Q. How come in pantomimes there is always an extraneous character called ‘buttons’ who is wearing many ‘buttons’ on his clothes? I find it very disturbing as he is often leering over the main princess saying “There there cinders why not come here for a cuddle?”
A. Because buttons is like the man from Quantum Leap except instead of going through time he goes to different fairy stories. (He teleports by pressing the buttons on his coat.) Also instead of helping people he just sings the theme tune from Neighbours while a ghost is killing people.
Buttons: “Oh noes I didn’t seeing the ghost AND Brother Barry has gone missing”
Brother Paul: “You owes me five punds!”
Buttons: “He’s a fine Jew!”
Q. How comes at the circus they aren’t allowed to fight Lions anymore?
A. Because there is no such thing as Lions.
Q. How come once I went to see a pantomime which had Super Mario in it but they never mentioned it in the 25th Anniversary Super Mario advert?
A. That is because no famous people have ever played a computer game and they had to tell them what to say i.e. “It’s well good when Mario finds the Master Sword” or “My best bit of Mario is how he says ‘Lots to do for Mario!’” Also the Mario featured in that pantomime was probably not official sanctioned by Nintendo as he shoved several children quite roughly.
At least he didn’t jump on their heads!
(He did.)
Q. Why did Uncle Pete put a note in my lunchbox saying “I have told the people at the pantomime it is your birthday and they will get you up on stage” so that I had to spend all of the pantomime in fear?
A. Because Uncle Pete never wanted children and he resents you!
Q. How come pantomime is called a good part of British culture even though nobody likes it?
A. Because British people are stupid!
Q. How come the Pantomime of Aladdin is racist against Chinese people but the film Aladdin is not racist against Arabian people even though Disney himself was a terrible racist?
A. Because of political correctness gone mad and also because Walt Disney had built a large underwater city which he was living in at the time. (He had forgot Arabs were real)
Q. How comes that puppet shows are always performs by professors, doctors and other esteemed members of society?
A. Because glove puppets are actually very difficult to operate on account of working three fingers independently is actually impossible. Also think about this, one time I saw a puppet show where only one man was in the puppet box but there were THREE puppets moving at the same time. How was this achieved? (The three puppets were Mr Punch, the Crocodile and Ronan the Accuser.) One time Jonas Bruner got a puppet show for his birthday but all the puppets had strange plastic faces so we were unwilling to investigate further.
Q. When is a Viking not a Viking?
A. When he’s a Viscount!
Q. How come the pantomime I went to see about Huckleberry Hound wasn’t advertised as “Yogi Bear” even though it featured copious amounts of Yogi Bear and Yogi Bear is arguably the more famous of the Hannah Barbara properties.
A. I have no answer to this; perhaps the marketing people behind the pantomime were fools. Ironically most of the merchandise available was Yogi Bear related so actual fans of Huckleberry Hound would have been disappointed.
Q. When I went to see Rainbow live there was a bit where Zippy was singing ‘Any dream will do’ but instead of the proper words he said “I close my eyes…..and I fall over!” Many years later I sung this to my wife and she thought it was the funniest thing I had ever said. I wonder what is wrong with my wife as I have said much wittier things i.e.
“You could say he was sizing her up!” Personally I think my marriage cannot last much longer if this is how she is going to act.
A. Maybe you should try remembering some other things that happened at pantomimes and see how she reacts. For example you could recount the time you went to see Sooty and they said “Nightie Night…Pyjama Pyjama” or when he had a hammer and said “Hit the nail in when I nod my head” and then Sooty hit him in the face with the hammer.
Q. I went to see a play called Dragon Island and it featured many interesting dragon puppets and a man with long blonde hair. However it had little to do with the mighty max playset of the same name. Shouldn’t the copyright laws in this country be better enforced?
A. Even if the trading standards people had the resources to crack down on plays named after Mighty Max play sets people would just download them off the internet instead. Personally I recommend ‘Magus’ again it has nothing to do with the lava monster playset but does feature a brilliant comic turn from Ohmid Djalili.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment