had for policemen was a register of excellent prevention of crimes.

Us: Thank you for answering our questions inspector, do you have a message you want to pass on to the public regarding the current problems?

Tockenheim: Yes. I’d just like to let everyone know that crime doesn’t pay. Unless it’s some sort of embezzlement crime that is too complicated to understand in which case you might get away with it but then who are you really hurting apart from big corporations that can afford it. Perhaps people wouldn’t embezzle so much if the heads would stop avoiding taxes and pay their dues to society. Did you know that with what the head of Arcadia avoids in taxes I could have bought a sheriffs badge made of palladium. Also if you are thinking of committing a crime then I’d probably do it before these robot things come out because I’ve seen them in action and they really don’t mess about.  I mean seriously I saw one punch a guy so hard that he reproduced asexually.


Later on we were able to have a quick word with one of the ringleaders as he threw biros at innocent bystanders. He requested his name be withheld from publication, but “we don’t protect no riot-men” (His name was Harold Crimes)

Us: Can you tell us why you are engaging in all this violence and destruction? Wouldn’t you prefer to have all the thrills of obeying the law?

Harold Crimes: Well obviously I can speak for everyone involved in these riots as we are after all a cohesive movement. What these riots are mainly about is that looting stuff is really good.

Us: In what way is looting stuff “really good” for example in comparison with not looting stuff?

Harold Crimes: Well you know things?

Us: Items for example?

Harold crimes: Yes things and items. Well normally if I want things I have to go in a shop and buy them but when I’m looting stuff all I have to do is take the things I want. It’s a lot more convenient because you never get a queue and you don’t have to do that awkward bit of small talk with the cashier. I always wonder if their talking to me because they want to or just because they have been told to by the boss. I swear to god I once saw a list of questions to ask customers behind the till at Next. It said things like “Are you going on holiday this year?” and “What’s your favourite kind of screwdriver?”. What has any of this got to do with buying clothes!? Also I really wanted to buy some batman pants but it was a girl on the till and I didn’t want her thinking I was some sort of pervert so I had to come back and loot them later on.

Us: What do you say to people who claim you are hurting innocent business and ruining people’s livelihoods?

Harold Crimes: Well they should have thought about the consequences before stocking the kinds of things in their shops that I like to loot.

Us: But what about the fires you have started? What does that have to do with feeling slightly awkward when buying superhero themed underwear?

Harold Crimes: To be honest I feel a bit bad about that. Me and my mate Colsey were playing with a lighter and we got a bit carried away. I think Colsey felt so guilty that he buried his lighter in the woods. Unfortunately he buried it under a pile of dry wood and that caused even more problems. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be held to account for that but he’s lived in a  tower block his whole life. What does he know about nature? He’d never even seen a tree before yesterday. How was he to know they were flammable?

Us: Finally can we just ask you about your response to the recently announced cyborg policemen?

Harold Crimes: They don’t really worry me. Confuser Gaz says he knows a bloke that can get a load of knock off bosun cannons and a couple of people on twitter are working on an EMP blast that will short out all their main cyber-functions. If all else fails we’ll just have to stop looting, which will be a shame.





After the time of writing we became aware that the Cyborg Policemen were actually just programmed to attack poor people and also that they weren't robots at all but just men holding baking trays. Oh David!