Happy Marriage Ken and Wallis !

"Down the Pub - A working person's sitcom"

Episode 1 – First Re-booze-al

 

Int – Local pub ‘The Pearl and Dean’ Gaz and Big Bazzer are sat at a table drinking BEER and eating CRISPS. Kenty the barmaid is behind the bar arranging the LARGER.

 

Big Bazzer: Eye up Kenty, ows about me and you go out for a pizza on sat’day night…pizza the action that is!

 

Kenty: I know somewhere you could go on Saturday, its called on yer bike!

 

Big Bazzer: Women eh! If I had a pund for every time that appened…

 

Gaz: You’d have 3.53!

 

Suddenly Daz bursts in, with his typical ‘Dazhnu Walk’.

 

Daz: Alright lads it’s been a right Pete Tong of a day and no mistakes! I need to get some alcohol in my system top smart.

To Kenty Get us a pint o’ milk love.

 

Gazzer + Bazzer: Whaaaa?

 

Daz: BEER MILK that is! Gotcha again didn’t I lads? Honestly you two are so thick we could pour you on as gravy!

 

Kenty: That’ll be seven bob please.

 

Daz: Bleedin ell, it’s a bigger rip off than Ronnie Biggs!

 

He puts down a tenner pund note, takes his BEER and goes to sit with Gaz and Big Bazzer. Big Bazzer is reading the TABLOID NEWSPAPER.

 

Big Bazzer: Look at this its disgustin’ all these immigants comin in the country and they cant even speak the languages!

 

Daz: Sometimes I don’t even thing you can speak the language mate!

 

Big Bazzer: Yeah but you don’t see me getting any benefits…

 

Daz: You seem to get the ‘benefit of the doubt’ quite a lot mate!

 

Big Bazzer: HOOO

 

Gaz: So watcha been doin’ all day anyway Daz?

 

Daz: Somefink you know nothing about!

 

Big Bazzer: That could be anything where Gaz is concerened!

 

Gaz: Shut yer peephole chalky! So come on Daz, whats the mysterious activity you have been partaking in?

 

Big Bazzer: Was it intercourse with a lady?

 

Gaz : More like with a man!

 

Daz: Are you suggesting I’m a homosexual?

 

Gaz: No but if you hum it I’ll pick it up!

 

Daz: Alright Lewis Duck, calm down. It just so appens I was doing A HARD DAYS WORK!

 

Big Bazzer: First time for everything!

 

Gaz: That’s what your lass said the other day!

 

Big Bazzer: HOOOO

 

Daz: Will you two wallies stop carrying on and let me get a word in edgewise! Look Old Man Fentiman is having a clear up and he needs people to move the stuff, the best part is you get to keep whatever you want.

 

Gaz: That old coot hasn’t got anything worth taking, its all novelty table lamps and Geiger counters.

 

Daz: That’s what I thought but Simian Jones let me in on a secret that during the war Old Man Fentiman found some Stalin gold and buried it in Kent. Only thing is he’s forgotten all about it but if some helpful person was to find the map…

 

Gaz: ….they wouldn’t be ‘stalin’ in going to the bank – with the gold that is!

 

Big Bazzer: Can you even keep gold in the bank?

 

Daz: Course they do, why do you think they call it the royal mint? Its not because her highness enjoys the odd after eight! You prize stencil!

 

Gaz: So ow comes Simian Jones doesn’t want to get to grips with this communist treasure trove? He’s not exactly charitable Peter.

 

Daz: Lets just say he’s rocking all over the world – in prison that is.

 

Gaz: I thought he got out last month.

 

Daz: He did, but the lollygagger only went and murdered his wife! I said to him “I’ve heard of trouble and wife but this is more like trouble and life (imprisonment)”

 

Gaz: In that case let’s get down there before someone else finds that map.

 

They get up to leave.

 

Big Bazzer: Aw wait a minute lads, I haven’t finished me pint.

 

Gaz: You’ve had enough pints to last you a lifetime mate, come on!

 

They pull Big Bazzer out of his chair and leave the pub. Kenty shakes her head in disparagement.

 

Meanwhile in Kelseys flat, Kelsey and Savon are discussing MEN.

 

Kelsey: My Daz is a right prime Leroy. Last night he tripped over and hit his head on a nail!

 

Savon: My Bazzer only managed to tangle himself in the phone cable, talk about automatic redial.

 

Kelsey: What a right royal pair of bakewells. Why are men so rubbish?

 

Savon: I think its to do with their equipment….penis equipment that is!

 

Kelsey: I think my Daz needs to take his equipment back to the shop!

 

Savon: I think Bazzer has lost his receipt…

 

Kelsey: If it was up to men their probably wouldn’t be any receipts.

 

Savon: And then they’d probably expect the women to take everything back to the shop.

 

Kelsey: So what’s new!

 

Daz and Gaz enter, Big Bazzer is not far behind.

 

Gaz: Alright love, just come to borrow your shovel.

 

Kelsey: What you want my shovel for? Last time I lent you a shovel it ended up being eaten by a wolf, quite literally.

 

Gaz: Oh come on darling you know that wolf ad a thing for digging equipment.  Me and the boys just wanna do some pigeon racing. We need the shovel for the trenches.

 

Kelsey: Pigeon racin’, since when are you interested in pigeon racing?

 

Gaz: Since the grand pigeon tournament prize is a weekend away in Keswick!

 

Kelsey: Fine take my shovel, but I’m warning you Gaziel Bringstock. If I find out that my shovel has been consumed you’ll be sleeping on the sofa from here till doomsday!

 

Gaz: At least then I won’t have to put up with your snoring!

 

She throws the shovel at him.

 

Kelsey: I don’t snore I just…do hippo impressions in my sleep.

 

Gaz: It looks like you’re doing one now love!

 

He runs off

 

Kelsey: Get knotted! She turns to Savon MEN!

 

Savon shakes her head.

 

 

Ext The highstreet Gaz and Baz are walking up it and Big Bazzer follows behind eating a pastry product.

 

Daz: Right lads, all we gotta do is find that map and then its goodbye high street hello money street!

 

Gaz: I hear that street is paved with gold.

 

Big Bazzer: We’ll be lucky if it’s paved with bronze fingers!

 

Daz: That’s not what I heard!

 

Big Bazzer: HOOOO

 

They arrive at Old Man Fentiman’s curiosity shop/gold mine.

 

Fentiman: Have you errr …  tried my chance cube?

 

Gaz: Bleedin ‘ell aint you ever ‘erd of the minimum wage?

 

Big Bazzer: Minimum glaive is more like it.

 

Gaz: He certainly seems to be slicing up the wages!

 

Fentiman: Hi Chuba di nanga?

 

Daz: Don’t worry Mr Fentiman I’ll get these two reprobates in line whispering quiet you two or we’ll never get our hands on that gold.

 

Fentiman: Republic credits are no good here!

 

Daz: That’s right Mr Fentiman we’ll get right to work. Whispers Bleedin’ ell hes even managed to sink a gravy boat an all!

 

They go through to Fentiman’s yard it is full of old trinkets and rubbish. i.e. Art Deco Mirror

 

Big Bazzer: Ecky thump Daz, ow are we supposed to find the map in all this rubbish?

 

Daz: By working together lads! If we all pull together we’ll get it done in no time.

 

Gaz: Well said Daz. So what’s the plan?

 

Daz: You go help Bazzer with that moose head and I’ll go av’ a tea break!

 

Big Bazzer: HOOO

 

 

Some time later, everyone is looking rather tired and most of the rubbish has gone from Fentimans yard.

 

Gaz: We must be nearly at that map now, this is the last  bit of rubbish. If it’s not under here I don’t know where it is!

 

Big Bazzer: Maybe it’s in  Daz’s big mouth that he uses to tell lies with!

 

Daz: Now come on lads, we just have to keep going. You know what they say “No toil means no foil.”

 

Simian Jones enters the yard.

 

Jones: Alright lads, got everything tidied up in my new yard I see!

 

Daz: What do you mean your yard?

 

Jones: Didn’t you know Dazmond? I bought this yard from old fentiman last week. Got it for a lyric as well, I knew it’d be a nice little earner…once it was tidy. Fangs for the memories boys!

 

Daz: Naff of Jones!

 

Gaz: But we thought you was in prison?

 

Jones: I know you did hahahah thought I murdered the missus! She’s on ‘olliday you bunch on griffins. Two weeks at the costa del mare, Majorca no expense spared.

 

Gaz: Come on lads I need a pint of BEER.

 

Jones: Thanks again boys ehhehehehe

 

They turn to leave

 

Big Bazzer: Wait up lads, what about the treasure map?

 

Gaz: Bazzer you norridge, their aint’ no gold. We’ve been sewn up good an pepper. All that work for nothing.

 

Daz: Never mind that lads. We’ve got bigger problems to attend to, like how Kelsey is coming this way with a leaflet for the Keswick pencil museum.

 

Gaz: It’s worse than you think…look

 

He reveals the shovel has bite marks in it.

 

Gaz/Big Bazzer/Daz: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Fin

 

 

 

Today's Work - Inspector Tockenheim

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Tockenheim goes ovum cover.

 

O’Hallaroan the Cyborg philanthropist is handing out Easter Eggs at the local orphanage, a selfless act given the risks of melted chocolate gumming up his complex circuitry. The smiles on the children’s faces always engage his emotional capacitors and the people of the town consider him to be a good man. (Albeit one who is 60% robotic). Unfortunately things are about to go from “Cyborg Funtime” to “Crimelord run spine”…

 

O’Hallaran: Come closer children there is enough chocolate for everyone…

 

Uncle Brantox (the orphanage boss): Even me?

 

O’Hallaran: Yes even you Brantox, although my optic sensor confirms that you are already 98% body fat.

 

Uncle Brantox: Well I do like my strudel!

 

Suddenly O’Hallaran registers the cries of a child with his sonic-decoderizer.

 

Jimmy Spelt: Sob sob Gulp

 

O’Hallaran: Why the tears child? Do you not enjoy chocolate, would you prefer a plastic egg filled with Haribos?

 

Jimmy Spelt: Sniff Sniff.. its not that mister, I love chocolate I really do. They call me John Choc round the orphanage, but look at this…..

 

He reveals that inside the Easter egg is a bird foetus

 

O’Hallaran: Error! This Foetus should not be present!

 

More children’s cries can be heard – Big Boy Jeremy runs over.

 

Jeremy: I dunno where you been getting them eggs mister but they’s all got dead birds in em or summfink, it’s causing a right kafuffle.

 

O’Hallaran: Does not compute, someone has been tampering with my eggs! 

 

Uncle Brantox: We’ll never get to the bottom of this mystery!

 

O’Hallaran: Maybe not us Brantox but perhaps I know someone who can help.

 

Using his internal modems O’Hallaran sends a tweet to the great Inspector Tockenhem (@Tock1995) It isn’t long before Tockenheim arrives on his trademark Tocken-dial rotating cog platform. Behind him on the Cogcycle is his faithful assistant Constable Cogsworthy.

 

Tockenheim: Hello gentleman, I understand you have a most disturbing case for me?

 

Uncle Brantox: Indeed we do Mr Tockenheim, you see someone has been planting these ere foetuses in the chocolate eggs which kind my O’Halloran herewas giving to the little kiddies.

 

Cogsworthy: Ack! Ooh do you fink wud do a fing like that Inspector, and more to the point why?

 

Tockenheim: Well maybe I should leave you to investigate this one Cogsworthy?

 

Cogsworrthy: Really sir?

 

Tockenheim: Of course not you lanyard wearing lollygagger! If we wait for you to find the culprit we’ll be here until bank holiday Monday! I am only a hairs breadth away from solving this mystery! Mr O’Halloran one of those chocolate eggs if you please.

 

O’Halloran: Here you go inspector.

 

He hands over one of the eggs.

 

Tockenheim: Just as I suspected! These aren’t chocolate eggs at all but ostrich eggs painted brown. I’m afraid you have been the victim of a terrible fraud Mr O’Halloran.

 

O’Halloran: But Inspector I bought those eggs from H.N Twentyworth, the finest confectioner in town?

 

Tockenheim: Then you were obviously unaware that H.N Twentyworth was bought out several months ago by your rival Jason Spanners. Clearly this is another of his attempts to bankrupt you and steal your advanced Cyborg Technology.

 

Jason Spanners appears in his robotic battlesuit.

 

Jason: That’s right O’Halloran and if I can’t bankrupt you through egg deceit I’ll bankrupt you through robotic force! (And by bankrupt I mean kill you)

 

Tockenheim: Not while I’m around Mr Spanners!

 

Tockenheim uses his trademark illuminate blast to send Jason Spanners back to Aztec times.

 

Tockenheim: Well that seemed to put a spanner in the works!

 

All: HAHAHHAAHAHHA

 

Fin

Today's Work - Inspector Tockenheim

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Tockenheim ties the knot

 

The United Kingdoms are all settling down to watch what promises to be the greatest event of the 21^st Century. The marriage of a balding man to a plain looking woman, it sounds dull but both of them are very rich so the wedding promises to be full of outlandish set pieces i.e. a carriage made of gold being pushed into a moat by a circus strongman. Esteemed guest Earl Huffrington V of Oslo is getting ready to make his appearance, however things are about to go from “Here comes the bride” to “Fear runs and glides”.

 

Earl Huffrington V: Servants, fetch me my fiddlers three at once!

 

Servant Brunswick: Sir…I’m afraid there is a problem with your fiddlers three. It seems they have now been made the fiddlers free. (Of the confines of the cage you were keeping them in.)

 

Earl Huffrington V: Alas who would have released my fiddlers? Don’t they know that Irishmen don’t deserve their freedom!? More importantly how am I supposed to get in a jovial mindset now that I know my fiddlers are running wild? This could cause quite an upset as I may be thinking of Fiddler Fenwick picking daisies in a field and produce an involuntary scowl that will be witnessed by Archduke Lexington. This can do nothing for my social standing… oh me…oh upset…

 

Servant Brunswick: Nein! The Earl is having some sort of episode. We must find these fiddlers at once.

 

Earl Huffrington V: Alas alack!

 

The Earl starts to thrash about causing several artefacts to be knocked over. Suddenly inspector Tockenheim throws the door open and slaps the earl to his senses.

 

Tockenheim: What is all this kerfuffle? I can hear you from the next room, as an honoured guest of the crown I demand you be silent!

 

Earl Huffrington V: I’m sorry, I do not know what has come over me sir, in fact I feel quite strange all round. You see sir my fiddlers three have been unleashed and I know not where they may be.

 

Tockenheim: Little did you know Tockenheim was already on the case! It was me that released those fiddlers! Even a cursory scan with my illuminate pendulum showed that they weren’t real Irishmen.

 

Earl Huffrington V: Blast your eyes sir! I’ll see you hang for this!

 

Tockenheim: I think not, as Im charging you with illegal possession of fiddlers! Your licence is three days out of date.

 

Earl Huffrington V: But it doesn’t expire until Wednesday? I have my renewal form right here, you’ll never make this stick!

 

Tockenheim: You forgot about the time difference between Oslo and the United Kingdoms, another slip up by the Norwegians! You may have diplomatic immunity, but no one is immune to lady justice!

 

Earl Huffrington V: Curse you Tockenheim!

 

Tockenheim: Looks like you’ve fiddled with the wrong man this time!

 

Fin

Today's Work - Inspector Tockenheim

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Tockenheim phones it in

All around the village of Bankroft people are settling down to watch the new series of ‘Gettysburg LIVE!’ the popular chat show hosted by Daniel Craig’s shadow. However things are about to go from ‘Quantum of Solace’ to ‘Restroom of Horace’…

Well proportioned master of the hunt and part time model Gebi Hockhauser is enjoying the ‘Gettysburg LIVE!’ in the comforts of her own arm chair but she is rudely disturbed by the telephone machine.

Telephone machine: ALERT INCOMING COMMUNICATIONS – ALERT INCOMING COMMUNICATIONS

Gebi: Excelsior! Who is this on my telephone machine?

Telephone machine: Grumble grumble

Gebi: Im sorry caller I cannot make out what you are saying, please speak louder or at least move the receiving handset nearer to your mouth.

Telephone machine: MENS WILLIES!

Gebi: ACK!

She immediately falls into a coma due to the harshness of the language. Meanwhile across the village important businessman Remmingtom III is also enjoying ‘Gettysburg LIVE! ‘ that is until he receives a most unsavoury message on his fax machine.

Remmington III: A fax at this hour! It must be from one of my important Japanese business clients such as Mr Yashimoto, when will those crazy foreigners learn to tell the time properly?

He dons spectacles and begins to read the fax

Remmington III: What’s this? A note saying “BUMS!” GRAAAAAA….

He slumps over clutching at his chest

Remmington III: This……..abuse of…..fax technology……….is….to muc….graaaaa

These are not isolated incidents, all over the village people are receiving messages of a most unpleasant nature…

In the home of dedicated housewife and opinionated  bitch Mother Grandle

Mother Grandle: An email saying ‘KNICKERS!’ who would utilise the computron in this way? This is an absolute OUTRAGE and I feel that as a result all technology should be thrown on a fire.

At mayor hours, the house of the mayor.

Aide Screwball: Sir an important telegram has been received!

Mayor Gears: What’s this? DEAR MAYOR STOP BOOBIES STOP!

Aide Scramble: My word!

Mayor Gears: What is the meaning of this!? Summon inspector Tockenheim at once!

Aide Scramble: Right Mr Mayor, I’ll go get the yellow materia.

However before he can leave a familiar voice emanates from the television.

Tockenheim: No need for that Mr Mayor, you see I have already solved this crime and I am here at Gettysburg live to bring the perpetrator to justice. Nobody tweets Tockenheim the word “Testes” and lives to tell the tale or if they do live to tell the tale they will face a severe fine!

Cogsworthy: ‘ere guvna oo’s be sending out all this rambunctious messaging  then?

Tockenheim: A simple question from a simple man! The answer is obvious! It was the shows producer Gazmodiar he was trying to distract everyone from the best bit of the program where Daniel Craig’s shadow threw an emu off a bus.

Cogsworthy: But why wood ee do that guvna, don’t ee want the programme to be a success?

Tockenehim: You might think that but I already knew that Gazmodiar was taking backhanders from the mafia to sabotage the programme. Gettysburgh LIVE! Is notoriously critical of organised crime, remember last year when Daniel Craig’s shadow said “Organised Crime? More like Forgone with lime!”

Cogsworthy: But guvna that explains why the mafia hates Gettysburgh LIVE! But not why they didn’t just kill the presenter or why Gazmodiar was taking backhanders!

Tockenheim: Shut up Cogsworthy. Clearly the mafia cannot kill Daniel Craig’s shadow because bullets just go through it and if they throw him in a lake he just appears on top of the lake also Gazmodiar had to take those backhanders because he had severe gambling debts. You see Gazmodiar was addicted to betting on the outcome of feature films, unfortunately he was very bad at it. Just look at these betting slips £500 on the toys to die in a big fire at the end of Toy Story 3, £700 on Tony Stark to kill a china man at the end of Iron Man 2 and £1000 on everyone turning into dogs when they get shot in the expendables.

Gazmodiar appears in the rafters

Gazmodiar: Very good Tockenheim but you can’t tell me that getting turned into a dog isn’t a fate worse than death! They can’t even put the clocks back in Spring!

Tockenheim: It’s Spring Forward FALL BACK!

Gazmodiar: But you can also say spring back, fall forward so that saying makes no sense! Also we don’t even say fall we say autumn.

His mad rambling causes him to fall from the rafters and die.

Tockenheim: I think its time for a commercial BREAK!

Everyone: Hahahahhahahahaha

FIN

Today's Work - Inspector Tockenheim

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Inspector Tockenheim goes out on the (L)Ash

 

Private Citizen Jarocks Mendoza is settled down in his flat to watch his DVD box set of Ashes to Ashes – Funk to Funky, the popular drama about policemen abusing human rights in the olden days. However things are about to go from ‘Life on Mars’ to ‘Strife with Jimmy Carrs’.

 

Jarocks: I can’t wait to see policeman Gene Hunt abuse some human rights during the 1980’s, now to reach into my DVD cabinet and locate this inexplicably popular series.

 

Jarocks is left only grasping the air as his DVD has been absconded by criminals.

 

Jarocks: Oh noes! My precious DVD has been ‘away with the fairies’ now I will never find out that they were dead all along even though it was obvious that was the case as if they had actually travelled in time they wouldn’t have different clothes. If only Gene Hunt were here to mistreat some suspects then I would get my DVD back.

 

Inspector Tockenheim steps out of the shadows

 

Tockenheim: Don’t worry Jarocks you have an even better policeman at your disposal and in honour of it being Ash Wednesday I have decided to solve the crime in the style of Gene Hunt. That is I am going to assault you until you confess that you never had the DVD in the first place.

 

Jarocks: Its true, I just wanted to look like a big man. In reality all I have is this VHS recorder and a handful of dreams.

 

Tockenheim: Well I’m still going to hit you with this lead pipe for wasting police time.

 

Jarocks: Thank you sir.

 

Fin

Today's Work - Inspector Tockenheim

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Inspector Tockenheim’s close Shrove

Everyone is having fun at the annual Pancake day event known as “Pankoff 2011”in the village square, however things are about to go from ‘Flipping good fun’ to ‘Crippling chum’. Because something is amiss with the mayors best frying pan.

Mayor Gears: Oh me! Something is greatly amiss with my best frying pan which I affectionately nicknamed “The Prand Duchess”. My Pancakes are coming out undercooked and misshapen, a tragedy on this most shrove of all Tuesdays!

Aide Screwball: It’s even worse than that dear mayor, you see this isn’t the Prand Duchess at all….its a paddle from a rowing boat. SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE PRAND DUCHESS.

Mayor Gears :Oh me! If we don’t find the culprit before midnight this Shrove Tuesday will be more like “Hash Wednesday”.

Aide Scamble: Don’t worry sir I’m sure we’ll have a “Good (Fri)day” as I’ve just activated the ‘Tock Signal’.

The glowing T of the Tock Signal is soon noticed by Inspector Tockenheim and his bumbling assistant Constable Cogsworthy. Actually Cogsworthy didn’t notice it at all and Tockenheim had to point it out to him but even after that Cogsworthy hadn’t seen it but he said he had to shut him up.

Tockenheim: Mr Mayor what’s all this ‘Pan-demonium’!? Don’t answer that as it was just a funny pan based pun on account of I already know that your best pan has been stolen, even more than that I know who the culprit is!

Constable Cogsworthy: Blimey Guvna’ owd you ever guess all that strike a light?

Tockenheim: Please be quiet Cogsworthy as you have delayed my explanation by several minutes and I have some important shrove business to attend to!

Constable Cogsworthy: Sorry guv, I’m just a simple bobby on the beat and I don’t mean no ‘arm!

Mayor Gears: Oh Me! Could someone please reunite me with my pan post haste!

Tockenheim: I’m afraid it isn’t so simple Mr Mayor as your pan has been eaten by a robot dinosaur from the future. Everyone knows that Dinosaurs are actually robots from the very end of time going back into the past to have more civilisation, occasionally they stop too early and must eat metal things in order to energise their time travel transistors. ‘The Prand Duchess’ is the most metallious thing in this entire village on account of it being a rural backwater where everything else is made of wattle and daub.

Mayor Gears: Then where is this paddle from?

Tockenheim: That’s not a paddle; it’s a matter control wand from the year 5000 left to you as a gift by the Robot Dinosaur. I believe that if you press the button on the side and request pancakes they will materialise before your very eyes!

Mayor Gears: What if I were to request prostitutes?

Tockenheim: Oh Mayor Gears! Everyone knows there are no prostitutes in the year 5000!

Mayor Gears: Well it was worth a try!

Everyone: Hahahahahah

Constable Cogsworthy: This is the best Shrove Tuesday ever!

Fin