Do I keep having to explain these things?

I enjoy a ‘joke’ as much as the next man. Just the other day I quoted the following to the draft board

Q. Why did the man go into town?
A. Because he was ‘on the loose’.

However there are times when jokes can go too far. Times like last Christmas when we ended up having ‘Rage Against the Machine’ as number one. I’m sure it was very amusing to get one over on ‘the man’ and nobody likes Simon Cowell but did we really need to encourage that particular band? The irony of the situation is that the song went to number oen by itunes downloads which could only be played on the very ‘machines’ the band were trying to rage against. The moral of the story is 1. The British public are idiots even when they try to do something clever. 2. Instead of an awful X-Factor single as number one we had to have an awful none X-factor single as number one AND the kind of people that read Kerrang! (The voice of rock) were allowed to go around feeling all superior. I once read a copy of Kerrang! and it is EXACTLY like Smash Hits except the men on the posters are wearing eyeliner and the comic makes no sense.

Pandora: “I’m going to the rock concert”
Pandora’s friend: “Radical!”
Pandora: “SIGH!”      


With this in mind I was extremely displeased to see that a Facebook campaign has been started to get ‘Surfin Bird’ to number one this year. Because that would be WELL RANDOM and MEGA LOLZ because it was on an episode of Family Guy ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO. Do we really want the rest of the world to think we are that far behind the thrust of popular culture? Why don’t we all just dress up as The Mask and announce “Smooookkkkiiiiinnnn” in unison and that can be Christmas number one. If this is how the rest of the country wants to behave then that’s FINE but we will lose the right to act all aloof at Eurovision and then the fact that we always lose really badly will become a NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT. We’ll probably end up having to start some more wars just to look better than whatever bit of Eastern Europe Resident Evil 4 was set in.

Here are some facts

1. Getting something else to Christmas number one won’t ‘Wipe the smile of his face’ as the campaign won’t sway people who were already going to buy that single. It just means more people have bought a different single on itunes which is probably owned by some subsidiary of Simon Cowell’s music factory anyway. (Simon Cowell personally owns the rights to all music.) Essentially he is still going to make a big pile of gold coins and get lots of free publicity.

2. That episode of Family Guy isn’t really that funny and on repeated viewings becomes downright irritating. The best bit of family guy is the two vaudeville men who say “You know what’s dead Vaudeville and TV’s the box they buried it in…” and then the other one plays the piano. Unfortunately they ruined that joke by killing them off and then making one of them a paedophile. The other good joke is when Peter gets hit by a piano and then he walks all funny like a concertina but that just made me want to watch a roadrunner cartoon.

3. I watched a Roadrunner cartoon where Wylie Coyote was trying to shoot a bow and arrow at Roadrunner but it went wrong because Coyotes don’t have fingers and there was a bit of rock at the edge of a cliff that snapped off and I said “I bet that bit of rock hits him on the head”….and it did!

4. The best thing to do would actually be to buy lots of copies of the single and then murder someone because the Daily Mails would say the single was evil and should be banned.


However if you will insist on having a ‘chart battle’ then someone needs to make a song about how Cheryl Cole is actually quite plain looking and also that she once assaulted someone in a toilet because she is a racist. Also it should feature this joke “No one escapes from Cheryl Tweedy’s farm” Maybe the song would go like this…


Here comes the story of the Hurricane
The Woman the authorities came to blame
For something that she definitely done
But she got off with it, because she was voted
The sexiest woman in the woooooorrrrllllddd.

Today's Work - Questions answered by a Sex Uncle.

Q. How come in pantomimes there is always an extraneous character called ‘buttons’ who is wearing many ‘buttons’ on his clothes? I find it very disturbing as he is often leering over the main princess saying “There there cinders why not come here for a cuddle?”
A. Because buttons is like the man from Quantum Leap except instead of going through time he goes to different fairy stories. (He teleports by pressing the buttons on his coat.) Also instead of helping people he just sings the theme tune from Neighbours while a ghost is killing people.

Buttons: “Oh noes I didn’t seeing the ghost AND Brother Barry has gone missing”

Brother Paul: “You owes me five punds!”

Buttons: “He’s a fine Jew!”


Q. How comes at the circus they aren’t allowed to fight Lions anymore? 
A. Because there is no such thing as Lions.


Q. How come once I went to see a pantomime which had Super Mario in it but they never mentioned it in the 25th Anniversary Super Mario advert? 
A. That is because no famous people have ever played a computer game and they had to tell them what to say i.e. “It’s well good when Mario finds the Master Sword” or “My best bit of Mario is how he says ‘Lots to do for Mario!’” Also the Mario featured in that pantomime was probably not official sanctioned by Nintendo as he shoved several children quite roughly.
At least he didn’t jump on their heads!

(He did.)


Q. Why did Uncle Pete put a note in my lunchbox saying “I have told the people at the pantomime it is your birthday and they will get you up on stage” so that I had to spend all of the pantomime in fear?
 A. Because Uncle Pete never wanted children and he resents you!


 Q.  How come pantomime is called a good part of British culture even though nobody likes it?
 A. Because British people are stupid!


Q. How come the Pantomime of Aladdin is racist against Chinese people but the film Aladdin is not racist against Arabian people even though Disney himself was a terrible racist?
 A.  Because of political correctness gone mad and also because Walt Disney had built a large underwater city which he was living in at the time. (He had forgot Arabs were real)


Q. How comes that puppet shows are always performs by professors, doctors and other esteemed members of society?
 A. Because glove puppets are actually very difficult to operate on account of working three fingers independently is actually impossible. Also think about this, one time I saw a puppet show where only one man was in the puppet box but there were THREE puppets moving at the same time. How was this achieved? (The three puppets were Mr Punch, the Crocodile and Ronan the Accuser.) One time Jonas Bruner got a puppet show for his birthday but all the puppets had strange plastic faces so we were unwilling to investigate further.


Q. When is a Viking not a Viking?
A. When he’s a Viscount!


Q. How come the pantomime I went to see about Huckleberry Hound wasn’t advertised as “Yogi Bear” even though it featured copious amounts of Yogi Bear and Yogi Bear is arguably the more famous of the Hannah Barbara properties.
 A. I have no answer to this; perhaps the marketing people behind the pantomime were fools. Ironically most of the merchandise available was Yogi Bear related so actual fans of Huckleberry Hound would have been disappointed.

Q. When I went to see Rainbow live there was a bit where Zippy was singing ‘Any dream will do’ but instead of the proper words he said “I close my eyes…..and I fall over!” Many years later I sung this to my wife and she thought it was the funniest thing I had ever said. I wonder what is wrong with my wife as I have said much wittier things i.e.
“You could say he was sizing her up!” Personally I think my marriage cannot last much longer if this is how she is going to act.
 A. Maybe you should try remembering some other things that happened at pantomimes and see how she reacts. For example you could recount the time you went to see Sooty and they said “Nightie Night…Pyjama Pyjama” or when he had a hammer and said “Hit the nail in when I nod my head” and then Sooty hit him in the face with the hammer.

 
Q. I went to see a play called Dragon Island and it featured many interesting dragon puppets and a man with long blonde hair. However it had little to do with the mighty max playset of the same name. Shouldn’t the copyright laws in this country be better enforced?
 A. Even if the trading standards people had the resources to crack down on plays named after Mighty Max play sets people would just download them off the internet instead. Personally I recommend ‘Magus’ again it has nothing to do with the lava monster playset but does feature a brilliant comic turn from Ohmid Djalili.

Today's Work - Inspector Tockenheim 2.

 
Inspector Tockenheim hedges his bets - an Inspector Tockenheim mystery.

High society lady of leisure Mimi Flambard is tottering home from a busy day of drinking cocktails and having an affair with the tennis instructor. Her attitude is soon to go from ‘devil may care’ to ‘devil may cry 3: Dante’s awakening’ as something is terribly amiss.
 
Mimi: “Cripes!”

She continues to shriek incoherently making loud remarks such as “I am aghast and rozzers ahead” that is until Fentrox the robot gamekeeper comes running.

Fentrox: “I understand from your screaming that you are in some sort of distress. Maybe you should share the problem as a problem shared is a problem not shouted about.”

Mimi: “Just look Fentrox….my prize hedge….”

We can now see that the front privet hedge of Flambard Manor has been decimated to within an inch of its life. A terrible act of vandalism as it took several months to grow and Mimi thought that a Tuki Tuki bird was living in it. Actually this was all a story made up by her husband to cover up his affair. (The maid was hiding half dressed in the hedge making a Tuki noise of a different sort!)

Fentrox: “Initiating emergency procedures.”

He scoops up Mimi in his robotic pipe arms and then phones the police with his in built robo-phone.

Cut to titles

If you are the victim of crime
Then call on Tockenheim
He has everything he needs
To uncover naughty deeds

Tockenheim – man of the hour
Tockenheim – the villains do cower
Tocken-time for justice!

If you have suffered from rape
He won’t let the rapist escape
He tries to lock them up in a jail
Sometimes they get shot with his rail (gun)

Tockenheim – man of the hour
Tockenheim – the villains do cower
Tocken-time for justice!

If you see that drugs are for sale
Or you witness attempted blackmail
Tockenheim is the man you can call
For help in stopping a bear knuckle brawl

Tockenheim – man of the hour
Tockenheim – the villains do cower
Tocken-time for justice!
Tocken-time for JUSTICE
 

Tockenheim has arrived at the scene of the crime along with his faithful assistant Constable Cogsworthy. He is waving his illuminate pendant over the hedge.

Cogsworthy: “Cor blimey Mr Tockenhem, it seems a right shame that someone would want to wreck such an andsome looking piece of topiary. Shall I go look for clues?”

Tockenheim: “Cogsworthy you are as foolish as you are boggle eyed. I do not need to look for clues as my illuminate pendant will find out all the answers.

Cogsworthy: “That’s amazing Tockenheim!”

Tockenheim: “Shut up Cogsworthy, I have now deciphered who did the deed.”

Mimi: “Then who was it Inspector?”

Tockenheim: “I think you know who it was! It was you yourself Mimi Flambard who wrecked the hedge!”

Mimi: “Your right it WAS me but how did you ever know!?”

Tockenheim: “The answer was simple really, I’m surprised no one else guessed.”

Cogsworthy:  “But Inspector I’m not sure I understand…”

Tockenheim: “Of course you don’t Cogsworthy, of course you don’t.”

Alls well that ends well because destroying your own hedge isn’t against the law.

Fin.

Retro Prefect: Gears of War.

 I also do things on retro prefect, the home of Jonas Bruner and not updating since August.

My first attempt at enjoying ‘popular’ computer games resulted in me firing my copy of Modern Warfare onto the dual carriageway.* So you would think I would have more sense than to dive back into the ‘American Shooting’ genre that makes up 90% of the Xbox catalogue. However I am nothing if not ‘sense-less’ and so dived straight into playing the most popular Xbox game that isn’t Halo of all time – Gears of War.


Right away I should say that Gears of War is probably the most homoerotic game I have ever played, a bold claim considering I used to own pit fighter. A less experienced reviewer might claim it was the most homoerotic thing they had never experienced, but they obviously don’t remember the time that guy kept putting his arm around them and telling them how funny they were. I’m guessing the main market for this game is sexually confused teenage boys who enjoy seeing men’s veins bulging out of their thick necks. You can definitely identify with the characters as the entire game revolves around them trying to deny their homosexuality by pointing phallic objects at other big men or getting inside them with chainsaws. I’m glad to say that by the end of the game the four main characters have killed enough men to feel comfortable rolling around on the grass with each other and having a bit of a play fight. The moral of the story is that there is nothing wrong with being gay but watching four fantasy muscle men kill things does not make you gay because violence is excellent – especially violence against equally muscular men.

Just remember, because this is a modern game you have to do everything as a ‘squad’ because one person fighting all those monsters would be a ludicrous proposition but one person and three unreliable idiots doing it is perfectly feasible. Your ‘Squad’ does change a little bit, but mostly you know that it can never go over four so if an extra person joins you someone else is going to get ‘done in’. This seems to happen early on in the game to demonstrate how bad war is (very bad) but near the end it doesn’t happen because of marketing. So who are the members of your muscleman squad? Allow me to introduce them and pretend they have distinct personalities.

Mark – Mark is the main character who starts of in prison for unknown crimes. (Killing his wife) however in times of war they need every man they can get, especially men who have spent all their time in prison taking steroids and learning how to talk in a gruff voice. Luckily Mark already has lots of war experience (from killing his wife) and it doesn’t take him long to get back into the swing of things. His main motivation is to escape the memory of so many prison rapes by throwing grenades into big holes.

Dom – Dom’s real name is Dominic but he likes to go by ‘Dom’ in honour of Dom Jolly. He is the main assistant of Mark and spends a lot of time looking at him adoringly. He dose mention that he has a wife but if he can’t be that bothered about her or he wouldn’t be spending all his time hanging around with men.

Whiney Man – I can’t remember the name of the whiney man because he wasn’t grotesquely muscular enough to be worth remembering. He does however look an awful lot like Cid from FF7 only instead of swearing and driving space ships with faulty oxygen tanks he makes fantastic wisecracks. The whiney man seems to spend a lot of time making funny jokes about how there are not enough women about but secretly he’s just making sure everyone is on the same page. (The page of man love)

Coal – In my humble opinion Coal is the most hateful character in all of computer games, even more so than the prince from Warrior Within. He looks absurdly inhuman even compared to his muscle-bound comrades but more importantly he is VERY ugly. Coal loves killing things and he is often found telling everyone about how great he is at fighting and how he can’t wait to find some more men to ‘get’ with his chainsaw gun. One day he will realise that he can connect with men in ways other than fighting them but until that day comes he remains the world’s most irritating virtual space soldier.


The game itself is basically Phantasy Star Online but instead of RPG elements you can stand behind things and instead of leaving behind meseta the enemies leave behind blood. Also every character is a ranger. It is most like Phantasy Star Online in that enemies keep appearing from nowhere and then the music goes “ten ten ten ten TEN TEN TEN” to make the atmosphere more tense. Also a lot of the levels are underground caves so you could play those and pretend you were on the caves level of Phantasy Star Online or you could just play the caves level of Phantasy Star Online. The choice is up to you.

Fans of Gears of War (Known as Gearophiles) might accuse me of being slightly unfair as the main point of the game are its cooperative elements. i.e. yet another game relying on your own social interactions to make up for its failings.  I tried playing the co-op with Brother Jonas Bruner but he was constantly getting killed or trying to chainsaw me in the back. If anything it was even less fun as was continually making racist remarks or talking about Saint Seiya: The Hades.

My main disappointment with this game was that because it was called ‘Gears of War’ I thought all the enemies would be cog robots and gear operated spiders. However the enemies aren’t cog robots at all they are just more muscular men. Furthermore the heroes work for an organisation called COG but they do not seem to operate any clockwork style machinery. The only cog you ever see is the one representing the mysterious health system, what’s wrong with a health bar epic megagames? Also why is the ability to run named ‘roadie run’? how is it different from normal running?

Overall I give this game a COG soldier out of an annoying car bit.



 * Thought for the day: Does Call of Duty have anything to do with Call of Juarez? Also how come the spellchecker accepts Juarez as a word?

Today's Work - The Heroic Man Funf character guide.

Heroic Man Funf’s official heroic justice brigade.

 

The strong men of good who fight the battle against all forces of evil, they have a strong admin department and good rates of pay. The only downside is that Heroic Man Funf never does any work and often goes home at dinner time – if anyone else did that they would be sacked! One rule for the bosses and another for the little people.

 

Heroic Man Funf – When Young fenders takes up his magic sword he becomes Heroic Man Funf the most powerful man of the area. With his new found powers he wages war on enemies, it’s certainly lucky that the enemies did not make their attacks before he discovered his magic sword! His main irritation in life is that nobody realises that Young Fenders is actually Heroic Man Funf even though they look exactly the same except for Young Fenders is wearing a practical outfit and Heroic Man Funf is wearing pants. The only thing that pants are practical for is battling! In episode 33 (Heroic Man Funf meets Wonder Lisa) he marries his own cousin, however this episode has been reedited into a Christmas special where they just give each other presents.

Catchphrase – “Welcome to the FUNFfair!”

 

Blast Man – Blast Man is Heroic Man Funf’s most cheerful ally and he always stands by his side in the face of dangers. Ironically Blast Man has no respect for Young fenders because he is always messing everything up i.e. knocking all the brooms over in a broom cupboard. Blast Man gets his fighting ability form his ‘Blasting Suit’ which is made up of some guns sewn onto a tabard. The secret past of Blast Man is that he used to be a dinner lady.

Catchphrase – “I’m blasting all over your face”

 

Borrenger – Borrenger is the faithful steed of Heroic Man Funf in the form of a humorous talking Panther. He often makes wisecracks that annoy Heroic Man Funf and sometimes he goes too far and Heroic Man Funf has to teach him a lesson. For example in episode 46 (Cried and Senju Kits) Borrenger says Heroic Man Funf should go on a diet. In retaliation Heroic Man Funf smashes a dinner plate onto his head. Eventually Borrenger will understand that the morale of Heroic Man Funf is an important factor in the battle against evil. The alter ego of Borrenger is Borrenger not wearing a hat.

Catchphrase – “Plates…why’d it have to be plates?”

 

Squator – Squator is a man overcoming his severe mental difficulties to play a good part in society. You see he may not understand complex equations but what he does understand is his own powers of squatting down low and then springing up at high speeds. At first Heroic Man Funf and his comrades wouldn’t let Squator be on his team as they thought his abilities sounded useless and  had negative preconceptions about mental illness. They certainly changed their minds after Squator managed to head butt Heroic Man Funf in the face with a well times squat attacked. Squator’s comrades still suspect that he may one day kill a prostitute by accident but until that day they are happy to fight slightly behind him and continue to avoid socialising with him.

Catchphrase – “Too squat to candle!”

 

Lyra – Lyra is the token woman friend of Heroic Man Funf. She likes to think she has equal battle abilities to the men but in reality she is constantly getting kidnapped / falling off ledges and Heroic Man Funf only keeps her around to prove he isn’t gay. Lyra fights with an assortment of girly weapons such as whips/bola’s/oversized boomerang but none of them are really doing any serious damage. Lyra is the daughter of Blast Man which certainly creates some awkward situations. (Involving Blast Man thinking that Lyra looks like his wife only less ravaged by time.)

Catchphrase – “Save me Heroic Man Funf!”

 

Clacker Man – Clacker man is a useless robot made of cogs. He is always getting wound down or having his arms fall off. The only good thing about Clacker man is that he often gets in the enemies way when they are trying to hit more useful heroes and also he can make sparks come out his chest.  Clacker Man has a real human head which sports a handsome moustache.

Catchphrase – “Lets get back on Clack!”

 

 

 

 

 

Fargo – Fargo is Heroic Man Funf’s wizard friend who uses his magic in the battle against evil. He never paid attention at wizarding school and so his only qualification is a national diploma in foundation sorcery. He told Heroic Man Funf that it was the equivalent to three A-Levels but if that was the case why didn’t he just do A-Levels instead? And why do his spells always go wrong in hilarious ways? For example in episode 15 (A mixerly whiz up) Fargo is trying to make a magic cake but he accidentally turns Heroic Man Funf gay. This caused some ‘sticky situations’ between Heroic Man Funf and Graggle Man but in the end Fargo was able to set everything ‘STRAIGHT’!

Catchphrase – “I’ll Fargo to any lengths!”

 

Graggle Man – Graggle Man is the most reliable of Heroic Man Funf’s comrades, mostly because he is made of stones! This means he can withstand even a mighty blow from an enemy and also that he has to eat magma to get a hot meal. Graggle Man’s only weakness is his quick temper which can often cause him problems such as the time he ruined a dinner party by accusing his wife of having an affair.

Catchphrase – “Stone the crows!”

 

Winger Man – Winger man is a member of the mystical beak tribe and sports a lovely pair of wings. These often prove useful to Winger Man as he will fly over the top of baddies and drop broken glass on them. (He gets the broken glass from the recycler bins). Winger man is often heard complaining about the price of air travel when going abroad, you may think he could just fly himself to Spain but as Winger Man says “Have you ever tried walking to Scotland! (Presuming you don’t already live in Scotland)

Catchphrase – “Have you ever tried walking to Scotland?”

 

Hand Man - Whenever Heroic Man Funf ‘needs a hand’ then Hand man is always there to lend a ‘helping hand’. You could say he is very ‘handy’ to have around. You always have to ‘hand it’ to Hand Man because he is a very ‘safe pair of hand’ whenever there is a problem. Hand Man’s power is having oversized hands which he used to ‘hand out’ justice.

Catchphrase – “Hand, Drawn and Quartered!”

 

Foliage Man – Foliage man is a hunter with a strong connection to nature. He thinks respect for nature is very important, especially when you are sneaking upon bears and killing them for fun. Because of his nature based experience Foliage Man is an expert and camouflage i.e. hiding in trees. However if he has to battle in a non-woodland area his powers become useless. Foliage Man has a trained Kestrel, or at least he did until brother Jud killed it!

Catchphrase – “Jud thas done in me Kestrel yer get”

 

Bulbs Man – Bulbs Man is a difficult to understand foreigner who uses the dazzling power of lights to blind his opponents. He is constantly screwing new bulbs into his ‘Dazzle Wand’ and can often be heard to remark “I could do with a good screw right now.” In episode 98 (‘Ebony and I’m very’) Bulbs Man suffers racial prejudice from Clacker Man and Heroic Man Funf is forced to organise an anti-discrimination day by H.R (Heroic Relations). Everyone learns that discrimination is wrong and the moral of the story is to only be racist in the privacy of your own home.

Cacthphrase – “I may not be the best fighter, but I am the best lighter!”

 

Bandy Man – Bandy Man is unique in that he is made of rubber! This allows him to stretch to lengths of nearly 1.5X times his original length. It also means that if he is ever pierced by an enemy he will put strange clear liquid onto the carpet. Bandy Man is also the most whacky member of the Heroic Man Funf official justice brigade  and he will often lighten his colleague’s mood by making japes or asking for unusual pizza toppings. In reality Bandy Man is overcompensating due to a lack of self esteem.

Catchphrase – “This is going to be a STRETCH!”

 

 

 

 

Dangerous Darren’s consortium of unscrupulous barons.

 

Dangerous Darren and his evil group have ill defined plans but they certainly seem to cause a lot of trouble! They live in a secret base on Spider Hill and anyone that steps their had better BEWARE!

 

Dangerous Darren – Dangerous Darren is an evil wizard with a vendetta against the world, mainly because he has a skelington face but also because people kept trying to make him join Farmville on Facebook. It’s just a rubbish version of Harvest Moon! Dangerous Darren’s main weapon is his magic staff which he can use to perform the following powers 1. Hit on head 2. Poke in eye. He is constantly trying to steal Heroic Man Funf’s magic sword so that he can become more powerful and somehow bare knuckle brawl his way into high office.

Catchphrase – “I’ll get you one day Heroic Man Funf!”

 

Baron Beast – Baron Beast is Dangerous Darren’s main henchman. He is constantly bumbling about and ruining Dangerous Darren’s plans. Dangerous Darren would like to sack him but he is good friends with Barron Beast’s uncle and it would create a bad atmosphere.

In his spare time Baron Beast works to perfect his ‘dunderhead’ accent by telling his Raichu to constantly perform body slam.

Catchphrase -  “Give it another Body Slam!”

 

Baron Liz – Baron Liz is a terrible Lizard who is always arguing with Baron Beast about the best way to make a trap. They inevitably leads to them both falling into a hole and having to call for Dangerous Darren to let them out. He certainly does get annoyed with them! Baron Liz does not like to get told off so he often tries to gain favour with Dangerous Darren by complimenting the way he dresses.

Catchphrase – “Right away Master Darren”

 

Atrocious Joan – Atrocious Joan is the token female member of the consortium and she basically looks like Lyra only far more evil. Like all women she is totally incompetent but she is kept around because all the members of the consortium have strong erotic feelings for her. Obviously she has no interest because they are all somehow mutated but it certainly helps her to get the best seats at the consortium concert!

Catchphrase – “I need someone big and strong to help me move my chest of drawers around…I’d be ever so grateful!”

 

Baron Bot – Baron Bot is an evil robot who is always calculating the odds with his nefarious processors; at least that’s how Dangerous Darren see’s it. Everyone else knows it’s just a computer with a face drawn on. He is still the most useful member of the consortium because his spreadsheets help with the finances. In episode 105 (‘Horn Geography’) Baron Horns looks at some naughty images and fills Baron Bot with Spyware. The moral of the story is to always have proper anti-virus protection.

Catchphrase – “You have performed an illegal operation – Abort, Retry, Fail?”

 

Baron Horns – Is having a big pair of horns really an advantage in life? Baron Horns seems to think so even though his ‘ability’ could be replicated by a man wearing a Viking hat. (Although as we all learned at school the Vikings never actually wore those hats, they actually used to wear panama hats. A funny story about Vikings is that at school for a project about ancient Greece me and my chums made a huge cardboard cut out of the Marvel comics version of Thor. The teacher never said anything despite Thor having nothing to do with Greece at all.)

We all know how to defeat Baron Horns, just stand in front of something electrical and move away at the last minute causing him to ‘horn’ the electricity.

Catchphrase – “Time to mow the horn!”

 

 

Baron Man – Baron Man was formerly a good friend of Heroic Man Funf and fought by his side under the name of Barren Man. (His ability was to have many casual sexual encounters without impregnating anyone.) However Baron Man was turned to the dark side after a falling out involving him thinking a jif lemon bottle contained sherbet.  Dangerous Darren has promised him dib dabs of every kind once Heroic Man Funf is defeated.

Catchphrase – “We used to be friends but now we are not friends!”

Today's Work - 10 anecdotes about Dance Dance Revolution.

Dance Dance Revolution invented almost every element of modern videogames. (Namely huge unwieldy peripherals, licensed games music and imprecise gameplay that involves moving around like a fool) Unfortunately Konami are useless and were unable to capitalise on this because they were too busy recording the many hours of cut scenes for Metal Gear Solid.

        However in those days of ‘millennium dome’ I was not the jaded cynic I am today and I embraced DDR with open arms. Here are ten anecdotes about DDR. Please note that they are not interesting anecdotes but they are things that happened in real life rather than in my mind. (Which is why they are so boring)

 

Anecdote 1 – The first time I played DDR was actually inside the millennium dome. I forget what the song was but a woman was stood watching me and Uncle Pete said “You can have an autograph after”. But I don’t think she wanted an autograph. Actually I have no idea what she wanted but I think it is an odd thing to just watch a stranger playing DDR. Especially when that Stranger is only 16! I think that woman should probably be locked up.

        Later on we went to see a show about a man hanging on some curtains but I don’t know what it had to do with the millennium.

 

Anecdote 2 – One time I saw a man in the arcade doing TWO Dance Dance Revolutions at once using his hands and feet. A lot of people were stood watching him and it was nearly as exciting as the time I saw a man playing House of The Dead 2 with both guns. (Although that actually makes the game easier but it costs more money)

 

Anecdote 3 – Once Jonas Bruner’s friend went on a trip with us to Skegness and he played DDR while wearing a fes he had bought from a joke shop. H emay not have managed to get a good score but he certainly managed to keep the fes on his head!

 

Anecdote 4 – I forced Uncle Pete to buy me Dance Dance revolution Euro Mix otherwise I wouldn’t go to my school prize giving. He didn’t realise that he would also have to buy the dancing mat and I made several punds out of him that day.  It’s a good job I did go to the prize giving as I was awarded a £10 WH Smith voucher for high intelligence. I promptly spent it on Breath of Fire IV for the PSONE. An intelligent move? Certainly as it’s the only good Breath of Fire game!

 

Anecdote 5- I once had such a ‘vigorous’ session of dancing that the floor started shaking and things started falling off shelves. It was a bit like being in an earthquake but instead of big cracks opening up in the floor you have to listen to Boyzone.

 

Anecdote 6- Dance Dance Revolution features a song called ‘Silent Hill’ which has nothing to do with Konami game silent hill. It is however the world’s greatest Christmas song.

 

“Lights on the avenue

All seem so far away.

I should be drinking a toast to you.

From my Christmas Tray.

 

Tonight is the night for

I love you

Johnny Rawlings

Equipped with a spear

Rainbow Summon

CHRISTMAS IS HERE”

 

The other good thing about that song is that it stole the tune from the SNES version of Sim City.

 

Anecdote 7 – The Japanese version of Dance Dance Revolution mysteriously features famous songs with slightly changed lyrics in an attempt to avoid copyright law. The best of these is the version of “Celebration” which says “Lets get down tonight.”

Surely having the exact same song with slightly different lyrics is not enough to confuse the music industry?

Anecdote 8 – Jonas Bruner said that DDR song “Gotta Keep Rushing” was one of his favourite songs for a piece of school work. In reality all his favourite songs are tunes from F-Zero GX. (But they don’t have lyrics) This was probably better than what I said when they asked me what my favourite songs were as I never actually heard any music until I was 22. I say probably because I can’t remember exactly what I said, I suspect I just hissed “Soooooooonnnnngggg” and then floated into the sky.

 

Anecdote 9 – The Disney version of Dance Dance Revolution features many Disney songs, but it also features a song from car racing anime ‘Initial D’. It is easily the best song on the game but I have no idea what it is doing there.

 

Anecdote 10 – I spent a lot of time playing emulated versions of the game boy colour dance dance revolution games. This was probably the most pointless thing anyone has ever done.

 

 

Today's Work - A true story about being yourself.

My brother Jonas Bruner once told everyone that Norah Jones was coming to his birthday party so that they would come. However he was lying as he does not even know Norah Jones and also Norah Jones hates Lazer Quest. Especially Lazer Quest where you try to cheat by wearing your jacket over the proton pack but the man tells you off. That man should realise that there are no rules in war!

The moral of the story is that everyone came expecting to see Norah Jones and they were bitterly disappointed when Norah Jones failed to arrive. They started to make comments such as “You don’t even KNOW Norah Jones” and “Jonas Bruner, more like JONAS LOONER”. So everyone went away from the party apart from his true friends who would have come anyway and they brought better presents. Also young children have no idea who Norah Jones is and don’t really have an appreciation of her music so it didn’t really encourage them

The story has several morals, they are.

1. Always be yourself, unless yourself is someone who tells lies about knowing Norah Jones.

2. If you are going to try and cheat at Lazer Quest wait until you get into the warzone proper.

3. Donkey Kong bubble bath is not an acceptable birthday present even if it is in the shape of a game boy.

4. No one wants to pay a pound to have a go on a Primal Rage arcade game.