A word from the World Violence Federation

The World Violence Federation (WVF) is the premier name in semi-realistic sporting adventure. Where else can you find all the biggest names in modern wrestling, certainly not in the FFO (Fabulous Fighting Organisation)!  WVF also innovates with new types of match including the Passive Aggression Session and the Eight Man Hoe-down. If you aren’t familiar with the stars of WVF then prepare to become familiar with them by reading this vital information.

 

Name: Tremendous Barnfather

Special Attack: The Barnfather blast

Favourite match type: Needle under canvas match

Tremendous Barnfather is known for his tremendous girth as well as his tremendous abilities in the ring. His main technique is to crunch opponents beneath his mighty belly and then list all the things he had eaten that day. Even though he is getting on in years Barnfather remains a fan favourite thanks to his amazing showmanship and steadfast refusal to be anything less than morbidly obese.

Quote: “Prepare to be tarred and Barnfathered!”

 

Name: Kirk Manchuria

Special Attack: The Luton hypotenuse

Favourite match type: Sage in the Cage Match

Kirk Manchuria is a simple everyman who has raised himself to the pinnacle of professional faux athleticism through sheer determination and steroid consumption. He is one of the most famous faces in wrestling and has even made the leap into proper acting with films like “Don’t kill baby!” and “Homeboy gets the apples.” Despite all this he never forgets his roots and has spent several million dollars trying to get his hometown replaced with a dinosaur museum. As Kirk himself says “The biggest threat I face is getting a custom elbow to the groin but if those dinosaurs come back from under the sea then we’re all at threat. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge of the enemy and anti-dinosaur surface to air missiles.”

Quote: “I’m getting Kirk Manchurious with you!”

 

Name: Bernard Charleston 

Special Attack: The Charleston cross

Favourite match type: The four square – square off.

Bernard Charleston is a millionaire aristocrat from New Jersey who wrestles for the sheer pleasure of punching paupers in the nose. He is well renowned as a bad sport who cheats by having his butler pass him steel chairs while the referee has his back turned. Even worse he constantly feels the need to correct the grammar of the audience.  Despite all his money Bernard is often beaten by more popular/less solvent opponents which just goes to show that money can buy you immunity to the law but it can’t buy you immunity to pile drivers.

Quote: “Unless someone beats me a wrestling I’m going to buy an orphanage and then put it on top of a rocket headed straight for the sun.”

 

Name: Amazing Boy Terrence St’Claire

Special Attack: Reticulated elbow drop

Favourite match type: ROPE ZONE

For Terrence St’Claire it’s all about the ol’ razzle dazzle. Not only does he talk up a storm using phrases such as “Mind Boglins” he also dresses the part. It’s not many men that can get away with wearing a sequinned cowboy hat or a coat made of peacocks but Terrence carries it off with aplomb.

As Terrence himself says “When you’ve got a fist the size of a Christian Ham you can wear whatever the Mind Boglins you want.”

Quote: “What are your options when Terrencemania is keeping an eye out for you?”

 

Name:  Jean Pierre “The Parfait” Depardieu

Special Attack: The Eiffel shower

Favourite match type: Canvasser match

Jean Pierre is your typical Frenchman who thinks nothing of sporting a beret in the ring he has even been known to gulp down slices of brie between rounds. To emphasise his Frenchness he always enters the ring on a bicycle accompanied by Oxygene. His dark secret is that he is actually the son of a Texan oil baron who decided to convert to being French after eating a delicious baguette in Café Rouge. Its lucky he didn’t go for the buffet king because this paragraph would have been far more racist.

Quote: “Je teme, du la pomp. Le Jean Reno la fillet du beouf!”

 

Name: Bill Curious

Special Attack: The Bill Curious hook

Favourite match type: Floating outrage match

Bill Curious is most famous for concealing his features underneath a mask and never revealing his true identity. Rumours abound that he is actually the long lost brother of Kirk Manchuria who was reported to have died in a sawing accident, other rumours abound that he is a man named William Curious with an unbearable face. Bill Curious sometimes takes part in tag team matches with his equally mysterious friend Alan Abanazer.

Quote: “Bill Curiousity killed the cat!”

 

Name: Magic Larry

Special Attack: The magic circle jerk

Favourite match type: Immigrant survival match.

Magic Larry is a kind of wizard who claims that he receives wrestling advice from the “other world.”  He has even been known to stop mid-match to invoke the help of dead Yorkshire men such as Seth Armstrong and Dickie Bird. Despite all his spiritual advantages Magic Larry has never won a match as he doesn’t have enough raw strength to press his advantage. Perhaps if he spent more time pumping iron and less time pumping books (for magical information) he would finally get a trophy. Despite this Magic Larry remains popular because he gives audience members messages from dead relatives during the fight.

Quote: “I have a message from your dead wife. She says she is happy now, but you need to have a talk at some point about why you pushed her down the stairs.”

 

Name: Cracker Jack

Special Attack: The Crack-hammer

Favourite match type: Alligator Classic

Cracker Jack is known as “The most mentally ill man in sports” and for good reason as he has been diagnosed by actual psychologists with at least twelve mental complaints ranging from manic-depression to sexual addiction.  This makes him an unpredictable character in the ring. His opponents never know if he is going to fight them or sleep with them and to be honest neither does he. Cracker Jack once had treatment for his ailments but his new character, “Sanity Jack”, proved so unpopular that wrestle bosses decided to hide all his medication.

Quote: “Groooooooooooooooooooo”

 

Name: Ian “Big Boss” Nevins

Special Attack: Disciplinary action

Favourite match type: Team building exercise match

Ian Nevins is the actual boss of the WVF. He spends most of his time managing the finances and arranging lucrative sponsorship deals but when the employees get rowdy he isn’t afraid to step into the ring and hand out P45’s made from pure pain. Ian has never lost a match but he did once suffer several broken ribs after Michael Jarrocks threw him off a balcony by way of resignation.

Quote: “I’m going to organise a business meeting between your face and my foot. The minutes will be taken by severe injuries.”

 

Name: Artex the Living Cockerel

Special Attack: Trine

Favourite match type: Surprise carnival match

Artex is a Voodoo king from New Orleans who calls on the strength of ten thousand cockerels during fights. Opponents often underestimate his abilities thinking that a Chicken is nothing compared to the power of human fists, they have clearly never seen a cock fight as Artex goes at them with all the fury of a fighting bird in its prime. Even without his poultry augmented strength Artex would be a force to be reckoned with given his propensity to wave his voodoo shaker unnervingly in the faces of opponents. 

Quote: “Don’t Cockerel out on me boy!”

 

Name: Ever Lovin’ Gareth Maguire

Special Attack: Horizontal body splash

Favourite match type: Mixed Doubles

Self styled ladies man Gareth Maguire things nothing of stopping a fight to pay compliments an attractive lady in the audience. Naturally they are repulsed as it is common knowledge that Gareth is not only married, but frequently punches his wife in the face in an attempt to make her more beautiful. This may not be politically correct but it is definitely the correct way for him to build up his muscles – as the saying goes “Punch wife in face = strength of mace”

Quote: “It’s your fault for making me angry!”

 

 

Name: “Wooden Beam” Archie Sykes

Special Attack: The Beam-face bonanza

Favourite match type: Timber mill fiasco

Archie Sykes always struggled to stand out from the crowd until the fateful day when he discovered a large wooden beam had separated itself from the rafters of his house. Rather than arrange for repairs with a reputable tradesmen Archie took up the beam as his visual trademark and left his structurally unsound abode to the whims of gravity. Technically splitting a man’s skull with a large piece of timber isn’t a wrestling move but whenever anyone brings this up they find themselves in the hospital with mysterious wood related injuries.

Quote: “Wood pun!”

 

Name: Major Assault

Special Attack: The Defcon dropshot

Favourite match type: Counterinsurgency classic

Major Assault is a Sergeant Major from the actual Army who uses the notoriety of professional violence to encourage children into joining the armed forces. The Major uses all the skills of a state sponsored killing machine to take down his opponents from advanced CQC techniques to ordering napalm strikes on his opponents. It is a little known fact that his name is actually Ralph Jones and he is named Major Assualt due to his love of Gundam Battle Assault.

Quote: “If only we had Hi-goggs in Nam, Charlie would be laughing on the other side of his face.”

Bobbins Review - Tinker, Tailor, Soldier and Spy

This film follows a spy called George Smiley who is called out of retirement for one last mission. His arch enemy George Frowny has taken over Shadow Moses Island and is threatening to start a nuclear war unless his demand is met. Hand over the body of John Hurt in twelve hours!

George Smiley doesn’t just have to deal with evil communists though, he also has to deal with the evil’s of his own personal life such as the fact that his wife is a w**re and also that his wife isn’t really his wife at all but a computer program designed by the patriots to control the flow of information. He had his suspicions about this before they were married but she assured him it was just cold feet, fission mailed. If you can’t trust your own wife who can you trust? Certainly not Macdonald Miller as it’s actually George Frowny in disguise (spoilers) in fact Geroge Smiley cannot really trust anyone because they are all keeping secrets from him. (Although they do eventually tell him the secrets in lengthy cut scenes, perhaps if they had told him straight away he might have got through the film a bit quicker.)

A lot of this film is just people in rooms saying things like “Who is the spy?” and “I am not the spy.” Come to think of it I could have probably solved who was the spy much quicker as proved below.

Bobbins is in a room with all the men.

Bobbins: (to man 1): Are you the spy!?

Man 1: No

Bobbins: (to man 2): Are you the spy!?

Man 2: No

Bobbins: (to man 3): Are you the spy!?

Man 3: Yes!

Bobbins: Ah ha!

Man 3: Kuwabara Kuwabara Kuwabara

Thankfully the whole film is saved by the bee bullet scene, I wont spoil it for you but suffice to say it involves a lot of bee bullets.

All in all I award this film a Decoy Octopus out of a Benedict Cumberbatch.

Bobbins Review - Land of Going Up Monkeys

Q. When is an ape ape?
A. When it is agape!

When I saw the trailer for “Rise of the planet of the apes.” I was literally “going ape” myself because it looked to be “monkeying around” with my expectations i.e. the expectations that it would not be a good film. More importantly I was not looking forward to all the “chimp” journalists making terrible monkey pun(cher)s in their reviews. Those journalists need to orang-utan and smell the coffee because the news is that those apes are running wild – ape (hog) wild!

Perhaps people would have better impressions of this film if they hadn’t given it such a cumbersome title feature dual “of the”s why didn’t they just go the whole chimp (hog) and call it “The official movie of the novelisation the film of the rise of the planet of the apes.” Or even just “Rise of the apes” or “Star Wars: Rise of the apes” as they have already stolen the font! Lucas fonts aren’t the only things that have been thieved by those unscrupulous simians. So far as I can tell they have also stole the plot of Playstation classic Ape Escape, whereby a super evil monkey is given intelligence by a scientist and proceeds to spread his intelligence to other monkeys who then travel back in time causing havoc. Of course there are subtle differences such as the monkey being made intelligent by genetic engineering instead of a hat with a siren on it, the fact that the monkeys cause havoc in America rather than back in time and the fact that instead of a scientist it is Harry Osborne out of Spiderman.  Or at least he say’s he’s Harry Osborne but without his liney hair style I don’t know what to think. Maybe he would be able to prove he was Harry Osborne by having a scene in the film where a snooty usher won’t let him into the hair salon to have lines drawn onto his head. Also instead of inventing pumpkin bombs he can just do them out of his wrists.

The point is that this monkey film features a lot of good acting from John Lithgow who plays the same man out of Bigfoot and the Henderson’s only instead of being perplexed by a Bigfoot he is perplexed by an ape. Also Andy Circus plays every monkey in the film which continues his long career of playing monkey’s in films. What I find suspicious is why that man is so good at pretending to be a monkey and also why they didn’t just get in a real monkey.

Thinking about it they probably didn’t get a real monkey because the film might give monkey ideas about rising up and having an ape related revolution, this still makes me suspicious of Andy Circuits though because he is so good at pretending to be a monkey he might actually just be a monkey wearing a mans face. The man’s face might be an actual face that the monkey ripped off in a fit of rage or it might be a rubber mask. You may be thinking that a rubber mask would be the less horrifying of those options BUT YOU ARE WRONG because it means that apes have already learned how to make rubber masks. How else would an ape have got hold of a mask? By stealing it from a joke shop? But why would a joke shop have a mask of a man’s face that could fit an ape!!??? What I’m trying to say is that the man that plays the monkey is actually a monkey pretending to be a man playing a monkey so that he can get  ideas about ape-uprising and steal film techniques so that the apes can make convincing anti-human propaganda films.

Overall I am going to give this film a Monkey Hero out of Monkey Magic but I would probably be willing to go up to a Super Monkey Ball if I was 100% sure that the lead actor wasn’t a super intelligent primate plotting to overthrow the world. Let me also say that if any sinister simians are reading this then they should be aware that I have completed all three ape escape games and I will stun club you back to the stone age if you try any of that “Chimpy Business” on my turf.

I have been playing Portal 2

Portal 2

It’s a good puzzle game where every time you solve a puzzle you get a funny quote. Sometimes the funny quotes are from Stephen Merchant. Everybody likes it. It isn’t very hard and you will probably not take very long to finish it. I read on Wikipedia that they were going to get Richard Ayyoade to be in it instead of Stephen Merchant and in my opinion that would have made it better. Perhaps they should have got Matt Berry to do the voice; he would have added “booming qualities”. As a puzzle game it has many successes but I wouldn’t say it was a puzz-tastic as Professor Layton or the Usborne Puzzle Castle book that my brother used to have. It also features many good storytelling elements in the traditional valve style of making cut scenes where you are still controlling the man so that you can’t skip them and instead of seeing what is happening all you do is see a shaking corridor. To be honest this game would probably have been easier if it was in the third person but then you would realise that you are actually playing as a woman and probably throw down the controller in disgust.

Overall I liked this game but due to the short running length I am going to hunt down the man what made it and smash his face in with a bat. It was not worth the £50 they tried to charge for it even though I only paid £22 because I waited until it had come down in price. I’m going to award it an internet meme out of portal. (With points deducted for the blatant flubber rip off and the fact that the last boss looks like the evil robot captain from Wall-E. Try getting your own idea's instead of stealing them from Disney!)

Apples for Homeboy

Homeboy is enjoying life when suddenly he is accosted by the Pritchard gang, of which Pritchard Alpha is the founder member.

Pritchard Alpha: “Homeboy where is apples?”

Homeboy: “Apples am not receiving. Why you are raising this issue?”

Pritchard Alpha: “Homeboy, I was already telling you. Release the apples to my care lest I strike you backwise. I have knowledge of apples and so do you!”

Homeboy: “Not remember!”
 
Pritchard Alpha: “Remember apples after the allotted time or in the future …. Negative circumstance!”

The Pritchard gang are advancing on Homeboy with looks of intent.

Homeboy: “Understand!”
 
Pritchard Alpha: “Yes understand!”

The Pritchard gang is leaving for now.

Homeboy: “Locate apples? Difficulty locates orange!”
 
Homeboy is entering emporium for Vegman Greg. It is selling off many good including radish at $60 per hectare.

Vegman Greg: “Salute Homeboy. Checking emotions?”

Homeboy: “Terrible news….where is the apples?”
 
Vegman Greg: “Worse news, man have Pomegranate!”

Homeboy: “Sigh, the world is bleak.”

Vegman: “Greg: Free banana?”

Homeboy: “Agreed.”

Homeboy moving + consumption of banana has commenced.

Homeboy: “Accurate banana, pending apples still problematic.”

Homeboy enters emporium for Fructose 955.

Fructose 955: “Challenge you Homeboy!”

Homeboy: “Challenge Fructose 955! Finding apple?”

Fructose 955: “Apple finding.”

Homeboy: “Celebration, transfer apple?”

Fructose 955:  “Transfer apple = $600”

Homeboy: “$600. A serious of difficulties arising. Accept lower amount?”

Fructose 955: “NEGATIVE”

Homeboy: “Dejected”

Fructose 955: “Dejected not appreciate.”

Homeboy: “Sigh, the world is bleak.”

Homeboy is leaving now. On the thoroughfare he begins his soliloquy.

Homeboy: “The fairness apple situation is highly questionable, for example Homeboy does not create apples but homeboy is expect create apples. Curses on apples plus also curses on Pritchard gang, most of all a slight on poor Homeboy! Ending the apple story even Homeboy is not winning regardless….”

Homeboy visiting saloon. Associate Garbo is present.

Garbo: “Explain it Homeboy.”
 
Homeboy: “Explain it badly.”

Garbo: “Cripes!”

Homeboy: “The situation with apples is incomprehensible and also dangerous.”

Garbo: “I grant the apples but will anyone else!?”

Homeboy: “Apple not occur, fund apple not occur. Shortly Homeboy not occur. Weep.”

Garbo: “Weep not required, observe by chance.”

Homeboy observes the local publications.

Local Publications: “Big speed test, rewards = apples.”

Homeboy: “Weep is required! Homeboy not do speed test!”

Garbo: “Lending my aid Homeboy! Homeboy will take measure of Garbo automobile. Presently a little knowledge is required for building of ROCKET CAR.”

Homeboy: “Rocket Car?”

Garbo: “ROCKET CAR!”

Homeboy: “Talk of rocket car, alternative talk sprocket car. This balloon is sinking fast.”

Garbo: “Sincerely these abilities are meagre but make attempts!”

Homeboy: “It begins.”

We are witnessing Homeboy and Garbo maintain the automobile into Rocket Car! This work is high standard! Presently the day of speed test arrives and it is Homeboy against the world! Homeboy is speed test amongst Fast Peter, Ben Quadinaros and Alpha Pritchard.

Alpha Pritchard: “Ironic rockets Peabody!”

Homeboy: “Less ironic than moronic you charlatan!”

Alpha Pritchard: “In any event scrumpy for breakfast!”

Homeboy: “Dislike.”

Garbo: “Lower it to the max.”

Lineman: “Prevent speed test…..numerical commence!”

The speed test is begin and it goes like follow –

1. Homeboy is winning
2. Homeboy is not winning
3. Homeboy is not winning
4. Homeboy is not winning
5. Homeboy is winning
6. Homeboy is winning
7. Ben Quadinaros is winning.
8. Homeboy is not winning
9. Homeboy is not winning
10. Homeboy is not winning
11. Alpha Pritchard decimated by collide with heavy lobster.
12. Homeboy wins.
 
Mayor: “The mayor present apples homeboy. Congrats LOL!”

Homeboy: “Homeboy maintain apples, reasoning that Alpha Pritchard has been decimated. Gratitude to Garbo.”

Garbo: “Gratitude to yourself Homeboy.”

Homegirl: “Hero is belonging.”

Homegirl and Homeboy are sharing intimate moment.

Homeboy: “Apples for all!”

Fin.

Today's Work - Serious Journalism

After three days of anarchy the Prime Minister has finally decided to make some tough decisions. He today revealed that prototype cyborg policemen from the future would be sent out to deal with troublemakers in a brutally efficient manner.

We were lucky enough to be able to interview police spokesman Inspector Tockenheim about these developments.

Us: So how do these cyborg policemen differ from your regular bobby on the beat?

Tockenheim:  Unlike a normal policeman a Cyborg policeman has a metal body giving him enhanced strength, speed and reflexes. And yes I mean Policeman not “policeperson” unfortunately Policewomen are unable to undergo the transformation into emotionless crime control robots because as we all know women are allergic to modern technology. It’s all right though; there are still plenty of jobs back at the office – making the robot tea!

Us: So they still drink tea then?

Tockneheim: Robot tea isn’t actually tea, its oil in a mug but we have being asked to refer to it as robot tea so that the cyborg policemen do not lose all semblance of humanity and go berserk.

Us: So how are these cyborg policemen going to stand up to rioters?

Tockenehim: The cyborg Policeman also have several new tricks to deploy against “Johnny Riots.” These include a baton made of lasers, impenetrable adamantium riot shields, sentient hand cuffs inhabited by the soul of their dead partner who was killed by rioters and proton cannons.

Us: Given the government’s previous reluctance to even deploy water cannons and rubber bullets isn’t it slightly extreme to now be arming officers with giant proton cannons?

Tockenheim: Some people might say that but those people probably live in fancy unrioting areas like Berwick or Luton. People are demanding results and nothing gets better results than reducing people to atoms with a high powered laser. If anything they should be thankful we aren’t using neutron cannons!

Us: Isn’t their a danger that these Cyborg Policemen may go mad with power and start killing everyone they deem unworthy, perhaps selecting a few to be “upgraded” and serve in their horrifying technocracy?

Tockenheim: I would be lying if I said this wasn’t the case. There is always an inherent danger in dealing with any kind of machine-man hybrid be it cyborg, android or robot with a man’s brain. We’ve all played rise of the robots! Its very important that these cyborg policemen don’t lose sight of their humanity which is why we have decided to re-home them in comfortable stark white cells and give them numbers instead of names to make them feel more special. If all else fails we have a race of genetically altered crab-men that are sure to put up some sort of fight.

Us: Is this anything like Robocop?

Tockenheim: No it’s nothing like Robocop.

Us: We’ve heard that the cyborg policemen will be enforcing the law in controversial new ways such as freezing criminals with arctic rays, crushing the legs of criminals with their large mechanical vice hands so that they are unable to run away and taunting rioters with demoralising slogans such as “Why don’t you try getting a job and then you could buy things instead of looting them.”. Don’t these methods contravene the human rights act?

Tockneheim: Technically a cyborg policeman is no longer human so they don’t believe in human rights. Although don’t tell them I said that they were no longer human because then they will probably go berserk and crush my legs with their vice hands. It’s not like people really care about human rights anyway. I personally have been sending people back to Aztec times with my patented Tocken-beam for years and I never get any complaints.

Us: Isn’t that because their were no human rights lawyers in Aztec times?

Tockenheim: No it’s because they were all immediately sacrificed to the great Toltec.

Us: Do law abiding citizens have anything to fear from this new technology.

Tockenheim: I would say NO. Law abiding people need not fear these new crime fighters in any way although I would qualify that by saying that when we were testing them they did kill quite a few tramps. Basically you should be ok but if you look a bit unkempt you might want to steer clear. Oh they don’t really get on with children either because we couldn’t get their camera eyes to focus on a large range of sizes. It’s not that they will attack children, just that they might not notice they exist and trample them. The same goes for midgets.

Us: Don’t you think most people would be more comfortable with a friendly local bobby than an emotionless army of steel automaton?

Tockenheim: We have already taken these concerns into consideration. That is why are policemen are programmed to whistle cheerfully as they mercilessly smash in the heads of wrong doers. In many ways it’s a return to the good old days when Dixon of Dock green was able to beat people’s children for stealing sweets without being put on some sort of list. In those days the only register they had for policemen was a register of excellent prevention of crimes.

Us: Thank you for answering our questions inspector, do you have a message you want to pass on to the public regarding the current problems?

Tockenheim: Yes. I’d just like to let everyone know that crime doesn’t pay. Unless it’s some sort of embezzlement crime that is too complicated to understand in which case you might get away with it but then who are you really hurting apart from big corporations that can afford it. Perhaps people wouldn’t embezzle so much if the heads would stop avoiding taxes and pay their dues to society. Did you know that with what the head of Arcadia avoids in taxes I could have bought a sheriffs badge made of palladium. Also if you are thinking of committing a crime then I’d probably do it before these robot things come out because I’ve seen them in action and they really don’t mess about.  I mean seriously I saw one punch a guy so hard that he reproduced asexually.


Later on we were able to have a quick word with one of the ringleaders as he threw biros at innocent bystanders. He requested his name be withheld from publication, but “we don’t protect no riot-men” (His name was Harold Crimes)

Us: Can you tell us why you are engaging in all this violence and destruction? Wouldn’t you prefer to have all the thrills of obeying the law?

Harold Crimes: Well obviously I can speak for everyone involved in these riots as we are after all a cohesive movement. What these riots are mainly about is that looting stuff is really good.

Us: In what way is looting stuff “really good” for example in comparison with not looting stuff?

Harold Crimes: Well you know things?

Us: Items for example?

Harold crimes: Yes things and items. Well normally if I want things I have to go in a shop and buy them but when I’m looting stuff all I have to do is take the things I want. It’s a lot more convenient because you never get a queue and you don’t have to do that awkward bit of small talk with the cashier. I always wonder if their talking to me because they want to or just because they have been told to by the boss. I swear to god I once saw a list of questions to ask customers behind the till at Next. It said things like “Are you going on holiday this year?” and “What’s your favourite kind of screwdriver?”. What has any of this got to do with buying clothes!? Also I really wanted to buy some batman pants but it was a girl on the till and I didn’t want her thinking I was some sort of pervert so I had to come back and loot them later on.

Us: What do you say to people who claim you are hurting innocent business and ruining people’s livelihoods?

Harold Crimes: Well they should have thought about the consequences before stocking the kinds of things in their shops that I like to loot.

Us: But what about the fires you have started? What does that have to do with feeling slightly awkward when buying superhero themed underwear?

Harold Crimes: To be honest I feel a bit bad about that. Me and my mate Colsey were playing with a lighter and we got a bit carried away. I think Colsey felt so guilty that he buried his lighter in the woods. Unfortunately he buried it under a pile of dry wood and that caused even more problems. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be held to account for that but he’s lived in a  tower block his whole life. What does he know about nature? He’d never even seen a tree before yesterday. How was he to know they were flammable?

Us: Finally can we just ask you about your response to the recently announced cyborg policemen?

Harold Crimes: They don’t really worry me. Confuser Gaz says he knows a bloke that can get a load of knock off bosun cannons and a couple of people on twitter are working on an EMP blast that will short out all their main cyber-functions. If all else fails we’ll just have to stop looting, which will be a shame.





After the time of writing we became aware that the Cyborg Policemen were actually just programmed to attack poor people and also that they weren't robots at all but just men holding baking trays. Oh David!

Today's Work - Kes 2: Reloaded

Downtrodden knave Billy Casper discovers hope for a better life when he become saquainted with the Peregrine Falcon he affectionately names Kes. (Even though Perry or Falco would have been more sensible names.) In showing of his new feathered friend Casper develops confidence in himself and builds a friendship with an English teacher who may or may not be a paedophile.  It becomes apparent to Billy that he may have a chance at a better life, something beyond the coal pits. However his youthful enthusiasm is crushed when his evil brother Judd kills Kes. This is just the beginning of the story.

 

Billy: Judd tha’s killed Kes an’ it dint do nowt to thee. Tha’s a reet get.

 

Judd: Shut that face our Billy. Tha dunt need Kestrels where tha’s go-in. Mebbes a canary tee hee.

 

Billy cradles the broken body of Kes .

 

Billy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Doctor Toriyama comes running from next door.

 

Toriyama: Billy, it may not be too late to save Kes.

 

Billy: Gnnn, Doctor Toriyama!

 

Troiyama: Quickly boy to my garage and underground research laboratory.

 

They rush off with Kes. Doctor Toriyama begins work immediately…

 

Toriyama: The spirit of Kes still burns brightly.

 

He connects two positronic connectors and flicks a large science switch

 

Toriyama: We can save her, improve her.

 

Close up of a heart monitor, it goes from flatline to feint peaks to a strong heartbeat.

 

Toriyama: From now on Billy Kes won’t just be your hope. She’ll be the world’s hope.

 

The bird’s talon twitches.

 

Toriyama: A bright hope for the future.

 

Kes extends and retracts new metallic wings.

 

Toriyama: Sky borne guardian of all our tomorrows.

 

Kes Squawks loudly.

 

Toriyama: A shining beacon, a symbol, arise Silver Robot Guardian Kezujin.

 

The new improved Kes flies out of the laboratory and spreads her wings. She has been transformed into a giant robot bird from the future.

 

Toriyama: As you can see Billy not only is Kes now a giant robot from the future, I have made her skin out of Toriyamium - a new alloy of my own invention which is virtually indestructible! And that’s not all…

 

SRG Kezujin lands next to them and a cockpit opens in the bird’s head.

 

Toriyama: Go on Billy give her a spin?

 

Billy: Eck mister, ah don’t know nowt bout fleeing robots.

 

Toriyama: Nonsense Billy, as Kezujin’s best friend you are the only one that CAN pilot her. Now go on…and don’t forget this.

 

Toriyama throws Billy a strange looking watch. When Billy presses the button he is instantly transformed into Burning Hero Casparian – the masked pilot of SRG Kezujin.

 

Billy: Ah feel reet strong wih this new gear on. Come on Kes, lets get on us way. I think you and are kid av some business to settle.

 

Billy jumps into SRG Kezujin and takes off at supersonic speeds. Its not long before they find Judd on his way home from t’betting shop.

 

Billy: There ee is Kez, now it ‘im wit’ Keztrel Beam Cannon.

 

SRG Kezujin opens her robotic beak and begins to fire a powerful lazer cannon.

 

Judd: By eck, its our kid and ee’s got a giant flamin’ robot!

 

Judd is vaporized by the powerful robot bird.

 

Meanwhile on Mars. In the court of King Craven, the evil Martian despot.

 

King Craven: Finally my army of giant monsters is complete. Those foolish earthmen won’t know what hit them. General Sil-var are our battle plans ready?

 

Sil-var: Yes sire we have located the greatest source of coal on earth, the mines of Barnsley. Once we have all those fossil fuels to power our machines our army will be unstoppable.

 

King Craven: Excellent, I will send down one of my best giant monsters to conquer it.

 

Sil-var: Sire I thought we might send all the giant monsters at once, then there is no chance of us losing.

 

King Craven: Nonsense! I’m not made of giant monsters Sil-Var and anyway those puny earthlings have yet to develop the giant robot technology required to defeat my giant monsters.

 

Sil-Var: Very well sire I will dispatch Nava-rosa the Moon Goon at once.

 

The Moon Goon is dispatched to Earth where he sets about attacking the Hoyland open cast mines.

 

Nava Rosa: Hoo haa hoo ha you puny humans will soon be “moon bliterated” by my lunar laser.

 

Chief Miner Trev: Blimey! That big get’s gunna take darn t’mines  an then where we gunna work?

 

Assistant Miner Grenville: Ah dunt know, ave done mining since a left school! I aint got no other skills.

 

Nava Rosa: You weak Earth men should have tried harder at school, maybe you could have got cushy office jobs. Now the only job you are going to get is a “crushy” job under the sole of my moon boot!

 

Chief Miner Trev: Eck!

 

Just as Nava Rosa is about to tread on the miners SRG  Kezujin flies into the monster and knocks him over.

 

Billy: Oy Moon man, why dunt tha pick on sumbde yer own size!

 

Nava Rosa: What!? No one knocks over Nava Rosa the Moon Goon, prepare to feel the might of my lunar laser.

 

Nava Rosa shoots his Lunar Laser but it bounces harmlessly of the Toriaymium armour plating.

 

Billy: That cant get a dint in this cocker! Come on Kes let’s give im what for…. GEE IT DRILL BEAK ATTACK LIKE.

 

SRG Kezuijin uses its powerful drill beak attack to fly straight through Nava Rosa the Moon Goon causing it to implode due to Moon-gravity.

 

Nava- Rosa: Cripes!

 

Billy: Theer tha gus! That’s what ‘appens when that tries to feight wi’ me an Kes!

 

Meanwhile on Mars.

 

KIing Craven:  Curse that Billy Casper! He might have won this time but no one can stand up against the might of the Martian army not even a giant robot bird from the future.

 

To be continued……