Tremendous Car Pilfering
Having recently escaped from jail/the army/an abusive relationship Derek ‘DK’ Lambert has to start a brand new life of crime on the unforgiving streets of Hoyland. He starts off on the low rungs doing odd jobs for crime bosses like ‘Bent Peter’ or ‘Jango Fred’ as the game progresses he rises up the ranks to the prestigious position of doing odd jobs for other crime bosses like ‘Grand Boss Fenstrate’ and “Rotrom the underhanded” . Many of these jobs involve following people’s cars at a specific distance or driving a car very slowly so that it isn’t damaged.
Also you can murder prostitutes.
9/10
World of Combat: Advanced Modern Army Shooting
You play “Tezzer” a special Army Man who has to fight baddies with his squadron of mates “Renton” “Ghost” and “Lampwick”. Not only can you wield a variety of weapons like the Shotgun, Machine Gun and Rocket Launcher but you can also give your squadron commands like “Attack the men” or “don’t attack the men….yet”.
The best thing about this game is how you can get a Sniper Rifle but can’t really use it because all the enemies run up to you and shoot you in the face. The other best thing is how instead of a health bar you just guess.
10/10
World of Fentiman
Wander across the world of Fentiman doing tasks for assorted fantasy characters with regional accents until you get enough equipment to slay the DARK LORD who is spreading a terrible MALADY across the LAND. A fresh new RPG from the makers of World of Space Fentiman featuring an all new battle system where your party attack continuously and you do nothing but suggest spells they may wish to try. (Spells include healing spell, powerful non elemental attack spell and spells you will never use because MP restoring items are hard to come by and they do less damage than just punching.) Probably the best thing about this game is that it features up to 1000 ill defined status effects such as “Thorny, Morose, Objectified and Excited”.
8/10
Burn the Rubber 7: Go Faster Please.
Illegal street racing is much more exciting than legal racing because it involves souping up cars and bald people looking angry at traffic lights. That’s why the latest in the semi-successful ‘Burn the Rubber’ series lets you drive around an open world looking for people to race, but don’t try to get into a race with the wrong people or they won’t want to race! Other features of this game include more makes of car than ever before – all with slightly different shapes of bonnet. Not only that but you can choose different kinds of wheels and adjust the tension of every individual car sprocket. A real must have for fans of top cat!
9/10
Logarithm
In the futuristic world of the future RPG elements combine ineffectually with a first person shooter in order to create a first person shooter where you can also pick locks! At the start of the game you can customise your character with up to six different faces and then set his stats for lockpicking, shooting and conversation. This means you can play the game exactly the way you want so long as you want to play the game by shooting everyone or picking locks and then someone sneaks up behind you so you have to shoot them anyway. This game also features many moral choices which effect the gameplay i.e. if you kill everyone then people will not sell you things as they will be dead whereas if you are nice to everyone you will get bored. This also effects the branching storyline which means how you play actually effects the story! You can play through many times and never experience the same thing twice. (Except for the first two hours which will be exactly the same.) This is much better than having the developer tell you a story, just like choose your adventure books are better than real books.
8/10
Johnny Tell Me What to Do
If you aren’t capable of looking after yourself and making basic decisions then this new DS game is certainly going to let you play some Sudoku. JTMWD is a lifestyle app which will actually run your life for you and therefore make you a better person. In the morning the titular Johnny (Professor John Stein of the life max academy) will gently coerce you into doing exercises, order you to walk to work and then force you to do brain training exercises until home time. Don’t worry the fun doesn’t stop there as JTMWD will also tell you what to cook and when the bets time to go to sleep is. Of course if you start ignoring the game or doing it wrong Johnny will be displeased and make snarky comments about you “Well if you WANT to be a fatty then it’s not my business.” The fun doesn’t stop their, if you ignore the game for too long a man from Nintendo will come and bundle you into a van. We can’t tell you what happens after that as those people are never heard from again.
If you suspect your friends, neighbours, parents or colleagues are not doing the requisite amount of fun brain exercise then it is your civic duty to alert the ministry.
7/10
Swordboy Online
Online playing is the future of games because you get all the fun of repetitive tasks with the added bonus of talking to strangers and paying subscription fees to big corporations. At present Swordboy Online is the biggest game around with up to 30 millions subscriptions and an economy bigger than Sweden. This is mostly because internet chat rooms were all closed in 2003 so pretending to be a barbarian is now the best way to make facile short term friendships and annoy strangers. (Except for going onto Isketch and drawing gollywogs)
The best thing about Swordboy online is that instead of being the hero of the game you are just another insignificant cog in the economy, just like in real life!
6/10
Hopper
Remember the old days when games looked rubbish and were stupidly hard? Thanks to indie developers those days are back again. Even quick browse on the indie bit of Xbox live arcade will give you an almost unlimited choice of robotron clones, tower defence games and Amiga style platformers. Hopper is itself a platform game with a ‘unique’ (ugly) art style and a twist in the gameplay. The twist is that the game is very hard and is a waste of time, also it is British which means it features traditional British humour. (Sheeps) Everyone should life Hopper because modern games are much too easy for autistic people and because it is better to encourage one person to do something rubbish for not much money than to encourage a lot of people to do something brilliant for a lot of money.
5/10
Tammer’s Party Game Madness!
Popular sportsman Bentworth ‘Tammers’ Tamworth presents a series of fun mini games that you can play with friends which makes it mega FUN. Of course doing anything with your friends is fun (that’s why they are your friends) so it’s hard to objectively judge the merits of this collection of 7 mini games but the time we were playing ‘Beatle Drive – in force!’ when Baz shouted “Not taxes” was the funniest thing that has ever happened. Not only that but watching people wave their arms around is very funny, especially when you realise that the wii-mote is a piece of rubbish technology rather than a magic wand and you can just flick your wrist to much the same effect! Of course the cherry on the cake is the voice over from ‘Tammers’ himself – “Lets go at it Tammers and Hongs!”
7/10
Guitar Playing 4: Rock and Roll it
Everyone in the world loves the Guitar Playing series of games and we are all happy to ignore the fact that it stole the idea from Konami and replaced specially written J-Pop with music by bands you don’t like. That’s because you DO like some of the bands i.e. Sharkbastard and you want to pretend to be the main guitar person using a specialised plastic guitar. Why don’t you learn to play a real guitar? Shut up! Why don’t you learn to jump on real turtles? This game is even better than the last one because they have added even more songs you haven’t heard of by bands you have vaguely heard of. What’s wrong with the singles? Don’t you realise that most albums are all filler no killer? More important this game ROCKS we know it ROCKS because every time you do a song it says ROCK and then when you pick your options it says ROCK ON ROCKINGTON and the main character is a man with a spikey shoulder called ROCKIN’ PETE. (He is voiced by Jack Black)
Here is some jokes about Jack Black
Q. What is Jack Black’s favourite film?
A. Men in Black!
Q. Why do people think King Kong is a good film?
A. Because Jack Black has a moustache in it!
Q. Who is Jack Black’s archenemy?
A. Jack White!
Q. Why is ‘Be kind and please rewind my video’ such a terrible film?
A. Because it’s too long and the other man keeps mumbling!
8/10
H.A.R.D Combat
Take control of Mark Harding as he speaks in gravely tones and punches mutants back to the Stone Age. This is no subtle game; it’s all about learning combos or at least mashing the buttons incessantly. Be wary of the huge bosses who all circle around the stage and try to grab you with giant hands hoping you don’t try and punch them in the eye. If they didn’t want you to punch them in the eye why did they lay their hands down for you to climb!? Mark himself is a tough customer who says outrageous things like “I’m going to kill you BITCH” and “GRUUUUUU”. This lets us know that he is a tough man who solves every problem with violence, except for a stealth bit in the middle that he has to solve with stealth. (It is impossible to fight a guard if he has an ill defined field of vision). Players will love the gritty atmosphere and amount of pure violence contained in this game. (At one point Mark even pokes a man in the eye with a biro)
6/10
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