- Bobbins
15/12/2010
The Idol Dead
I rcently made this thing for this band, in return they are going to record the score for "Biohazard! - The Resident Evil Musical" (Although I havent told them that yet.)
08/12/2010
Retro Prefect - Christmas Games
Christmas is obviously the most important time of year as it’s the time when I get the most presents (double the amount of birthday and five times the amount at easter!) The games industry obviously knows this because 75% of the games released in the year come out just before Christmas, hence last week alone saw the release of Modern Duties: Will Smith Ops, Medal of Duties: Taliban Ops, Golden Sun 3: Djinn Ops and many other ops related games. However the games industry seems reluctant to make any games that feature Christmas, more than likely because of political correctness gone mad. Anyway here is a list of the top 5 games (only 5 games) which feature Christmas in some capacity. Just remember that having snow in a game doesn’t make it Christmassy because all games have snow levels – even Rayman: Raving Rabbis
Shenmue – If you play the game up to December then Christmas lights will spring up in Dobuita town centre. You may even spot Santy Claus forcing himself between toy capsule machines or getting into fist fights with the burger bear. Just like in real life the Shenmue December the 25th is extremely disappointing, no one gives you any presents AND if you have the job at the docks you still have to turn up for work. In many ways Ryo is like the boy that Santa Clause forgot, he never got any presents and his daddy had been killed by a man in a dress.
Christmas rating – Plasma Sword 2: Blitzens Revenge
Christmas Bonus - Shenmue sailor discussion
“Sailor location known?”
“Sailor location denied!”
“Identify Sailor?”
“Negative!”
Sonic Adventure – Yet again Dreamcast era Sega showed us the true meaning of Christmas by giving us presents, presents in the form of free DLC. If only they had invented ‘Sega points’ and charged 10.50 for downloadable Christmas outfits they probably wouldn’t have gone bankrupt. Essentially Sega is George Bailey only instead of trying to commit suicide they keep inventing new friends for Sonic. Eventually they will realise that no amount of Blaze the cat can destroy the simple joys of a pine tree mysteriously playing the NightS theme and whenever Sonic collects a ring in a game that doesn’t feature werehogs or Arthurian legend an Angel gets its wings. (Or at least a Chao)
Christmas Rating - Heavy Rain(Deer)
Christmas Bonus – New ideas for Sonic friends
Prentox the Vulture, Logarithm the studious porcupine and Uriko the Half Beast.
Christmas NightS into Dreams – A game so Christmassy that it even has Christmas in the title. Also it plays a Christmas medley while you play it, everything is made of candy canes and presents and all the unlockables are called “Christmas presents”. This would be the perfect Christmas game if only NightS: Journey into Dreams hadn’t changed our perception of the main character from a mute dream sprite to a transsexual jester.
Christmas Rating – 9 Lords a Leaping Lizards Mario adventure book.
Christmas Bonus – A fond reminiscence of NightS pinball on Sonic Adventure.
Dance Dance Revolution: Euro Mix – Does one Christmas song qualify a game as Christmassy? The real question is how many Christmas songs does Rock Band have? I don’t know as I have never played it but what I do know is that someone should start a Facebook campaign to get Silent Hill to Christmas number one.
Christmas Rating – Let it project Snowblind
Christmas Bonus – A Christmas joke
Q. What did you get for Christmas?
A. Presents!
The Sims 2 – You can potentially force your electronic slaves to have Christmas every day as there is no calendar in the Sims or if there is it is in Simlish so instead of Christmas it would be called “Melcranks”. EA went so far as to release a special Christmas edition of the Sims but so far as I could tell it was just the bog standard Sims with a houseplant reskinned as a Christmas tree. Still “Beggars can’t be juicsters” and its always fun to see a family dressed a teddy bears give each other presents while the youngest cries for help in a room with no doors or windows.
Christmas Rating – Merry Christmas (Warcraft is over)
The moral of the story is that more games should feature Christmas either in the form of DLC for Trauma Centre where you have to do a c-section in a stable or a game based on the Santa Clause 3 where you can press a button to make Jack Frost keep saying “I INVENTED CHILL!”
Today's Work - Games Reviews
Vagrant Puncher II
This may sound like a game about punching the homeless … and it is! Using the very latest in motion sensing technology the game accurately reads your attacks and then converts them into jerky animations of a man punching through his own coat. Hence the slogan of the game “Feel the vagrant – real punch intent”. This game has its fair share of problems – for example the motion for uppercut is very similar to the motion for pause menu but it’s certainly fun to get those homeless people off the streets. (By punching them). If I had any other criticisms it would be that the game cannot register kicks but I am assured this will be fixed in the downloadable content “Vagrant Puncher the extra missions – the ballad of Sam Leggers.”
8/10
Master of Rockets
This addictive I phone game puts you in the position of the master of the rockets as he directs the fireworks for bonfire night. (In America this game has been renamed Meister of the Rockets and instead of bonfire night it features Hogmanay.) This is done by lining up the different coloured rockets with your ‘kettle styler’ and then detonating them for high multiscore bonus. To add to the confusion you sometimes encounter Leod Rockets that cause the fireworks to defuse and must be styled out – just remember don’t let the rockets get to the top of the Euro zone or it’s game over! In many ways this game is like Fantavision except it is for the I phone where any old rubbish is acceptable because it only costs 59p.
6/10
Turbo Pitch Masters 5
Every year millions of footer fans look forward to the release of the new ‘Turbo Pitch Masters’ and let me tell you this one is set to be slightly better than the last! New features include “Phantasm mode” where you can have your footballers affect different phantasmagoria in order to curve the ball and a create a player mode with up to five different haircuts. (Short hair, bald head, ‘corn rows’, platinum dunce hat and comedy afro). Lest we forget that Turbo Pitch Masters 5 is also the only football game to feature all the official footer-men and footer teams from the 7-Up fun league as well as commentary from “Bonners” Trent. It really feels like you are watching the football when you hear Bonners give his classic quote “Has it happened – it has now!” There is even dream match mode where you can pit unlikely teams against each other such as the 1066 England Squadron VS Asterix.
9/10
Shaq II – Shaq in Action
The long awaited follow up to Shaq Fu, this game once again sees basketball star Shaquille O’Neil be thrust into another dimension by a china man. The main difference between that reality and this one is that everyone is rotoscoped and a mummy is the king. It would be terrible if a mummy was the king because all the stamps would be made of bandages! The most important aspect of Shaq II is that it now features online play so you can go “Shaq to Shaq” all over the world! Are there any more characters? Of course not because of online games now have less characters but I am reliably informed that a palette swap of Shaq named “Michael Jordanger” will be available on Xbox live for the price of 500 Microsoft points (2.70 in real money)
4/10
Hand Jive international edition
Yet another dance game for the Wii, does it work? Of course not as there is no way a Wii controller can tell if you are dancing. This is unimportant because it gives you a good opportunity to have all your mates round and have a good old laugh at their dancing. Surely that is the main point of computer games? You could of course just buy a revolver instead and shoot at the feet of strangers but that wouldn’t come with official licensed music from the Saturdays!
(The Saturdays are a sort of alternate universe version of Girls Aloud)
10/10
WVF Vs FFO – Attitude 2: Rage in the Cage
This game see’s all your favourite superstars from the WVF (World violence federation) and FFO (Famfrit Fighting Organisation) battle head to head in the ring. The main attraction of this new version is that it now has the rights to new wrestlemen such as “Muscles Boranger” and “Fenton ‘The Soda Drinker’ Fatherington”. That’s not to mention the new types of battles such as iron lung match, superstar bench rumble and rotating plinth royale. A usual fans of the WVF will remain amused with the high levels of fan service but everyone else will merely be bemused by the prospect of men slowly sitting on each other. The best bit is when you make your man run into the ropes a lot and the commentator starts saying “Into the ropes, off the ropes, he’s off the ropes, he’s going onto the ropes.”
8/10
Today's Work - Lets Dactor
Here is a good thing to do – confuse a thing with another thing of the same name for comic effect. i.e. I tried watching the X-Factor but was very disappointed as it was nothing like the comics and didn’t even feature the Multiple Man! Unfortunately this never happened. What did happen is that I don’t own a television any more so I don’t have to watch shit like this. (And might I take the opportunity to thank all the major TV channels for destroying their business model by providing ad free programming on their respective websites without making us pay a TV license. ) Here are my guesses about what is happening on the X-factor right now, if someone would like to confirm my suspicions I would be most grateful.
Behold (optic blast)
Judges
Simon Callow – Simon Callow is a popular actor having appeared in both Doctor Who (as Charles Dickens) AND Street Fighter the Movie (as a nervous boat salesman) a career path mirrored by Kylie Minogue ( Waitress and Cammy) and Christopher Eccleston (Doctor and Vulcano Rosso). However he also owns all the music in the world and he uses this power to make withering remarks at potential pop stars. “That was the worst thing I have ever heard and I once heard a man being paper clipped to a fan”. Even now Callow uses his media empire to manipulate members of the public into watching his nonsense television shows and buying his CD’s. The archenemy of Simon Callow is Napster.
Louis Walsh – Much like Louis from Inspector Morse Louis Walsh is totally useless. What is the point of him other than that he can always convince Westlife to appear on the final episode and sing a duet with his character. Louis Walsh is well rubbish.
Cheryl Cole – Aww lovely Cheryl Cole commonly held to be the sexiest woman in the entire universe but lest we forget that she is a massive racist who assaulted a woman over a Chupa Chup lolly. Her main role is to cry when people sing ballads and never say anything negative so that people don’t remember was a hateful, violent woman she really is.
Minouge – Minouge is a giant spider from the future who absorbs the souls of young men in order to keep looking youthful. The proof of this is her bony elbows and the fact that her whole face opens up into a giant mouth like the Manjini from Resident Evil 5. Apart from this her main job is to make inappropriate sexual comments about the male contestants. It’s a shame the male judges aren’t allowed to comment on how much they would like to ‘destroy’ the young girls that enter, but then the looks on the face of Simon Callow say it all. (Looks of lust). I don’t think Minouge ever speaks she just makes noises like a fox with a bottle trappedin its throat.
Contestants
Henry Dent – Henry Dent is a bland youngster who has a mysterious fog instead of a face and white noise instead of opinions. He comes from a salt of the earth (common) background and his main concerns are telling everyone how much he loves his Nan and how he wants to win the X-Factor in memory of his dead Kestrel. Everyone thinks he is ‘lovely’ because he looks like he is going to cry whenever he sings – this is actually because he cannot remember the words and has to concentrate to avoid toppling over sideways. In reality Henry severely beats his girlfriend as he is too stupid to articulate his feelings of anger in other more constructive ways i.e. by making a blog that nobody reads. In the press he is known as Hezzer.
Song – A song about his mother (by Westlife)
Style - Robot with experimental emotion chip.
Chance of winning – High (Provided no one finds out about all the prostitutes he has slept with.)
Blyth Fennnington – Blyth looks a lot like Henry apart from his receding hair which he covers up with a variety of trilbies and flat caps. His main weakness is that he is middle class and so the public consider him arrogant for his ability to construct a proper sentence. Halfway through the series he will attempt to become more likeable by crying when he see’s his parents, however their living room furniture is far too tasteful and people hate him even more.
Song – A big band version of absolutely everything.
Style – Competent
Change of winning – Slim
Reticule – After being given such a stupid name by his parents the only job Reticule could ever do is ‘pop star’. He tried applying for other jobs but the forms always say “First Name” “Last Name” but he only has one name and that name is Reticule. Furthermore Reticule also has silly hair and a suit made of clovers, these were nothing to do with his parents but as the saying goes “In for a penny crayon, in for a pound sterling”. Everyone hates him except for students who think he is leg end mega lolls. However he can never win because the only people that actually vote in the X-Factor are middle aged women and sex offenders under house arrest.
Song – A song he wrote himself called “Caught in the Reticule”
Style – Volume and Sparkles.
Chance of winning – Slim (unless you consider a permanent marquis at Butlins a victory)
Dario Tassimo – Dario is the token foreign entry and he is mainly only allowed in because he is useless and it lets everyone laugh at foreigners without being accused of racism. Even though his foreign clowning is the most entertaining aspect of the show people are absolutely furious that he continues to progress in the competition while really dull people who are technically better singers are knocked out as no one can remember their names. This is all a scheme by Simon Callow to add a bit of drama to proceedings and provide a pretext for some pretend arguments between the judges. (Probably leading to Louis Walsh storming off for a week) Dario isn’t that bothered about winning the competition, he just wants to stay in the country long enough to get his asylum papers through and then its back to his Dodrio ranch.
Song – Something ‘well random’ from the 90’s.
Style – Hilariously un English
Chance of winning – Nil
Charlemagne Potts – A screechy woman with a big nose and the ability to cry almost constantly. She gets on everyone’s nerves but people feel duty bound to vote for her because she is good at doing many different notes. She will eventually be voted out when she tries to do a ‘sexy dance’ which disturbs the nation.
Song – Ballad (of Bilbo Baggins)
Style – Insane lyrical trills.
Chance of winning – Fair to Middler
Ferrous Mews – Metal Gear Solid 2 tells the story of Raiden an attempt to replicate the legendary hero Solid Snake by artificially shaping the events of his life to match those of the ‘Shadow Moses’ incident. It is also the story of how people are idiots because they say Raiden is rubbish even though he had EXACTLY THE SAME abilities as snake AND had nicer hair. “Blah blah too many whiney codec conversations” have you ever played Metal Gear Solid? Half the game is Snake blathering on down his codec “I wish I hadn’t killed my dad even though it turns out he wasn’t really my dad and I didn’t actually kill him etc” AND he doesn’t get to wave a samurai sword about.
Anyway Ferrous Mews is a similar attempt to replicate Cheryl Cole, however these attempts always fail because no one is allowed to mention how she committed a racist assault even though it is a core part of her personality. Much like Cheryl, Ferrous is considered ‘good hearted’ because she keeps going on about whatever shit northern town she is from.
Song – That song Cheryl Cole did about being dressed as M.Bison.
Style – CQC
Chance of winning – Fission Mailed.
Sh8Zm – Sh8Zm follow the X-Factor tradition of ugly girl bands with rubbish names featuring X’s and Z’s. That is because girls are rubbish at thinking of names for things and always have stupid ideas like using the first letter of each name or thinking they are better looking than they actually are. The individual members of Sh8Zm are virtually unknown because TV producers still haven’t found a way to build a compelling narrative for a group the same way they have for working class dunderheads with poorly uncles. Sh8Zm will be at the bottom of the league tables for weeks and will eventually be forced out to the surprise of no one. That’s what they get for putting four part harmonies into songs meant to be sung by one man.
Song – All by myself
Style – Walking forward in sync
Chance of winning – Unlikely
Jazzbot – Jazzbot are a sort of mowtown tribute act who spend much of their time walking down stairs. They like to put rapping bits in theirs songs to prove that they are ‘Final Fight: Streetwise” even though in reality they all come from Devon. Jazzbot suffer the same narrative problems as Sh8Zm but stay in the competition a little longer because women think they are ‘well fit’. The main gimmick of Jazzbot is that CJ has blades for arms.
Song – Reach Out (I’ll be there) but with a rap in the middle
Style – Boys 2 Men Lite
Chance of winning - Average
James Tamworth – At 10 years old James is the youngest person in England. The fact that he can even open his mouth at all is amazing so for him to be able to sing is the equivalent of a dog with psychic powers. We are supposed to feel sorry for James because someone was mean to him at school but it probably serves him right for being a precocious twat. Secretly we are all willing him to fail and get sent back to school where he will get his head kicked in by bullies AND be several months behind in his GCSE work, that’ll learn him to try and make something of his life. Near the end of the series there will be a bit where he goes back to school and people will be cheering and holding up banners and then you think that must be lies because if someone from my school did quite well in the x-factor I would be jealous of them and would probably try to cut out their vocal chords with a shoe.
Song – Where is love?
Style – Simpering stage school brat.
Chance of winning – Depend entirely on when his voice breaks.
Mary Felton – Mary Felton battles for female equality by being fat from eating too much cake and wearing unflattering dresses. She is described as having a powerful voice but in reality she just has a big mouth from eating many big pieces of food and the ability to shout loudly gained from ordering many Happy Meals in crowded McDonalds. In later life she will be involved in a scandal where she flays the skin of the bones of a man by shouting at him very loudly.
Song – Goldfinger
Style – Banshee Wail
Chance of winning – A fat woman has already won the X-Factor so it probably won’t happen again.
David Renquist – Poor David has spent over 50 years working as a bin man/coalminer/phone sex operative but his real passion has always been singing. He does get paid work singing in pubs on a Saturday night but the patrons are more interested in drinking their pints! He looks mournfully at the camera and pleads “I just want to sing to an audience who are actually listening; this is my last chance…”.
Song – Mustang Sally
Style – Neil Diamond having spent 50 years sorting through broken glass and used nappies.
Chance of winning – Simon Callow would never allow it as he is old and therefore not good value for money.
Behold (optic blast)
Judges
Simon Callow – Simon Callow is a popular actor having appeared in both Doctor Who (as Charles Dickens) AND Street Fighter the Movie (as a nervous boat salesman) a career path mirrored by Kylie Minogue ( Waitress and Cammy) and Christopher Eccleston (Doctor and Vulcano Rosso). However he also owns all the music in the world and he uses this power to make withering remarks at potential pop stars. “That was the worst thing I have ever heard and I once heard a man being paper clipped to a fan”. Even now Callow uses his media empire to manipulate members of the public into watching his nonsense television shows and buying his CD’s. The archenemy of Simon Callow is Napster.
Louis Walsh – Much like Louis from Inspector Morse Louis Walsh is totally useless. What is the point of him other than that he can always convince Westlife to appear on the final episode and sing a duet with his character. Louis Walsh is well rubbish.
Cheryl Cole – Aww lovely Cheryl Cole commonly held to be the sexiest woman in the entire universe but lest we forget that she is a massive racist who assaulted a woman over a Chupa Chup lolly. Her main role is to cry when people sing ballads and never say anything negative so that people don’t remember was a hateful, violent woman she really is.
Minouge – Minouge is a giant spider from the future who absorbs the souls of young men in order to keep looking youthful. The proof of this is her bony elbows and the fact that her whole face opens up into a giant mouth like the Manjini from Resident Evil 5. Apart from this her main job is to make inappropriate sexual comments about the male contestants. It’s a shame the male judges aren’t allowed to comment on how much they would like to ‘destroy’ the young girls that enter, but then the looks on the face of Simon Callow say it all. (Looks of lust). I don’t think Minouge ever speaks she just makes noises like a fox with a bottle trappedin its throat.
Contestants
Henry Dent – Henry Dent is a bland youngster who has a mysterious fog instead of a face and white noise instead of opinions. He comes from a salt of the earth (common) background and his main concerns are telling everyone how much he loves his Nan and how he wants to win the X-Factor in memory of his dead Kestrel. Everyone thinks he is ‘lovely’ because he looks like he is going to cry whenever he sings – this is actually because he cannot remember the words and has to concentrate to avoid toppling over sideways. In reality Henry severely beats his girlfriend as he is too stupid to articulate his feelings of anger in other more constructive ways i.e. by making a blog that nobody reads. In the press he is known as Hezzer.
Song – A song about his mother (by Westlife)
Style - Robot with experimental emotion chip.
Chance of winning – High (Provided no one finds out about all the prostitutes he has slept with.)
Blyth Fennnington – Blyth looks a lot like Henry apart from his receding hair which he covers up with a variety of trilbies and flat caps. His main weakness is that he is middle class and so the public consider him arrogant for his ability to construct a proper sentence. Halfway through the series he will attempt to become more likeable by crying when he see’s his parents, however their living room furniture is far too tasteful and people hate him even more.
Song – A big band version of absolutely everything.
Style – Competent
Change of winning – Slim
Reticule – After being given such a stupid name by his parents the only job Reticule could ever do is ‘pop star’. He tried applying for other jobs but the forms always say “First Name” “Last Name” but he only has one name and that name is Reticule. Furthermore Reticule also has silly hair and a suit made of clovers, these were nothing to do with his parents but as the saying goes “In for a penny crayon, in for a pound sterling”. Everyone hates him except for students who think he is leg end mega lolls. However he can never win because the only people that actually vote in the X-Factor are middle aged women and sex offenders under house arrest.
Song – A song he wrote himself called “Caught in the Reticule”
Style – Volume and Sparkles.
Chance of winning – Slim (unless you consider a permanent marquis at Butlins a victory)
Dario Tassimo – Dario is the token foreign entry and he is mainly only allowed in because he is useless and it lets everyone laugh at foreigners without being accused of racism. Even though his foreign clowning is the most entertaining aspect of the show people are absolutely furious that he continues to progress in the competition while really dull people who are technically better singers are knocked out as no one can remember their names. This is all a scheme by Simon Callow to add a bit of drama to proceedings and provide a pretext for some pretend arguments between the judges. (Probably leading to Louis Walsh storming off for a week) Dario isn’t that bothered about winning the competition, he just wants to stay in the country long enough to get his asylum papers through and then its back to his Dodrio ranch.
Song – Something ‘well random’ from the 90’s.
Style – Hilariously un English
Chance of winning – Nil
Charlemagne Potts – A screechy woman with a big nose and the ability to cry almost constantly. She gets on everyone’s nerves but people feel duty bound to vote for her because she is good at doing many different notes. She will eventually be voted out when she tries to do a ‘sexy dance’ which disturbs the nation.
Song – Ballad (of Bilbo Baggins)
Style – Insane lyrical trills.
Chance of winning – Fair to Middler
Ferrous Mews – Metal Gear Solid 2 tells the story of Raiden an attempt to replicate the legendary hero Solid Snake by artificially shaping the events of his life to match those of the ‘Shadow Moses’ incident. It is also the story of how people are idiots because they say Raiden is rubbish even though he had EXACTLY THE SAME abilities as snake AND had nicer hair. “Blah blah too many whiney codec conversations” have you ever played Metal Gear Solid? Half the game is Snake blathering on down his codec “I wish I hadn’t killed my dad even though it turns out he wasn’t really my dad and I didn’t actually kill him etc” AND he doesn’t get to wave a samurai sword about.
Anyway Ferrous Mews is a similar attempt to replicate Cheryl Cole, however these attempts always fail because no one is allowed to mention how she committed a racist assault even though it is a core part of her personality. Much like Cheryl, Ferrous is considered ‘good hearted’ because she keeps going on about whatever shit northern town she is from.
Song – That song Cheryl Cole did about being dressed as M.Bison.
Style – CQC
Chance of winning – Fission Mailed.
Sh8Zm – Sh8Zm follow the X-Factor tradition of ugly girl bands with rubbish names featuring X’s and Z’s. That is because girls are rubbish at thinking of names for things and always have stupid ideas like using the first letter of each name or thinking they are better looking than they actually are. The individual members of Sh8Zm are virtually unknown because TV producers still haven’t found a way to build a compelling narrative for a group the same way they have for working class dunderheads with poorly uncles. Sh8Zm will be at the bottom of the league tables for weeks and will eventually be forced out to the surprise of no one. That’s what they get for putting four part harmonies into songs meant to be sung by one man.
Song – All by myself
Style – Walking forward in sync
Chance of winning – Unlikely
Jazzbot – Jazzbot are a sort of mowtown tribute act who spend much of their time walking down stairs. They like to put rapping bits in theirs songs to prove that they are ‘Final Fight: Streetwise” even though in reality they all come from Devon. Jazzbot suffer the same narrative problems as Sh8Zm but stay in the competition a little longer because women think they are ‘well fit’. The main gimmick of Jazzbot is that CJ has blades for arms.
Song – Reach Out (I’ll be there) but with a rap in the middle
Style – Boys 2 Men Lite
Chance of winning - Average
James Tamworth – At 10 years old James is the youngest person in England. The fact that he can even open his mouth at all is amazing so for him to be able to sing is the equivalent of a dog with psychic powers. We are supposed to feel sorry for James because someone was mean to him at school but it probably serves him right for being a precocious twat. Secretly we are all willing him to fail and get sent back to school where he will get his head kicked in by bullies AND be several months behind in his GCSE work, that’ll learn him to try and make something of his life. Near the end of the series there will be a bit where he goes back to school and people will be cheering and holding up banners and then you think that must be lies because if someone from my school did quite well in the x-factor I would be jealous of them and would probably try to cut out their vocal chords with a shoe.
Song – Where is love?
Style – Simpering stage school brat.
Chance of winning – Depend entirely on when his voice breaks.
Mary Felton – Mary Felton battles for female equality by being fat from eating too much cake and wearing unflattering dresses. She is described as having a powerful voice but in reality she just has a big mouth from eating many big pieces of food and the ability to shout loudly gained from ordering many Happy Meals in crowded McDonalds. In later life she will be involved in a scandal where she flays the skin of the bones of a man by shouting at him very loudly.
Song – Goldfinger
Style – Banshee Wail
Chance of winning – A fat woman has already won the X-Factor so it probably won’t happen again.
David Renquist – Poor David has spent over 50 years working as a bin man/coalminer/phone sex operative but his real passion has always been singing. He does get paid work singing in pubs on a Saturday night but the patrons are more interested in drinking their pints! He looks mournfully at the camera and pleads “I just want to sing to an audience who are actually listening; this is my last chance…”.
Song – Mustang Sally
Style – Neil Diamond having spent 50 years sorting through broken glass and used nappies.
Chance of winning – Simon Callow would never allow it as he is old and therefore not good value for money.
Today's Work - Tockenheim Tucks In
Lord Lawton is getting ready to tuck into his Christmas feast in the grand hall of Lawton manor, however things are soon to go from Lawton to Crimeton!
Lord Lawton: Forthsooth I cannae wait te get me mitts on that plump Christmas goose.
Chef Barkington brings in the goose with all the trimmings on a big silver platter.
Chef Barkington: Alez! Wud you like a slice of the goose monsieur?
Lord Lawton: With ool spood an dinnae spyre the horses!
Lord Lawton is soon tucking into the Christmas delights but it soon becomes apparent that he has ‘bitten off more than he can chew’ quite literally as there was a big bit of lead in the goose!
Lord Lawton: Ach nae ahm chocking….grag grag…
He slumps face first into the Christmas feast.
Chef Barkington: Alez! Mein feast is ruined…..and Lord Lawton is coup detat!
Jenrox the craggy butler: I will use my rock powers to summon the constabulary, be wary this will be an ‘earth shaking’ event!
He uses his earthquake powers to send a message to Tockenheim who is soon at the scene courtesy of his trademark ‘Tockencopter;.
Contsable Cogsworthy: Oh heck it looks like somebody done put lead in the Christmas feast, I’ve heard of ‘lead in the pencil’ but this takes the cakes.
Tockenheim: Quiet Cogsworthy, I have already devised who done the deed.
Constable Cogsworthy: But sir you haven’t even looked at the crime scene…
Tockenheim: Well I can’t be bothered, the Christmas edition for Nethanials Whims is on and I don’t want to miss the bit where Nethanial is dressed as the green lantern. Anyway the man to arrest is obviously Farmer Fothergill as he purposely fed his goose lead to make them heavier. Everyone knows you pay more for the biggest goose – just look at scrooge. Anyway I think you’ll find that Farmer Fothergill invested heavily in lead at the start of the year and also he hates Lord Lawton because he was trying to turn his farm into a Foyles War theme park.
Constable Cogsworthy: I’ll go arrest him right away sir!
At this moment Mimi Flambard bursts into the room
Mimi: I wouldn’t bother Tockenheim you see….Farmer Fothergill IS DEAD!
Cogsworthy: But how?
Tockenheim: He must have also eaten some of the lead lined goose, everyone knows that Farmer Fothergill is notoriously bad at telling his geese apart!
Mimi: Then who got the leadless goose?
Tockenheim: I think its Tockentime for me to leave before they all try to ‘cook my goose’
Fin
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