Episode 1 – First Re-booze-al
Int – Local pub ‘The Pearl and Dean’ Gaz and Big Bazzer are sat at a table drinking BEER and eating CRISPS. Kenty the barmaid is behind the bar arranging the LARGER.
Big Bazzer: Eye up Kenty, ows about me and you go out for a pizza on sat’day night…pizza the action that is!
Kenty: I know somewhere you could go on Saturday, its called on yer bike!
Big Bazzer: Women eh! If I had a pund for every time that appened…
Gaz: You’d have 3.53!
Suddenly Daz bursts in, with his typical ‘Dazhnu Walk’.
Daz: Alright lads it’s been a right Pete Tong of a day and no mistakes! I need to get some alcohol in my system top smart.
To Kenty Get us a pint o’ milk love.
Gazzer + Bazzer: Whaaaa?
Daz: BEER MILK that is! Gotcha again didn’t I lads? Honestly you two are so thick we could pour you on as gravy!
Kenty: That’ll be seven bob please.
Daz: Bleedin ell, it’s a bigger rip off than Ronnie Biggs!
He puts down a tenner pund note, takes his BEER and goes to sit with Gaz and Big Bazzer. Big Bazzer is reading the TABLOID NEWSPAPER.
Big Bazzer: Look at this its disgustin’ all these immigants comin in the country and they cant even speak the languages!
Daz: Sometimes I don’t even thing you can speak the language mate!
Big Bazzer: Yeah but you don’t see me getting any benefits…
Daz: You seem to get the ‘benefit of the doubt’ quite a lot mate!
Big Bazzer: HOOO
Gaz: So watcha been doin’ all day anyway Daz?
Daz: Somefink you know nothing about!
Big Bazzer: That could be anything where Gaz is concerened!
Gaz: Shut yer peephole chalky! So come on Daz, whats the mysterious activity you have been partaking in?
Big Bazzer: Was it intercourse with a lady?
Gaz : More like with a man!
Daz: Are you suggesting I’m a homosexual?
Gaz: No but if you hum it I’ll pick it up!
Daz: Alright Lewis Duck, calm down. It just so appens I was doing A HARD DAYS WORK!
Big Bazzer: First time for everything!
Gaz: That’s what your lass said the other day!
Big Bazzer: HOOOO
Daz: Will you two wallies stop carrying on and let me get a word in edgewise! Look Old Man Fentiman is having a clear up and he needs people to move the stuff, the best part is you get to keep whatever you want.
Gaz: That old coot hasn’t got anything worth taking, its all novelty table lamps and Geiger counters.
Daz: That’s what I thought but Simian Jones let me in on a secret that during the war Old Man Fentiman found some Stalin gold and buried it in Kent. Only thing is he’s forgotten all about it but if some helpful person was to find the map…
Gaz: ….they wouldn’t be ‘stalin’ in going to the bank – with the gold that is!
Big Bazzer: Can you even keep gold in the bank?
Daz: Course they do, why do you think they call it the royal mint? Its not because her highness enjoys the odd after eight! You prize stencil!
Gaz: So ow comes Simian Jones doesn’t want to get to grips with this communist treasure trove? He’s not exactly charitable Peter.
Daz: Lets just say he’s rocking all over the world – in prison that is.
Gaz: I thought he got out last month.
Daz: He did, but the lollygagger only went and murdered his wife! I said to him “I’ve heard of trouble and wife but this is more like trouble and life (imprisonment)”
Gaz: In that case let’s get down there before someone else finds that map.
They get up to leave.
Big Bazzer: Aw wait a minute lads, I haven’t finished me pint.
Gaz: You’ve had enough pints to last you a lifetime mate, come on!
They pull Big Bazzer out of his chair and leave the pub. Kenty shakes her head in disparagement.
Meanwhile in Kelseys flat, Kelsey and Savon are discussing MEN.
Kelsey: My Daz is a right prime Leroy. Last night he tripped over and hit his head on a nail!
Savon: My Bazzer only managed to tangle himself in the phone cable, talk about automatic redial.
Kelsey: What a right royal pair of bakewells. Why are men so rubbish?
Savon: I think its to do with their equipment….penis equipment that is!
Kelsey: I think my Daz needs to take his equipment back to the shop!
Savon: I think Bazzer has lost his receipt…
Kelsey: If it was up to men their probably wouldn’t be any receipts.
Savon: And then they’d probably expect the women to take everything back to the shop.
Kelsey: So what’s new!
Daz and Gaz enter, Big Bazzer is not far behind.
Gaz: Alright love, just come to borrow your shovel.
Kelsey: What you want my shovel for? Last time I lent you a shovel it ended up being eaten by a wolf, quite literally.
Gaz: Oh come on darling you know that wolf ad a thing for digging equipment. Me and the boys just wanna do some pigeon racing. We need the shovel for the trenches.
Kelsey: Pigeon racin’, since when are you interested in pigeon racing?
Gaz: Since the grand pigeon tournament prize is a weekend away in Keswick!
Kelsey: Fine take my shovel, but I’m warning you Gaziel Bringstock. If I find out that my shovel has been consumed you’ll be sleeping on the sofa from here till doomsday!
Gaz: At least then I won’t have to put up with your snoring!
She throws the shovel at him.
Kelsey: I don’t snore I just…do hippo impressions in my sleep.
Gaz: It looks like you’re doing one now love!
He runs off
Kelsey: Get knotted! She turns to Savon MEN!
Savon shakes her head.
Ext The highstreet Gaz and Baz are walking up it and Big Bazzer follows behind eating a pastry product.
Daz: Right lads, all we gotta do is find that map and then its goodbye high street hello money street!
Gaz: I hear that street is paved with gold.
Big Bazzer: We’ll be lucky if it’s paved with bronze fingers!
Daz: That’s not what I heard!
Big Bazzer: HOOOO
They arrive at Old Man Fentiman’s curiosity shop/gold mine.
Fentiman: Have you errr … tried my chance cube?
Gaz: Bleedin ‘ell aint you ever ‘erd of the minimum wage?
Big Bazzer: Minimum glaive is more like it.
Gaz: He certainly seems to be slicing up the wages!
Fentiman: Hi Chuba di nanga?
Daz: Don’t worry Mr Fentiman I’ll get these two reprobates in line whispering quiet you two or we’ll never get our hands on that gold.
Fentiman: Republic credits are no good here!
Daz: That’s right Mr Fentiman we’ll get right to work. Whispers Bleedin’ ell hes even managed to sink a gravy boat an all!
They go through to Fentiman’s yard it is full of old trinkets and rubbish. i.e. Art Deco Mirror
Big Bazzer: Ecky thump Daz, ow are we supposed to find the map in all this rubbish?
Daz: By working together lads! If we all pull together we’ll get it done in no time.
Gaz: Well said Daz. So what’s the plan?
Daz: You go help Bazzer with that moose head and I’ll go av’ a tea break!
Big Bazzer: HOOO
Some time later, everyone is looking rather tired and most of the rubbish has gone from Fentimans yard.
Gaz: We must be nearly at that map now, this is the last bit of rubbish. If it’s not under here I don’t know where it is!
Big Bazzer: Maybe it’s in Daz’s big mouth that he uses to tell lies with!
Daz: Now come on lads, we just have to keep going. You know what they say “No toil means no foil.”
Simian Jones enters the yard.
Jones: Alright lads, got everything tidied up in my new yard I see!
Daz: What do you mean your yard?
Jones: Didn’t you know Dazmond? I bought this yard from old fentiman last week. Got it for a lyric as well, I knew it’d be a nice little earner…once it was tidy. Fangs for the memories boys!
Daz: Naff of Jones!
Gaz: But we thought you was in prison?
Jones: I know you did hahahah thought I murdered the missus! She’s on ‘olliday you bunch on griffins. Two weeks at the costa del mare, Majorca no expense spared.
Gaz: Come on lads I need a pint of BEER.
Jones: Thanks again boys ehhehehehe
They turn to leave
Big Bazzer: Wait up lads, what about the treasure map?
Gaz: Bazzer you norridge, their aint’ no gold. We’ve been sewn up good an pepper. All that work for nothing.
Daz: Never mind that lads. We’ve got bigger problems to attend to, like how Kelsey is coming this way with a leaflet for the Keswick pencil museum.
Gaz: It’s worse than you think…look
He reveals the shovel has bite marks in it.
Gaz/Big Bazzer/Daz: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fin
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