A series of facts.
Fact 1: When/If the Queen dies everyone will get the day off work to be sad.
Fact 2: I don’t own a television and so will be unable to join in the day of national mourning.
Fact 3: I will instead use this day to complete the disappointing Prince of Persia reboot.
Fact 4: When/If the Queen dies then whoever is next in line to the throne will become King.
Fact 5: When we get a new king everyone will get the day off for the coronation and say “Long live the King”.
Fact 6: I don’t own a television and so will be unable to view the coronation.
Fact 7: I will instead use the day to plough further into the mess that is Final Fantasy XIII.
Conclusion of facts – Too many people are waiting for an old woman to die, which isn’t a nice situation to be in. Especially if that old woman is your mother and you just desperately want a turn at being king- just for a bit.
It seems to me that an elegant solution would be to put an age limit on the royal family so after a while they are forced to retire. Thus conferring the following advantages –
+ 1 extra day off for coronation every 20 years.
+ 5 to morale of country for having sexy young monarchs.
Unfortunately this doesn’t solve the main problem of having a royal family which so far as I can tell is that evil uncles are constantly trying to steal the throne by going back in time to not save their brothers life from a lion attack or by the use of a magic lamp.
It would probably be better if we just chose our kings at random using a lottery system or perhaps Big Brother style audition videos featuring people making bold racist statements or going down hills in shopping trolleys.*
*It’s unfortunate that the producers of Big Brother turned to live auditions as watching the audition videos on E4 (in those days the channel was known as Channel Four DX) was easily more entertaining than the actual programme and gave a real insight into the character of the nation. (Racism and Jackass style ‘stunts’)
This is the long winded way of me demanding to be king, it was either that or a ghoulish account of breaking into the royal palace and murdering everyone from humble butler to mighty head of state. How could I guarantee that I would win the monarch lottery? Easy! I broke into the lottery HQ and murdered everyone from humble lottery administrator to mighty lottery emperor.
My first act as king? Buy a new cloak with a big K on the back! (Also encourage people to call me ‘big K’.
My second act as king is to throw all my evil uncles onto a fire. (I can tell they are evil because they have pointy beards and constantly smirk at the camera when they think I’m not looking.)
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