The continuing adventures of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator.
Int – The HR department of Juno Island county council. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator has been called to the desk of section head Desmond Broderbund.
Broderbund: About time Blaze! Office hours are 9:00 – 5:00 and you’re sauntering in at 9:30.
Blaze: Sorry chief I was taking some of the flexi time I built up dealing with the fall out from the computerised sick pay debacle. Oh I forgot you don’t remember that because you were on a sabbatical! Must be nice to be able to take all that time off Desmond.
Broderbund: Don’t you cheek me Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. You might think you’re a hot shot but you aren’t bigger than this department! Just look at all this paperwork, half the timesheets haven’t even been initialled.
Blaze: I might bend the rules a little but I always get results. Maybe if you came down from your ivory tower now and then you’d realise what it’s really like out there. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a pile of p6 notifications the size of a mule and an ulcer to match…
He turns to leave
Broderbund: Don’t you walk away from me Carnival or so help me…!
Blaze leaves pushing past assistant section head Lorelei De’Winter
De’Winter: That guy certainly has an attitude, I don’t know why you take that crap Desmond.
Broderbund fishes out a hip flask from his desk and takes a swig.
Broderbund: Because I have to Lorelei…because I have to….
Int Meeting room A.5 - The bi- monthly operational services / regeneration cross departmental team briefing. Attendees are head of operations Alistair Cable, sub chair of regeneration policy Jim Hoover and I.T. consultant Toshi Yashamura.
Cable: Have the systems been set up?
Yashamura: Sir I uploaded the information as requested but shouldn’t we give some sort of warning to HR? I mean the checklists alone are going to take months, never mind the actual calculations.
Cable: Oh I think not, you see by dumping this major restructure on HR we can finally be rid of that irritating department. Then I will be free to hire all my staff based on nepotism!
Yashamura: But that’s highly unorthodox, you’ll never get away with it. I’ve got to go warn them…
Cable: I don’t think you’ll be doing that Mr Yashamura. Allow me to introduce you to my jobless nephews!
Two burly men step out of the shadows and grasp Mr Yashamura.
Cable: Now Mr Yashamaura my two nephews are going to take you outside and have a little chat about the difficulties of finding a summer job. With the increase in student loans they have to fund their studies somehow.
They drag Mr Yashamura off kicking and screaming.
Cable: Now nothing can stop us Jim. There’s no way HR will have the time to enforce employment law, you’ll even be able to get your idiot son off benefits. After all ANYONE can work the photocopier HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Hoover: I don’t know Alistair, I hear they have some hot shot administrator in there. Apparently he once calculated overpayment invoices for the entire highways division and some of the elements went into the previous financial year!
Cable: You mean Carnival Blaze. Don’t worry I believe something is going to come up that will keep him occupied….
He picks up the phone
Cable: Yes hello it’s Alistair. Could you do me a favour….
Int – The desk of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator is on the telephone.
Blaze: Look friend, Mr Peterson has been on an emergency tax code for two months and I’ll be dammed if he stays on it for a third.
Tax office (via telephone): Hey the notification musta got lost in the mail. There aint nothing I can do buddy.
Blaze: Listen ‘Buddy’ either you get that notification faxed through today or I’m going to come over their and file my returns personally. You get my drift!
Tax Office: I’ll see what I can do.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator clicks the receiver and makes another call.
Blaze: Mr Peterson – I think we did it!
Mr Peterson: God bless you Mr Blaze, now my children can eat. I can’t thank you enough.
Blaze: It’s my job Mr Peterson. Now take care.
He puts the phone down in time to see Desmond Broderbund approach the desk.
Blaze: A visit from the chief. To what do I owe this great DIShonour?
Broderbund: Listen Blaze cut the wise cracks. I have a serious job here and we both know you’re the only one that can handle it. But I want it on the down low see? If this gets out we’re gonna have a riot on our hands.
Blaze: I’m listening.
Broderbund: Seems some dame in customer services found out her contract changed in 1996 to give her half an extra days holiday a year. Trouble is the managers were never informed so she never got to take that .5 a year and now she wants it all.
Blaze: You mean.
Broderbund: That’s right pay arrears going back to 1996. Jesus Christ Blaze our system only goes back to 2001. And she isn’t the only one. The thing is we can’t just throw money at these people, we need to make sure they didn’t take the leave.
Blaze: Let me guess you want me to get those files out of storage and clear up this whole mess. Right?
Broderbund: That’s right Blaze. I’d see it as a personal favour, might even make some of those sick days you took “go away” if you know what I mean.
Blaze: Look chief if I do this I’m doing it for the right reasons. For those people that should’ve been spending time with their families but never got to because pencil pushers like you forgot to shift the numbers around. I had a note for those sick days and I aint ashamed. You got a problem with work related stress that’s your prerogative but I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let you bend the rules for an easy life.
Broderbund: Look Blaze, I didn’t mean anything by it.
Blaze: No YOU look Chief. I’m an administrator. It’s not just what I do it’s who I am so don’t treat me like some no account agency worker. Call Jenny and let her know I’m coming down to the archive.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator storms out. Broderdund picks up the phone.
Broderbund: Hi Jenny, it’s me Desmond. I’m sending Blaze down to pull some files, give him access to anything he needs.
Int Juno County Council Archives. Archivist Jenny Carter is examining box files and writing on a clip board. Enter Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator
Carter: Hello Carnival, keeping yourself out of trouble?
Blaze: Trying to Jenny.
Carter: That’s not what I hear from Desmond.
Blaze: Hah that desk jockey thinks anything that isn’t triple stamped is trouble. I remember the hierarchy reorganisation of 1998. Now THAT was trouble.
Carter: The good old days huh?
Blaze: I aint never worn rose tinted glasses Jenny and I’m not about to put some on now. Things did seem much ….simpler back then. Everyone knew who did the admin and who did the data input. Now…..I’m just not so sure anymore….
Carter: Least you got to see the changes. Joey would have been on scale pt 16 by now…if only I’d reminded him about the private and confidential stamp.
Blaze: What happened to your brother wasn’t your fault Jenny. The kid got careless that’s all, paid for it with his p45.
Carter: Yep he’s with Office Angels now…..
She wipes away a tear
Carter: Sorry Carnival, don’t know what came over me. Desmond says you need to see some files.
Blaze: Yeah I need everything you got on Veranda Timmons, employee number 95678.
Carter goes to a bank of cupboards and pulls out a long metal drawer.
Carter: This is her. Early records are pretty decayed by now. This place isn’t what you call a sealed environment.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator leans forward and starts thumbing through the documents.
Blaze: Jeez what a mess.
Carter: I’ll leave you two alone…
She turns to leave
Blaze: Wait, what’s this?
He picks a document out of the pile.
Carter: Looks like her original application form to me.
Blaze: Yeah but look at that scoring matrix. No way she should have ever been called to interview, let alone got the job. Do we have the interview records for the other candidates?
Carter: Well technically we are supposed to destroy them after two years. Lucky for you I started scanning everything that came through here just in case.
Blaze: Sometimes I could kiss you.
Carter: Sometimes I might let you…
She brings up the application forms on her computer. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator peers over the monitor.
Blaze: Look at this, every question answered perfectly and yet Miss Timmons gets the job.
Carter: Maybe she didn’t give a firm enough handshake.
Blaze: I don’t think so. Look at these other candidates, they all answered more confidently and covered relevant key words in their answers. There’s something rotten going on here and it smells worse than a fish in a flop house.
Carter: Who conducted this farce?
Blaze: The head of department at the time would have been Brian Wilks so he should have conducted the interview.
Carter: Yes he should have but according to this he was taken ill very suddenly, bad case of food poisoning and someone had to step in. They got in the assistant customer care manager…Alistair Cable.
Blaze: Shit this was all a set up. I need to get back to the office NOW.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator rushes off. Carter continues to go through the files.
Int – The HR office. Paper is flying everywhere and the staff are extremely harried.
Alistair Cable is harassing Desmond Broderbund.
Cable: If your department doesn’t get this done by the end of the week the higher ups are threatening to outsource all this work to the Congo.
Broderbund: But Alistair we never had any warning, how are we supposed to cope with all this. Surely some of this should have been done by operations.
Cable: That’s not the way the bosses see it Desmond. These changes have been in the pipeline for years so you should have been preparing.
Broderbund: I know , I know… I just don’t think we can get this one done. I might have to request AGENCY STAFF.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator barges into the offices.
Blaze: I don’t think that will be necessary chief!
Broderbund: Blaze, I thought you were tied up.
Blaze (Glancing at Alistair Cable): I’m sure that was Mr Cable’s intention when he got Veranda Timmons to send us on a wild goose chase.
Cable: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean!
Blaze: Oh I think you do Mr Cable. I think you hired Miss Timmons even though she wasn’t qualified because you were a little sweet on her. Who can blame you? A looker like that waltzes through my door first day I’m doing interviews maybe I’d be tempted too. Thing is now you’re a big shot she feels like she owes you because she knows she can’t do that job properly, maybe she makes up a little story about holiday pay to get me out of the office while you go in for the big score.
Cable: I don’t have to take this….
He goes to leave but Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator pushes him down onto a chair.
Blaze: I say you do Mr Cable because I have evidence to suggest that you have been hiring people based on personal preference rather than ability!
Cable: You’ll never make it stick Blaze! Everyone knows that interview performance is subjective.
Blaze: That might be true Mr Cable but I also know when people are trying to get me out of the way. Especially when they know that I’m the only one from this office who has the skills to read these restructure guidance notes in details. (he turns to Broderbund) It might interest you to know chief that we cannot action any document without the authorisation of the head of the responsible department, in this case that would be Mr Cable here. In short he has to sign ALL of these before we do anything with them.
Cable: But that would take…
Blaze: Weeks!? Probably Mr Cable in which time this department will be able to roll out a proper training program to get staff up to speed and maybe even take on some temporary staff to cover toe increased workload. I doubt they’ll need them though because I’ll be finished with Miss Timmons pay request by then and let’s just say I feel like doing some ….overtime.
Alistair Cable stands on his chair.
Cable: Dammit Blaze don’t you understand!? Because of your department we have to interview for every post – even the ones a monkey could do. Is it so wrong to want to live in a world governed by common sense? I took this job to get things done, not to get wrapped up in red tape. You might have got me this time, but there are others like me…thousands of us and we are never going to stop. You can’t keep us all down blaze, you just….arghhhhh
Cables rants so enthusiastically that he topples off the chair and hits his head.
Blaze: Better put a call in to Occ health chief.
He turns to leave
Broderbund: Hey Blaze….thanks
Blaze: I’ve got work to do.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator steps outside and is met by Jenny Carter.
Carter: What if he’s right? What if this is just the beginning?
Blaze: Then we better hope our paperwork is in order….
Meanwhile in the accounts payable section, Jim Hoover kneels before a mysterious figure.
Hoover: I’m afraid Alistair has failed but we’ve taken steps to make sure he doesn’t let the cat out of the bag.
We see Cable in the corner with his mouth stapled shut.
Mysterious figure: It is of little consequence. Mr Cable always thought he knew more than he did, and his little scheme was never truly part of my plans. I just wanted to see how Mr Blaze would react. I must say he exceeded even my expectations.
Hoover: Do you think he’ll be a problem?
Mysterious figure: (Playing with a document) I don’t think so…not in the long term ahhahahahaha
He puts down the document revealing it to be Carnival Blaze’s P45, a staple is driven through the word “Blaze”
To be continued….
