Festive Film Festacular

“Tammers Christmas Carol”

Popular sports personality Keith “Tammers” Tamworth stars in this all new version of the Dickens classic as Ebeneezer Tammers, a man who has serious doubts about Christmas. This all changes when he is visited by the three ghosts of his dead children (the reason he hates Christmas is because his children are dead.) Eventually he learns the true meaning of Christmas – throwing foreign coins at beggars.

The best bit is when Tammers says “Anyone who goes around with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips should be gone at Tammer and Hongs with his own turkey.” And there is a cameo appearance by Tammer’s former team mate Albert LeFrisco as Bob LeCratchet the Mexican pauper. “Eh gringo mia bambino ist mucho crippolo!” It does sag a little in the middle when Tammers goes on a long rant about the virtues of the modern decathlon but fans of Tammers are sure to eat this up, especially the points he makes about the use of steam punk style jumping shoes in the long jump.

Overall this is an excellent family film although the constant Mexican references might not be suitable for young children. (If they are scared of Mexicans) I give it a  “Come in an Tammers me better man” out of five.

“Dead Santa Replace Zwei: Icy Issues”

This follows the events of “Dead Santa Replace” in which everyday family man Salvatore Cosgrove (Nicholas Cage) must take the place of Santa after accidentally shooting him in the face. Thankfully no one really seems to care about the fact that Santa is dead and Salvatore is able to deliver toys to all the children of the world. (Who have wealthy parents and therefore deserve presents the most)

In this sequel Salvatore finds that being the new Santa isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be as he faces competition from Jack Frost (Christopher Walken). This goes from a few disputes over icy roofs to all out warfare when Salvatore’s brother goes to the land of Jack Frost and smashes up lots of ice men with a hammer. As usual modern technology saves the day and Salvatore eventually prevails by getting his elves to build a proton cannon but there is certainly a lot of tension in the meantime. (Especially as the ice men are working on a bosun cannon but do not complete it because a lot of the polar bear scientists defect to the North Pole after a pay dispute.)

This film is probably worth watching just to see the bit where jack Frost says “I invented coldness!” but it doesn’t have the same level of graphics as the original ‘Dead Santa Replace’. Therefore I give it a “Elf” out of “Zwolf”

‘It’s a Wonderful Life 2: For whom the bell tolls’

After convincing James Stewart that he has had a “Wonderful” life Clarence has one more task to perform before he gains his wings – convince the money grasping Mr Potter to commit suicide. What follows is a heart-warming tale of one man’s decision to improve the world by removing himself from it.

Mr Potter: “You mean without me Hugh Jackman would have bought a house in this town.”

Clarence: “Yes and he wouldn’t mind answering questions about the making of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. You see Mr potter it would be better if you had never been born., you really have led an awful life.”

I give it a car and hose out of 7.

Home Alone Rises

10 Years after the Wet bandits murdered his parents in front of him Kevin McAllister returns from years of training to take up the mantle of “The Loner” a mysterious vigilante who lures criminals to his house and then kills them by dropping irons on them.  Highlights include the scene where John Candy invents a special kind of iron which can drop onto everyone’s face at once and the twist ending where the Shovel Man turns out to have been Liam Neeson.

Shovel Man: “You came into my shop and stole a toothbrush…now I’m returning the favour!”

The only issue I have with the film is how Kevin is supposed to have been raised by his Uncle Frank (Michael Caine) but all he does is call him a “Little Jerk” and encourage his cousins to refer to Kevin as les incompetent. Perhaps he would not feel the need to crush thieves in vice rooms if he had been encourages more as a child. On the subject of vice rooms, I won’t spoil it for you but some of the traps really are very ingenious – standouts include the Alligator Conundrum, the Micro Machine filled acid vat and the return of Gold Saint Lord Cochrane.

Overall I give this a Gary Oldman out of  Gary Newman.