Do I keep having to explain these things?

I enjoy a ‘joke’ as much as the next man. Just the other day I quoted the following to the draft board

Q. Why did the man go into town?
A. Because he was ‘on the loose’.

However there are times when jokes can go too far. Times like last Christmas when we ended up having ‘Rage Against the Machine’ as number one. I’m sure it was very amusing to get one over on ‘the man’ and nobody likes Simon Cowell but did we really need to encourage that particular band? The irony of the situation is that the song went to number oen by itunes downloads which could only be played on the very ‘machines’ the band were trying to rage against. The moral of the story is 1. The British public are idiots even when they try to do something clever. 2. Instead of an awful X-Factor single as number one we had to have an awful none X-factor single as number one AND the kind of people that read Kerrang! (The voice of rock) were allowed to go around feeling all superior. I once read a copy of Kerrang! and it is EXACTLY like Smash Hits except the men on the posters are wearing eyeliner and the comic makes no sense.

Pandora: “I’m going to the rock concert”
Pandora’s friend: “Radical!”
Pandora: “SIGH!”      


With this in mind I was extremely displeased to see that a Facebook campaign has been started to get ‘Surfin Bird’ to number one this year. Because that would be WELL RANDOM and MEGA LOLZ because it was on an episode of Family Guy ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO. Do we really want the rest of the world to think we are that far behind the thrust of popular culture? Why don’t we all just dress up as The Mask and announce “Smooookkkkiiiiinnnn” in unison and that can be Christmas number one. If this is how the rest of the country wants to behave then that’s FINE but we will lose the right to act all aloof at Eurovision and then the fact that we always lose really badly will become a NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT. We’ll probably end up having to start some more wars just to look better than whatever bit of Eastern Europe Resident Evil 4 was set in.

Here are some facts

1. Getting something else to Christmas number one won’t ‘Wipe the smile of his face’ as the campaign won’t sway people who were already going to buy that single. It just means more people have bought a different single on itunes which is probably owned by some subsidiary of Simon Cowell’s music factory anyway. (Simon Cowell personally owns the rights to all music.) Essentially he is still going to make a big pile of gold coins and get lots of free publicity.

2. That episode of Family Guy isn’t really that funny and on repeated viewings becomes downright irritating. The best bit of family guy is the two vaudeville men who say “You know what’s dead Vaudeville and TV’s the box they buried it in…” and then the other one plays the piano. Unfortunately they ruined that joke by killing them off and then making one of them a paedophile. The other good joke is when Peter gets hit by a piano and then he walks all funny like a concertina but that just made me want to watch a roadrunner cartoon.

3. I watched a Roadrunner cartoon where Wylie Coyote was trying to shoot a bow and arrow at Roadrunner but it went wrong because Coyotes don’t have fingers and there was a bit of rock at the edge of a cliff that snapped off and I said “I bet that bit of rock hits him on the head”….and it did!

4. The best thing to do would actually be to buy lots of copies of the single and then murder someone because the Daily Mails would say the single was evil and should be banned.


However if you will insist on having a ‘chart battle’ then someone needs to make a song about how Cheryl Cole is actually quite plain looking and also that she once assaulted someone in a toilet because she is a racist. Also it should feature this joke “No one escapes from Cheryl Tweedy’s farm” Maybe the song would go like this…


Here comes the story of the Hurricane
The Woman the authorities came to blame
For something that she definitely done
But she got off with it, because she was voted
The sexiest woman in the woooooorrrrllllddd.