Retro Prefect - Crazy Taxi

Crazy Taxi is all about people deluding themselves. While the four protagonists insist they lead a ‘crazy’ existence to try and appear more interesting to people at parties they are in actual fact the same as every other lowly cabby ferrying ungrateful patrons to the KFC while engaging them in casually racist conversations.

BD Joe may think that putting mysterious initials in front of his name (after much research I found that BD actually stands for ‘Bombastic Dinosaur’) makes him look cool but he also thinks that wearing one of those fisherman hats makes him look cool so we probably shouldn’t be trusting his fashion sense.*

Obligatory ‘none-man’ Gina thinks that referring to the money she earns as “Crazy Money” makes the fact that she never became a dentist easier to bare. She knows deep down there is nothing crazy about not being able to pay the rent because you couldn’t take a Vicar to Tower Records in under ten seconds.

The Green haired Axel hopes that if he saves up enough money he will be able to buy a shirt, more importantly he dreams of one day going back to his job of smashing punks in the face with an iron bar. (The joke is that it’s the same Axel from Streets of Rage, fallen on hard times due to the waning popularity of the scrolling beat-em-up. Actually Gina looks like a less tarty Blaze and BD Joe could be a grown up Skate. Gus is probably a Galcia turned away from his evil ways. That or Sega really like the name Axel)

Gus actually gave up on his life long ago and doesn’t believe his Taxi is all that crazy. However he keeps up the pretence to give hope to the younger crazy taxi drivers – he is based on Judd Hirsch from Independence Day.

This doesn’t mean that Crazy Taxi is a bad game though, after all Gears of War is all about a team of men pretending not to be gay and that seems to have shifted a few copies. In fact its possible to glean a fair bit of ‘enjoyment’ from Crazy Taxi as you barrel around marvelling at the product placement and trying to attain the hallowed S-Rank. (It is a known fact that Japanese people don’t understand the alphabet and so constantly place S higher than A. We can’t really complain though as we can’t even write their alphabet.)

I realise I have yet to explain how the game is played, but surely everyone knows that by now? To sum up in one sentence – “You have to go to a place get a man take him to another place and hope the time doesn’t run out.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about then go do the taxis missions on Grand Theft Auto but imagine that you couldn’t run people over because they keep diving out of the way and also the world is bright and happy instead of crime ridden and miserable.

Oh and also imagine you are listening to awful music.

Poor Sega in an attempt to grab the attention of ungrateful children decided to break from their own fantastically produced sounds to some horrible licensed tracks that always play on exactly the same loop. Blink 182? More like gang of twats. Stop moaning and make way for magical sound shower.

Therefore Crazy Taxi is a good game but it could have been a GREAT game on par with Outrun 2  - if only it hadn’t been for young peoples music. THANKS A LOT PETE WATERMAN.

Crazy Taxi gets a ‘It’s time to make some crazy money are ya ready? Here! We! Go!’ out of a ‘constantly running out of time taking that man to the baseball stadium.’



* A true story about those fisherman hats. Is that I once had an acquaintance who started wearing one of those fisherman hats all the time for no real reason. (I think he had seen a documentary about Ibiza on ITV) Anyway one day we were walking to a bus stop and these people shouted ‘fisherman’ at him. He never wore that fisherman hat again but insisted that the incident had nothing to do with it.

Today's Work - Remembering...

Remember the old days? Of course you do much better than the now days! In the old days they had the following objects ‘Space Hobble’, ‘Sega Mario System’, ‘Space Raiders 10p’, ‘Go-Bots’ and ‘Spangle Sweets’. Of course all these objects were sent to the moon by galaxy King Neville and so they cans no longer be enjoyed. The only thing that can be entertainment now is LADY GAGA POKER FACE

However you can still also have fun by reminiscing about the past and saying “Remember that hah!” It is even more fun if you don’t actually remember the thing or remember it incorrectly for example ‘Ghostbusters Ambulance’. Here is the memories:

Old Sweets: In the olden times all the sweets was costing just 10p especially a 10p mix up and also 10p mix up was having MILLION SWEETS in it.  Some sweets to remember are flying saucers, gummy crocodiles, chocolate mice, Titan Bar, Desperate Dan chew and Spangle sweet. They do not make these sweets anymore so don’t even bother going into shops and asking for them as you will come away disappointed. The only sweets available now are ‘Tuton Bar’. Remember how sweets used to be much bigger for example the size of a house and also only used to cost a pittance, that is why obesity is such a problem in this country smaller more expensive sweets. Remember how your hand used to be smaller than they are now; well stop remembering it as it is IRRELEVANT.

Old Music: ‘Back in the day’ people used to listen to PROPER MUSIC but now the children just listen to a cacophony. Why don’t they just listen to the same music as their parents just like when you were a youngster and everyone liked the same thing? It gets very annoying having to hear new kinds of music all the time, if only there was a way to somehow listen to music other than what is played on the radio. For example some sort of ‘pod’ which you could put the music inside and then listen to whenever you wanted. Unfortunately that is impossible as only the Desk Jockeys working on the Radio possess the complex machinery required to process an EP into sound.

Old Cartoon: Do you remember the old cartoon when looking back on the old cartoon it seems like certain characters may have been GAY or ON DRUGS. This is because in those times being GAY or ON DRUGS had yet to be invented and so such behaviours were considered normal. For example on ‘Heroic Man Funf” Blast man is only wearing  a leather thong and his saying ‘Lets blast all over your face’ seems highly inappropriate also I can certainly derive humour from the idea of a talking panther. In real life Panther’s are notoriously silent! What were the people thinking of when they designed a talking panther, probably they were thinking of absorbing drugs into their systems and then using the psychedelic effects to design talking animals. Your favourite old cartoon was Terrence-robots where all the robots turn into people called Terrence and join in a decathlon. The leader of the Terrence-robots was Orson Pevancy who you liked best of all due to his lack of distinguishing features.

Old Flavours for Crisps: They used to do flavours like Beef Dripping, Saturated Vinegar and Whalebone why don’t they do these flavours anymore. Also the bags of crisps used to have a little window to see the crisps but now you can no longer see the crisps and instead of crisps it might just be air. (And a noise recorder doing the rustle noise that crisps would make.) Furthermore there are now fancy crisps such as kettle crisps and Roysters. Why don’t they just admit they are just the same as other crisps but more fancy!? i.e. Poshington Fromage and Shallots = Cheese and Onion, Sweet Chilli = Worchester Sauce and Spelt Gnocchi = Transform-A-Snack.

 Old School: Remember how Mr Fenderson always used to wear a hat during lessons but hats were strictly forbidden for pupils! Who could forget the amazing pranks played by ‘Tanner’ Hatchins such as releasing frogs into the school area and summoning Dormamu during woodmaking lessons.  They really were the best days of your life. Here is a joke about that statement “Which just goes to show how rubbish your life is!” Then you can laugh at the joke even though it is true. I looked up my school chums on friends reunited even though it no longer exists, here is the results.

* Ronson Peters – Data Entry
* Belvis Bresley– King of Wales
* RentonThunderbolt – Racist
* Jarocks Alpha – Racist
* Leslie Fong – Children
* Macafee Mountback – Short-lived Success
* Jarocks Beta – Data Entry (Closet Racist)
* Adam Jengles – Twat
* Hobokes Hellington – Army (Closet Racist)
* Allan Scneider – Justice Fist
* Grace Process – ‘Artist’
* Barrensburgh – Children (Not Seen)
* Dranzwig Ing – Predictable Failure
* ‘Gaz’ – Unreasonably content
* Layton Balfour – Married
* Chaz Double – Age gap relationship
* Necro Slazenger – Goth
* Chaz Frankfurt – Visigoth
* Kredo Walton  - NHS
* Zolbazz the Wise – Deported
* Oralt LaCroix – Racist
* Joseph Bourbon – Star Witness
* Arlington Neglect – Fabricated Illness

Of course school was much tougher in the old days, pupils were often killed with machetes and teacher had spring legs. At playtime you used to play British Bullion where you have to get all the gold bullion out of Italy on a bus and not let it crash off a cliff. “Hold on lads I’ve been to Ikea” and then he props up the bus with his billy bookcase!

Old Toys: You didn’t have the likes of ‘Ben 10’ in your day although if you did you could say this “More like BENT 10” and then you would be laughing all the way to the bank. In the past the most popular toy was Organised Patrol and they had to put an advert in the paper saying “We aren’t playing hard to get” because they had all sold out and Uncle Pete couldn’t get one anywhere! In the end he had a wacky adventure trying to get a toy of ‘Organised Patrol Section Head Steven Kildare” where he was fighting against a mentally ill postman and a goat. At the end he accidentally joined a parade dressed as ‘Organised Patrol Section Head Steven Kildare’ and we were bitterly disappointed!
       
Another toy from the past was ‘POGS’ which stood for ‘Potential Olive Grove Site’ and was fun for anyone looking to set up an olive oil factory. The aim of the toy was to collect little plastic pieces of map which would lead you to the best location for growing juicy olives, the irony was the land was already owned by Pogman so you had to throw bits of metal at his head to kill him. Eventually they made a knock off version of POGS called TAZOS (Tomato Agriculture Zone Observation Site) however nobody wanted to build telescopes just to look at tomatoes and the whole idea was a bust.

Old Places: Where there is a bank now there used to be a slightly different bank and before that pub used to be a sweet shop run by a bee hive. Also the Alhambra centre is now called ‘The Mall’ and has a ‘Mall Monster’. (The Mall Monster is a wonky version of Sulley from Monsters Inc). You used to go drinking in local boozer designated “Fox and Cartwright” but now it has changed its name to “Chezzington Square” also the booze has changed from “Archers” to “Castlemaine XXX – the next level”

Old Fashion: Cripes! The clothes people wore in those days were certainly not the same as those commonly worn today. Just look at the hairstyles compared to these hairstyles, what were the people of the past thinking? I think the past decades must be the decades that fashion forgot. Why did they not dress all modern like what we do now?

Old Films: They no longer make films anymore and all old films were burnt in a big furnace by Barry Norman. There is no way to watch old films now so instead we have to watch everything in 3D even though it costs more money. You could take the option to not watch it in 3D but that would be insane! Furthermore films these days are about things like Blue Men which is totally unrealistic wheras before they used to be about a man eating a shoe and a big robot called gort. i.e. reflecting everyday life.

END OF MEMORIES.

Today's Work - Gameztime.com

Tremendous Car Pilfering

Having recently escaped from jail/the army/an abusive relationship Derek ‘DK’ Lambert has to start a brand new life of crime on the unforgiving streets of Hoyland. He starts off on the low rungs doing odd jobs for crime bosses like ‘Bent Peter’ or ‘Jango Fred’ as the game progresses he  rises up the ranks to the prestigious position of doing odd jobs for other crime bosses like ‘Grand Boss Fenstrate’ and “Rotrom the underhanded” . Many of these jobs involve following people’s cars at a specific distance or driving a car very slowly so that it isn’t damaged.

Also you can murder prostitutes.

9/10


World of Combat: Advanced Modern Army Shooting

You play “Tezzer” a special Army Man who has to fight baddies with his squadron of mates “Renton” “Ghost” and “Lampwick”. Not only can you wield a variety of weapons like the Shotgun, Machine Gun and Rocket Launcher but you can also give your squadron commands like “Attack the men” or “don’t attack the men….yet”.
The best thing about this game is how you can get a Sniper Rifle but can’t really use it because all the enemies run up to you and shoot you in the face. The other best thing is how instead of a health bar you just guess.

10/10


World of Fentiman

Wander across the world of Fentiman doing tasks for assorted fantasy characters with regional accents until you get enough equipment to slay the DARK LORD who is spreading a terrible MALADY across the LAND. A fresh new RPG from the makers of World of Space Fentiman featuring an all new battle system where your party attack continuously and you do nothing but suggest spells they may wish to try. (Spells include healing spell, powerful non elemental attack spell and spells you will never use because MP restoring items are hard to come by and they do less damage than just punching.) Probably the best thing about this game is that it features up to 1000 ill defined status effects such as “Thorny, Morose, Objectified and Excited”.

8/10


Burn the Rubber 7: Go Faster Please.

Illegal street racing is much more exciting than legal racing because it involves souping up cars and bald people looking angry at traffic lights. That’s why the latest in the semi-successful ‘Burn the Rubber’ series lets you drive around an open world looking for people to race, but don’t try to get into a race with the wrong people or they won’t want to race! Other features of this game include more makes of car than ever before – all with slightly different shapes of bonnet. Not only that but you can choose different kinds of wheels and adjust the tension of every individual car sprocket. A real must have for fans of top cat!

9/10


Logarithm

In the futuristic world of the future RPG elements combine ineffectually with a first person shooter in order to create a first person shooter where you can also pick locks! At the start of the game you can customise your character with up to six different faces and then set his stats for lockpicking, shooting and conversation. This means you can play the game exactly the way you want so long as you want to play the game by shooting everyone or picking locks and then someone sneaks up behind you so you have to shoot them anyway. This game also features many moral choices which effect the gameplay i.e. if you kill everyone then people will not sell you things as they will be dead whereas if you are nice to everyone you will get bored. This also effects the branching storyline which means how you play actually effects the story! You can play through many times and never experience the same thing twice. (Except for the first two hours which will be exactly the same.) This is much better than having the developer tell you a story, just like choose your adventure books are better than real books.

8/10


Johnny Tell Me What to Do

If you aren’t capable of looking after yourself and making basic decisions then this new DS game is certainly going to let you play some Sudoku. JTMWD is a lifestyle app which will actually run your life for you and therefore make you a better person. In the morning the titular Johnny (Professor John Stein of the life max academy) will gently coerce you into doing exercises, order you to walk to work and then force you to do brain training exercises until home time. Don’t worry the fun doesn’t stop there as JTMWD will also tell you what to cook and when the bets time to go to sleep is. Of course if you start ignoring the game or doing it wrong Johnny will be displeased and make snarky comments about you “Well if you WANT to be a fatty then it’s not my business.” The fun doesn’t stop their, if you ignore the game for too long a man from Nintendo will come and bundle you into a van. We can’t tell you what happens after that as those people are never heard from again.

If you suspect your friends, neighbours, parents or colleagues are not doing the requisite amount of fun brain exercise then it is your civic duty to alert the ministry.

7/10


Swordboy Online

Online playing is the future of games because you get all the fun of repetitive tasks with the added bonus of talking to strangers and paying subscription fees to big corporations. At present Swordboy Online is the biggest game around with up to 30 millions subscriptions and an economy bigger than Sweden. This is mostly because internet chat rooms were all closed in 2003 so pretending to be a barbarian is now the best way to make facile short term friendships and annoy strangers. (Except for going onto Isketch and drawing gollywogs)
The best thing about Swordboy online is that instead of being the hero of the game you are just another insignificant cog in the economy, just like in real life!

6/10


Hopper

Remember the old days when games looked rubbish and were stupidly hard? Thanks to indie developers those days are back again. Even quick browse on the indie bit of Xbox live arcade will give you an almost unlimited choice of robotron clones, tower defence games and Amiga style platformers. Hopper is itself a platform game with a ‘unique’ (ugly) art style and a twist in the gameplay. The twist is that the game is very hard and is a waste of time, also it is British which means it features traditional British humour. (Sheeps) Everyone should life Hopper because modern games are much too easy for autistic people and because it is better to encourage one person to do something rubbish for not much money than to encourage a lot of people to do something brilliant for a lot of money.

5/10


Tammer’s Party Game Madness!

Popular sportsman Bentworth ‘Tammers’ Tamworth presents a series of fun mini games that you can play with friends which makes it mega FUN. Of course doing anything with your friends is fun (that’s why they are your friends) so it’s hard to objectively judge the merits of this collection of 7 mini games but the time we were playing ‘Beatle Drive – in force!’ when Baz shouted “Not taxes” was the funniest thing that has ever happened. Not only that but watching people wave their arms around is very funny, especially when you realise that the wii-mote is a piece of rubbish technology rather than a magic wand and you can just flick your wrist to much the same effect! Of course the cherry on the cake is the voice over from ‘Tammers’ himself – “Lets go at it Tammers and Hongs!”

7/10


Guitar Playing 4: Rock and Roll it

Everyone in the world loves the Guitar Playing series of games and we are all happy to ignore the fact that it stole the idea from Konami and replaced specially written J-Pop with music by bands you don’t like. That’s because you DO like some of the bands i.e. Sharkbastard and you want to pretend to be the main guitar person using a specialised plastic guitar. Why don’t you learn to play a real guitar? Shut up! Why don’t you learn to jump on real turtles? This game is even better than the last one because they have added even more songs you haven’t heard of by bands you have vaguely heard of. What’s wrong with the singles? Don’t you realise that most albums are all filler no killer? More important this game ROCKS we know it ROCKS because every time you do a song it says ROCK and then when you pick your options it says ROCK ON ROCKINGTON and the main character is a man with a spikey shoulder called ROCKIN’ PETE. (He is voiced by Jack Black)

Here is some jokes about Jack Black

Q. What is Jack Black’s favourite film?
A. Men in Black!

Q. Why do people think King Kong is a good film?
A. Because Jack Black has a moustache in it!

Q. Who is Jack Black’s archenemy?
A. Jack White!

Q. Why is ‘Be kind and please rewind my video’ such a terrible film?
A. Because it’s too long and the other man keeps mumbling!

8/10


H.A.R.D Combat

Take control of Mark Harding as he speaks in gravely tones and punches mutants back to the Stone Age. This is no subtle game; it’s all about learning combos or at least mashing the buttons incessantly. Be wary of the huge bosses who all circle around the stage and try to grab you with giant hands hoping you don’t try and punch them in the eye. If they didn’t want you to punch them in the eye why did they lay their hands down for you to climb!? Mark himself is a tough customer who says outrageous things like “I’m going to kill you BITCH” and “GRUUUUUU”. This lets us know that he is a tough man who solves every problem with violence, except for a stealth bit in the middle that he has to solve with stealth. (It is impossible to fight a guard if he has an ill defined field of vision). Players will love the gritty atmosphere and amount of pure violence contained in this game. (At one point Mark even pokes a man in the eye with a biro)

6/10

A funny joke about Lembit Opik.

Q. What is Lembit Opik's favourite Pokemon?
A. Lembit Vulpix!

Today's Work - Alfred Pennyworth’s hilarious war crimes.

Bruce Wayne’s faithful butler Alfred might be an indispensable part of his war on crime. (i.e. the part relating to sewing up holes in the batsuit and making breakfast.) but he also keeps his masters spirits up with stories of all the atrocities he has committed.

Who can forget the scene in Batman Begins where Alfred tells his story about burning down a forest in order to catch a local bandit? It certainly brought a rare smile to Batman’s face! It seems that war crimes are the kind of crimes Batman can get behind, if only his parents had been shot by soldiers of the British empire he could have had a normal life.

Here are Alfred’s top five memories of his time as an instrument of a massive colonial power.

5. Rounding up the Mem Mem’s into a “Citizen Relocation Facility” (prison camp) and then giving them “Supplies” (TB infected crates.) That will teach them to ask for the vote!

4. “Getting to know” the local village women. It’s all fine if they give consent, he might not have understood their language but you don’t say no to a man who is threatening you with a high power rifle.

3. Telling the Ganados he was going to help them build a really nice water park and then telling them to build a big hole for the foundations. Imagine their surprise when he pushed them all in the hole and filled it with soil.

2. Chaining all the Yammers to a big rock and making them work in a Haribo factory. When they asked to be paid he told them they still owed money for the chains! (Then he whipped one of them into a coma as a lesson to the others)

1. Firing Ghandi out of a cannon.

Today's Work - Goodnight Mr Obama

So in an effort to stop the leader of the free world harping on about the misadventures of the Trotter brothers I introduced him to Nicholas Lyndhurst vehicle “Good night Sweetheart”. Not that it’s any better than Only Fools and Horses but I was at the point where I would do anything rather than watch the one where he falls through the bar AGAIN.

Here are some of the comments provided by the President on the time travelling antics of Gary Sparrow. (Also this time it actually was Barack Obama and not the fake president from Final Fantasy VIII, I know this because I tried using a Phoenix down on him and the effects were negligible.)

- Barack Obama likes how instead of being called ‘Rodney’ he is called ‘Garry Sparrow’ although he thinks Trigger would still call him Dave. I told Barack Obama we weren’t talking about Trigger today but then he kept asking me whether it had anything to do with channel Dave. (I said it did just to keep him quiet. In reality channel Dave is called channel Dave because all the marketing people at channel Dave are raging twats)

- He also says that the moral of Goodnight Sweetheart is that it’s perfectly ok to have an affair so long as your wife is a total bitch and it involves a potentially universe destroying time paradox. The other moral of Goodnight Sweetheart is that fat people cannot time travel.

- Obama likes that it was very easy to impersonate a member of the secret service in wartime Britain using only a modern printing press, luckily the Germans never tried inventing new kinds of printer that could make cards saying “Garry Sparrow = Spy” or we would all be in trouble!

- The American version of ‘Goodnight Sweetheart’ is called ‘Chase it baby’ and features Gregory Hawk going back to last week and viciously beating his wife. “Its not as funny as the original” says Obama.

- Obama’s favourite character is the dopey police officer who for some reason also works in a pub – possibly due to rationing. “Luckily he wasn’t a U.S ‘cop’ or he would have probably ended up shooting the wrong person and I don’t mean shooting them a soccerball, I mean shooting them a bullet!.”

- Eagled eyed viewers will note that the wife from the past used to be played by the woman from Ballykissangel but later went on to be played by a woman with a sofa for a face. His wife from the past made a similarly physical change although neither wife had ever appeared in Ballykissnagel so nobody really noticed. Obama says that Garry Sparrow never notices these things due to the “disorientating effects of time travel”. I pushed him further on this but he looked distressed and started mumbling about the never ending armies of Overlord Zin.
(If you are reading this in the future then I hope it is designated enjoyment period or you will be sent to adjustment centre b for ‘readjustment.)

- Barack Obama escaped to the past in order to kill the man that would one day become the unstoppable Overlord Zin. Little does he realise that he himself is Overlord Zin, using knowledge of the future to ensure his world takeover.  The things Barack Obama has brought from the future are

1. Ray Gun
2. Space Hat
3. Time Machine
4. Beano Annual 3005

- In the Beano Annual 3005 the main story is Cyber Dennis who annoys the local population of futuristic Beanotown by shooting them with his laser catapult or putting computer controlled whoopee cushions under their space chairs. Watch out Cyber Dennis! Looks like Cyber Dennis’s dad is going to get him with the photon slipper!

- Pneumatic Desperate Dan is also in the Beano 3005 because in the future the Dandy has folded and its characters merged into the Beano – just like Wizzer and Chips. Pneumatic Dan likes to eat ‘Bovine Pies’ which are made from genetically engineer soya protetins as all cows were wiped out in the great milk purge.

- Barack Obama’s favourite story in the beano annual 3005 is “The sector nine mutants vs. the Geordies” Hilariously the Geordies are also becoming mutants due to their  constant exposure to the beta rays given off by the freaks from sector nine.

- The last episode of ‘Goodnight Sweetheart’ sees Garry Sparrow get trapped in the olden days; however he uses his knowledge of future events to sleep with every woman in Britain. That’s something more suitable for “BILL CLINTON” jokes Obama who is always LOYAL TO HIS WIFE.

- Barack Obama would like it if Goodnight Sweetheart featured an episode where Garry Sparrow banned a man from America for calling him a prick. “He doesn’t’ really think he’s a terrorist but he reckons if someone thinks he’s such a prick then they must not want to come into his country. Its not like that boy was going to go to America anyway so why is it such a problem?”

- If I sent this to the Whitehouse I would be welcomed to America with open arms and Barack Obama would give me a cowboy hat.

- If Barack Obama went back in time and had an affair he would use a false name so as not to get caught. His false name would be Garry Sparrow.

Here is a joke I said to Barack Obama

“I bet you like to watch it in the Obama!”

He didn’t laugh.

Today's Work - A revelation about fashionable tops.

For a good couple of years I had presumed all those men were walking around with Gio Gio on their fashion tops. It surprised me to find that on closer inspection it actually said “Georgio”.

This is a mixed blessing. I do now understand how the sequel to JoJo’s bizarre adventure has such a following amongst fashionable if thuggish young men despite the manga not being translated into English. It also makes sense of the funny jokes my Uncle Pete says when he calls Asda George “Georgio” and then everybody laughs but me. I still wouldn’t laugh because I never laugh in public but at least I would know it actually meant something and wouldn’t try to get him into the old folks home with dementia.
(Sorry Uncle Pete but its all sold now so you’ll just have to make the best of it.)

However it also adds to the stack of evidence that suggests I can’t actually read and have just been guessing all along. How else can I explain spending 25 years of my life believing marshmallows were called marshmellows? I can only find solace in the fact that most books now contain pictures or come on tapes read by Stephen Fry.

The moral of the story is that asking who Georgio is not a funny joke, it would be like asking who Ikea is and nobody does that.

(Christophe Ikea is the man what invented Billy Bookcase, a product I have no use for due to my inability to read.)

As a bonus here is a slogan for Ikea

“I like here – due to Ikea” (Accompanied by an image of a young family enjoying their Billy Bookcase filled home)

Humour Cat Images

A picture of a cat? On the internet? It may sound cliche but dont forget these images feature ironically mispelled captions!

An ethical dilemma

If you look through your neighbours window and see a big pink bear and a balloon saying “It’s a girl” do you send then a card about ‘Well done for reproducing’ and thereby admit you were looking through the window. Or will they be so swept up in the joy of ruining their lives that they will not think about how you can by the information? After all you wouldn’t want them to think you were some sort of evil ogre! (Which is a pressing concern because they kept signing for parcels which were all club shaped. Actually they were all bominockers with bubble wrap round the spikes so stop making assumptions neighbours!)

Two ‘punch lines’

1.    More importantly should I set their house on fire?

2.    Why was I looking in their window … I was bored!

There is a possible third…but it’s very racist!

A thing I have seen - "Minerals"

Here is a thing I have seen -
an ice cream van bearing the slogan “Ices, Minerals, Lollies”

It would be briefly amusing but ultimately pointless to pretend it meant minerals such as you might dig up from the earth i.e. iron ore, so instead I asked the draft board what she thought it meant. She said it might mean “mineral water” but I don’t think people really refer to mineral water as ‘Minerals’ or buy it from ice cream vans. Also people don’t really drink mineral water anymore the drink volcano organic water or 7up.

Here is how funny it would have been if I pretended I thought he was selling actual minerals:

So I thought is he like carrying iron ore on his van!? What kind of kid likes iron ore? “Oh a ’99 and some quartz please.” What does he have for his chimes? The mineral song! No doubt all these mineral selling opportunities are just a front for a PEADOPHILE.

I considered stopping the van and asking the ice cream man what it meant but realised he probably didn’t care.

Today's Work - "Trigger is my favourite"

The crux of the matter is that I met Barack Obama the president of the United States and he just kept talking about Only Fools and Horses.
This is an amusing joke, here is why.

The conversation begins “I have every episode of Seinfeld on DVD you know”. A knowingly pathetic attempt to impress an American man with knowledge of his culture, hilarious. Although there is truth to this because I DO actually have every episode of Seinfeld on DVD the best one is where the man gives him a pen.

“I like your pen”

“Have the pen “

“Give me my pen back”

“Ok, here is the pen back”

Ironic then that the president of America is only interested in a British sitcom and dosent even want to watch the episode where Newman tries to smuggle embryos from the island in a can of shaving foam but is killed en route by a Dilophosaurus.

Here are some of the things Barack Obama likes about Only fools and Horses.

* Trigger is Obama’s favourite character because he is stupid and claims to own the world’s oldest mop. He thought it was a bit frightening when he was the boss of the cybermen though. What would Denzil say about that? Nothing as he had already been converted into Cyberdenzil!

* He likes it when Trigger calls Rodney ‘Dave’ because his name is not Dave it is actually Rodney! Obama’s response is to imagine a situation in which Rodney Dangerfield is called “Dave Dangerfield” and the film “Rover Dangerfield” making even less sense than it does at the moment.

* He did cry a bit when they made all the money by finding a watch and then Boycie says “I bought the rolls so you buy the gnolls” and then his army of gnolls attack everyone and steal the money. He didn’t actually see that episode but he assumes that why Boycie is now hiding out in the Green Greens.

Boycie: “Marlene has you seen by Roller Royce car?”


Marlene: “Yes Boycie it was crushed by whispy woods”


Boycie: “Oh no not the penguin, more like THE JOKER hehheheheheheheheheheheheh”

And then Kirby absorbs their powers.

* Barack Obama would like to go on the Jolly Boys outing ‘darn to margate’ but he wouldn’t want to catch Denzil’s ear infection!

* He doesn’t understand the episodes where Del Boy is solving crimes instead of buying ‘dodgy gear’ from ‘monkey Harris’.

* He likes how Mickey Pearce has apparently worn the same clothes every day of his life. He also likes how he bobs his head around like a robot. “Appropriate greeting Rodney, are you enjoying my hat. It is not a hat at all but the top of my robotic head”.

* Rodney looked a right ‘plonker’ with his fake pony tail as if he was wearing a Davey Crockett hat!

* Barack Obama once called George Bush a ‘plonker’ but George Bush didn’t understand what he was on about because he only likes ‘My Family’. He especially likes the ones where the son is constantly using his BT home hub to keep in contact with an annoying woman – hilarious!

* Barack Obama is sick of hearing about the episode of My Family where the mother is a flap of skin on a space station and she has broken all the windows in order to kill the Mox of Balhoon. Personally he wonders why they produced so many Mox of Balhoon action figures when he’s just some blue guy sat on a chair who has one line and is then melted, at least Boba Fett had a jet pack!

* If Rodney and Del Boy do the fusion dance they become “Rodboy” and their special move would be Cosmic Batman Ray. They had to do this once in order to fight Perfect Uncle Albert after he managed to sink every boat in the navy and a gravy boat an all!

* Barack Obama thinks that in real life Counciller Murray would be too stupid to be elected to office. “After all Batman lives in Gotham city!”. Also Robin has been written out of the batman franchise to make way for Morgan Freeman taking issue with things.

Morgan Freeman:  “I don’t like this computer that will help us stop a man dressed as a clown from blowing things up…but I’ll use it anyway”

Batman: “Gordon Freeman more like!”

* Imagine Del Boy becoming a police grass…it nearly happened but actually he was only grassing himself up. That made Jim Broadbent look a right nerk!

* Obama’s favourite episode is where Rodney commits a rape and hides in the rafters taking drugs. “That’s something we can all relate to.” Luckily he only sexually assaulted a known prostitute and so got away with it scot free. Thankfully the Del Boy brothers get away with all their crimes because they are harmless  (their crimes include theft, illegal street vending, rape, drugs use, crashing aeroplanes into Peckham, selling radioactive water, diamond smuggling, arson, making sexy films and trying to start a nuclear war)

* Barrack Obama maybe the leader of the free world but he certainly wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of the Driscoll brothers! One might be just Mike  from the young ones but they certainly don’t mess about. “Just look what happened to Del Boy, he took some serious tar and feathers”.

* Obama especially enjoys the early episodes which feature quite a lot of casual racism mostly aimed at the character of Denzil. Making fun of minorities is just good old fashioned fun and it can’t be offensive because it’s a British treasure. Its just like when David Jason tried to say a racist joke on the radio, he wasn’t really being racist he was just being funny!

* Here is a funny racist joke. “Why did the minority perform action? Because of negative characteristic of that minority!”

* Barack Obama is not being racist but sometimes he feels like there are more foreigners in the country than normal people! Don’t get him wrong some of his best friends are Indian but they don’t even make an effort to learn our language and we just give them handouts. It’s a bloody disgrace, my nephew went for a job and they said they wanted to give it to him but because of human rights they had to offer it to a Polish person first. Also the Polish person was Rathamon and he cast a spell of living stone on all the people that worked their and if anyone complained they were being ‘racist. Political correctness gone mad if you ask me. I bet if you went abroad and did that they would gouge your eyes out with a shoe horn and then cook you on a barbecue

Barack Obama says “I like to watch Only Fools and Horses in my barracks” and then all his minions laugh but I did not laugh and he gets very angry and keeps saying it.

“In the Barracks”

“IN THE BARRACKS”

“BARRACKS”

And while he is saying this his face is getting bigger and bigger and you realise it is not Barack Obama at all but the fake president from Final Fantasy VIII. It seems like a tough fight at first until you realise that you can instant kill him with a phoenix down. It seems to me that he was only watching Only Fools and Horses because he though he thought their might be an episode where they paint Mayor Dobe’s house but accidentally kill Flo’s gold chocobo with paint fumes and have to buy her a new one. The pet shop man charges them a fortune for the new chocobo but Flo realises instantly because the chocobo was dead before they even started! (And for some reason she is annoyed despite them painting her house AND buying her a new pet)

Today's Work - A thought exercise on royal succession

A series of facts.

Fact 1: When/If the Queen dies everyone will get the day off work to be sad.
Fact 2: I don’t own a television and so will be unable to join in the day of national mourning.
Fact 3: I will instead use this day to complete the disappointing Prince of Persia reboot.
Fact 4: When/If the Queen dies then whoever is next in line to the throne will become King.
Fact 5: When we get a new king everyone will get the day off for the coronation and say “Long live the King”.
Fact 6: I don’t own a television and so will be unable to view the coronation.
Fact 7: I will instead use the day to plough further into the mess that is Final Fantasy XIII.

Conclusion of facts – Too many people are waiting for an old woman to die, which isn’t a nice situation to be in. Especially if that old woman is your mother and you just desperately want a turn at being king- just for a bit.

It seems to me that an elegant solution would be to put an age limit on the royal family so after a while they are forced to retire. Thus conferring the following advantages –

+ 1 extra day off for coronation every 20 years.
+ 5 to morale of country for having sexy young monarchs.

Unfortunately this doesn’t solve the main problem of having a royal family which so far as I can tell is that evil uncles are constantly trying to steal the throne by going back in time to not save their brothers life from a lion attack or by the use of a magic lamp.

It would probably be better if we just chose our kings at random using a lottery system or perhaps Big Brother style audition videos featuring people making bold racist statements or going down hills in shopping trolleys.*

*It’s unfortunate that the producers of Big Brother turned to live auditions as watching the audition videos on E4 (in those days the channel was known as Channel Four DX)  was easily more entertaining than the actual programme and gave a real insight into the character of the nation. (Racism and Jackass style ‘stunts’)

This is the long winded way of me demanding to be king, it was either that or a ghoulish account of breaking into the royal palace and murdering everyone from humble butler to mighty head of state. How could I guarantee that I would win the monarch lottery? Easy! I broke into the lottery HQ and murdered everyone from humble lottery administrator to mighty lottery emperor.

My first act as king? Buy a new cloak with a big K on the back! (Also encourage people to call me ‘big K’.

My second act as king is to throw all my evil uncles onto a fire. (I can tell they are evil because they have pointy beards and constantly smirk at the camera when they think I’m not looking.)

Morris Monster Jokes - Werewolf and Creature from the Black Lagoon Jokes

Werewolf Jokes

Q. Are you alright now?
A. Yeeeeeeeeesssssssssss

Q. What did the Werewolf get for Christmas?
A. Crumbs!

Q. What do Werewolves eat?
A. Howlers!

Q. What happened when the werewolf got a haircut?
A. He felt a little strange!

Q. What’s the difference between a Werewolf and a Viking?
A. One howls at the moon the other lives on a dune!

Q. Where do Werewolves go on holiday?
A. Clawtondale!

Q. What is the king of the Werewolves called?
A. Geffrons

Q. Why did the Werewolf howl?
A. Because the Vampire hkesteral!

Q. Where do Werewolves do their shopping?
A. Wolfrose!

Q. What do you call a Werewolf on the beach?
A. Cliff!

Q. Why did the Werewolf go to town?
A. To buy Teen Wolf on DVD.

Q. What is a Werewolf’s favourite film?
A. Fenris Buellers day off!

Q. What do you call a famous Werewolf?
A. Jonathan Rough!

Q. What do you get if you cross a Psychiatrist with a Werewolf?
A. J.Talcrane!


Q. Which sports are Werewolves good at?
A. Hairballs!

Q. Knock Knock. Who’s there?
A. Therewolf!

Q. What do Werewolves have for breakfast?
A. Theories!

Q. What do you call a gay Werewolf?
A. Fenrir Elton John.

Q. What Werewolf is best at painting?
A. Wererolf!

Q. What’s Werewolf Aide Critchley’s special move?
A. Werewolf Critchleys Hitchley!

Q. What did the Werewolf say to the petrol pump?
A. Wolf your finger out of your ear!

Q. Where do Werewolves get married?
A. Gretna Grrrrreen!

Q. How much bread do Werewolves get through?
A. Loaves and Loaves!


Creature from the Black Lagoon jokes

Q. What is the Creature from the Black Lagoon’s favourite game?
A. Lagoon!

Q. What do you get if you cross the Creature from the Black Lagoon with a peanut?
A. Creature from the Black Legume!

Q. Who is the Creatures from the Black Lagoon’s favourite TV presenter?
A. Cilla Black! (Lagoon)

Q. What is the Creature from the Black Lagoon’s favourite Nick Park animation?
A. Creature (from the Black Lagoon) comforts!

Q. What do you call a Creature from the Black Lagoon who is getting married?
A. Creature from the Black Lagroom!

Q. What do you call a Creature from the Black Lagoon on drugs?
A. Creature from the Crack Lagoon!

Q. What does the Creature from the Black Lagoon eat?
A. Black Lagoon forest gateaux, Black Lagoon Pudding and Black Lagoon people.

Q. Where does the Creature from the Black Lagoon go on holiday?
A. BlackLagoonPool!

Q. What is the Creature from The Black Lagoon’s favourite film?
A. National Lagoons Christmas Vacation!

Q. What does the Creature from the Black Lagoon sleep on?
A. A bed of weeds!

Q. What is the Creature from the Black Lagoon’s favourite magazine?
A. Zoo! (It’s full of all the latest footer, motors and fit birds!)

Q. Where does the Creature from the Black Lagoon download his ringtones?
A. Jam-stir!

Q. Why did the Creature from the Black Lagoon regret putting forward an unpopular suggestion?
A. He received a lot of Flak (Lagoon) for it!

Q. What’s the difference between the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Creature from the White Lagoon?
A. The Creature from the Black Lagoon makes this look good.

LaFemme's Pen(s) - Summer Hits

To: Never Enough Notes Magazine
Subject: Summer Hits

Dear ‘Note’able

Please enjoy my sample review. I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best

- R.LaFemme


The Sunkist Summer Hits tape might sound like a ‘car cophony’ to some but to its fans it’s a real ‘driving force’. By which I mean an essential purchase for mother’s car when being ferried long distances. (i.e. from home to Meadowhall to do some shopping). What qualifies this double cassette to be the definitive sound of summer? Everything that’s what!

For starters it’s sponsored by Sunkist, the ultimate in summer refreshments. You might not be able to get it in most shops but you can certainly get hold of cans intended for miscellaneous Middle Eastern states. Some might say that it coats your throat with a sort of orange mucus but most orange based drinks do that, it’s what summer is all about! You can also take advantage of the special offer included with the tape to get a FREE Sunkist T-shirt.(£10.99 p&p) Essential summer wear, the short sleeves allow cool air to circulate in the hot weather and of course show off your sleeve tattoos to the ladies. (That is if they can take their eyes off the striking Sunkist logo on your chest – go get ‘em stud.)

The summer hits tape also features an image of the sun. However he is not depicted as a mere ball of burning gas rather he is a smiley fellow who even dons a pair of sunglasses. Ironic as he would actually be trying to block out his own bright rays. However we shouldn’t question his facial adornment too much as then we would have to wonder what material those glasses must be made of to not immediately melt.

What about the actual music? Well if you’re a fan of cartoon solar portraits then you’re certainly going to be a fan of pop hits from the mid 90’s featuring kettle drums. From Aswad to Chaka Demus and Pliers the double tape provides all the high energy kettle drum related music that’s fit to print. My particular favourite being the song that goes “Tease me tease me tease me tease me baby” (I forget the name of the song.) However don’t go thinking it’s all mindless pop because there is a dark side to everything – even summer and this is explored in depth by Will Smith in his song ‘Summertime’. They say Jazzy Jeff helped him do that song but considering he was always getting thrown out of the house by Uncle Phil I don’t know when they had the time to do it!

All in all it’s a pop classic with some sunshine vibes and a good mix of orange flavours, but enough about Sunkist! This tape is good too and I can safely award it three Suggs.

Todays Work - Last of The Summer Wine.

After running for over eighty years Last of the Summer Wine has finally been killed off due to it being rubbish. Q. Hasn’t it always been rubbish? A. Yes it has but the man that writes it used to be a wrestler and he would do piledrivers on the head of the BBC until he agreed to commission more episodes. Thankfully that man (The Hoxton Libre) is now as old and decrepit as the series he writes and he no longer has the strength to put on his fighting cape.

He was offered the chance to write the last episode but like all old people he was bitter and thought the world owed him a living. (He may have been conscripted during World War Zwei but all he did was write propaganda films about foolish German soldiers pushing sofas into rivers.) It was therefore left to me to bring the show to a fitting close, for those of you that missed it here is the script:

Last of the Summer Wine: Episode 478 – ‘The one where it is the Last one’

Int: Compo is telling jokes in the café.

Compo: So what’s the deal with free bus passes? They let you on the bus…not past it!

Compo: And don’t get me started on those stair lifts, they should call them people lifts really because they aren’t lifting the stairs!

Titles

Ext: Some lovely Yorkshire countryside. (The best countryside in the world). Howard and Marina are having a sexy picnic.

Howard: Oh Howard!

Marina: Oh Marina!

Along come Foggy, Wallace and Compo startling Howard and causing him to fall into a cream cake for fear that it might be his ugly wife.

Compo: Ey Howard ah dint know that likes cakes that much!

Howard: Oh it’s you I thought it might be my ugly wife.

Wallace: Can I ask you something Howard?

Howard: Anything Wallace!

Wallace: If you and your ugly wife hate each other so much why don’t you just get a divorce? It seems to me your entire relationship is based on her hitting you with a broom and its not even as if she would be upset as she is clearly aware that you are having an affair.

Howard: Because I’m a pervert.

Wallace: Then here’s to penguin guests!
 
Int: The Café. The woman that owns the café is refusing to give Foggy, Wallace and Compo any tea despite never having any other customers.

Woman that runs the café: Can I ask you layabouts something?

Foggy: Yes woman that runs the café?

Woman that runs the café: Why come you all have such stupid names?

Compo: Well I am named Compo because in my younger days I used to always enter many competitions.

Wallace: And I am named Wallace due to my love of penguin guests.

Woman that runs the café: And what about you Foggy?

Foggy: Behold!

He causes the café to become foggy using mystical voodoo.

Woman that runs the café: Get out my café!

Int:  A house, all the old women are complaining about their husbands even the old woman that runs the café even though she was just in the café 2 minutes before.

Howard’s ugly wife: I hate men, my husband is well rubbish and I’m going to hit him with a broom if and when I catch him having an affair.

Other woman: Well my husband is also rubbish as he spends all day mending cars and then getting dirt on the floors. Or at least he would if I didn’t put newspapers everywhere first!

Slightly younger woman: Well my husband is great and he can explode pumpkins using brain waves.

The other women look at her disapprovingly.

Ext: Some more Yorkshire countryside, the best countryside in the world. The three wise men come across ‘Smiler’

Compo: Eye up Smiler!

Smiler: Grimace

Foggy: Isn’t it amusing how although you are named Smiler you are actually always miserable and a smile never passes your lips. Maybe you should change your name to “Not Smiler”.

Wallace: Why are you so miserable anyway Smiler?

Smiler: Because I murdered my wife.

Wallace: Cracking toast Gromit!


Int: That mean woman’s shop.

Compo: Mean woman, do something for us that most people would do for free.

Mean woman: No I will charge you for it!

Compo: Aiya!


Ext: Some lovely Yorkshire hills in the lovely Yorkshire country side. The best hills in the best countryside in the world.

Inventor man: Eye up men I as invented another invention that is mostly a bath on wheels. Want to test it out?

Foggy: Why not, these inventions normally work so well!

Wallace: Techno Trousers!

Then they test the machine which is a kind of bath on wheels but also it is a time machine because it has clocks glued to it.

Wallace: I’m not sure about this!

Foggy: It will be fine, unleash the chono tomiter!

The inventor man pushed the bath down the hill

Foggy: Wahoooo

Compo: Eckkkkkk

Then all the clocks start to whir and the bath goes into the future.

Wallace: I can’t believe it actually worked!

Future man: Welcome to the future, here are your robot wives and youth serums.

Wallace: Wensleydale!

People of the future: Here’s to penguin guests!

THE END

bobbins film review - Toy Story 3

Not only have I not seen Toy Story 3 I also haven’t seen it in 3D. However I once saw Toy Story 2 on a coach and I can’t see them being that different. After all Jurassic Park: Lost World was more or less the same as the original except instead of Jeff Goldblum getting his legs broken he doesn’t get his legs broken and he has a daughter that kicks a raptor in the face. This would mean that logically Toy Story 3 would feature Buzz Lightyear’s arm not falling off and then his daughter kicks the toy dinosaur in the face.

 

Unfortunately the people at Pixar aren’t every logical so none of this actually happens also they fail to answer some important questions that have been hanging in the air ever since the original Toy Story.

 

1. Why are toys alive and not other things such as statues, colouring books and scissors? It seems especially odd that the Bo Peep lamp and speak and spell are alive but the normal lamps and computer games are not.

2. Why are toys not allowed to talk to children and who enforces these rules?

3. Why does Andy have such a ludicrous collection of mismatched toys and how come he doesn’t have a Batman?

 

People might say these things don’t matter but then those people also shush me when I present my list of gripes about Night at the Museum which are as follows: -

 

1. The cowboy’s guns don’t turn ‘real’

2. The metallious statues somehow become jointed even though the waxworks are still made of wax.

3. The animals come alive but the lions don’t automatically eat everything else.

4. The desks don’t come alive.

 

Suspension of disbelief aside this film is mostly about he toys somehow ending up outside and then larking about a bit. At the end Andy gives his toys away and it is well sad except it doesn’t really make any sense because he should have just kept them and played with them in the spare room while his wife is in the shower.

 

Overall I give Toy Story 3 a ‘Woody’ out of a ‘Buzz’.

 

bobbins film review - Inception

Another reviewing first as not only have I never seen inception, I have also not seen a trailer for it or even seen a poster for it on the bus. What I have done though is drink some orange squash without first diluting it (and this is DOUBLE strength squash to save on bottle space) and then take wild citrus induced guesses at what happens. I’m sure the experience was much the same as sitting through the film. (Except in the film you don’t spend two hours in bed becoming paranoid about why Sainsbury’s have only just discovered the secret of double strength squash and why you always end up adding about a third of what you normally would so it is possibly only 1.5 strength squash. Then you have to make a letter cut out of newspapers to Sainsbury’s telling them you know about their squash lies but you can’t find enough S’s so you just send a picture of Gordon Ramsay making a quiche.)

Here is a joke about that

Q. Gordon Ramsay can I have a quiche?
A. I think you mean a quiche!

Anyway the film ‘Inception’ is about Leonardo DeCapario  who is a good actor but no one can ever like him that much because he was in Titanic. He has done some good films since Titanic i.e. Catch me if you can but whenever anyone sees him they just ask him about why they didn’t just steer the boat around the iceberg or why he didn’t do a better job of not freezing to death. He always tries to distract them by saying “Remember when I was in who has eaten Gilbert’s grapes?" But everyone ignores him and tells him they like the bit when he draws Kate Winslet.

Because of this Leonardo DeCaprio is living in a dream world but is it REALLY a dream world or is it THE REAL WORLD (it’s a dream world) and he has to ask his friend the boy from Third Rock from the Sun about whether it is REAL WORLD or DREAM WORLD and then the Boy from Third Rock from the Sun says he doesn’t care because he played Cobra Commander in G.I Joe and that is possibly the greatest film ever made.

Reasons why G.I Joe is the best film ever made.

1. The Boy from Third Rock from the Sun plays Cobra Commander. (SPOILERZ)
2. Christopher Ecclestone pretends to be Scottish.
3. Brendan Fraser is in it for no good reason.
4. It has flashbacks to why the Ninjas hate each other but no flashbacks as to why anyone else hates each other.
5. It has a funny sidekick man who is allowed to join the army despite being rubbish at war and only good at wisecracking.
6. The same week I watched Dragonball Z, X-Men origins: Wolverine, The Incredible Hulk and the first 15 minutes of Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li also I had swine flu.

In any case the man from Last Samurai (not Tom Cruise, the Samurai man) gives Leonardo some money to go in a dream of the Scarecrow from Batman Begins and give him ideas about having a pointless cameo in Dark knight Returns where he has an evil scarecrow van. (That is actually just a normal van) I think it is because the man from Last Samurai is hoping to get a cameo in ‘Last of the Samurai 2: Whoever wins – we lose!’ where he drives a special samurai van.

Last of the Samurai 2: Whoever wins – we lose!

Int: Car park some Samurai’s are having a meeting, the man from the Last Samurai (Not Tom Cruise) turns up in his Samurai Van.

Russian Samurai: These things you sold me are no good.

Man from the Last Samurai (Not Tom Cruise): I told you my Samurai fear gas would take you places …I never said it would be places you wanted to go!

At the end of the film Leonardo is successful in convincing the Scarecrow to do the cameo even though it gets very tense and you are not sure if he might succeed or he might fail. The tension really builds up because everything is left to the last minute wheras usually in films everything is done with a lot of time to spare and the last hour of the film is people saying “Well I’m glad we planned that out properly” and “Job well done to us.” The tension is especially tight as they have a man on the phone (dream phone) who tells them “Hurry up ten minutes left” and “Only ten minutes left now” even though you know there is half an hour of the film left it is still very tense!

At the end of the film you are still left to wonder is Leonardo living in a DREAM WORLD  or in REAL WORLD because the answer is never really revealed in the film leaving you to go home and ponder. (He’s in the REAL WORLD if it was a dream he would be chased by a man with a dog)

Overall I give Inception an Aviator out of a Flight of the Navigator.