The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Tockenheim phones it in
All around the village of Bankroft people are settling down to watch the new series of ‘Gettysburg LIVE!’ the popular chat show hosted by Daniel Craig’s shadow. However things are about to go from ‘Quantum of Solace’ to ‘Restroom of Horace’…
Well proportioned master of the hunt and part time model Gebi Hockhauser is enjoying the ‘Gettysburg LIVE!’ in the comforts of her own arm chair but she is rudely disturbed by the telephone machine.
Telephone machine: ALERT INCOMING COMMUNICATIONS – ALERT INCOMING COMMUNICATIONS
Gebi: Excelsior! Who is this on my telephone machine?
Telephone machine: Grumble grumble
Gebi: Im sorry caller I cannot make out what you are saying, please speak louder or at least move the receiving handset nearer to your mouth.
Telephone machine: MENS WILLIES!
Gebi: ACK!
She immediately falls into a coma due to the harshness of the language. Meanwhile across the village important businessman Remmingtom III is also enjoying ‘Gettysburg LIVE! ‘ that is until he receives a most unsavoury message on his fax machine.
Remmington III: A fax at this hour! It must be from one of my important Japanese business clients such as Mr Yashimoto, when will those crazy foreigners learn to tell the time properly?
He dons spectacles and begins to read the fax
Remmington III: What’s this? A note saying “BUMS!” GRAAAAAA….
He slumps over clutching at his chest
Remmington III: This……..abuse of…..fax technology……….is….to muc….graaaaa
These are not isolated incidents, all over the village people are receiving messages of a most unpleasant nature…
In the home of dedicated housewife and opinionated bitch Mother Grandle
Mother Grandle: An email saying ‘KNICKERS!’ who would utilise the computron in this way? This is an absolute OUTRAGE and I feel that as a result all technology should be thrown on a fire.
At mayor hours, the house of the mayor.
Aide Screwball: Sir an important telegram has been received!
Mayor Gears: What’s this? DEAR MAYOR STOP BOOBIES STOP!
Aide Scramble: My word!
Mayor Gears: What is the meaning of this!? Summon inspector Tockenheim at once!
Aide Scramble: Right Mr Mayor, I’ll go get the yellow materia.
However before he can leave a familiar voice emanates from the television.
Tockenheim: No need for that Mr Mayor, you see I have already solved this crime and I am here at Gettysburg live to bring the perpetrator to justice. Nobody tweets Tockenheim the word “Testes” and lives to tell the tale or if they do live to tell the tale they will face a severe fine!
Cogsworthy: ‘ere guvna oo’s be sending out all this rambunctious messaging then?
Tockenheim: A simple question from a simple man! The answer is obvious! It was the shows producer Gazmodiar he was trying to distract everyone from the best bit of the program where Daniel Craig’s shadow threw an emu off a bus.
Cogsworthy: But why wood ee do that guvna, don’t ee want the programme to be a success?
Tockenehim: You might think that but I already knew that Gazmodiar was taking backhanders from the mafia to sabotage the programme. Gettysburgh LIVE! Is notoriously critical of organised crime, remember last year when Daniel Craig’s shadow said “Organised Crime? More like Forgone with lime!”
Cogsworthy: But guvna that explains why the mafia hates Gettysburgh LIVE! But not why they didn’t just kill the presenter or why Gazmodiar was taking backhanders!
Tockenheim: Shut up Cogsworthy. Clearly the mafia cannot kill Daniel Craig’s shadow because bullets just go through it and if they throw him in a lake he just appears on top of the lake also Gazmodiar had to take those backhanders because he had severe gambling debts. You see Gazmodiar was addicted to betting on the outcome of feature films, unfortunately he was very bad at it. Just look at these betting slips £500 on the toys to die in a big fire at the end of Toy Story 3, £700 on Tony Stark to kill a china man at the end of Iron Man 2 and £1000 on everyone turning into dogs when they get shot in the expendables.
Gazmodiar appears in the rafters
Gazmodiar: Very good Tockenheim but you can’t tell me that getting turned into a dog isn’t a fate worse than death! They can’t even put the clocks back in Spring!
Tockenheim: It’s Spring Forward FALL BACK!
Gazmodiar: But you can also say spring back, fall forward so that saying makes no sense! Also we don’t even say fall we say autumn.
His mad rambling causes him to fall from the rafters and die.
Tockenheim: I think its time for a commercial BREAK!
Everyone: Hahahahhahahahaha
FIN
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