After running for over eighty years Last of the Summer Wine has finally been killed off due to it being rubbish. Q. Hasn’t it always been rubbish? A. Yes it has but the man that writes it used to be a wrestler and he would do piledrivers on the head of the BBC until he agreed to commission more episodes. Thankfully that man (The Hoxton Libre) is now as old and decrepit as the series he writes and he no longer has the strength to put on his fighting cape.
He was offered the chance to write the last episode but like all old people he was bitter and thought the world owed him a living. (He may have been conscripted during World War Zwei but all he did was write propaganda films about foolish German soldiers pushing sofas into rivers.) It was therefore left to me to bring the show to a fitting close, for those of you that missed it here is the script:
Last of the Summer Wine: Episode 478 – ‘The one where it is the Last one’
Int: Compo is telling jokes in the café.
Compo: So what’s the deal with free bus passes? They let you on the bus…not past it!
Compo: And don’t get me started on those stair lifts, they should call them people lifts really because they aren’t lifting the stairs!
Titles
Ext: Some lovely Yorkshire countryside. (The best countryside in the world). Howard and Marina are having a sexy picnic.
Howard: Oh Howard!
Marina: Oh Marina!
Along come Foggy, Wallace and Compo startling Howard and causing him to fall into a cream cake for fear that it might be his ugly wife.
Compo: Ey Howard ah dint know that likes cakes that much!
Howard: Oh it’s you I thought it might be my ugly wife.
Wallace: Can I ask you something Howard?
Howard: Anything Wallace!
Wallace: If you and your ugly wife hate each other so much why don’t you just get a divorce? It seems to me your entire relationship is based on her hitting you with a broom and its not even as if she would be upset as she is clearly aware that you are having an affair.
Howard: Because I’m a pervert.
Wallace: Then here’s to penguin guests!
Int: The Café. The woman that owns the café is refusing to give Foggy, Wallace and Compo any tea despite never having any other customers.
Woman that runs the café: Can I ask you layabouts something?
Foggy: Yes woman that runs the café?
Woman that runs the café: Why come you all have such stupid names?
Compo: Well I am named Compo because in my younger days I used to always enter many competitions.
Wallace: And I am named Wallace due to my love of penguin guests.
Woman that runs the café: And what about you Foggy?
Foggy: Behold!
He causes the café to become foggy using mystical voodoo.
Woman that runs the café: Get out my café!
Int: A house, all the old women are complaining about their husbands even the old woman that runs the café even though she was just in the café 2 minutes before.
Howard’s ugly wife: I hate men, my husband is well rubbish and I’m going to hit him with a broom if and when I catch him having an affair.
Other woman: Well my husband is also rubbish as he spends all day mending cars and then getting dirt on the floors. Or at least he would if I didn’t put newspapers everywhere first!
Slightly younger woman: Well my husband is great and he can explode pumpkins using brain waves.
The other women look at her disapprovingly.
Ext: Some more Yorkshire countryside, the best countryside in the world. The three wise men come across ‘Smiler’
Compo: Eye up Smiler!
Smiler: Grimace
Foggy: Isn’t it amusing how although you are named Smiler you are actually always miserable and a smile never passes your lips. Maybe you should change your name to “Not Smiler”.
Wallace: Why are you so miserable anyway Smiler?
Smiler: Because I murdered my wife.
Wallace: Cracking toast Gromit!
Int: That mean woman’s shop.
Compo: Mean woman, do something for us that most people would do for free.
Mean woman: No I will charge you for it!
Compo: Aiya!
Ext: Some lovely Yorkshire hills in the lovely Yorkshire country side. The best hills in the best countryside in the world.
Inventor man: Eye up men I as invented another invention that is mostly a bath on wheels. Want to test it out?
Foggy: Why not, these inventions normally work so well!
Wallace: Techno Trousers!
Then they test the machine which is a kind of bath on wheels but also it is a time machine because it has clocks glued to it.
Wallace: I’m not sure about this!
Foggy: It will be fine, unleash the chono tomiter!
The inventor man pushed the bath down the hill
Foggy: Wahoooo
Compo: Eckkkkkk
Then all the clocks start to whir and the bath goes into the future.
Wallace: I can’t believe it actually worked!
Future man: Welcome to the future, here are your robot wives and youth serums.
Wallace: Wensleydale!
People of the future: Here’s to penguin guests!
THE END
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