Q. When is an ape ape?
A. When it is agape!
When I saw the trailer for “Rise of the planet of the apes.” I was literally “going ape” myself because it looked to be “monkeying around” with my expectations i.e. the expectations that it would not be a good film. More importantly I was not looking forward to all the “chimp” journalists making terrible monkey pun(cher)s in their reviews. Those journalists need to orang-utan and smell the coffee because the news is that those apes are running wild – ape (hog) wild!
Perhaps people would have better impressions of this film if they hadn’t given it such a cumbersome title feature dual “of the”s why didn’t they just go the whole chimp (hog) and call it “The official movie of the novelisation the film of the rise of the planet of the apes.” Or even just “Rise of the apes” or “Star Wars: Rise of the apes” as they have already stolen the font! Lucas fonts aren’t the only things that have been thieved by those unscrupulous simians. So far as I can tell they have also stole the plot of Playstation classic Ape Escape, whereby a super evil monkey is given intelligence by a scientist and proceeds to spread his intelligence to other monkeys who then travel back in time causing havoc. Of course there are subtle differences such as the monkey being made intelligent by genetic engineering instead of a hat with a siren on it, the fact that the monkeys cause havoc in America rather than back in time and the fact that instead of a scientist it is Harry Osborne out of Spiderman. Or at least he say’s he’s Harry Osborne but without his liney hair style I don’t know what to think. Maybe he would be able to prove he was Harry Osborne by having a scene in the film where a snooty usher won’t let him into the hair salon to have lines drawn onto his head. Also instead of inventing pumpkin bombs he can just do them out of his wrists.
The point is that this monkey film features a lot of good acting from John Lithgow who plays the same man out of Bigfoot and the Henderson’s only instead of being perplexed by a Bigfoot he is perplexed by an ape. Also Andy Circus plays every monkey in the film which continues his long career of playing monkey’s in films. What I find suspicious is why that man is so good at pretending to be a monkey and also why they didn’t just get in a real monkey.
Thinking about it they probably didn’t get a real monkey because the film might give monkey ideas about rising up and having an ape related revolution, this still makes me suspicious of Andy Circuits though because he is so good at pretending to be a monkey he might actually just be a monkey wearing a mans face. The man’s face might be an actual face that the monkey ripped off in a fit of rage or it might be a rubber mask. You may be thinking that a rubber mask would be the less horrifying of those options BUT YOU ARE WRONG because it means that apes have already learned how to make rubber masks. How else would an ape have got hold of a mask? By stealing it from a joke shop? But why would a joke shop have a mask of a man’s face that could fit an ape!!??? What I’m trying to say is that the man that plays the monkey is actually a monkey pretending to be a man playing a monkey so that he can get ideas about ape-uprising and steal film techniques so that the apes can make convincing anti-human propaganda films.
Overall I am going to give this film a Monkey Hero out of Monkey Magic but I would probably be willing to go up to a Super Monkey Ball if I was 100% sure that the lead actor wasn’t a super intelligent primate plotting to overthrow the world. Let me also say that if any sinister simians are reading this then they should be aware that I have completed all three ape escape games and I will stun club you back to the stone age if you try any of that “Chimpy Business” on my turf.
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