The World Violence Federation (WVF) is the premier name in semi-realistic sporting adventure. Where else can you find all the biggest names in modern wrestling, certainly not in the FFO (Fabulous Fighting Organisation)! WVF also innovates with new types of match including the Passive Aggression Session and the Eight Man Hoe-down. If you aren’t familiar with the stars of WVF then prepare to become familiar with them by reading this vital information.
Name: Tremendous Barnfather
Special Attack: The Barnfather blast
Favourite match type: Needle under canvas match
Tremendous Barnfather is known for his tremendous girth as well as his tremendous abilities in the ring. His main technique is to crunch opponents beneath his mighty belly and then list all the things he had eaten that day. Even though he is getting on in years Barnfather remains a fan favourite thanks to his amazing showmanship and steadfast refusal to be anything less than morbidly obese.
Quote: “Prepare to be tarred and Barnfathered!”
Name: Kirk Manchuria
Special Attack: The Luton hypotenuse
Favourite match type: Sage in the Cage Match
Kirk Manchuria is a simple everyman who has raised himself to the pinnacle of professional faux athleticism through sheer determination and steroid consumption. He is one of the most famous faces in wrestling and has even made the leap into proper acting with films like “Don’t kill baby!” and “Homeboy gets the apples.” Despite all this he never forgets his roots and has spent several million dollars trying to get his hometown replaced with a dinosaur museum. As Kirk himself says “The biggest threat I face is getting a custom elbow to the groin but if those dinosaurs come back from under the sea then we’re all at threat. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge of the enemy and anti-dinosaur surface to air missiles.”
Quote: “I’m getting Kirk Manchurious with you!”
Name: Bernard Charleston
Special Attack: The Charleston cross
Favourite match type: The four square – square off.
Bernard Charleston is a millionaire aristocrat from New Jersey who wrestles for the sheer pleasure of punching paupers in the nose. He is well renowned as a bad sport who cheats by having his butler pass him steel chairs while the referee has his back turned. Even worse he constantly feels the need to correct the grammar of the audience. Despite all his money Bernard is often beaten by more popular/less solvent opponents which just goes to show that money can buy you immunity to the law but it can’t buy you immunity to pile drivers.
Quote: “Unless someone beats me a wrestling I’m going to buy an orphanage and then put it on top of a rocket headed straight for the sun.”
Name: Amazing Boy Terrence St’Claire
Special Attack: Reticulated elbow drop
Favourite match type: ROPE ZONE
For Terrence St’Claire it’s all about the ol’ razzle dazzle. Not only does he talk up a storm using phrases such as “Mind Boglins” he also dresses the part. It’s not many men that can get away with wearing a sequinned cowboy hat or a coat made of peacocks but Terrence carries it off with aplomb.
As Terrence himself says “When you’ve got a fist the size of a Christian Ham you can wear whatever the Mind Boglins you want.”
Quote: “What are your options when Terrencemania is keeping an eye out for you?”
Name: Jean Pierre “The Parfait” Depardieu
Special Attack: The Eiffel shower
Favourite match type: Canvasser match
Jean Pierre is your typical Frenchman who thinks nothing of sporting a beret in the ring he has even been known to gulp down slices of brie between rounds. To emphasise his Frenchness he always enters the ring on a bicycle accompanied by Oxygene. His dark secret is that he is actually the son of a Texan oil baron who decided to convert to being French after eating a delicious baguette in Café Rouge. Its lucky he didn’t go for the buffet king because this paragraph would have been far more racist.
Quote: “Je teme, du la pomp. Le Jean Reno la fillet du beouf!”
Name: Bill Curious
Special Attack: The Bill Curious hook
Favourite match type: Floating outrage match
Bill Curious is most famous for concealing his features underneath a mask and never revealing his true identity. Rumours abound that he is actually the long lost brother of Kirk Manchuria who was reported to have died in a sawing accident, other rumours abound that he is a man named William Curious with an unbearable face. Bill Curious sometimes takes part in tag team matches with his equally mysterious friend Alan Abanazer.
Quote: “Bill Curiousity killed the cat!”
Name: Magic Larry
Special Attack: The magic circle jerk
Favourite match type: Immigrant survival match.
Magic Larry is a kind of wizard who claims that he receives wrestling advice from the “other world.” He has even been known to stop mid-match to invoke the help of dead Yorkshire men such as Seth Armstrong and Dickie Bird. Despite all his spiritual advantages Magic Larry has never won a match as he doesn’t have enough raw strength to press his advantage. Perhaps if he spent more time pumping iron and less time pumping books (for magical information) he would finally get a trophy. Despite this Magic Larry remains popular because he gives audience members messages from dead relatives during the fight.
Quote: “I have a message from your dead wife. She says she is happy now, but you need to have a talk at some point about why you pushed her down the stairs.”
Name: Cracker Jack
Special Attack: The Crack-hammer
Favourite match type: Alligator Classic
Cracker Jack is known as “The most mentally ill man in sports” and for good reason as he has been diagnosed by actual psychologists with at least twelve mental complaints ranging from manic-depression to sexual addiction. This makes him an unpredictable character in the ring. His opponents never know if he is going to fight them or sleep with them and to be honest neither does he. Cracker Jack once had treatment for his ailments but his new character, “Sanity Jack”, proved so unpopular that wrestle bosses decided to hide all his medication.
Quote: “Groooooooooooooooooooo”
Name: Ian “Big Boss” Nevins
Special Attack: Disciplinary action
Favourite match type: Team building exercise match
Ian Nevins is the actual boss of the WVF. He spends most of his time managing the finances and arranging lucrative sponsorship deals but when the employees get rowdy he isn’t afraid to step into the ring and hand out P45’s made from pure pain. Ian has never lost a match but he did once suffer several broken ribs after Michael Jarrocks threw him off a balcony by way of resignation.
Quote: “I’m going to organise a business meeting between your face and my foot. The minutes will be taken by severe injuries.”
Name: Artex the Living Cockerel
Special Attack: Trine
Favourite match type: Surprise carnival match
Artex is a Voodoo king from New Orleans who calls on the strength of ten thousand cockerels during fights. Opponents often underestimate his abilities thinking that a Chicken is nothing compared to the power of human fists, they have clearly never seen a cock fight as Artex goes at them with all the fury of a fighting bird in its prime. Even without his poultry augmented strength Artex would be a force to be reckoned with given his propensity to wave his voodoo shaker unnervingly in the faces of opponents.
Quote: “Don’t Cockerel out on me boy!”
Name: Ever Lovin’ Gareth Maguire
Special Attack: Horizontal body splash
Favourite match type: Mixed Doubles
Self styled ladies man Gareth Maguire things nothing of stopping a fight to pay compliments an attractive lady in the audience. Naturally they are repulsed as it is common knowledge that Gareth is not only married, but frequently punches his wife in the face in an attempt to make her more beautiful. This may not be politically correct but it is definitely the correct way for him to build up his muscles – as the saying goes “Punch wife in face = strength of mace”
Quote: “It’s your fault for making me angry!”
Name: “Wooden Beam” Archie Sykes
Special Attack: The Beam-face bonanza
Favourite match type: Timber mill fiasco
Archie Sykes always struggled to stand out from the crowd until the fateful day when he discovered a large wooden beam had separated itself from the rafters of his house. Rather than arrange for repairs with a reputable tradesmen Archie took up the beam as his visual trademark and left his structurally unsound abode to the whims of gravity. Technically splitting a man’s skull with a large piece of timber isn’t a wrestling move but whenever anyone brings this up they find themselves in the hospital with mysterious wood related injuries.
Quote: “Wood pun!”
Name: Major Assault
Special Attack: The Defcon dropshot
Favourite match type: Counterinsurgency classic
Major Assault is a Sergeant Major from the actual Army who uses the notoriety of professional violence to encourage children into joining the armed forces. The Major uses all the skills of a state sponsored killing machine to take down his opponents from advanced CQC techniques to ordering napalm strikes on his opponents. It is a little known fact that his name is actually Ralph Jones and he is named Major Assualt due to his love of Gundam Battle Assault.
Quote: “If only we had Hi-goggs in Nam, Charlie would be laughing on the other side of his face.”
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