The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries 13: International Criss Cross Crisis – Inspector Tockenheim is hunted by the hunter. (But will the hunter become the hunted!?)

Cog state U.S.A. - Inspector Tockenheim is enjoying a well-deserved rest from his ceaseless war against the restless criminal class. As Tockenheim himself says “Crime never rests but occasionally it does rest because all the criminals are resting in prison thanks to me – Inspector Tockenheim.” He goes on to add “If you ask me they shouldn’t be allowed to rest, they should be made to work off their debts to society. I’d like to see them use as counter weights for communal weighing scales which could be utilised by the poor for making their bread. I bet you can’t though because it’s against their ‘Human Rights’ though, what about the rights of the people they have wronged? Or the rights of the community to have homemade bread!? Tockenheim respects the rule of law but sometimes the law just sticks in my Tocken-craw.” Even in a state of relaxation Tockneheim is as sharp as the brass tacks. However in an steadily expanding universe (thanks to heavy promotion of the universe brand by the universe marketing department.) Tockenheim is not the only man who seeks to enforce the law and while this law-man is at rest another (law-man) is involved in a high speed chase across the milky way. That man is the mysterious Hunter and soon the paths of the two will cross in an unexpected way. (Unexpected for the hunter, Inspector Tockenheim is never taken by surprise. Even when he has a Kinder Surprise he already knows there’s going to be a toy in it. Except for the time the toy was replaced with a nail bomb by terrorists when thankfully he was wearing his ‘nail reflecting greaves’ so only innocent bystanders were killed. All life is sacred but only some life is the life of inspector Tockenheim the world’s premiere detective and therefore slightly more sacred.)

Meanwhile the Hunter is doing what he does best – hunting ner do wells on his outer space hunt-cycle. The villain in question is space vandal Rontox Alpha, a space criminal with a hefty bounty on both heads and currently a jar of phantasms which doesn’t belong to him. (because he stole it from the space shop.)

“You should just give up Rontox Alpha. Nobody escapes the Hunter and even if they do they live in constant fear of being caught which is no kind of life for a young man.” Shouts the Hunter as he fires plasma blasts form his ‘Hunt-staff’.

In a desperate evasive manoeuvre Rontox Alpha steers his space wagon into the path of some space debris. However he miscalculates the amount of space between the two and the systems of his wagon are damaged sending him plummeting to a nearby planet known as …. Earth. The Hunter gives chase at a safe distance not knowing that the moment Rontox Alpha entered the atmosphere he was also entered into the media by the ever vigilant and incorruptible world press of fleet street.. “Space man with space plan!? Space Vandal Rontox Alpha enters the fray. Could this be the end for the human race or the beginning of a race to the stars?!”

Wherever there is a furore there is a Tockenheim and so as the Hunter’s space hunt-cycle approaches the crash site of Rontox Alpha so does the patented Tocken-copter and all that might entail.

A warning is given, broadcasted and translated in local dialects by the computers in the Hunters cardbordanium hunt-helm. “I am the Hunter. Stay back earth-persons. I am here to collect the bounty on space vandal Rontox Alpha and mean you know harm. But if you mean me harm then the harm will actually come from my arms to your harm if you know what I mean.” To a man like Tockenheim this kind of veiled threat is something that he does not take kindly to, because in his experience if you lift the veil you find the threat ugly and toothless – like an arranged marriage from the radiation zone. “Back off Hunter. This man is now under the jurisdiction of earth law enforcement, represented by me Inspector Tockenheim the world’s greatest detective. Under our rules this man is entitled to a fair trial so don’t ‘trial’ my patience or you’ll be getting the sentence. And the sentence will be guilty as charged!”

The Hunter sees that Tockenheim is not like other men, if fact compared to the people of earth he is a lot better than them. But even so the Hunter has all the best space technology at his disposal and if this ‘Tockenheim’ wants a fight then he will get what he wants which is a fight, but when he gets it he will probably wonder why he wanted it in the first place. Leaping from his hunt-cycle the Hunter readies for battle, aiming his hunt-staff directly at the inspector and firing a well-placed plasma blast. However it is not that well placed because Tockenheim gets out of the way forewarned as he is by his illuminate pendulum and returns fire with his patented “Tocken-beam”. The Hunter is taken by surprise and the beams hit him dead on sending him back to Aztec times.

“To challenge Tockenheim is actually not a challenge at all for me because the only challenge is challenging yourself to not start the challenge in the first place. It seems this matter is done and all that remains is to capture the problematic space vandal known as Rontox Alpha.”

However before his confidence can be justified by his actions the Hunter appears behind him and delivers a powerful blow to the cranium. “You may be able to send me back to Aztec times Tockenheim, but the hunter has a time machine built into his huntlets (hunter gauntlets) so your attack is not worth the paper it’s printed on! Now surrender or you will end up surrendering the head from your body when I cut it off.”

"As a well-educated man Tockenheim knows the meaning of the word surrender but to all intents and purposes he might as well not because it is not something I will ever do, also I don’t accept the surrender of my enemies. You may dodge my Tocken-beam but I am also a master of Tock-Fu the clock based fighting art. Like the hands of the clock I will count down to your doom and attack you with the force of a thousand gears.” Tockenehim pushes the Hunter back using the “anticlockwise minute hand sweep.” and assumes the 9:30 fighting stance.

“It’s true that you are more challenging than my usual challenge but you shall surely be challenged by the fact that I will beat you. Your Tock-Fu will be no match for my unmatched mastery of “Hunt-kido” a fighting style of my own devising based on observing the movements of myself. (The Hunter)”

And with that the battle is on ‘hand in glove’ each blow is parried, counter parried and absorbed by the other. Can either emerge the victor? No they can’t because they are equally matched in all respects. Except for they have forgot one thing, the space vandal Rontox Alpha is still lose and is now loosely pointing his space guns at the both of them as they concentrate on the task at hand. (to hand combat)

“Prepare to die the Hunter” shouts Rontox Alpha as he fires his armour piercing space gun directly at the noggin of the distracted debutant. However today is not the day the Hunter will die as Tockenheim senses the attack using his illuminati pendulum and pushes the Hunter out of the line of fire.

“Why did you save me Tockenheim? You have dishonoured the honour of the Hunter.”

“The only thing I honour is the rule of law and here on earth it’s against the rules to shoot somebody while they are having a brawl. Tockenehim enforces the laws whether he likes it or not and quite often he does not, especially when it comes to the EU.”

“We have more in common than I thought Tockeneheim. The Hunter too has to deal with bureaucracy and space-human rights when he would rather be dealing out justice. Let’s team up to take down this felon – paperwork be dammed!”

“That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day apart from the ideas that I have heard myself saying. You’re on let’s take down this space vandal once and for all.”

And with that Tockenehim and the Hunter advance on space vandal Rontox Alpha who has no chance against such a titanic team up! Maybe his big brother Jarrocks Alpha would stand a chance but he’s in space prison and so has no way of helping and anyway they don’t get on very well.

Eventually the violence dies down and Rontox Alpha is held in science shackles ready for transport by the Hunter back to space jail.

“Tockenheim you are surely a great man, you should come with me to outer space and put your talents to better use.”

“It’s true that I am great The Hunter, but so long as you are keeping the space ways clear I’m happy to remain earthbound or ‘Mother’ as they say in Japan. Farewell Hunter, and if you ever truly need my help you can contact my landline using your space phone, but not after 9:00 pm that’s private Tockentime.” And with that the Hunter is gone back to space to continue his Hunting ventures. As he leaves a squat figure emerges on the horizon, the loutish figure of Contsable Cogsworthy.

“Loiks Inspector, sorry I was late. Ave I missed anythink!?”

“As usual Cogsworthy you have missed the point! (And also the events) You truly are as useless as a Geordie on non-hooligan day.”

“I certainly am inspector…I certainly am.”

The End?