Shadows of the Cow Men: The Bovine Conspiracy

Chapter 1: Implements of justice

Dashing local government clerk Gavin “Ace” Roberts was already half way through another day of doing very little at the tax payer’s expense. He completed his fifth sudoku puzzle of the day with a flourish of his mechanical pencil, before getting back to work on his semi-autobiographical horror novel “The Salamander Effect”. In which a sudden increase in the world population of Salamanders causes a global crisis and the eventual collapse of civilisation as we know it. The good thing about “The Salamander Effect” was that at first it appeared that the overproduction of Salamanders was the threat but the real threat was mans inability to tame his own destructive nature. The other good thing about “The Salamander Effect” was that it featured very graphic descriptions of people having their eyes eaten by packs of roving Salamanders.

“Tania opened her mouth to scream in horror but the sound was blocked by a particularly angry salamander crawling down her throat and biting down hard on her tonsils. Ordinarily this would have upset Tania quite a lot but she was too busy worrying about the Salamanders slowly pulling her eyes out to notice that her lungs were filling with blood. The last thing Tania saw was the inside of a Salamander’s gullet although she didn’t actually see it because it’s quite dark inside a Salamander’s gullet. Anyway the point is that it really hurt and there was blood, entrails and lizard jelly all over the place.”

Today Gavin was working on a chapter in which his hero, charismatic payroll administrator Alvin Robson, tries to stave off the boredom of post salamander-apocalypse society by writing a period romance novel entitled “The feelings of Lombard”. He was finding it quite hard going because he had never actually read any period romance novels and was trying to write passages based solely on a visit to Bronte country where he had eaten a very disappointing sandwich.

Even though he was typing Gavin chewed the end of the biro in order to aid his concentration and so as to look especially busy to his co-workers. It also satiated his oral fixation but he preferred not to think about that. While composing a particularly thrilling paragraph about the birth of a Salamander/Human hybrid Gavin managed to chew right through the top of the pen. The shock of having several delicious shards of plastic now exploring his mouth caused him to drop the pen and commence emergency choking procedures. i.e. inserting figures into mouth in order to remove the unwelcome “pen guests”.  One particularly stubborn piece had lodged itself into the gap between his front teeth taking several minutes to work loose. Gavin made a mental note to write a scene in which a giant Salamander uses a man as a toothpick to dislodge the remains of his own children. Even if he couldn’t fit it into “The Salamander Effect” he would probably be able to use it in his planned sequel “2alamander : Requiem” in which two sentient salamanders make a perilous journey across a wasteland perused by brutish humans who have long since lost all reason.

For now thought Gavin set Salamander based matters aside. In order to maintain his illusion of efficiency he would have to secure himself a new biro. He attempted to mentally prepare himself for the arduous journey to the stationary cupboard by imagining all the fun times he would have with his new pen. Perhaps he would take down a phone message, use it to indicate particularly provocative words in a letter of complaint or even to doodle an amusing image of a man with small eyes and a very large mouth.

 Taking one last lingering look at his desk Gavin rose up with a sigh and ambled up the office hoping that he would not be accosted by renowned office bore Melody Gargas and her tales of being swindled by foreigners. Thankfully she was taking a half day in order to spend time with her ugly children so Gavin made the journey relatively unscathed. There had been a tense few moments when a colleague tried to make eye contact with him but he was able to avoid becoming embroiled in a difficult situation by appearing to closely scrutinise the labels of some nearby folders.

Gavin flung open the cupboard doors with gay abandon and spent several minutes selecting a sufficiently juicy pen. Discarding the no name brands and attention seeking red and green biros Gavin settled on a handsome orange Bic. “A classic piece of design work.” He thought to himself as he claimed his prize. All in all Gavin was rather pleased with himself as he went to swing the cupboard door shut. It was only when he had closed the door nearly all the way that he noticed the folder marked “Cow files”….

Chapter 2: Wavering resistance

“Don’t you go near my private files!” shouted big boss Dan Clements as he flew across the office and put his hand over the file Gavin had just picked up. “But sir” Gavin protested “I just wondered what cow files are doing in this cupboard?” Dan bristled visibly at the mention of cow files. “Listen here you, these aren’t cow files. What would an office of government want with cow files!? This says car files UNDERSTAND?!”

Gavin was confused as the label had clearly said cow files and there had been a picture of a cow on the label which seemed an unusual thing to put on a car file. However he felt it best not to argue with the boss so he just nodded. Dan relaxed slightly “So let’s hear no more of this cow nonsense ok?” again Gavin nodded. Thinking that Gavin had forgotten all about cow files Dan began to make small talk asking Gavin how he was coping with his work and whether he had seen some sports events. Gavin tried to pay attention but he soon found himself wondering about the contents of the cow files.

Gavin spent the rest of the day waiting for Dan to leave the office so he could approach the intriguing file but as 4:00 rolled around it looked like Dan wasn’t going to leave his desk and curious though he was Gavin was not going to hang around the office after hours, after all he wasn’t some sort of simpleton. Never the less the issue of the cow files played on his mind all evening and he even had a strange dream in which a giant cow was trying to crack him on the side of a bowl like an egg.  The worse thing about the dream was that apart from that the cow was quite polite sand kept apologizing saying things like “Sorry old chap it has to be done.” and “You know what they say cow today, gone tomorrow.” The cow’s name was Harry Papillion.

In the morning Gavin resolved to see the contents of those files, if their was cow business he wanted to know and he even had a plan…

Chapter 3: The milk void

“Hello Dan Clements here, what do you mean my house has burnt down!? I’ll be on my way even though it means I will be out of the office for at least half an hour!”

Smiling to himself Gavin hung up the phone. His plan to impersonate a fireman had worked perfectly and now all he had to do was saunter from the phone box across the street into the office and feast his eyes on the coveted cowformation. As he approached the cupboard Gavin began to have second thoughts. Perhaps Dan was right and there were things about cows that men were just not meant to know. “Dan always does look a little on edge” thought Gavin “Maybe these cow files are just too much for a person to bear. As the saying goes ‘let’s sleeping cows alone’” But curiosity is a powerful master and in spite of himself Gavin began to open the cow files, what they contained was so unbelievable he could barely make sense of it. Picture after picture of cows….and they were all wearing hats! What did this have to do with local governance? Gavin resolved to confront Dan head on as it seemed that instead of managing the section he was involved in some sort of bovine novelty headgear scandal. He thought it would probably be best to give it a week or two though because his impression of a fireman hadn’t been that good and he had set a load of fireworks off in Dan’s shed to try and make the story convincing.

Before returning the cow files he took some photo’s of the data with his generic brand smartphone just in case he had to bring this information to employment tribunal. He imagined he might start such a procedure by shouting “Where’s the beef!” at the tribunal panel and then throwing the cow images into their stunned faces. Would this be a good move? Only time would tell.

That night Gavin had a dream where he was trying to mow a lawn but the lawn was actually the face of a giant cow. The cow had insisted he mow the lawn but then kept shouting demoralising slogans such as “Hurry up pegleg” and “Milk off!” The cow’s name was Luke Sinclair.

to be continued...

Gang War 2: Uncle War,

I have been playing Child of Eden

Q. Have you ever been on a Scottish chocolate making course while suffering from a really bad case of flu?

A. No you haven’t – but I have, and it was no joke. Apart from when my weakened state caused me to drop the spirally chocolate manoeuvring implement into the bowl of chocolate. That was hilarious because it was the kind of thing that the Chucklevisions might have done if Mr No Slacking (Real name Norbert Slacking) had hired them to work in his chocolate factory.

Chucklevision 1: “Oh dear brother Barry I have given all my rare candies to Slaking.”

Chucklevision 2: “You did a wrong brother Paul, no EV training for you.”

Chucklevision 1: “Oh dear oh dear. This is not a fitting tribute to Mr No Slacking who I had nicknamed my Slaking after in the hopes of winning his favour.”

Mr No Slacking: “Grrr this Slaking attacks only every other turn AND his strength stat has not been raised to the maximum possible.”

And then he got hit in the face with a custard pie.

The moral of the story is that the chef running the chocolate course was called Eden so if he had children they would be “Child of Eden”. Or at least they would be if he hadn’t changed his name by deed poll to Tim and Punishment. Actually the moral of the story is that Chef Eden said that the Draft Board’s chocolates were the best even though mine were bigger and had more personality. If this is the kind of decision Scottish people are making do we really want them making their own laws? I suppose it depends on whether or not they get sovereignty over an international chocolate competition.

Anyway Child of Eden is a bit like Rez only less difficult and without “notorious” attachments. It also features film footage of an actual woman which makes it seem like a Mega CD game. It’s no Night Trap though as the game is only 45 minutes long and most of that is quite boring. There is certainly nothing as good as when the man says “Fear …is the mind killer” in REZ.

Child of Eden features Kinect compatibility but I didn’t try that because I am not a middle class family with demanding children.

Overall I give this a Lumi out of Lumines. (With points deducted for this being the third game I own where the Heavenly Star video is a bonus feature and for reminding me of ill-fated chocolate.)

Festive Film Festacular

“Tammers Christmas Carol”

Popular sports personality Keith “Tammers” Tamworth stars in this all new version of the Dickens classic as Ebeneezer Tammers, a man who has serious doubts about Christmas. This all changes when he is visited by the three ghosts of his dead children (the reason he hates Christmas is because his children are dead.) Eventually he learns the true meaning of Christmas – throwing foreign coins at beggars.

The best bit is when Tammers says “Anyone who goes around with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips should be gone at Tammer and Hongs with his own turkey.” And there is a cameo appearance by Tammer’s former team mate Albert LeFrisco as Bob LeCratchet the Mexican pauper. “Eh gringo mia bambino ist mucho crippolo!” It does sag a little in the middle when Tammers goes on a long rant about the virtues of the modern decathlon but fans of Tammers are sure to eat this up, especially the points he makes about the use of steam punk style jumping shoes in the long jump.

Overall this is an excellent family film although the constant Mexican references might not be suitable for young children. (If they are scared of Mexicans) I give it a  “Come in an Tammers me better man” out of five.

“Dead Santa Replace Zwei: Icy Issues”

This follows the events of “Dead Santa Replace” in which everyday family man Salvatore Cosgrove (Nicholas Cage) must take the place of Santa after accidentally shooting him in the face. Thankfully no one really seems to care about the fact that Santa is dead and Salvatore is able to deliver toys to all the children of the world. (Who have wealthy parents and therefore deserve presents the most)

In this sequel Salvatore finds that being the new Santa isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be as he faces competition from Jack Frost (Christopher Walken). This goes from a few disputes over icy roofs to all out warfare when Salvatore’s brother goes to the land of Jack Frost and smashes up lots of ice men with a hammer. As usual modern technology saves the day and Salvatore eventually prevails by getting his elves to build a proton cannon but there is certainly a lot of tension in the meantime. (Especially as the ice men are working on a bosun cannon but do not complete it because a lot of the polar bear scientists defect to the North Pole after a pay dispute.)

This film is probably worth watching just to see the bit where jack Frost says “I invented coldness!” but it doesn’t have the same level of graphics as the original ‘Dead Santa Replace’. Therefore I give it a “Elf” out of “Zwolf”

‘It’s a Wonderful Life 2: For whom the bell tolls’

After convincing James Stewart that he has had a “Wonderful” life Clarence has one more task to perform before he gains his wings – convince the money grasping Mr Potter to commit suicide. What follows is a heart-warming tale of one man’s decision to improve the world by removing himself from it.

Mr Potter: “You mean without me Hugh Jackman would have bought a house in this town.”

Clarence: “Yes and he wouldn’t mind answering questions about the making of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. You see Mr potter it would be better if you had never been born., you really have led an awful life.”

I give it a car and hose out of 7.

Home Alone Rises

10 Years after the Wet bandits murdered his parents in front of him Kevin McAllister returns from years of training to take up the mantle of “The Loner” a mysterious vigilante who lures criminals to his house and then kills them by dropping irons on them.  Highlights include the scene where John Candy invents a special kind of iron which can drop onto everyone’s face at once and the twist ending where the Shovel Man turns out to have been Liam Neeson.

Shovel Man: “You came into my shop and stole a toothbrush…now I’m returning the favour!”

The only issue I have with the film is how Kevin is supposed to have been raised by his Uncle Frank (Michael Caine) but all he does is call him a “Little Jerk” and encourage his cousins to refer to Kevin as les incompetent. Perhaps he would not feel the need to crush thieves in vice rooms if he had been encourages more as a child. On the subject of vice rooms, I won’t spoil it for you but some of the traps really are very ingenious – standouts include the Alligator Conundrum, the Micro Machine filled acid vat and the return of Gold Saint Lord Cochrane.

Overall I give this a Gary Oldman out of  Gary Newman.

A word from the World Violence Federation

The World Violence Federation (WVF) is the premier name in semi-realistic sporting adventure. Where else can you find all the biggest names in modern wrestling, certainly not in the FFO (Fabulous Fighting Organisation)!  WVF also innovates with new types of match including the Passive Aggression Session and the Eight Man Hoe-down. If you aren’t familiar with the stars of WVF then prepare to become familiar with them by reading this vital information.

 

Name: Tremendous Barnfather

Special Attack: The Barnfather blast

Favourite match type: Needle under canvas match

Tremendous Barnfather is known for his tremendous girth as well as his tremendous abilities in the ring. His main technique is to crunch opponents beneath his mighty belly and then list all the things he had eaten that day. Even though he is getting on in years Barnfather remains a fan favourite thanks to his amazing showmanship and steadfast refusal to be anything less than morbidly obese.

Quote: “Prepare to be tarred and Barnfathered!”

 

Name: Kirk Manchuria

Special Attack: The Luton hypotenuse

Favourite match type: Sage in the Cage Match

Kirk Manchuria is a simple everyman who has raised himself to the pinnacle of professional faux athleticism through sheer determination and steroid consumption. He is one of the most famous faces in wrestling and has even made the leap into proper acting with films like “Don’t kill baby!” and “Homeboy gets the apples.” Despite all this he never forgets his roots and has spent several million dollars trying to get his hometown replaced with a dinosaur museum. As Kirk himself says “The biggest threat I face is getting a custom elbow to the groin but if those dinosaurs come back from under the sea then we’re all at threat. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge of the enemy and anti-dinosaur surface to air missiles.”

Quote: “I’m getting Kirk Manchurious with you!”

 

Name: Bernard Charleston 

Special Attack: The Charleston cross

Favourite match type: The four square – square off.

Bernard Charleston is a millionaire aristocrat from New Jersey who wrestles for the sheer pleasure of punching paupers in the nose. He is well renowned as a bad sport who cheats by having his butler pass him steel chairs while the referee has his back turned. Even worse he constantly feels the need to correct the grammar of the audience.  Despite all his money Bernard is often beaten by more popular/less solvent opponents which just goes to show that money can buy you immunity to the law but it can’t buy you immunity to pile drivers.

Quote: “Unless someone beats me a wrestling I’m going to buy an orphanage and then put it on top of a rocket headed straight for the sun.”

 

Name: Amazing Boy Terrence St’Claire

Special Attack: Reticulated elbow drop

Favourite match type: ROPE ZONE

For Terrence St’Claire it’s all about the ol’ razzle dazzle. Not only does he talk up a storm using phrases such as “Mind Boglins” he also dresses the part. It’s not many men that can get away with wearing a sequinned cowboy hat or a coat made of peacocks but Terrence carries it off with aplomb.

As Terrence himself says “When you’ve got a fist the size of a Christian Ham you can wear whatever the Mind Boglins you want.”

Quote: “What are your options when Terrencemania is keeping an eye out for you?”

 

Name:  Jean Pierre “The Parfait” Depardieu

Special Attack: The Eiffel shower

Favourite match type: Canvasser match

Jean Pierre is your typical Frenchman who thinks nothing of sporting a beret in the ring he has even been known to gulp down slices of brie between rounds. To emphasise his Frenchness he always enters the ring on a bicycle accompanied by Oxygene. His dark secret is that he is actually the son of a Texan oil baron who decided to convert to being French after eating a delicious baguette in Café Rouge. Its lucky he didn’t go for the buffet king because this paragraph would have been far more racist.

Quote: “Je teme, du la pomp. Le Jean Reno la fillet du beouf!”

 

Name: Bill Curious

Special Attack: The Bill Curious hook

Favourite match type: Floating outrage match

Bill Curious is most famous for concealing his features underneath a mask and never revealing his true identity. Rumours abound that he is actually the long lost brother of Kirk Manchuria who was reported to have died in a sawing accident, other rumours abound that he is a man named William Curious with an unbearable face. Bill Curious sometimes takes part in tag team matches with his equally mysterious friend Alan Abanazer.

Quote: “Bill Curiousity killed the cat!”

 

Name: Magic Larry

Special Attack: The magic circle jerk

Favourite match type: Immigrant survival match.

Magic Larry is a kind of wizard who claims that he receives wrestling advice from the “other world.”  He has even been known to stop mid-match to invoke the help of dead Yorkshire men such as Seth Armstrong and Dickie Bird. Despite all his spiritual advantages Magic Larry has never won a match as he doesn’t have enough raw strength to press his advantage. Perhaps if he spent more time pumping iron and less time pumping books (for magical information) he would finally get a trophy. Despite this Magic Larry remains popular because he gives audience members messages from dead relatives during the fight.

Quote: “I have a message from your dead wife. She says she is happy now, but you need to have a talk at some point about why you pushed her down the stairs.”

 

Name: Cracker Jack

Special Attack: The Crack-hammer

Favourite match type: Alligator Classic

Cracker Jack is known as “The most mentally ill man in sports” and for good reason as he has been diagnosed by actual psychologists with at least twelve mental complaints ranging from manic-depression to sexual addiction.  This makes him an unpredictable character in the ring. His opponents never know if he is going to fight them or sleep with them and to be honest neither does he. Cracker Jack once had treatment for his ailments but his new character, “Sanity Jack”, proved so unpopular that wrestle bosses decided to hide all his medication.

Quote: “Groooooooooooooooooooo”

 

Name: Ian “Big Boss” Nevins

Special Attack: Disciplinary action

Favourite match type: Team building exercise match

Ian Nevins is the actual boss of the WVF. He spends most of his time managing the finances and arranging lucrative sponsorship deals but when the employees get rowdy he isn’t afraid to step into the ring and hand out P45’s made from pure pain. Ian has never lost a match but he did once suffer several broken ribs after Michael Jarrocks threw him off a balcony by way of resignation.

Quote: “I’m going to organise a business meeting between your face and my foot. The minutes will be taken by severe injuries.”

 

Name: Artex the Living Cockerel

Special Attack: Trine

Favourite match type: Surprise carnival match

Artex is a Voodoo king from New Orleans who calls on the strength of ten thousand cockerels during fights. Opponents often underestimate his abilities thinking that a Chicken is nothing compared to the power of human fists, they have clearly never seen a cock fight as Artex goes at them with all the fury of a fighting bird in its prime. Even without his poultry augmented strength Artex would be a force to be reckoned with given his propensity to wave his voodoo shaker unnervingly in the faces of opponents. 

Quote: “Don’t Cockerel out on me boy!”

 

Name: Ever Lovin’ Gareth Maguire

Special Attack: Horizontal body splash

Favourite match type: Mixed Doubles

Self styled ladies man Gareth Maguire things nothing of stopping a fight to pay compliments an attractive lady in the audience. Naturally they are repulsed as it is common knowledge that Gareth is not only married, but frequently punches his wife in the face in an attempt to make her more beautiful. This may not be politically correct but it is definitely the correct way for him to build up his muscles – as the saying goes “Punch wife in face = strength of mace”

Quote: “It’s your fault for making me angry!”

 

 

Name: “Wooden Beam” Archie Sykes

Special Attack: The Beam-face bonanza

Favourite match type: Timber mill fiasco

Archie Sykes always struggled to stand out from the crowd until the fateful day when he discovered a large wooden beam had separated itself from the rafters of his house. Rather than arrange for repairs with a reputable tradesmen Archie took up the beam as his visual trademark and left his structurally unsound abode to the whims of gravity. Technically splitting a man’s skull with a large piece of timber isn’t a wrestling move but whenever anyone brings this up they find themselves in the hospital with mysterious wood related injuries.

Quote: “Wood pun!”

 

Name: Major Assault

Special Attack: The Defcon dropshot

Favourite match type: Counterinsurgency classic

Major Assault is a Sergeant Major from the actual Army who uses the notoriety of professional violence to encourage children into joining the armed forces. The Major uses all the skills of a state sponsored killing machine to take down his opponents from advanced CQC techniques to ordering napalm strikes on his opponents. It is a little known fact that his name is actually Ralph Jones and he is named Major Assualt due to his love of Gundam Battle Assault.

Quote: “If only we had Hi-goggs in Nam, Charlie would be laughing on the other side of his face.”

Bobbins Review - Tinker, Tailor, Soldier and Spy

This film follows a spy called George Smiley who is called out of retirement for one last mission. His arch enemy George Frowny has taken over Shadow Moses Island and is threatening to start a nuclear war unless his demand is met. Hand over the body of John Hurt in twelve hours!

George Smiley doesn’t just have to deal with evil communists though, he also has to deal with the evil’s of his own personal life such as the fact that his wife is a w**re and also that his wife isn’t really his wife at all but a computer program designed by the patriots to control the flow of information. He had his suspicions about this before they were married but she assured him it was just cold feet, fission mailed. If you can’t trust your own wife who can you trust? Certainly not Macdonald Miller as it’s actually George Frowny in disguise (spoilers) in fact Geroge Smiley cannot really trust anyone because they are all keeping secrets from him. (Although they do eventually tell him the secrets in lengthy cut scenes, perhaps if they had told him straight away he might have got through the film a bit quicker.)

A lot of this film is just people in rooms saying things like “Who is the spy?” and “I am not the spy.” Come to think of it I could have probably solved who was the spy much quicker as proved below.

Bobbins is in a room with all the men.

Bobbins: (to man 1): Are you the spy!?

Man 1: No

Bobbins: (to man 2): Are you the spy!?

Man 2: No

Bobbins: (to man 3): Are you the spy!?

Man 3: Yes!

Bobbins: Ah ha!

Man 3: Kuwabara Kuwabara Kuwabara

Thankfully the whole film is saved by the bee bullet scene, I wont spoil it for you but suffice to say it involves a lot of bee bullets.

All in all I award this film a Decoy Octopus out of a Benedict Cumberbatch.

Bobbins Review - Land of Going Up Monkeys

Q. When is an ape ape?
A. When it is agape!

When I saw the trailer for “Rise of the planet of the apes.” I was literally “going ape” myself because it looked to be “monkeying around” with my expectations i.e. the expectations that it would not be a good film. More importantly I was not looking forward to all the “chimp” journalists making terrible monkey pun(cher)s in their reviews. Those journalists need to orang-utan and smell the coffee because the news is that those apes are running wild – ape (hog) wild!

Perhaps people would have better impressions of this film if they hadn’t given it such a cumbersome title feature dual “of the”s why didn’t they just go the whole chimp (hog) and call it “The official movie of the novelisation the film of the rise of the planet of the apes.” Or even just “Rise of the apes” or “Star Wars: Rise of the apes” as they have already stolen the font! Lucas fonts aren’t the only things that have been thieved by those unscrupulous simians. So far as I can tell they have also stole the plot of Playstation classic Ape Escape, whereby a super evil monkey is given intelligence by a scientist and proceeds to spread his intelligence to other monkeys who then travel back in time causing havoc. Of course there are subtle differences such as the monkey being made intelligent by genetic engineering instead of a hat with a siren on it, the fact that the monkeys cause havoc in America rather than back in time and the fact that instead of a scientist it is Harry Osborne out of Spiderman.  Or at least he say’s he’s Harry Osborne but without his liney hair style I don’t know what to think. Maybe he would be able to prove he was Harry Osborne by having a scene in the film where a snooty usher won’t let him into the hair salon to have lines drawn onto his head. Also instead of inventing pumpkin bombs he can just do them out of his wrists.

The point is that this monkey film features a lot of good acting from John Lithgow who plays the same man out of Bigfoot and the Henderson’s only instead of being perplexed by a Bigfoot he is perplexed by an ape. Also Andy Circus plays every monkey in the film which continues his long career of playing monkey’s in films. What I find suspicious is why that man is so good at pretending to be a monkey and also why they didn’t just get in a real monkey.

Thinking about it they probably didn’t get a real monkey because the film might give monkey ideas about rising up and having an ape related revolution, this still makes me suspicious of Andy Circuits though because he is so good at pretending to be a monkey he might actually just be a monkey wearing a mans face. The man’s face might be an actual face that the monkey ripped off in a fit of rage or it might be a rubber mask. You may be thinking that a rubber mask would be the less horrifying of those options BUT YOU ARE WRONG because it means that apes have already learned how to make rubber masks. How else would an ape have got hold of a mask? By stealing it from a joke shop? But why would a joke shop have a mask of a man’s face that could fit an ape!!??? What I’m trying to say is that the man that plays the monkey is actually a monkey pretending to be a man playing a monkey so that he can get  ideas about ape-uprising and steal film techniques so that the apes can make convincing anti-human propaganda films.

Overall I am going to give this film a Monkey Hero out of Monkey Magic but I would probably be willing to go up to a Super Monkey Ball if I was 100% sure that the lead actor wasn’t a super intelligent primate plotting to overthrow the world. Let me also say that if any sinister simians are reading this then they should be aware that I have completed all three ape escape games and I will stun club you back to the stone age if you try any of that “Chimpy Business” on my turf.