Evil Dead is bobbins.

Another five year old piece of script work, laurel resting continues.

Evil Dead 4 - "Deadites in the Shed(ites)"

Ash (Bruce Campbell) is sat in his back garden reading a Transformers annual.

Ash : "Damm those filthy Decpeticons, I bet Optimus prime wouldn’t have died if I had been there with my BOOMSTICK and HELICOPTER CAR."

Mrs Ash (Bruce Campbell in a wig) pokes her head around the door.

Mrs Ash: "Stop lazing about and clear out that shed you big galut, and don’t touch this pie that I’m putting on the window sill to cool."

Ash: "Grumble Grumble, if I still had that chainsaw for a hand, grumble , then Id show you."

Ash opens the shed door and goes inside, but alas he gets his foot stuck in a bucket and flails around comically knocking a book off the shelf. He then falls on top of the opened book.

Ash: "Oh no, this is the evil book written in blood and I’ve accidentally read it!"

Zombies come out of the ground and stumble about like idiots.

Ash: "Curses these Zombies will surely come to attack my shed, luckily I have my SHOTGUN in here"

Ash picks up the shotgun

Ash: "And this handy RAKE"

Ash ties the rake to his arm. Suddenly the door bursts open

Zombie: "Grrrrragghhh"

Ash: "Zim Zam! Aha ha ha ha!"

Ash rakes the zombie on the face and it falls over

More Zombies come through the door

Zombies: "Doop doop"

Ash shoots the zombies causing them to explode

Ash: "SO SMAAAART SHOOOOPING!"

Ash dives out of the shed and it EXPLODES. Suddenly a zombie approaches the pie on the window sill.

Ash: "Nooooooo" Ash throws a trowel which hits the zombie between the eyes causing it to explode.

Mrs Ash approaches, except she is now a MINDLESS ZOMBIE

Mrs Ash: "Hello dear, how would you like me to Dye (die) your clothes"

Ash raises the shotgun "Um bongo" fires "Um bongo" fires "Dey drink it in the congo" The final shot kills the hideous zombie.

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Ash opens the door, to reveal his boss Mr Spacely

Ash: "Oh no I forgot my boss was coming over for dinner"

Mr Spacely: "ASSSSSSHHHHHH!"

A Love Song I wrote that is also is bobbins

A song for Valentine’s day about love. Love in ancient Greece. (That I wrote in 2005)


Greece Lovin 

1)Hello there this is Ajax/Using an old Greek telephone/I’m asking you to come out with me/then we could go back to your home.
Hello there good friend Ajax/Agamemnon here/I’ll have to decline your invitation/as I’m planning on washing my ha-yer (hair)

Chorus - Love in ancient Grease/It really is a sight/Love in ancient Greece/They do it all night/Love in ancient Greece/they do it with young boys/Love in ancient Greece/that’s frowned upon in this day and age.

2) Knock Knock It’s me Ajax/I’m knocking on your door/Is Mr Achilles in?/I’d like to do kissing and more.
Sorry Sorry Ajax/Achilles is not in/a man shot him in the foot with an arrow/ a most ironic incident I’m sure you'll agree.

3) He-lo ts me Ajx/Spkng thru txt/I hope mi wrds R clear/wud U lik sum sex?
Sorry Sorry Ajax/The man from Nokia here/the message could not be delivered/the signal was not clear.

4) Dammit Dammit curses/what am I to do/I need some lovin for valentine’s day/despite the inherent anachronistic leanings of this song

5) Never mind dear Ajax/man love takes planning/do some scheme involving a wooden horse/that will be a good idea.

Les Misrables: A play I wrote many years ago is bobbins.

A play recovered from the mists of time, critics described it as ‘rontoculous’ imagine what the fans said! (Also rontonculous)

Bobbin's 'Les Miserables'

Bruce: Cheer up Les stop being so miserable

Julian: Yeah Les, cheer the fuck up.

Les: Oh I’m so depressed.

Danny 'Travelodge' Barton: Here Les I brought you some sweets.

Les: Oh I’m still miserable

Bruce: Cheer up Les for Christ sake

[Later... at the zoo]

Julian: We're at the zoo now, these monkeys will surely cheer you up.

Les: I’m still miserable

Zookeeper: fucking hell mate you really are miserable, you’ve got a face like a slapped donkey, and I should know!

Julian: Look Les I brought you some wacky tobaccy or 'Ganja', smoke a spliff and fly!

Les: Oh I’m still miserable and I see the Cyclops!

Eddie grant: Wow Les you really are miserable! Lets rock down 2 electric avenue and then we take it higher!

[Electric avenue brothel]
Les: Wow I’m not miserable any more, I don’t half love prostitutes! Murdering them that is!

Julian/Lance/zookeeper/Eddie Grant/Danny: Hooray!

Dr Vandleroy - Funf und Zwanzig

LaFemme's Pen(S) - Does Charlie Brooker have a gang?

Subject:  Prankox
From:  Tiger Aspect

Hi guys,

 I have been in touch with you about previous TV productions, and we have a BRAND NEW show which I’d like to invite you to take part in!

Do you want to set up your friends on a major new hidden camera show?  We are looking for people to set up their mates for fun and silly pranks as part of a brand new series of Olivia Lee: Dirty Sexy Funny on Comedy Central!

 For now we are looking for people to set up their friends for what they think is a free beauty treatment by a recently qualified therapist;

 1         On Wednesday 25th August we are offering a free nail consultation at a top nail salon. Little do they know that the person about to give them a manicure will be Olivia... If you have a female friend who would love to have her nails done for free and you’d like the set them up for a joke, then this is perfect for you!

 2         On Thursday 26th August we are offering a free spray tan at a chic tanning salon – spoiled only by the fluorescent-orange coloured beauty therapist. Whether you have a female friend who loves a fake tan or you know a confident guy who isn’t shy to spray on a little bit of colour, then this is the shoot for you!

 3         Also on Thursday 26th August we are offering a free tattoo consultation and stencil by the world’s kookiest tattoo artist at one of Central London’s best tattoo parlours to the stars! If you know someone who is thinking of getting a tattoo and wants to try some options for free, this is the perfect hidden camera prank we could play on them!  

 These shoots should be perfect for someone who lives in London or the surrounding area, is free that day, and of course has a sense of humour, so get your thinking caps on! If selected, please do not tell your friends. Simply get in touch with us now for more information about these shoots, and you could see yourselves featuring in the latest big new comedy prank show on TV!

To apply email us your details on the attached form, to: takepart@tigeraspect.co.uk

To find out more about the show go to: http://www.comedycentral.co.uk/shows/dirty-sexy-funny-olivia-lee

 PLEASE NOTE - YOU MUST BE AGED 18 YEARS OR OVER!

 Also, we will be looking to set up loads more people in September and October, so even if these pranks don’t work for you, get in touch and we can let you know what we have coming up!

 Thanks,

Mike & The Olivia Lee Team




To:  Tiger Aspect
Subject: Prankox

Dear Michael

 I am writing with regard to your call for ‘friends’ to be set up on your new hidden cameras show. I can think of no one more deserving of a good shock than my friend Gill Gamesh. She has never had a tattoo before but has asked for one as a birthday present or “birthoo”. I would love to see her face when confronted by a ‘kooky’ tattoo artist as I’m sure she would find it very amusing when the tattoo artist was doing all the tattoos wrong or drawing pictures of skelingtons when she actually wanted a rose!

 She definitely has a good sense of humour as I recall she once saw an old man topple off his disabled buggy and she laughed uproariously.

 Please let me know when you will need me to bring my friend.

 All the best

 R.Lafemme




Subject:  Prankox
From:  Tiger Aspect

Hi Rou,

 Sorry for the delay to your email.  Are you still interested in being involved in the show?

 Do you think that your friend Gill would be a good candidate for the Tattoo prank?

 Thanks

 Charlotte


To:  Tiger Aspect
Subject: Prankox

Hello Charlotte

Or course I still want to be involved as I belive their is nothing more important than the good work done by the people in the television industry. For instance I doubt very much my parent's marriage would have lasted so long did they not have the 'goggle box' to distract them.

I think my friend Gill would make an excellent candidate for the tatoo pranks as she is extremely trusting and tends to react explosively to bad news. She does however have an excellent sense of humour and is always telling jokes i.e Q. Where do shoes come from? A. Schubert!

All the best

R.LaFemme


Subject:  Prankox
From:  Tiger Aspect

Hi Rou,

Love the joke!!  I also think the TV has kept my parents marriage together too!

 Anyway Gill sounds great and exactly the sort of person we are looking for.

The set up is going to be next Thursday (26th Aug) at a Tattoo Parlour in Leicester Square.  It will be around 2-3pm.

Is that going to be feasible?  If so it would be great if I could give you a call.  What is your mobile number?

Thanks

Charlotte x

 

To:  Tiger Aspect
Subject: Prankox

Dear Charlotte

I’m glad you enjoyed the joke although I’m sure you would agree that the breakdown of a marriage is no laughing matter.

 It sounds feasible but I will have to find out what Gill is up to that day I think she normally does Shaq-Fu on a Thursday but I’m sure she would miss it if I offered to buy her a tattoo!

I’m not exactly sure I know where Leicester Square is though, is it near the big Odeon? If you could give me some directions that would be great.

 Unfortunately I do not have a mobile telephone at present as Gill actually threw mine in the river as a joke. (She said she wanted to see Time Fly) Hence why I want to play a practical joke on her. She has ordered me a new one from the carphone warehouse but they seem to be taking ages. In my opinion it’s more like the carphone whorehouse!

I will let you know the number as soon as my new phone comes.

 All the best

 R.LaFemme

 P.S I’m very interested to know about this funny tattoo you will be giving to gill, could you let me know some details or is it all top secret? I for one would find it highly amusing if the ‘tattoo artists’ continually made racist remarks and said they were going to draw on swastikas!



Subject:  Prankox
From:  Tiger Aspect

Hi Rou,

 The ideas is that Olivia plays the part of the Terrible Therapist/Tattooist.

She will, for example, give Gill a Tattoo consultation and advise her on different styles of Tattoos.  She is quite crude and will probably suggest having a rude symbol on her back/shoulder.  Weirdly we were thinking a Swastikas!!

 Anyway it will only be a consultation so nothing permanent.

 The venue is called Extreme Needle and is near Leicester Square in Central London.  The big Odeon is in Leicester Square.  Do you live in London?

 Let me know if this could work ?

 Thanks

 Charlotte



To:  Tiger Aspect
Subject: Prankox

Dear Charlotte

 That sounds pretty funny but I think it would be much funnier if you said you were doing the tattoo i.e. on Gill’s back and then pretended you were tattooing her but really you were just scratching her with a needle from a record player. Either that or you could draw on a rude symbol with a felt pen and say it was a ‘new sort of tattoo’.

 As for the Swastikas you could probably say that “Great minds think alike.”  However I do worry that it might be a little controversial for some viewers and wouldn’t like to become embroiled in an Andrew Sachgate type situation. (For some reason people seem to object to using Nazi paraphernalia  for comic purposes. Political correctness gone mad if you ask me! Maybe they should be more concerned about the man I saw in HMV who actually did have a swastika tattoo ON HIS FACE.) As I say I was a little worried so I thought of some other things that she might suggest.

 1. Mens “Organs”

 2. Swear words.

 3. Womens “Organs”

 I don’t live in London but I can easily get their. It’s very odd as I go to that big Odeon all the time and never knew it was in ‘Leicester Square’!  I think I vaguely know where you mean though, does the shop say “Extreme Needle” on the front or is that a different shop?

 I think this may well work but I am still waiting to hear from Gill on what she is doing that day. She is a real scatter brain and never looks at her emails! (I would phone her but as previously stated she has cast my phone into the river)

 All the best

 R.LaFemme



P.S On a personal note I am quite a big fan of Olivia if you know what I mean. Do you think we might get the chance to meet her after the prank and have a ‘few words’.? It would certainly make my day!


Subject:  Prankox
From:  Tiger Aspect

Oh dear,  I’m an idiot.  Who are you?

 To be honest alarm bells did starting ringing after Shaq-Fu, zero knowledge of Leicester Square and your phone being thrown in the river.

Who are you?  Part of the evil Charlie Brooker gang?  You pesky Zeppotron kids.


To:  Tiger Aspect
Subject: Prankox

"Charlie Brookers gang" - If only!

It took the man from Come Dine with Me about a month to work out so you aren't that much of an idiot.

All the best

- R. LaFemme

LaFemme's Pen(S) - Gorgeous

To:  Endemol
Subject: Gorgeous

Dear the people from behind big brother (George Orwell and Jon Hurt perhaps?)

I heard you were looking for good looking people who are HARD WORK and let me tell you there is no one harder to work and more drop dead gorgeous than my good friend Morris Baldwin.  He has all the chiselled features of a statue made by a serious artist i.e not someone on an arts and crafts course where you get an NVQ at the end. I mean a proper sculptor who has got A-Level standard fine art and could have their work displayed in the Yorkshire sculpture park! It may not sound like much but on the way back from Disneyland I saw a Chinese man reading the in-flight magazine that was about all the attractions of the North. Yorkshire Sculpture park was on the front cover and let me tell you that the man looked very impressed. After that he stopped looking at the magazine and tried to watch me playing my PSP from the corner of his eye.  If I was him I would have brought my own entertainment instead of trying to steal some from me. Even if he hadn’t brought anything to do he could have looked at the catalogue for ordering snacks and teddy bears dressed as pilots. He could have even wondered what would happen if a man with a small head ordered that bear then put the pilot hat on his own head and said “I am the pilot, that man is an impostor”.  It’s unlikely that he would manage to take over the plane but he would probably cause some unrest because even if you didn’t believe him it would have caused a nagging doubt that the man flying the plane was just a teddy bear with a man’s clothes on and then pilot clothes over the top.

The point being that Morris Baldwin could even turn that mans head even though he would be surrounded by Air Hostesses.  But let me tell you how hard to deal with he can get, for a start whenever I try to touch his features he gets very angsty about it. It’s not like I can absorb his good looks through my hand IM NOT MICHAEL MORBIUS. Furthermore he often spends upwards of two hours in the toilets combing his hair and putting on his makeup, doesn’t he know that natural beauty can shine through?

He is also a very demanding man. For instance one time he started writing “Give me crisps” on a paper and then he showed the paper at people until they gave him crisps but he didn’t just show it at a safe distance he put it right in their faces and it made them quite uncomfortable at the invasion of personal space. At the time Terrence Incognito claimed that Morris had done a paper cut on his eye but he was just lying to get some attention.  It made everyone aware of how dangerous Morris was being so we had to give him some crisps.
Another time he decided he wanted to bring back all the heroes of history by sheer force of will so he tried to look very closely at a book of history until the people came out of it. Unfortunately this did not work because he got distracted by watching a particularly amusing episode of Drake and Josh; also he wasn’t looking at a history book he was looking at an electricity bill. The bill did get paid without him doing anything but I think he had already set it up as a direct debit.

This is why I think he would be an ideal candidate to go on your programme.

All the best

- R.LaFemme



Subject:  Gorgeous
From:  Endemol

Thank you very much for getting in touch with Endemol regarding the new TV project we are developing.
The makers of Big Brother are looking for beautiful people to take part in the development of a new TV project that takes a fun look at good-looking, demanding, high-maintenance characters and the lifestyles they lead.

We would love to find out more about you, or the person that you are nominating so please can you complete the following information. Please remember that the more information the better so please make sure you give full answers to all the questions.

 Please email the below information to gorgeous@endemoluk.com ASAP, along with photographs of yourself / the person you are nominating. You can send as many as you like. It is preferred that you send non-modeling photographs so we can see the ‘real  you’.

**** WE CANNOT PROCESS YOUR APPLICATION WITHOUT PHOTOGRAPHS!****

 Please note that the project is currently in development and is not currently intended to be broadcast.



To:  Endemol
Subject: Gorgeous

Full name of person to appear :
Morris Krintos Baldwin
Full name, phone and email contact details of person nominating the person named above (if relevant):
Rou LaFemme  
 r.lafemme@hotmail.com
01206 581897
Occupation:
Facebook promotions captain
Age:
25

All contact numbers:
(mobile / landline / work)
I’m afraid Morris Baldwin refuses to use a telephone as he thinks people should make the effort to speak to him face to face or it can't be that important. I once asked him what would happen if it was an urgent message and he said "Then let them run quick".

Email address:
rustan_fan@hotmail.com

Where do you live?:
(Please specify if you are not from the place you live)
Morris lives in a town called Murry just south of Kent.

Tell us all about yourself / the person you’ve nominated:
(What’s your personality like, what’s important to you, who you live with, do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend etc? Write as much as you can)

Let me tell you that Morris Baldwin has a heart of gold - cold and yellow! He only ever thinks of himself and how he can improve his standing in society for example by trying to make friends with members of the upper classes. He dosent have a girlfriend but he always says he will never meet anyone up to his standards however he does share a flat with our mutual friend Loz and I think they share "special benefits" In fact I know they do as she often rings me up crying asking why Morris Baldwin won't aknowledge her in public but in private he has all the knowledge he wants. The only other thing is that he is constantly playing Tak and the power of juju and saying "The sequel should have been called Tak and the power of Ju 2"

 Why do you think you’re well-suited to this TV project? (or why the person you’ve nominated is well-suited):
(Feel free to describe yourself, tell us as many funny stories as you like. Also let us know what other people think of you. What are you most well-known for? Etc)

Morris Baldwin is a bit of a local celebrity around Murry and whenever people see him they say "Oh well here comes Morris broad grin" as he makes them all grin by how self obsessed he is. It is well documeneted that he has never been able to walk past a mirror. I remember one time he nearly got stuck in some wet cement outside of a mirror shop , lucky for him the shop shut and the shutters went down before the cement hardened. I knew about this because I had seen him and tried to alert him to the situation but he just said it was "no big deals" and shooed me away.
NB. Please make sure you have their consent to give us their details and to contact them about this project.

Morris Monster Jokes - Mummy

Mummy Jokes

Q. What did the explorer say when he saw the mummy?
A. Oh no!

Q. Who is Mummy married to?
A. Another Mummy!

Q. What happened to the Mummy’s plans?
A. They were unravelled!

Q. What do Mummys eat?
A. Plaster!

Q. Why do Mummys wear all those bandages?
A. Because of all the ‘injuries’!

Q. What is a Mummys favourite band?
A. The Wrapson Five!

Q. Who is the Mummy’s favourite poet?
A. Tutenkhamun Afrika!

Q. What does the Mummy play with?
A. Toys!

Q. Where did the Mummy find it?
A. He found it in ‘de Nile!

Q. Who is the Mummy’s favourite character on Frasier?
A. Cam Winston!

Q. What must you never ask a Mummy?
A. It’s Band-age!

Q. Mummy, Mummy I think I’m a pair of curtains!
A. All thanks to my curse!

Q. Who does the Mummy call when he moves house?
A. The Pharaoh!

Q. What does the Mummy have on his cornflakes?
A. Sarcophocustard!

Q. What is the Mummy’s favourite film?
A. The Mummy returns!

Q. What do you call a Mummy with one eye?
A. MMMY!

Q. What do you do if you see a Mummy?
A. Give her some space!

Q. When is a door not a door?
A. When it’s a canopic jar!

Q. How many Mummys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two, one to change it and one to bandage around!

Q. What song do Mummys sing?
A. The Mummy anthem!

Q. How do Mummys show their disapproval?
A. Tuts!

Q. Why should you not annoy a Mummy?
A. It ‘winds’ him up!

Q. What do you get if you cross a Mummy with a sheep?
A.  A woolly shambles!

Q. What do Mummy’s drink?
A. Yedigun!

Q. Where do Mummys go on holiday?
A. Butlins!

Q. What did the Mummy study at Univeristy?
A. ‘Subjects’!

Q. Did you hear about the Mummy artist?
A. He was highly aflamed!

Q. What do you say to a Mummy?
A. Hello Mum!

Q. Did you hear about the Mummy that was abducted by aliens?
A. It was ab-duck-ted!

Q. Who is the worlds most famous Mummy?
A. Simon Pegg!

Q. Why was the Mummy in a hurry?
A. He had been listening to Jennifer Rush!

Morris Monster Jokes - Fish and Piano Jokes

Fish and Piano Jokes

Q.What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?
A. You can Fish a piano but you can’t tune a piano!

Q. What is the difference between you and me?
 A. I can reach the tuna but you cant tuna fish!

Q.You can pi and ano but?
A. You can't tuna piano!

Q.Tuna fish but you can’t tune a fish but you can tune a piano but you can't tuna piano
A. But you can Tuna fish (in a tin)!

Q. Whats the difference between fishing for piano’s and tuning for fish?
A. You can fish for pianos but you can't tune for fish!

Q. What do you get of you cross a piano with a fish?
A. A pianoed fish!

The Wazzer.

Delightful Birthday salutations from the space year 2009 in the form of a classic Britain comic.

Morris Monster Jokes - Frankenstein

Frankenstein Jokes

Q. What do Frankensteins eat?
A. Nuts N Volts!

Q. What is Frankenstein’s favourite magazine?
A. Bolts monthly!

Q. What do Frankensteins wear?
A. Clogs!

Q. What do you call a Frankenstein that is good at cooking?
A. Fran Cook Stein!

Q. Where do Frankensteins do their shopping?
A. In the Baltic!

Q. Why did the Frankenstein cross the road?
A. To see his ‘friends’!

Q. How many ears does Frankenstein have?
A. A right ear, a left ear and a wild bolt ear!

Q. What is Frankenstein’s favourite animated film about a dog?
A. All dogs go to heaven!

Q. Why does Frankenstein have such big hands?
A. For holding his cups!

Q. Who is Frankenstein’s favourite on mock the week?
A. Russell How-ard!

Q. How do you make a Frankenstein blind?
A. Push it in a lake!

Q. Why did Frankenstein kill all the villagers?
A. Because he had a ‘screw loose’!

Q. How does Frankenstein contact his friends?
A. Faceghoul!

Q. What does Frankenstein say when someone gives him a drink?
A. Danken –Stein!

Q. Why isn’t Frankestein allowed to use the sellotape?
A. he gets all ‘caught up’ in it!

Q. Knock Knock. Who’s there?
A. Frankenstein chances of winning!

Q. What is Frankenstein’s favourite herb?
A. Frankenthyme!

Q. What do you call a Frankenstein with a spade?
A. Digson of Dock Green!

Q. Where does Frankenstein work?
A. Carphone scarehouse!

Q. Where does Frankenstein live?
A. Next door to you!

Q. What is Frankenstein’s favourite fruit?
A. Franken-lime!

Q. What is Frankenstein’s girlfriend called?
A. Bride of Frankenstein!

Q. How does Frankenstein tidy up his nails?
A. He uses a nail file!

Q. If Frankenstein was a rapper would his name be Frankenrhyme?
A. No it would be Dr Voltz!

Q. Knock Knock. Who’s there?
A. Frank …with a surprise!

Q. Who is Frankenstein’s favourite character on Seinfeld?
A. George Frankensteinbrenner!

Q. What do you get if you cross a Transformer with a Frankenstein?
A. Optimus Stein!

Q. Where do Frankensteins live?
A. France!

Q. What kind of Frankenstein makes milk?
A. Stripy Stein!

Q. What is Frankenstein’s special move?
A. Stein Rush!

Q. What team does Frankenstein support?
A. The Ghostly Rovers!


Q. What happened when Frankenstein went to the party?
A. He had a ‘smashing’ time!


Q. How do you start a Frankenstein race?
A. Ready Teddy Go!

Q. Did you hear about the Frankenstein that ate his own shoes?
A. He wanted to piece them together!

Q. What does a Frankenstein do when he see’s an elephant in his pyjamas?
A. He just grins and steins it!

Q. What did the policeman say to the Frankenstein?
A. Easy now!

Q. Why did the boy get killed at the traffic lights?
A. Because Frankenstein was their!

Q. What happened when the Hulk met Frankenstein?
A. An awkward silence!

Q. Where did Frankenstein go to school?
A. All over the place!

Q. Why was Frankenstein in jail?
A. He had committed a Franken-crime!

Q. What happened when Frankenstein heard the joke?
A. He was in stitches!

Q. What do you get when you cross Frankenstein with a bear?
A. The mighty Bear!

Dr. Vandleroy - Vier und Zwanzig

LaFemme's Pen(S) - Funk to Funky.

To:  The BBC
Subject: Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky.

Dear the BBC

As I understand it Britain's number one coma fantasy show Ashes to Ashes Funk to Funky will soon be reaching its inevitable conclusion. (The woman dies - I'm right aren't I?) First of all let me say well done on a job adequately performed but also let me say CALM DOWN. I know that you're probably panicking wondering what to do now and how in the name of our lord Osiris you are going to fill the gap in the schedule. At this minute you're probably sat with your head in your hands "just what do I do now? I have NOTHING NOTHING. I can't lose another job not at my age, what will the wife think."  Clenching and unclenching your fists, crying and perhaps even rending your garments in despair. Just take a breath, think of the children and put the knife down ok. I'm here to help.

 Right so far we have had two successful series Life on Mars which about someone having a coma fantasy in the (19)70's and Ashes to Ashes Funk to Funky which was about someone having a coma fantasy in the (19)80's. So what could possibly follow that? Two good series and then where? Do we just flush this idea down the drain alongside Cadfael 2010 and Jonathan Creek VS Kingdom? Of course not! As I have thought of a brilliant follow up - a series about a coma fantasy set in the (19)90's. Yes I know "How did I ever come up with that?" to be honest I don't know where I get my ideas from they just sort of appear from out of the ether. Some might say these are the early signs of genius but I simply think of it as having a special gift from the heavens. (Perhaps as a child I was visited by the Archangel Uriel?)

 Anyway rather than try to explain my idea, I have done a bit of a sample script to give you a feel for what I'm talking about. I've dabbled in scriptwriting before but I'm sure you'll agree this is my best effort yet. For you this is a good thing because my other efforts weren't half bad!


"I'm afraid of Americans" - episode 1

Int a police station - the modern times. Some police are planning the police missions for the day. Police Chief Fashanu is drawing on a big white board and there are pictures of a famous murderer called Zach the Knife.

Police Chief Fashanu: Now listen here we have to catch Zach the Knife before he does anymore crimes so I want you to all get of your arse and GET LOOKING.

 Constable Barrensburgh: But chief, we've been searching for five months now and never found anything. I think this Zach the Knife is un-capturable and possibly invisible.

 Police Chief Fashanu: Well what do you suggest we do Barrensburgh!!!?? We can't just let him go about indiscriminately murdering prostitutes and also others.

 The door opens and Bolivar Crank saunters in wearing one of those red and white jacket things like they used to wear on Happy Days.

Bolivar Crank: The pattern of the murders and the slope of his eyebrows suggest he has a base of operations exactly...

 He scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it over to Constable Barrensburgh

 Bolivar Crank: Here get a swat team and have them check this address, you'll find your serial killer.
 Constable Barrensburgh: Thanks mister but how did you...

 Bolivar Crank: I'm an American Mr Barrensburgh.

 Police Chief Fashanu: Ahh you must be our new American officer on a special exchange trip from America.

 Bolivar Crank: That's right and may I say it's a pleasure to be serving with you limeys and I hope we'll all become "good moites"

 The radio crackles and Chief Fashanu listens in for a while.

 Chief Fashanu: That was Barrensburgh they just apprehended Zach the Knife, with extreme prejudice. Just how did you know where he was going to be?

 Bolivar Crank: I'm an American sir. Oh and sir I caught a couple of muggers on the way here, can you have your men get them out of my car - its parked out front. I'd do it myself but I'm taking the rest of the day off.

 He saunters out of the office.

 Chief Fashanu: What a guy!

 Ext - outside police headquarters. Bolivar Crank walks out of the headquarters quickly followed by female P.C Tangfastic.

 P.C Tangfastic: I saw you in there; you're an American aren't you?

 Bolivar Crank: That's right little lady. Say you wouldn't like to go out on a date with someone from the U.S of A would you? It’s just I'm new in town and I'm not sure what you limeys do for your leisure (leeshure) time.

 PC Tangfastic: Well we could meet at the club and go clubbing then if you're lucky I'll show you what us Brits really do for fun. Seductive wink.

 Bolivar Crank: Ok baby, see ya later cos right now I gotta go pee.

He saunters off

 PC Tangfastic: Breathily What a guy!

 Int - A modern day’s night club. The David Bowie song I'm afraid of Americans is playing.

Bolivar Crank: So wadda you havin?

 PC Tangfastic: Ill have a pint o beer love.

 Bolivar Crank: Wow you limeys sure know how to party. He turns to the bartender.
Hey barkeep a pint for my "moite" hear and Ill have a Banana Daquari - on the rocks.

 Bartender: Very well sir. He gives them the drinks.

 They take sips of the drinks, put them down then go off and dance a bit. A mysterious and shady figure skulks up to the UNATTENDED DRINKS.

 Romulon: Ah a Daquari, without a doubt that would be the drink of a lovely lady. Mayhap I shall pop yonder tablet into the brew and then make my approach when the drug begins to weave its wicked spell.

He puts a mysterious pill in the drink that fizzes away and skulks back into some shadows.

 Bolivar Crank and PC Tangfastic return to the table

 PC Tangfastic: Well Mr Crank you Americans certainly know your way around the dance floor, but how about the BEDROOM floor?

 Bolivar Crank: Now that's special relationship I'd like to be a part of. Just let me finish my drink. He gulps down the drink, immediately his eyes turn green and he starts to fall.

 Bolivar Crank: Something in my drink....arghhh....American physiology ....not used to British...drugssssss....

 The picture whites out, we hear PC Tangfastic screaming "Quick bring a biro, he's fainted"

 Int - A bedroom. Bolivar Crank wakes with a start

 Bolivar Crank: Woah! That was some bad juju. Least I got to my apartment, but I better not be late for work.

 He grabs his coat and sets off for the police headquarters. He passes a man wearing parachute pants, a jogger listening to a portable CD player and some girls wearing "girl power" tops.

Bolivar arrives at the police headquarters.

 Bolivar Crank: Phew Just made it.

 He enters the police headquarters but is shocked to find that all the flat screen computers have been replaced with bulkier models! (We hear "Dub b good to me" by Beats International)

 Bolivar Crank: Hey what the dilly oh!?! What's going on here?

 90's Policeman: What do you mean sir?

 Bolivar Crank: I mean what's with all the antique hardware my man!

90's Policeman: But sir these are the very latest computers complete with windows 95 which is the latest software available this year, which is 1995 as well you know.

 Bolivar Crank: Oh I get it, having a joke on the dumb yank! Well we're all moites here but enough with the joke where's the boss?

 90's Policeman: I'm sure I don't know what you're going on about sir. The guvna is in his office if his office if you'd like to see him though.

 Sweeping shot to the door of the office which opens to reveal the figure of 90's Gene Hunt (We hear "R U Ready for this" by 2Unlimited)

 Gene Hunt: Oi you bunch of nonces, what's all the kafuffle? I’m in my office trying to catch SCUM and you are in here poncing about like the bleeding Tellytubbies.

 Bolivar Crank: Excuse me sir are you the boss? I'm the American exchange police man from America and...

 Gene Hunt: Oi, there's three things I don't like in my police force. The first thing is weedy men who don't agree with police brutality, the second is women and the third is yanks! But seen as you're here now we'll have to live with it won’t we? Come on Uncle Sam there's some baddie smugglers with a bunch of naughty Jurassic Park VHS videos down the docks. If you can deal with that then maybe I'll let you stay ere!

 Bolivar Crank: But...

 Gene Hunt: Oi, just come on!

 He drags him into a 90's fast car.

 Ext - The docks. Some smugglers in balaclavas are loading crates onto a truck.

 Garry Wilmot Smuggler: We've really done it this time. These hookey Jurassic Park VHS videos have a street value of over £500 punds which is quite a lot in this day and age, that is the 1990's!

 Andy Peters Smuggler: Yeah we'll be laughing all the way to Nat West!

 Gene Hunt and Bolivar Crank skid round the corner in a reckless manner. (We hear "Out of Space" by the Prodigy) They jump out of the car and attempt to accost the smugglers Gene Hunt manages to knock out Andy Peters smuggler with a patented Hunt punch. However Gary Wilmot smuggler knocks him over with an iron bar and runs away.

 Gene Hunt: Gahh he got away he's too far away for either of us to catch.

 Bolivar Crank: Maybe for you but this is how I roll!


 He draws his American police gun and shoots Garry Wilmot smuggler in the leg.

Garry Wilmot: Arghhh dammit!

 Gene Hunt: I knew there was something I liked about the yanks!

 They cuff him and Gene Hunt kicks him in the leg.

Garry Wilmot: Argghhhhhhhhh

 Int - the 90's bar (We hear 'Deeply Dippy' by Right Said Fred) the police are all sat around the table having drinks.

 Gene Hunt: Well here's to the Yanks they aren't completely awful!


 Bolivar Crank: Glad to be on the team Mr Hunt.


 Suddenly the room goes all funny and an echoey voice happens.

Echoey voice: Wake up Bolivar...quick get the stomach pump.

 Bolivar shakes his head confused.

 To be continued....


Subject:  Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky

From: The BBC

Dear Mr Lafemme

Thanks for your e-mail.

I understand that you've come up with an idea for a new programme to fill the gap in the schedules when 'Ashes to Ashes' ends.

I'm sure you'll understand that each year we receive tens of thousand of programme ideas, many of which are similar, and we can only use a small proportion.  In order to prevent misunderstandings, I should make it clear that we can't accept any obligation to pay for a programme suggestion, or to use one particular suggestion in preference to another.

Should you wish further information regarding the BBC commissioning process for new programmes, please visit our commissioning website at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/commissioning/

This offers advice and information on the development and submission of your idea.

You may also wish to visit the BBC Writers' Room.  This offers detailed advice for future submissions to the BBC, as well as general advice on writing for television and radio.  Please visit: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/

I'd like to assure you that we have registered your comments on our audience log.  This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management.  It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.

 Thanks again for taking the time to write to us with your proposal.

Regards

 Lazer Level

BBC Complaints

To:  The BBC
Subject: Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky.

Does this mean that you will be using my idea but you are just being a bit cagey because you're scared I might sue you or something? Don’t worry I’m giving you the idea for free and gratis, I just want to do my bit for the BBC - I’m not even asking for a credit. (Although it would be nice if I got a bit of a mention somewhere or maybe a cameo appearance)

All the best

- R.LaFemme



Subject:  Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky

From: The BBC

Dear Mr LaFemme

Thanks for your further e-mail.

We note that you're offering your idea to the BBC for free and we can assure you that we're not being cagey.

Again, we'd advise that you submit your suggestion via the BBC Commissioning website at:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/commissioning/

Thanks for your interest in our programmes and for taking the time to contact us.

Regards

Jonathan Crane

BBC Complaints

LaFemme's Pen(S) - Over the Rainbow

To:  Lloyd Webber
Subject: Over the rainbow

Over The Rainbow online application form
Please make sure you fill out all the relevant pieces of information on the form.
The fields marked with an asterisk are compulsory.
Make sure you read the terms and conditions and the BBC privacy policy before applying.
All applicants must have been aged 16 or over by 26 June 2009.
The information you submit will be used by FremantleMedia and the BBC only for the purposes of making the Over The Rainbow programme. For information provided by telephone, the BBC and FremantleMedia will engage the services of an additional processor, Harvest Media Group to assist collection of the data.

Personal Details
* First name:  Rou
Middle name:  Eisenheim
* Last name:  LaFemme
Name known by:  Rozle
* Nationality:  Latverian
* Occupation:  Mechanical Bull Installation Technician

About you:
* Describe yourself and explain why we should choose you!
I’m probably the most exuberant person you could meet, my many friends claim that I exude charm from every position. Also I have a strong voice that can sometimes make people have emotions. i.e. sad or happy

* Have you had any professional training? (e.g. singing, acting or dance lessons) If yes, please give details.
 I attended a one week drama course at Stockhaven College where at the end of the week we performed
Alice in wonderland using paper Mache balloon heads.

 * Have you had any professional experience? (i.e. paid for work) If yes, please give details.
 No I was just waiting there.

 * Have you auditioned for other talent shows? If yes, please give details.
I auditioned for being on Britain has talent but I was actually dragged into it by my friend Moris Baldwin who wanted me to assist him in his ill fated magic act. "Wonderousity"

* Have you been on TV before? If yes, please give details.
 Only in an electronically obscured fashion.

 

Subject:  Over the rainbow
From:  Lloyd Webber

Dear potential Dorothy,

Congratulations! We are delighted to offer you an audition for 'Over the Rainbow' the new BBC Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber TV search for a West End leading lady to play the part of Dorothy in the legendary musical The Wizard of Oz.
Your MANCHESTER AUDITION details are as follows:
Date: Saturday 30th January 2010
Time: 1:30 PM
Venue: MANCHESTER UNITED FOOTBALL STADIUM, Old Trafford, Manchester, M16 0RA
Directions to this venue are included at the end of this letter.
Your audition session begins at 1:30 PM although you will have to wait to be seen.

GOOD LUCK!
The 'Over The Rainbow' Team


Subject:  Over the rainbow
From:  Lloyd Webber

Hi There,

This is just a very brief message from the casting team on 'Over the Rainbow' the BBC and Andrew Lloyd Webbers new search for Dorothy for the west end.

By now you should have received your audition details concerning the auditions on SATURDAY 30TH FEBRUARY at 1.30pm at Old Trafford in Manchester. We are getting in touch with people now so we can establish who is definitely turning up for their audition and who is not, as we dont want to have any empty spaces and someone missing out on the opportunity to audition.

It would be great if you would be able to reply directly to this email with a definite yes or no telling us whether you will be attending your assigned slot on Saturday. If we do not hear from you we will try and contact you later this week.

All the best and we look forward to hearing from you.

The OVER THE RAINBOW team! x



To:  Lloyd Webber
Subject: Over the rainbow

Dear Friend of Lloyd Webber

It is with much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments that I inform you that I will not be able to attend the audition that you offered me. This is mostly because my Uncle Pete is going into hospital that day to have an operation on his big fingers. It will be a long procedure but the doctor is confident he will be able to pick up a spice rack again.
        Further to this I have been offered the role of a subbuteo man  in Toy Story the musical and although it is a small part I feel in the long run it will be better for my career. (Omid Djalili is playing Mr Potato head or Mr potate as they say in France even though really it should be Monsieur Pommes)

All the best

- R.LaFemme

Monster Morris Jokes - Vampire

Vampire Jokes

Q. Who is your favourite Vampire?
A. Fantastic Sam!

Q. What do Vampires eat?
A. Anything they like!

Q. Where do Vampires go on Holiday?
A. Campsylvania!

Q. Why did the Vampire blush?
A. Because the ‘Mummy Weed’!

Q. What car does a Vampire drive?
A. Graggle Car mrk11

Q. Why didn’t the Vampire go to the party?
A. On ‘reflection’ he didn’t have the time.

Q. What does count Dracula have on his scones?
A. Dracula Jam

Q. What did the Vampire say to the Werewolf?
A. Nothing as he did not know him very well.

Q. What’s the difference between a Vampire and Bilstein?
A. You can Hayato but you can’t vamp-ire!

Q. What is a Vampires Sunday best?
A. Proton Fangon

Q. What is a Vampires favourite band at the weekend?
A. Vampire Weekend!

Q. Where do Vampires work?
A. The book factory!

Q. Who is the fastest Vampire?
A. Count Frantox!

Q. What is a Vampires favourite film?
A. Kronks New Groove!

Q. Where do Vampires get their capes washed?
A. Clean-u-cape!

Q. How long do Vampires wait to get keys cut?
A. Ages!

Q. What do you call a Vampire with one eye?
A. Doyouthinkhesaurus: fang edition!

Q. What TV series features Vampires solving crimes?
A. The Vampwire!

Q. What do you say to a Vampire with no ears?
A. Nothing as his teeth are working overtime!


Q. Why couldn’t the Vampire programme the sat nav?
A. Hare power!

Q. Who upholds Vampire law?
A. The long arm of the claw!

Q. Where do Vampires go to school?
A. Castleton!

Q. What does a Vampire do at cricket?
A. Hold the coats!

Q. How did the Vampire’s date go?
A. Badly!

Q. What do female vampires use?
A. Vamp-ons!

Q. Who won the Vampire Boxing?
A. Mike Dyson!

Q. How does Count Orlock solve I.T problems?
A. He ‘its it! (With a vampire club)

Q. What did I dream about last night?
A. Vampires!

Q. What is a Vampires favourite flavour of icecream?
A. Cold!

Q. What size shoe is Count Dracula?
A. Drac-10

Q. Who is the best Vampire chef?
A. Count Spatula!

Q. Where does Dracula get his clothes?
A. Marks and Vampires!

Q. What do Vampires drink?
A. Fangs!

Q. Knock Knock, Who’s there?
A. Vampires!

Q. What is Dracula’s favourite game?
A. Fangopoly!

Q. What is a Vampires favourite comedy panel show?
A. Orlock the week!

Q. What do you get if you cross a sheep with a Vampire?
A. A wooly teether!

Q. Why did the Vampire start wearing makeup?
A. He was looking rather ‘pale’!

Q. Who is the most famous Vampire football player?
A. Glen Hoddle!

Q. Why did the Vmapire go to the archery lesson?
A. He thought they said “Artery lesson”!

Q. What do Vampires wear on hen nights?
A. Nosferatu-tus!

Q. What’s black, white and red all over?
A.  Van Papen!

Q. What newspaper do Vampires read?
A. The Daily Bulge!

Q. Why do Vampires wear gloves?
A. So they get away with ‘crimes’!

Q. Where does a Vampire keep the andes?
A. Under his sleevies!

Q. Did you hear about the Vampire that went to sea?
A. He ‘thought’ an Octopus!

Q. What’s the difference between a Vampire and a Kangaroo?
A. One has a pouch and hops the other pulls out all the stops!

Q. Which hotel do vampires stay at?
A. Lenny Inn!

Q. What did the Vampire do at the beach?
A. Build ‘Fangcastles’!

Q. Who is the strongest Vampire?
A. Jimmy Corkula

Q. Who is Count Orlock’s favourite character in Star Wars?
A. Nosferar2 D2!

Q. A woman came up to Dracula and says “your fattist”
A. He bit her!

Q. How did the Vampire become HIV positive?
A. He had unprotected hex!

Q. Where did the vampires go for their lunch?
A. KFDC (Kentucky Fried Dracula Chicken)!

Q. What’s Dracula’s favourite song?
A. Fangsters Paradise!

Q. Did anyone realise that Alucard was Dracula spelled backwards?
A. No, nobody realised that Alucard was Dracuala spelled backwards!

Q. What is a Vampire’s least favourite musical?
A. Van Helsinging in the rain!

Q. What is a Vampire’s favourite musical?
A. Van Helsoklahoma!

Q. Which Vampire won the pub quiz?
A. Vampire Confuser Gaz

Q. Who is the boss of the Vampires?
A. Bossington the third!

Q. What do you call someone who discriminates against Vampires?
A. Sensible!

Q. How do Vampires give birth?
A. Painfully!

Q. Who do Vampires admire?
A. Admirable Ali!

Retro Prefect: Yu Gi Oh!

Jonas Bruner has finally given me access to the inner workings of Retro Prefect. Let the golden age of games related nonsense commence.

New York is apparently ‘So good they named it twice’ in my opinion it has nothing to offer that old York didn’t, apart from the gun crime! Needless to say the adolescent version of me wasn’t too impressed by the Big Apple but then the only thing I have ever been properly impressed by was Jurassic Park and I later found out they weren’t real dinosaurs. What I did like about New York though was the fact that it had a giant Toys R Us featuring a model of the dinosaur from Jurassic park, a Lego Darth Vader and most importantly of all a games department full of delicious NTSC region games.
      
I knew this would be my only chance to ever purchase authentic American games so I had to choose carefully. Uncle Pete could only afford flights to the U.S because of September the 11th and the spectre of international terrorism wasn’t going to loom over us all forever. I had to make sure that I made a wise decision and chose games that had no chance of ever being released in the U.K. (Bear in mind that internet shopping was still an unknown quantity due to the vagaries of 56k dial up.)

How did I fare in my endeavours? I’ll let you be the judge…

* Samba De Amigo – Now released for the Wii but without the Sega game tunes. A marginal victory.

* Final Fantasy Tactics – Eventually released for the PSP but not for ages, it also featured a rubbish new translation which changed ‘Dorter Trade City’ to “The Market City of Dorter”. Another marginal victory.

* King of Fighters ’99 – SNK recovered from bankruptcy and issued compilations of everything also it’s a King of Fighters game. DISASTER.

* Yu-Gi-Oh: Forbidden Memories – Released the month after in the U.K. Another  P.R disaster.

And that my friends is the ludicrous preamble to my review of a Yu-Gi-Oh! game.

Forbidden Memories was designed by a man who had obviously once seen a clip of Yu-Gi-Oh! and then blagged his way through the interview by writing the names of the cards on his hands.

Max Pegs (Chief of card HR): So where do you see yourself in five years time?

Yuri O!: Probably Black Lustre Soldier.

Max Pegs: Hmm and why do you want to work for our company in particular?

Yuri O!: Well Twin Headed Thunder Dragon, Mystical Sands.

Max Pegs: Welcome to the company!

Yuri O!: Prodigal Sorcerer!

Max Pegs: Excuse me!?

Yuri O!: I mean um…Bolt Penguin.

Max Pegs: Ha Ha Ha Ha. Very Good Yuri, I like your style!

I say this because Yu-Gi-Oh!: Forbidden Memories in no way matches up to the rules of the card game as seen either in the TV series or in real life. In fact the cards aren’t even card shaped they are in fact square shaped. The game revolves around trying to get the post powerful card possible by fusing different combinations together. Of course these combinations actually make no real sense so it’s just a case of experimenting and then remembering some key combinations.
So ingrained into my mind are these combinations that I can still recite them now. (An amzing feat considering that I can’t remember anything from my degree)

Pot the Trick + Nekogal = Mystical Sands (21000 atk)

Thunder Dragon + Thunder Dragon = Twin Headed Thunder Dragon (24000)

These two combinations got me through a good third of the game by which point I had acquired the all powerful B.Meteor Dragon. If you can’t afford this game then a fairly good simulation would be to imagine a picture of a Witch on a Broomstick breaking pictures of insects and bolt penguins, then imagine a picture of a dragon with two heads breaking pictures of dragons with one head and ultra bolt penguins and finally imagine a picture of a large purple dragon breaking everything. I say pictures because their were 3D representations of the cards available but they looked like they were made of twigs and took ages to load and so were immediately turned off.

It wasn’t just the game mechanics that Yuri O! Couldn’t be bothered to look up on wikipedia. He also decided to invent his own story set in Egyptian times where you must face an evil Pharaoh named “Heishinn” a man with an unfeasibly large face. This is not necessarily as bizarre as the ‘Duelist of the Roses’ game for the PS2 which casts Yugi as Henry Tudor during the war of the roses but it certainly doesn’t help matters that one of the characters is a mysterious blue fellow named ‘Simon Munran’. The questions raised by his blue skin and resolutely non Egyptian name are never sufficiently answered. I expect a sequel “Simon Munran: Unlimited” was planned but ultimately never came to pass because Max Pegs overheard Yuri O! telling his wife how much he loved the Merfolk of the Pearl Trident.

Special mention has to go to the games soundtrack which is actually some of the best music I have ever heard. Unfortunately I am unable to convey these sounds through the medium of words so you will just have to look them up on You Tube or buy the official soundtrack if such a thing exists.

The final thing to say about Yu-Gi-Oh! forbidden memories is that I finished it the very same day I was interviewed on Sky news and made the stunning pronouncement “It’s quite worrying really…basically your life is ruined.” They might have asked me about A-Level results but I was thinking about the nefarious maze inhabited by the paradox brothers!

Overall I’m giving Yu-Gi-Oh!: Forbidden Memories a probably undeserved Pot the Trick out of a Celtic Guardian.

LaFemme's Pen(S) - Safety.

Subject:  Safety
From:  Safety Peoples

A group of Community Safety employees have come together to compete in a project for the Princes Trust which aims to raise £1,000,000 nationwide.  The team are provided with £500 of seed funding and have to make a minimum of £10,000 towards the national target.  We are competing in the North East against companies such as Starbucks and City of Sunderland College and we need your help to make the project a success!

 Do you have a talent for creative writing? Do you know someone who can produce amazing illustrations and would be willing to contribute their time and talent for charity? Do you have links to a printing firm who could give us discounted rates?
 We are looking to produce a Community Safety themed Children's Book and calendar featuring 'Cyril the Community Safety Squirrel' and we are looking for donations of time and expertise to design, illustrate and publish these. 

 If you are willing to help or know someone who is please contact Braun Hardwing on (details removed because of removed)



To:  Safety Peoples
Subject:  Safe

Dear Sir/Madam

I understand that you are currently looking for volunteers to help write a book about safety featuring Cyrus the Squirrel of safe. I think this is a brilliant idea! Safety is always the top priority in my book; I mean that metaphorically of course I have yet to own a book due to the unsafe nature of their corners. People say you can put corks on them, but what if they fall off?

As I was saying I would love to get involved in this project so I have provided some drawings that you might want to use in the book or even on the calendar. Hopefully together we can destroy the evil of unsafety, wherever it may lurk. (Often under bridges due to the broken glass left by tramps)

All the best
-          R.LaFemme

LaFemme's Pen(S) - The Crystal Maze.

To:  ITV
Subject: Crystal Maze

Dear Channel ITV

I heard it on the great-vine that you are bringing back the crystal maze but instead of Crystal O’ Brian it will be presented by a woman called Hol One (A robot?). I’m sure that will give all the men something to look at in between solving the puzzles! However I also have some ideas of my own which I think you would be interested to take a look at.

1. Instead of having Aztec Zone, Industrial Zone, Medieval Zone and Future Zone they should be called The Amid Zone, Today’s media Zone, Golden Era Zone and Wing Fortress Zone. Also there should be a secret zone called John Ronkersleys wonder zone where you have to go through a tunnel shaped like the mouth of John Ronkersley and then when you get to the end there is a mannequin of John Ronkersley saying “Welcome to my wonder zone”. Then it would be as if John Ronkersley was inside himself! The crystals in the John Ronkersley wonder zone are worth more time in the Crystal Dome because the games are more difficult and often involve broken glass bottles on sticks or having a staring contest against a poster of John Ronkersley. (Also the poster has ‘please blink’ written underneath)

2. The Crystal Dome should be renamed ‘the blowing circumfrence’ and there are more different coloured tokens which represent different mathematical functions such as pi or multiples of. When they have worked out all the tokens if they get over 12 then they can win a prize. Instead of shouting “Start the fans please” Hol One would throw a chain at the door.

3. All the games should be timed by Hans O’Clocken a comedy German pirate who has a clock in his stomach. (It was put there by the kings men to teach him a lesson) He would make banter with the challengers such as saying “Don’t be latey matey” or “Go faster peg leg”. When they get locked in for taking too long Hans would open his mouth and a cuckoo will come out on a spring. If the challengers want to buy the prisoners freedom they have to give a crystal to Hans and he will poke the cuckoo into the lock and open the door. This trade will be known as a “Cuckoo interface” and I think “Do you want to make a cuckoo interface?” will become a big catchphrase that you could print on mugs/T-shirts/bronze.

4. There will be a puppet of ‘mumsy’ that roams the crystal maze looking for her lost son. If it touches one of the contestants then they are absorbed by it and they have to play a special game against the puppet master. This is where they have to guess the identity of famous puppets the puppet master has made but the puppet master only has one eye so they aren’t a very good likeness. Also the puppet master will cheat as he makes the puppets jig around very quickly.

5. Sometimes the puppet master fires a missile out of his eye that you have to dodge.

6. A special tram would take people to different bits of the crystal maze but they have to keep putting coal into the trams engine or a dinosaur will chase them. If the dinosaur catches them then they lose all the crystals except one which the dinosaur doesn’t see because it was in the glove compartment for safe keeping.

Also I have some good ideas for new games which I’m sure you will be glad to hear.

Name: Imperial Crouton Lord
Category: Skill
Premise: The imperial crouton lord sits in the centre of a pedestal and you have to put things in his hands that weigh the same i.e. a brick in one hand and then two shoe boxes full off coins in the other. If The Imperial Crouton Lord is unbalanced then he is annoyed and does not give you the crystal and it is an automatic lock in. However if he is able to stay resting on his pedestal then his hat comes off and there is a crystal underneath.

Name: Txt the M8’s
Category: Physical
Premise: There is a giant phone keypad and the contestant has to do a message that is written on the wall by jumping up and down on the buttons. However the person has to convert the message into txt speak or it will use too many characters and you are on the last bar of battery. Also your mate Kevin Turner thinks punctuation is “well batty” so he will not send you a funny joke from jamster. If you are successful and you get the funny joke then the big mans head will open with guffaws and a crystal will come out as tears of laughter.

Name: Do Frosnock!
Category: Mental
Premise: There are letters on the floor and the message “Do Frosnock!” is on a plaque. The contestant has to arrange the letters into the word “Frosnock” if they are successful then a little slot in the ‘o’ of Frosnock opens and they get a crystal.

Name: Nudgell Condor Pole
Category: Skill
Premise: A bird made of rusty bikes is guarding some eggs but one of the eggs is actually a crystal! The contestant is given a special kind of pole and a map of where the crystal is, however they cannot see the bird and can only poke the pole through a hole in the wall. If they nudge the bird then it does a squawk and says “Never again to be at my eggs”. If this happens three times then the contestant is automatically locked in and they have to listen to the bird tell an amusing anecdote about Baz at work who is a right laugh. However if they manage to hook the crystal it will get knocked onto a log that comes towards the contestant.

Name: Aqua Room Zwei
Category: Physical
Premise: Aqua Room Zwei is full of holes and the water is all falling out. The contestant has to go underwater and repair the holes by putting in the shapes left behind by the chief engineer. (The chief engineer is afraid of swimming because he thought the sea might invade his privacy.) Once all the holes are blocked the fish are released from the holding bay and the contestant has to search them to find which one has the crystal. (It would be the on the freshwater Salmon – the most expensive of all fish and thus the one that would naturally have a crystal in its eye.) The team would be able to help the contestant by looking though portholes and signalling him with underwater flags that are unfurled when you say “flag now” into a microphone.


Name: Theatre of Shadow
Category: Mystery
Premise:  The room is totally dark apart from the illuminated crystal. It looks very easy for the contestant to head towards it. However there is a twist as there are several black objects on the floor which might cause the person to fall. Also every so often an Ian McKellen statue will light up and say “You shall not pass” and more objects such as nails. Spatula or object is dropped onto the floor.


I look forward to hearing from you in regard to my suggestions

All the best
- R.Lafemme

LaFemme's Pen(S) - Four Weddings.

Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

CALLING ALL BRIDES-TO-BE!!
ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED BETWEEN SEPT 09 – MARCH 10?
HAVE YOU ORGANISED THE WEDDING OF YOUR DREAMS?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO WIN A LUXURY HONEYMOON?

LIVING’S hit show ‘Four Weddings’ is back and we are looking for more brides-to-be to attend and score each other’s weddings. Each wedding will be scored on the venue, the food, the overall presentation and of course, the dress.  The bride with the best day will win the luxury honeymoon of their dreams!
For more info visit www.livingtv.co.uk/fourweddings and if you are interested please email me back emailaddress@itv.com for an application form!

Hurry we are casting now!


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean

It so happens that I have recently decided to be married in the time frame specified and would really like to take part in four weddings as I know that my ideas will put those of others to levels of shame.

All the best
- R.Lafemme


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi R.Lafemme

 Thank you for your interest! Could you answer the following quick questions please:
 Where are you getting married?

 How would you describe your wedding? E.g. traditional, princess like, low-cost no thrills etc
 What is the budget?

 Is your husband up for the show?

 How would you describe your personality?

 If we could also have your telephone number for future reference that would be fantastic!
 Look forward to hearing back from you.
 Dean Earwicker




To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean sorry I took so long in getting back but I was on a short 'practice honeymoon' if you know what I mean. Let me assure you I am more than anticipating going on this programme so please see my answers to the questions below.

    * Where are you getting married?
My Fiancé and I have booked the County Hall in Morpeth. It’s a grand old building dating back to at least 1976 with some impressive architecture that should provide an amazing backdrop for the day. Our evening events will also be held here at its world class conference facility (we had considered the Rigby Suite but there was no Adams Family pinball so it was left “off limits”)http://www.northumberland.gov.uk/

* How would you describe your wedding? E.g. traditional, princess like, low-cost no thrills etc
Well our wedding will actually be based on the events of Final Fantasy VIII as we are both massive fans. In fact it was how we met! (I was having an argument over the merits of the junction system with someone in Gamestation when my fiancé overheard and rallied to the defence of the overlong summon sequences. “Well you are meant to use that time to boost the summon!” It was love at first sight!)

Therefore our first dance will be “Eyes on me” by Faye Wong and will hopefully be reminiscent of the famous ballroom sequence! Also we will both be married wearing SeeD uniforms and the minister will be dressed as Mayor Dobe. I have also invited guests to dress as other characters and my dad has personally promised to come as Norg. Wedding favours will be triple triad cards featuring pictures of us! And we will be having an Elnoyle wedding cake (cut with a gunblade cake knife!) Of course we have already chosen griever wedding rings!

  * What is the budget?
We aim to spend about 7 and a half thousand punds but we will probably go over because I intend to pay for the bridesmaids to dress as Selphie and I really want the best man to be Seifer.

  * Is your husband up for the show?
Well actually I AM the husband as my fiancé has put me in charge of planning the wedding she is up for being on the show though and always enjoys watching it on the telly box. She says she really wants to win the holiday but hopes it’s nowhere where the people are untrustworthy (i.e. Canada)

   * How would you describe your personality?
I would say I am quite an antagonistic person and will often get into arguments, mostly about how the job system from Final Fantasy V wasn’t as good as everyone thinks it was. I do always tell people what I think though especially if I think something is tasteless or overly fancy. For instance on a home visit I told an old person that the cushions they had looked like a haggard face and I never worked for meals on wheels again.
I’m afraid I don’t have a phone number at present as in saving for the wedding I neglected to pay the man from BT his dues. However I will ask my boss if I can use the work telephone, I hope this would be
acceptable?

All the best
 - R.Lafemme


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Rou,
Your wedding sounds brilliant and unique! When are you getting married?
 Kind regards,
 Dean


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

I’m glad you like the sound of my wedding and appreciate its unique qualities (most people choose a FFVII wedding and make it all about the city of the ancients!) We are getting married next July (the 18th to be exact)

All the best

- R.Lafemme


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Rou,
 Your wedding sounds great, unfortunately it’s not within our timeframe, we finish filming for series 2 – March 2010.  Keep an eye out for series 3 though!
 Dean


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

After a few phone calls I have managed to bring forward the wedding to February 6th in order to make it available for the show. I hope this means you might reconsider us as I had to pay and not inconsiderable fee to re-book the hall. It was worth it though as we both love your show.

All the best

- R.Lafemme



Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Rou,

 Wow really didn't expect you to move your wedding date! Yea of course we will consider you.
 At the moment we are concentrating our efforts on show 2 (November Weddings) and your wedding date would fall under our show 11 bracket. I’ll be in touch in the new year for some more details.
 In the meantime, if you could find out whether your venue would have any objections to our filming, and then please forward me their contact details so we can discuss it with them further that would be fantastic!
 
Look forward to hearing back from you.
Dean


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Rou,

 The time has come and we are casting our show 11, I would love to speak to you more about your wedding! Have you got a telephone number now, I remember you saying you were disconnected last time.  If not I don't mind calling a work phone.

 I would need to speak to your partner too as it would be her who goes and score the other weddings.
 If you managed to speak to your venue too, please fill me in and pass on any details.
 
Look forward to hearing from you.
 Dean


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean

Wow I am so excited, to think its time already. In some ways its more exciting than the wedding as anyone can get married (even really ugly people thanks to the collapse of the communist dream) whereas very few people get to be on the television and even fewer get to be on Living as opposed to those channels my future wife no longer lets me watch. I don’t know why it’s not as if you can see that much! (Joking, you apparently see some in-depth stuff these days and that is not appropriate for a married man.)

Unfortunately I am still involved in a bit of a dispute over my phone line, mainly because the people from Virgin broadband are a lot greedier than they appear on the adverts. They may say one off connection fee, but who knows how many they will make you pay!? I will try and arrange with my boss for you to phone me at work as I’m not really supposed to take calls while on the job but I’m sure she will understand under the circumstances.

My fiancé says she would gladly speak with you but I must say I was looking forward to scoring the weddings myself seen as it was me that arranged most of the wedding and took the trouble to write to you. Is this another example of sexism in the media? I would hope not. The venue have no problem with you filming and I will pass on the details to you momentarily as I need to sort through my files to get them.

All the best

- R.Lafemme


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Rou,

 I'm glad you're excited, we are too! If you could arrange phone call whilst at work that would be terrific!  Would love to speak to you ASAP.
 
Kind regards,
Dean



To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean

Would it be possible to fill in the attached form so I can use the phone at work, its just a formality but my boss says we have to do everything "by the book". Thanks very much.

- Rou


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hey Rou,
 I've filled out the form.  Let me know when it is good to call.
 
Thanks,
Dean

To:  ITV
Subject:  R.LaFemme

Hello Mr Earwicker

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. I am Rou LaFemme's line manager Jonas Bruner and I understand you wish
to phone him in work hours in order to discuss a television program. (He handed in the form today) I am writing in order to check that this is
indeed why Mr LaFemme wants to use the phone. You see we had a small problem some time ago with a work experience
boy running up a huge phone bill calling 'lines of ill repute' so from now on we are very careful.

Between you and me I don’t really trust Rou, he has told lies in the past and I have heard that his wife doesn’t
even speak any English! However if you just confirm your intentions I will happily arrange the phone connection
personally.

Thank you for your time

- Jonas Bruner

Jonas Bruner
Amalgamation Manager
Mechanisation Division
Liono Du Cin


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Jonas,
Thanks for this. We are keen to speak to Mr LaFemme to discuss his wedding in more detail. Thank you for raising your concerns with regards to his past, is he getting married?

Thanks and Kind Regards
Mordecai



To:  ITV
Subject:  R.LaFemme

Hello Mordecai

I am always looking out for the chance to serve the media in some way. It was always a dream of mine to direct the pictures on the 'box of dreams' but I fell I am too old for that now. As concerned as I am about Mr LaFemme and his devious habits (he often rounds up his timesheets when he should fill them in to the minute) I am sure he is getting married as the day he announced it to the office I took the liberty of visiting the registry office to make sure the notification had been posted. Not only was his marriage announced (Rou LaFemme to marry Demiter Galskavich) but I was more surprised to find it was a wedding rather than a civil partnership!

I hope this helps

- Jonas Bruner
Jonas Bruner
Amalgamation Manager
Mechanisation Divsion
Liono Tu Cin

p.s I should mention that Rou is quite ugly and may be unfit for television, as for his wife I couldn’t comment but I doubt he
would do very well.


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean

Thank you very much for filling in that form, I don’t quite understand the reasons for it but we all have to conform to the bureaucracy! I did ask my boss today when the phone line would be set up as it’s normally done within a couple of days but he is being quite cagey about it. Has he been in contact with you yet? Hopefully we will get to speak soon.

All the best
-          R.LaFemme



Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hi Rou,

Yea we’ve been in touch; he had lots of good things to say about you!  Could you please send us a picture of you and Demiter.  Also what is your companies’ website? I couldn’t find it when I googled it and your boss has been messaging me off a hotmail account.

Regards,
Dean


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean

I’m glad my boss has good things to say about me I sometimes get the feeling he doesn’t like me but now I know he has been talking me up I can feel confident inviting him to the wedding. I have included a picture of me and my bride to be dressed in matching hats like all the best couples!
My company’s website is http://lionotucin.blogdrive.com/
I hope this helps take the 'weight from your soldiers' and I look forward to talking to you.

All the best

R. Lafemme

To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings
Hi Dean

I haven’t heard from you in a while and am getting a bit worried as the wedding is not too far away and Christmas is right round the corner. What will I tell my family at the annual festive nosh up? Is everything ok with my application?

All the best

- R.Lafemme


Subject:  4 Weddings
From:  ITV

Hey Rou,
 
Sorry the photo you gave wasn’t clear enough for our application, we couldn’t tell what you or your wife-to-be looks like.
 
Dean


To:  ITV
Subject:  4 Weddings

Hi Dean

I apologise, my photography skills have never been what you might call "good value" and I had to take it on a phone camera as all other cameras are out of my price range. I will try and get a better photo, perhaps by asking a stranger to take it rather than using a long pole.

All the best
- R.Lafemme