After three days of anarchy the Prime Minister has finally decided to make some tough decisions. He today revealed that prototype cyborg policemen from the future would be sent out to deal with troublemakers in a brutally efficient manner.
We were lucky enough to be able to interview police spokesman Inspector Tockenheim about these developments.
Us: So how do these cyborg policemen differ from your regular bobby on the beat?
Tockenheim: Unlike a normal policeman a Cyborg policeman has a metal body giving him enhanced strength, speed and reflexes. And yes I mean Policeman not “policeperson” unfortunately Policewomen are unable to undergo the transformation into emotionless crime control robots because as we all know women are allergic to modern technology. It’s all right though; there are still plenty of jobs back at the office – making the robot tea!
Us: So they still drink tea then?
Tockneheim: Robot tea isn’t actually tea, its oil in a mug but we have being asked to refer to it as robot tea so that the cyborg policemen do not lose all semblance of humanity and go berserk.
Us: So how are these cyborg policemen going to stand up to rioters?
Tockenehim: The cyborg Policeman also have several new tricks to deploy against “Johnny Riots.” These include a baton made of lasers, impenetrable adamantium riot shields, sentient hand cuffs inhabited by the soul of their dead partner who was killed by rioters and proton cannons.
Us: Given the government’s previous reluctance to even deploy water cannons and rubber bullets isn’t it slightly extreme to now be arming officers with giant proton cannons?
Tockenheim: Some people might say that but those people probably live in fancy unrioting areas like Berwick or Luton. People are demanding results and nothing gets better results than reducing people to atoms with a high powered laser. If anything they should be thankful we aren’t using neutron cannons!
Us: Isn’t their a danger that these Cyborg Policemen may go mad with power and start killing everyone they deem unworthy, perhaps selecting a few to be “upgraded” and serve in their horrifying technocracy?
Tockenheim: I would be lying if I said this wasn’t the case. There is always an inherent danger in dealing with any kind of machine-man hybrid be it cyborg, android or robot with a man’s brain. We’ve all played rise of the robots! Its very important that these cyborg policemen don’t lose sight of their humanity which is why we have decided to re-home them in comfortable stark white cells and give them numbers instead of names to make them feel more special. If all else fails we have a race of genetically altered crab-men that are sure to put up some sort of fight.
Us: Is this anything like Robocop?
Tockenheim: No it’s nothing like Robocop.
Us: We’ve heard that the cyborg policemen will be enforcing the law in controversial new ways such as freezing criminals with arctic rays, crushing the legs of criminals with their large mechanical vice hands so that they are unable to run away and taunting rioters with demoralising slogans such as “Why don’t you try getting a job and then you could buy things instead of looting them.”. Don’t these methods contravene the human rights act?
Tockneheim: Technically a cyborg policeman is no longer human so they don’t believe in human rights. Although don’t tell them I said that they were no longer human because then they will probably go berserk and crush my legs with their vice hands. It’s not like people really care about human rights anyway. I personally have been sending people back to Aztec times with my patented Tocken-beam for years and I never get any complaints.
Us: Isn’t that because their were no human rights lawyers in Aztec times?
Tockenheim: No it’s because they were all immediately sacrificed to the great Toltec.
Us: Do law abiding citizens have anything to fear from this new technology.
Tockenheim: I would say NO. Law abiding people need not fear these new crime fighters in any way although I would qualify that by saying that when we were testing them they did kill quite a few tramps. Basically you should be ok but if you look a bit unkempt you might want to steer clear. Oh they don’t really get on with children either because we couldn’t get their camera eyes to focus on a large range of sizes. It’s not that they will attack children, just that they might not notice they exist and trample them. The same goes for midgets.
Us: Don’t you think most people would be more comfortable with a friendly local bobby than an emotionless army of steel automaton?
Tockenheim: We have already taken these concerns into consideration. That is why are policemen are programmed to whistle cheerfully as they mercilessly smash in the heads of wrong doers. In many ways it’s a return to the good old days when Dixon of Dock green was able to beat people’s children for stealing sweets without being put on some sort of list. In those days the only register they had for policemen was a register of excellent prevention of crimes.
Us: Thank you for answering our questions inspector, do you have a message you want to pass on to the public regarding the current problems?
Tockenheim: Yes. I’d just like to let everyone know that crime doesn’t pay. Unless it’s some sort of embezzlement crime that is too complicated to understand in which case you might get away with it but then who are you really hurting apart from big corporations that can afford it. Perhaps people wouldn’t embezzle so much if the heads would stop avoiding taxes and pay their dues to society. Did you know that with what the head of Arcadia avoids in taxes I could have bought a sheriffs badge made of palladium. Also if you are thinking of committing a crime then I’d probably do it before these robot things come out because I’ve seen them in action and they really don’t mess about. I mean seriously I saw one punch a guy so hard that he reproduced asexually.
Later on we were able to have a quick word with one of the ringleaders as he threw biros at innocent bystanders. He requested his name be withheld from publication, but “we don’t protect no riot-men” (His name was Harold Crimes)
Us: Can you tell us why you are engaging in all this violence and destruction? Wouldn’t you prefer to have all the thrills of obeying the law?
Harold Crimes: Well obviously I can speak for everyone involved in these riots as we are after all a cohesive movement. What these riots are mainly about is that looting stuff is really good.
Us: In what way is looting stuff “really good” for example in comparison with not looting stuff?
Harold Crimes: Well you know things?
Us: Items for example?
Harold crimes: Yes things and items. Well normally if I want things I have to go in a shop and buy them but when I’m looting stuff all I have to do is take the things I want. It’s a lot more convenient because you never get a queue and you don’t have to do that awkward bit of small talk with the cashier. I always wonder if their talking to me because they want to or just because they have been told to by the boss. I swear to god I once saw a list of questions to ask customers behind the till at Next. It said things like “Are you going on holiday this year?” and “What’s your favourite kind of screwdriver?”. What has any of this got to do with buying clothes!? Also I really wanted to buy some batman pants but it was a girl on the till and I didn’t want her thinking I was some sort of pervert so I had to come back and loot them later on.
Us: What do you say to people who claim you are hurting innocent business and ruining people’s livelihoods?
Harold Crimes: Well they should have thought about the consequences before stocking the kinds of things in their shops that I like to loot.
Us: But what about the fires you have started? What does that have to do with feeling slightly awkward when buying superhero themed underwear?
Harold Crimes: To be honest I feel a bit bad about that. Me and my mate Colsey were playing with a lighter and we got a bit carried away. I think Colsey felt so guilty that he buried his lighter in the woods. Unfortunately he buried it under a pile of dry wood and that caused even more problems. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be held to account for that but he’s lived in a tower block his whole life. What does he know about nature? He’d never even seen a tree before yesterday. How was he to know they were flammable?
Us: Finally can we just ask you about your response to the recently announced cyborg policemen?
Harold Crimes: They don’t really worry me. Confuser Gaz says he knows a bloke that can get a load of knock off bosun cannons and a couple of people on twitter are working on an EMP blast that will short out all their main cyber-functions. If all else fails we’ll just have to stop looting, which will be a shame.
After the time of writing we became aware that the Cyborg Policemen were actually just programmed to attack poor people and also that they weren't robots at all but just men holding baking trays. Oh David!
12/08/2011
Today's Work - Kes 2: Reloaded
Downtrodden knave Billy Casper discovers hope for a better life when he become saquainted with the Peregrine Falcon he affectionately names Kes. (Even though Perry or Falco would have been more sensible names.) In showing of his new feathered friend Casper develops confidence in himself and builds a friendship with an English teacher who may or may not be a paedophile. It becomes apparent to Billy that he may have a chance at a better life, something beyond the coal pits. However his youthful enthusiasm is crushed when his evil brother Judd kills Kes. This is just the beginning of the story.
Billy: Judd tha’s killed Kes an’ it dint do nowt to thee. Tha’s a reet get.
Judd: Shut that face our Billy. Tha dunt need Kestrels where tha’s go-in. Mebbes a canary tee hee.
Billy cradles the broken body of Kes .
Billy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Doctor Toriyama comes running from next door.
Toriyama: Billy, it may not be too late to save Kes.
Billy: Gnnn, Doctor Toriyama!
Troiyama: Quickly boy to my garage and underground research laboratory.
They rush off with Kes. Doctor Toriyama begins work immediately…
Toriyama: The spirit of Kes still burns brightly.
He connects two positronic connectors and flicks a large science switch
Toriyama: We can save her, improve her.
Close up of a heart monitor, it goes from flatline to feint peaks to a strong heartbeat.
Toriyama: From now on Billy Kes won’t just be your hope. She’ll be the world’s hope.
The bird’s talon twitches.
Toriyama: A bright hope for the future.
Kes extends and retracts new metallic wings.
Toriyama: Sky borne guardian of all our tomorrows.
Kes Squawks loudly.
Toriyama: A shining beacon, a symbol, arise Silver Robot Guardian Kezujin.
The new improved Kes flies out of the laboratory and spreads her wings. She has been transformed into a giant robot bird from the future.
Toriyama: As you can see Billy not only is Kes now a giant robot from the future, I have made her skin out of Toriyamium - a new alloy of my own invention which is virtually indestructible! And that’s not all…
SRG Kezujin lands next to them and a cockpit opens in the bird’s head.
Toriyama: Go on Billy give her a spin?
Billy: Eck mister, ah don’t know nowt bout fleeing robots.
Toriyama: Nonsense Billy, as Kezujin’s best friend you are the only one that CAN pilot her. Now go on…and don’t forget this.
Toriyama throws Billy a strange looking watch. When Billy presses the button he is instantly transformed into Burning Hero Casparian – the masked pilot of SRG Kezujin.
Billy: Ah feel reet strong wih this new gear on. Come on Kes, lets get on us way. I think you and are kid av some business to settle.
Billy jumps into SRG Kezujin and takes off at supersonic speeds. Its not long before they find Judd on his way home from t’betting shop.
Billy: There ee is Kez, now it ‘im wit’ Keztrel Beam Cannon.
SRG Kezujin opens her robotic beak and begins to fire a powerful lazer cannon.
Judd: By eck, its our kid and ee’s got a giant flamin’ robot!
Judd is vaporized by the powerful robot bird.
Meanwhile on Mars. In the court of King Craven, the evil Martian despot.
King Craven: Finally my army of giant monsters is complete. Those foolish earthmen won’t know what hit them. General Sil-var are our battle plans ready?
Sil-var: Yes sire we have located the greatest source of coal on earth, the mines of Barnsley. Once we have all those fossil fuels to power our machines our army will be unstoppable.
King Craven: Excellent, I will send down one of my best giant monsters to conquer it.
Sil-var: Sire I thought we might send all the giant monsters at once, then there is no chance of us losing.
King Craven: Nonsense! I’m not made of giant monsters Sil-Var and anyway those puny earthlings have yet to develop the giant robot technology required to defeat my giant monsters.
Sil-Var: Very well sire I will dispatch Nava-rosa the Moon Goon at once.
The Moon Goon is dispatched to Earth where he sets about attacking the Hoyland open cast mines.
Nava Rosa: Hoo haa hoo ha you puny humans will soon be “moon bliterated” by my lunar laser.
Chief Miner Trev: Blimey! That big get’s gunna take darn t’mines an then where we gunna work?
Assistant Miner Grenville: Ah dunt know, ave done mining since a left school! I aint got no other skills.
Nava Rosa: You weak Earth men should have tried harder at school, maybe you could have got cushy office jobs. Now the only job you are going to get is a “crushy” job under the sole of my moon boot!
Chief Miner Trev: Eck!
Just as Nava Rosa is about to tread on the miners SRG Kezujin flies into the monster and knocks him over.
Billy: Oy Moon man, why dunt tha pick on sumbde yer own size!
Nava Rosa: What!? No one knocks over Nava Rosa the Moon Goon, prepare to feel the might of my lunar laser.
Nava Rosa shoots his Lunar Laser but it bounces harmlessly of the Toriaymium armour plating.
Billy: That cant get a dint in this cocker! Come on Kes let’s give im what for…. GEE IT DRILL BEAK ATTACK LIKE.
SRG Kezuijin uses its powerful drill beak attack to fly straight through Nava Rosa the Moon Goon causing it to implode due to Moon-gravity.
Nava- Rosa: Cripes!
Billy: Theer tha gus! That’s what ‘appens when that tries to feight wi’ me an Kes!
Meanwhile on Mars.
KIing Craven: Curse that Billy Casper! He might have won this time but no one can stand up against the might of the Martian army not even a giant robot bird from the future.
To be continued……
I have been playing several House of the Dead games.
Q. What do you cal a light gun game where you have to shoot the cast of cheers?
A. The House of the Ted! (Danson)
Las week I had a bit of a House of the Dead bonanza as I bought House of the Dead: Overkill and House of the Dead 2 + 3 Returns. From now on I will be typing HOD instead of House of the Dead because it’s quicker and acts as subliminal advertising for my hilarious SImpsons knock off “The Whack-taculour world of Gomer Jumpson.”
Gomer Jumpson: “Greetings men, don’t forget annual picnic day.”
Moger Jumpson: “I’m helping myself to the grog.”
Bizmar Jumpson: “I will be making problems.”
Gomer Jumpson: “Hod! What terrible men.”
Dr Mufasa McEnroe: “I can fix these men.”
Gomer Jumpson: “Press the button?”
Dr Mufasa McEnroe: “This is not the way to get healthy!”
What I learned is that the old HOD games are miserly, cantankerous old sinners, designed purely with the intention of you dying a lot and putting more pound coins into the slot. That is why the old HOD games feature zombie midgets that throw knives at you and apathetic voice acting. Even I could have put more emotions into saying “My God” and I’m a robot from the future. (But not so far in the future that robots have emotions.) Overall these HOD-bominations can only be awarded a “Don’t Come” out of a giant zombie sloth with a man’s face.
Overkill however is a totally different kettle of fish, because the fish are still alive instead if being killed by unfairly quick zombies. Also they aren’t fish at all they are a delicious cup of faux blacksploitation tea. Tea is a more sensible thing to put in a kettle. (Unless it is a fish kettle) That is because Overkill ditches the apathetic dialogue of the earlier games and replaces it with a man who uses a lot of bad language, it also replaces being impossibly difficult with being rather easy! But before people start complaining about it being a “cake walk” they might like to know that the challenge lies in getting a high cake combo rather than finishing the cake. It’s also worth noting that the draft board was quite happy to play through this game with me but when I tried to make her play Lego Star Wars she got annoyed because she couldn’t get to the top of the Jawa Sand Crawler.
Therefore I can happily award HOD Overkill a doting sister out of a crippled brother.
A. The House of the Ted! (Danson)
Las week I had a bit of a House of the Dead bonanza as I bought House of the Dead: Overkill and House of the Dead 2 + 3 Returns. From now on I will be typing HOD instead of House of the Dead because it’s quicker and acts as subliminal advertising for my hilarious SImpsons knock off “The Whack-taculour world of Gomer Jumpson.”
Gomer Jumpson: “Greetings men, don’t forget annual picnic day.”
Moger Jumpson: “I’m helping myself to the grog.”
Bizmar Jumpson: “I will be making problems.”
Gomer Jumpson: “Hod! What terrible men.”
Dr Mufasa McEnroe: “I can fix these men.”
Gomer Jumpson: “Press the button?”
Dr Mufasa McEnroe: “This is not the way to get healthy!”
What I learned is that the old HOD games are miserly, cantankerous old sinners, designed purely with the intention of you dying a lot and putting more pound coins into the slot. That is why the old HOD games feature zombie midgets that throw knives at you and apathetic voice acting. Even I could have put more emotions into saying “My God” and I’m a robot from the future. (But not so far in the future that robots have emotions.) Overall these HOD-bominations can only be awarded a “Don’t Come” out of a giant zombie sloth with a man’s face.
Overkill however is a totally different kettle of fish, because the fish are still alive instead if being killed by unfairly quick zombies. Also they aren’t fish at all they are a delicious cup of faux blacksploitation tea. Tea is a more sensible thing to put in a kettle. (Unless it is a fish kettle) That is because Overkill ditches the apathetic dialogue of the earlier games and replaces it with a man who uses a lot of bad language, it also replaces being impossibly difficult with being rather easy! But before people start complaining about it being a “cake walk” they might like to know that the challenge lies in getting a high cake combo rather than finishing the cake. It’s also worth noting that the draft board was quite happy to play through this game with me but when I tried to make her play Lego Star Wars she got annoyed because she couldn’t get to the top of the Jawa Sand Crawler.
Therefore I can happily award HOD Overkill a doting sister out of a crippled brother.
Today's work - Tech Wizard 4
Tech Wizard 4: Tech Wizardry Unleashed
Now you are learning be true Tech Wizard just like hero Lance Actraiser. Utilise skills authentic to experience of Tech Wizadry. Authentic skills are including –
* Tech Wizard Large Shove
* Tech Wizard Galvanic Currency
* Tech Wizard lumi-stave (Include many colour Lumi-stave battle. Hand eye coordination on 1-1 basis)
* Tech Wizard not see asphyxiate
No only including this abilities but moreover many famous Tech Wizard moments. For example famous battle against ice giants. Be pulling over the ice giants with supreme confidence! Also perform battle with Shadow Caliban. Famous quote!
Shadow Caliban: “Uncle is me!”
Lance Actraiser: “Don’t!”
Tech Wizard is playable but also other not tech wizard to complete. Play as many experiences. Fenix Gambledor pilot Centurion Boat with help of colleague Momo.
Fenix is helping explode imperial custom battle station but he is also helping get himself some treasure!
Fenix Gambledor: “Give me item!”
Queen Anastasia: “Item not get!”
Fenix Gambledor: “What the issue?”
Momo: “Rog!”
Further example –
Fenix Gambledor: “I’m attacking your nose!”
Roy Winterocks: “He’s attacking my nose!”
Further example –
Dural: “I suspect bad chances!”
Fenix Gambledor: “Don’t locate those numbers!”
Momo: “Rog!”
Even more impressive experience life of Super Jetman. Super Jetman is one that all fans can enjoy. He is enemy of Fenix Gambledor, use Jetskills to imprison and return to Rathamon. Rathamon offers cast spell of living stone on family of Super Jetman. Double excitement. Rupert Jetman, protégé of Super Jetman as seen Tech Wizard 2: 1000 brother with equal faces, also available.
Super Jetman: “John Woo has arrived.”
Rupert Jetman: “Let’s be away!”
In fact this is not the end. Hidden mysteries of many playable experience from Tech Wizard 1: The Troublesome Geist. Everyone favourite this. Be aware of Shadow Caliban before he embark on villainy path. Shadow Caliban is romance with Nathanial Docks the boss of Naboo.
Also Shadow Caliban is original designate Balrog Actraiser! He is working under Zionist oppression until set loose by Tech Wizard Leroy and Tech Wizard Nolan. Much despair when they are fighting Shadow Oberon. He is using twin-lumi stave to devastating effect. It concludes that Tech Wizard Leroy is done for! Tech Wizard Nolan gets the decisive victory but at what cost!?
Shadow Oberon: “Soon I will expose myself!”
Tyrone: “Agree!”
Continue the narrative in Tech Wizard 3:The Spiteful Men. Balrog Actraiser is still having romance, but now he has advanced in years. New villains to follow when Shadow Dinosaur is made available. Balrog ends up losing his hand but more is lost by Rupert Jetman! (Tech Wizard Boston Cog is removing his head!) Balrog is eventually doing the wrong path and become Shadow Caliban.There is more to the story but everybody knows THAT story!
Furone B: “I imagined Not fight!”
Shadow Caliban: “Fight!”
Please look forward to purchase Tech Wizard 4: Tech Wizadry Unleashed. Occuring in timely fashion at neighbourhood convenience!
Impatient fans, provide currency previous to arrival and receiving bonus feature.
Bonus experience – activate extra episodes of adventure. Rescue Fenix Gambledor form Rathamon’s castle or else he will be serviced to the grand hole.
Now you are learning be true Tech Wizard just like hero Lance Actraiser. Utilise skills authentic to experience of Tech Wizadry. Authentic skills are including –
* Tech Wizard Large Shove
* Tech Wizard Galvanic Currency
* Tech Wizard lumi-stave (Include many colour Lumi-stave battle. Hand eye coordination on 1-1 basis)
* Tech Wizard not see asphyxiate
No only including this abilities but moreover many famous Tech Wizard moments. For example famous battle against ice giants. Be pulling over the ice giants with supreme confidence! Also perform battle with Shadow Caliban. Famous quote!
Shadow Caliban: “Uncle is me!”
Lance Actraiser: “Don’t!”
Tech Wizard is playable but also other not tech wizard to complete. Play as many experiences. Fenix Gambledor pilot Centurion Boat with help of colleague Momo.
Fenix is helping explode imperial custom battle station but he is also helping get himself some treasure!
Fenix Gambledor: “Give me item!”
Queen Anastasia: “Item not get!”
Fenix Gambledor: “What the issue?”
Momo: “Rog!”
Further example –
Fenix Gambledor: “I’m attacking your nose!”
Roy Winterocks: “He’s attacking my nose!”
Further example –
Dural: “I suspect bad chances!”
Fenix Gambledor: “Don’t locate those numbers!”
Momo: “Rog!”
Even more impressive experience life of Super Jetman. Super Jetman is one that all fans can enjoy. He is enemy of Fenix Gambledor, use Jetskills to imprison and return to Rathamon. Rathamon offers cast spell of living stone on family of Super Jetman. Double excitement. Rupert Jetman, protégé of Super Jetman as seen Tech Wizard 2: 1000 brother with equal faces, also available.
Super Jetman: “John Woo has arrived.”
Rupert Jetman: “Let’s be away!”
In fact this is not the end. Hidden mysteries of many playable experience from Tech Wizard 1: The Troublesome Geist. Everyone favourite this. Be aware of Shadow Caliban before he embark on villainy path. Shadow Caliban is romance with Nathanial Docks the boss of Naboo.
Also Shadow Caliban is original designate Balrog Actraiser! He is working under Zionist oppression until set loose by Tech Wizard Leroy and Tech Wizard Nolan. Much despair when they are fighting Shadow Oberon. He is using twin-lumi stave to devastating effect. It concludes that Tech Wizard Leroy is done for! Tech Wizard Nolan gets the decisive victory but at what cost!?
Shadow Oberon: “Soon I will expose myself!”
Tyrone: “Agree!”
Continue the narrative in Tech Wizard 3:The Spiteful Men. Balrog Actraiser is still having romance, but now he has advanced in years. New villains to follow when Shadow Dinosaur is made available. Balrog ends up losing his hand but more is lost by Rupert Jetman! (Tech Wizard Boston Cog is removing his head!) Balrog is eventually doing the wrong path and become Shadow Caliban.There is more to the story but everybody knows THAT story!
Furone B: “I imagined Not fight!”
Shadow Caliban: “Fight!”
Please look forward to purchase Tech Wizard 4: Tech Wizadry Unleashed. Occuring in timely fashion at neighbourhood convenience!
Impatient fans, provide currency previous to arrival and receiving bonus feature.
Bonus experience – activate extra episodes of adventure. Rescue Fenix Gambledor form Rathamon’s castle or else he will be serviced to the grand hole.
I have been playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.
My quote for the box of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed would be “If this is the force unleashed then I think someone should put a leash on the force pretty quickly before it gets sent to the force pound. (And then put down for being a dangerous force-dog.)” George Lucas did not put this quote on the box because I only thought of it today which means that he would have to invent time travel to put it on the box and even people in Star Wars can’t do time travel. This isn’t Star Trek you know! Also George Lucas knows a lot about marketing so he probably wouldn’t put a quote on the box that would make people think the Force Unleashed was a bad game. He would have to be “the force unhinged” to do a thing like that. He would put on quotes from magazines that said things like “I like the bit with the Lightsabers” and “You get to be Darth Vader.”
The irony being that I bought an unboxed copy of the Force Unleashed from my local Blockbuster so even if George Lucas did invent time travel I would be the last man to know about it. (And probably even after he invented it he would keep bringing out new versions of time travel with better graphics and instead of Han Solo shooting a man he goes inside a fridge. Eh readers!?)
Anyway I played the Force Unleashed for a bit and it turns out it is rubbish and it also turns out that I am still sick of doing 3D combat. This was the Wii version so instead of pressing X button I was waving my hands about in order to thwack enemies with melee weapon. To be fair the Force Unleashed has new ideas about 3D combat such as instead of having a “rage” bar you have a force bar that lets you throw barrels around, but you don’t really need to throw barrels around because you can just throw the actual people around or even better you can just run up to them and hit them with your lightsaber lots of times. Yet another in a long line of games where you are given a lot of abilities but are given no reason to use them because all you have to do is hit people with your weapon over….and over…and over.
Having only played the first couple of levels before taking it back to the shop and pretending it was broken I can’t say if this game features a giant mashy hands boss – but it probably does. It certainly contains the second most common boss in all games which is the dashy sword man. Dashy sword men are bosses who are the same size as you and they dash about doing long sword combo’s that knock you over. The way to defeat them is to kind of sidestep out of the way at the last minute and then hit them in the back while they continue the dashy sword combo. Sometimes he will do a teleport- dashy sword comb which will make him even more irritating but you can always win in the end by tediously dodging and hitting him once in the back before running away.
A lot of people seem to dislike this game because of all the stupid Star Wars things like how the main character is actually Bib Fortuna’s son or the bit where Darth Vader does a little dance. Those people are stupid though because even if this game had nothing to do with Star Wars and was called Tech Wizard 5: Tech wizardry Unleashed it would still be a very boring game that squanders the rich Tech Wizard license. Where is my Frenix Gambledor simulator?!
Overall I’m going to award the Force Unleashed a lowly Plo Koon out of a Kit Fisto and it’s only getting that because the shop didn’t have another copy so they let me swap it for Resident Evil 6.
The irony being that I bought an unboxed copy of the Force Unleashed from my local Blockbuster so even if George Lucas did invent time travel I would be the last man to know about it. (And probably even after he invented it he would keep bringing out new versions of time travel with better graphics and instead of Han Solo shooting a man he goes inside a fridge. Eh readers!?)
Anyway I played the Force Unleashed for a bit and it turns out it is rubbish and it also turns out that I am still sick of doing 3D combat. This was the Wii version so instead of pressing X button I was waving my hands about in order to thwack enemies with melee weapon. To be fair the Force Unleashed has new ideas about 3D combat such as instead of having a “rage” bar you have a force bar that lets you throw barrels around, but you don’t really need to throw barrels around because you can just throw the actual people around or even better you can just run up to them and hit them with your lightsaber lots of times. Yet another in a long line of games where you are given a lot of abilities but are given no reason to use them because all you have to do is hit people with your weapon over….and over…and over.
Having only played the first couple of levels before taking it back to the shop and pretending it was broken I can’t say if this game features a giant mashy hands boss – but it probably does. It certainly contains the second most common boss in all games which is the dashy sword man. Dashy sword men are bosses who are the same size as you and they dash about doing long sword combo’s that knock you over. The way to defeat them is to kind of sidestep out of the way at the last minute and then hit them in the back while they continue the dashy sword combo. Sometimes he will do a teleport- dashy sword comb which will make him even more irritating but you can always win in the end by tediously dodging and hitting him once in the back before running away.
A lot of people seem to dislike this game because of all the stupid Star Wars things like how the main character is actually Bib Fortuna’s son or the bit where Darth Vader does a little dance. Those people are stupid though because even if this game had nothing to do with Star Wars and was called Tech Wizard 5: Tech wizardry Unleashed it would still be a very boring game that squanders the rich Tech Wizard license. Where is my Frenix Gambledor simulator?!
Overall I’m going to award the Force Unleashed a lowly Plo Koon out of a Kit Fisto and it’s only getting that because the shop didn’t have another copy so they let me swap it for Resident Evil 6.
27/07/2011
The App-sideration bonanza - featuring a play about hills.
After another unwarranted pay rise at the taxpayer’s expense. (Thanks ladies and gents of the North, keep reaching for that rainbow.) I decided to invest in an “I Telephone Device” as I had heard that they can do all sorts of wonderful things. It turns out what they can actually do is sell you ropey flash games for 69p each. You might not think 69p is a lot of money but if you saved up all the 69p’s you would eventually have enough pennies to fill a sack with that you could use to someone over the head.
Of course not everyone owns a sack so here are my reviews so far.
Street Fighter IV:
Imagine if Street Fighter looked like Killer Instinct and you could only control it by hitting the joy pad with a broom. This is the experience of playing Street Fighter on the Iphone only instead of a broom you are using fingers and the touch screen doesn’t work properly. (Unless you have broom fingers)
Overall I give it a Mark of Dignity but not necessarily one that would scar thy DNA.
Cut the Rope
This game involves “cutting ropes” however it also involves rubbish bits where you have to razz a balloon. Notice how this game isn’t called “Razz the balloon” because the bits where you have to do that are irritating and no one would buy it. Personally I think it should have been called “F33d t2e Monst3R” because then Vin Diesel could have played the monster and instead of eating sweets he would have stolen a car full of sweets. Then the trailer would have been the rock saying “Don’t let them get near a car full of sweets” even though that’s exactly what had happened. Maybe people should pay more attention to what the rock says or they could end up like the man from the end of the Scorpion King. (Wrestled to death by a man wearing a loin cloth)
Overall this game gets a People’s Elbow out of rope.
Tiny Wings
Tiny Wings is a game about causing a bird to fly by throwing it down hills. My brother once threw a dog down some stairs but I don’t know if he intended it to fly. Either way this game is irresponsible both in it’s depiction of birds and how it implies that all hills are curvy. I for one have seen many jagged hills and this problem is not addressed in the game. That is why I have put together a small play about the dangers of hills.
The Hilling Joke
Scene 1: Matthew is sitting at a desk
Matthew: Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me, everyone tells me what to do…
Teacher: Get that work done boy or it’s a bleak tomorrow.
Parent: You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t put your ear to the grinder.
Friend: Everybody else is doing it; you don’t want to be Johnny Bagshaw.
Matthew: But all I really care about is…hills. I think about them all the time, sometimes I worry that it’s not natural. Barry Burns says that thinking about Hills turns you gay. But I just love them so much.
A knock at the door. Matthew gets up to answer it.
Matthew: Who are you!?
Stranger: I’m Richard Hill-man and I’m here to tell you the facts about hills!
Matthew: Mister, I’m worried that I’m spending too much time thinking about hills, do you think I’m abnormal?
Richard Hill-man: Of course not Matthew, it’s just a natural part of growing up. You’ll probably grow out of it eventually just remember to stay safe in the mean time.
Matthew: Safe? But Hills aren’t dangerous are they mister?
Richard Hill-Man: For the most part Hills are harmless but theirs always a bad apple waiting to spoil everybody’s hill related fun. Why any hill could have spikes at the bottom or even a troll living in it. Then the hills really would have eyes.
Matthew: Gosh Mister! I don’t think I could stand to go near a hill again what with all the risks involved.
Richard Hill-Man: Wo! Don’t be so hasty. We can all enjoy hills so long as we remember the seven steps of safe hill enjoyment.
1. ALWAYS wear stout hill boots or Gum shoes accredited by the National Hill Association. You can check what brands are endorsed by the NHA at NHA.com or just check the box for the golden hill of quality.
2. Ideally you should always visit a hill with a friend but if your friends have no interest in hills you should at least let someone know which hill you are visiting in case you get in trouble.
3. NEVER attempt to tumble down a hill.
4. NEVER get into the car of a stranger who offers to take you to see a new hill.
5. NEVER attempt to take a sample of the hill home with you. We all enjoy hills but if everyone tried to take the hills home with them there wouldn’t be any hills left to enjoy. Even worse a hill kept in captivity can easily turn evil out of boredom.
6. ALWAYS remember to bring your anti-troll dousing rod with you. It is rare that a hill will be inhabited by a troll in this day and age but you can never be too careful. A good dousing rod will cost you under £20 and you can’t put a price on safety.
7. NEVER point a hill at another person or animal.
Matthew: Wowsers, thanks Mister. Now I feel clued up on hills.
Richard Hill-Man: That’s right Matthew. Hills are cool but Hill safety is even cooler.
Matthew: Radical!
Fin
For these reasons I’m giving Tiny Wings a Hill out of Hillary Banks.
Cut Him Up!
I thought this might be a sequel to Cut the Rope. Actually I didn’t think that at all I just said it as a hilarious joke. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a prequel to Cut the Rope! The main differences between this and Cut the Rope is that instead of cutting the rope it is a scrolling beat-em-up with madworld type graphics. i.e all in black and white except the blood. Does this make the game look more stylish or does it make the game look like the man that made it couldn’t be bothered to do any colouring in? It’s a pretty rubbish game so I would say it’s the second thing, Not only did I manage to finish this game in an afternoon I also managed to make my man walk up a wall and witness that there were only three different enemies. The only thing getting cut up in this game is my wallet and maybe the man that made it because I am going to find him and cut him up to get my 69p back. (presuming that he swallows all the money he earns.)
This game is more Up! Than Cut up classic so its only getting 7 surgeons out of a last boss who looks a bit like Bane.
Streets of Rage
Streets of Rage 2 is the best streets of Rage but it also costs £2 (£1.99) whereas the original is a paltry 69p. If only I had remembered that the original is awful I would probably retain that 69p alas it has been wasted on a game where Blaze wears a coat and moving with any precision is impossible. Even Cut Him Up! Had better controls than this and as previously established that game was utter bobbins. Even the music on the original Streets of Rage is annoying. The whole experience made me want to cry.
For these reasons I’m giving Streets of Rage a Skate out of Adam.
Robot Unicorn Attack
Already an internet meme but no less excellent for it. Keep chasing those dreams Mr Unicorn.
(In the interests of fairness I should mention that I have always had a soft spot for Unicorns as I too have a mysterious horn sticking out of my forehead. The doctor identified it as “Mysterious mass of bone.” Thanks medical science!)
10/10
Hunters ep.1
Essentially Space Crusade for the iPhone. Stupidly addictive and when you kill people they make a satisfying “graak” noise. May or may not be related to Hunter: the Reckoning.
I give it a hunt out of hunt.
Of course not everyone owns a sack so here are my reviews so far.
Street Fighter IV:
Imagine if Street Fighter looked like Killer Instinct and you could only control it by hitting the joy pad with a broom. This is the experience of playing Street Fighter on the Iphone only instead of a broom you are using fingers and the touch screen doesn’t work properly. (Unless you have broom fingers)
Overall I give it a Mark of Dignity but not necessarily one that would scar thy DNA.
Cut the Rope
This game involves “cutting ropes” however it also involves rubbish bits where you have to razz a balloon. Notice how this game isn’t called “Razz the balloon” because the bits where you have to do that are irritating and no one would buy it. Personally I think it should have been called “F33d t2e Monst3R” because then Vin Diesel could have played the monster and instead of eating sweets he would have stolen a car full of sweets. Then the trailer would have been the rock saying “Don’t let them get near a car full of sweets” even though that’s exactly what had happened. Maybe people should pay more attention to what the rock says or they could end up like the man from the end of the Scorpion King. (Wrestled to death by a man wearing a loin cloth)
Overall this game gets a People’s Elbow out of rope.
Tiny Wings
Tiny Wings is a game about causing a bird to fly by throwing it down hills. My brother once threw a dog down some stairs but I don’t know if he intended it to fly. Either way this game is irresponsible both in it’s depiction of birds and how it implies that all hills are curvy. I for one have seen many jagged hills and this problem is not addressed in the game. That is why I have put together a small play about the dangers of hills.
The Hilling Joke
Scene 1: Matthew is sitting at a desk
Matthew: Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me, everyone tells me what to do…
Teacher: Get that work done boy or it’s a bleak tomorrow.
Parent: You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t put your ear to the grinder.
Friend: Everybody else is doing it; you don’t want to be Johnny Bagshaw.
Matthew: But all I really care about is…hills. I think about them all the time, sometimes I worry that it’s not natural. Barry Burns says that thinking about Hills turns you gay. But I just love them so much.
A knock at the door. Matthew gets up to answer it.
Matthew: Who are you!?
Stranger: I’m Richard Hill-man and I’m here to tell you the facts about hills!
Matthew: Mister, I’m worried that I’m spending too much time thinking about hills, do you think I’m abnormal?
Richard Hill-man: Of course not Matthew, it’s just a natural part of growing up. You’ll probably grow out of it eventually just remember to stay safe in the mean time.
Matthew: Safe? But Hills aren’t dangerous are they mister?
Richard Hill-Man: For the most part Hills are harmless but theirs always a bad apple waiting to spoil everybody’s hill related fun. Why any hill could have spikes at the bottom or even a troll living in it. Then the hills really would have eyes.
Matthew: Gosh Mister! I don’t think I could stand to go near a hill again what with all the risks involved.
Richard Hill-Man: Wo! Don’t be so hasty. We can all enjoy hills so long as we remember the seven steps of safe hill enjoyment.
1. ALWAYS wear stout hill boots or Gum shoes accredited by the National Hill Association. You can check what brands are endorsed by the NHA at NHA.com or just check the box for the golden hill of quality.
2. Ideally you should always visit a hill with a friend but if your friends have no interest in hills you should at least let someone know which hill you are visiting in case you get in trouble.
3. NEVER attempt to tumble down a hill.
4. NEVER get into the car of a stranger who offers to take you to see a new hill.
5. NEVER attempt to take a sample of the hill home with you. We all enjoy hills but if everyone tried to take the hills home with them there wouldn’t be any hills left to enjoy. Even worse a hill kept in captivity can easily turn evil out of boredom.
6. ALWAYS remember to bring your anti-troll dousing rod with you. It is rare that a hill will be inhabited by a troll in this day and age but you can never be too careful. A good dousing rod will cost you under £20 and you can’t put a price on safety.
7. NEVER point a hill at another person or animal.
Matthew: Wowsers, thanks Mister. Now I feel clued up on hills.
Richard Hill-Man: That’s right Matthew. Hills are cool but Hill safety is even cooler.
Matthew: Radical!
Fin
For these reasons I’m giving Tiny Wings a Hill out of Hillary Banks.
Cut Him Up!
I thought this might be a sequel to Cut the Rope. Actually I didn’t think that at all I just said it as a hilarious joke. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a prequel to Cut the Rope! The main differences between this and Cut the Rope is that instead of cutting the rope it is a scrolling beat-em-up with madworld type graphics. i.e all in black and white except the blood. Does this make the game look more stylish or does it make the game look like the man that made it couldn’t be bothered to do any colouring in? It’s a pretty rubbish game so I would say it’s the second thing, Not only did I manage to finish this game in an afternoon I also managed to make my man walk up a wall and witness that there were only three different enemies. The only thing getting cut up in this game is my wallet and maybe the man that made it because I am going to find him and cut him up to get my 69p back. (presuming that he swallows all the money he earns.)
This game is more Up! Than Cut up classic so its only getting 7 surgeons out of a last boss who looks a bit like Bane.
Streets of Rage
Streets of Rage 2 is the best streets of Rage but it also costs £2 (£1.99) whereas the original is a paltry 69p. If only I had remembered that the original is awful I would probably retain that 69p alas it has been wasted on a game where Blaze wears a coat and moving with any precision is impossible. Even Cut Him Up! Had better controls than this and as previously established that game was utter bobbins. Even the music on the original Streets of Rage is annoying. The whole experience made me want to cry.
For these reasons I’m giving Streets of Rage a Skate out of Adam.
Robot Unicorn Attack
Already an internet meme but no less excellent for it. Keep chasing those dreams Mr Unicorn.
(In the interests of fairness I should mention that I have always had a soft spot for Unicorns as I too have a mysterious horn sticking out of my forehead. The doctor identified it as “Mysterious mass of bone.” Thanks medical science!)
10/10
Hunters ep.1
Essentially Space Crusade for the iPhone. Stupidly addictive and when you kill people they make a satisfying “graak” noise. May or may not be related to Hunter: the Reckoning.
I give it a hunt out of hunt.
21/07/2011
I have been playing Warriors Orochi
Oda Nobugana appears to be a sort of Japanese version of Rasputin. That is to say an actual bearded historical figure who is constantly defamed in popular media by being cast as a villain and /or the actual devil. I say “appears to be” because my entire knowledge of east-asian history comes from scan reading a copy of “Orientialism” for a book review eight years ago.
Most of that book review was just this hilarious joke anyway
Man 1:“Edward Said”
Man 2: “What did he say”
Man 1: “No Edward Said!”
Man 2: “ I know he said something but WHAT did he say?”
Man 1: “Why I oughta, you’re richer than the Coney Island special and that’s twice I’ve said that!”
Man 2: “That’s easy for you to say wise guy!”
Man 1: “Yaeh but whatta it mean to me?”
Man 2: “Whatta-ever you want! Homana homana homana!”
Man 1: “So James Watt”
Man 2: “I don’t know what and don’t call me James!”
The point is that I got a 2:1 for that review despite only looking at the pictures in the book, the other point is that I have spent the week playing Warriors Orochi as Nobunaga. From this I learned that Nobunaga likes hitting men with a giant glowing sword and also that I’m glad the tuition at Sheffield University is so Eurocentric because all people in the east ever did was hit men with swords over and over again. He also liked to say “Its just that simple” but try asking him what he meant and you were likely to find yourself hit with his sword, just another number in the calculator of history!
It wouldn’t be so bad if when you hit the men they made a satisfying noise like “grghh” or “arghh” but all that happens is you kind of wave your weapons at them until they fall over like a fly slowly succumbing to the effects of Raid. Devil Kings is much better because at least you have more than three attacks but then fans of Asian history are probably going to go for Warriors Orochi because it has all the official names whereas in Devil Kings Nobunaga is just called “Devil King” and Nobunaga’s cousin is called “Eyepatch man”. This is a bit like how EA have all the proper teams in Fifa kicking wheras Konami have to have “Brian Priggs” and “Wazza”. Maybe they should team up with Koei and have Nobunaga as team captain? He would certainly “score” (hit) “some goals” (some men)! Then he would go to the restaurant called Nobu and kill everyone there so he could change the name to Nobu – Nobunaga edition.
Overall I award Warriors Orochi a Nobunaga’s Ambition out of fatal Fury: Wild Ambition.
Most of that book review was just this hilarious joke anyway
Man 1:“Edward Said”
Man 2: “What did he say”
Man 1: “No Edward Said!”
Man 2: “ I know he said something but WHAT did he say?”
Man 1: “Why I oughta, you’re richer than the Coney Island special and that’s twice I’ve said that!”
Man 2: “That’s easy for you to say wise guy!”
Man 1: “Yaeh but whatta it mean to me?”
Man 2: “Whatta-ever you want! Homana homana homana!”
Man 1: “So James Watt”
Man 2: “I don’t know what and don’t call me James!”
The point is that I got a 2:1 for that review despite only looking at the pictures in the book, the other point is that I have spent the week playing Warriors Orochi as Nobunaga. From this I learned that Nobunaga likes hitting men with a giant glowing sword and also that I’m glad the tuition at Sheffield University is so Eurocentric because all people in the east ever did was hit men with swords over and over again. He also liked to say “Its just that simple” but try asking him what he meant and you were likely to find yourself hit with his sword, just another number in the calculator of history!
It wouldn’t be so bad if when you hit the men they made a satisfying noise like “grghh” or “arghh” but all that happens is you kind of wave your weapons at them until they fall over like a fly slowly succumbing to the effects of Raid. Devil Kings is much better because at least you have more than three attacks but then fans of Asian history are probably going to go for Warriors Orochi because it has all the official names whereas in Devil Kings Nobunaga is just called “Devil King” and Nobunaga’s cousin is called “Eyepatch man”. This is a bit like how EA have all the proper teams in Fifa kicking wheras Konami have to have “Brian Priggs” and “Wazza”. Maybe they should team up with Koei and have Nobunaga as team captain? He would certainly “score” (hit) “some goals” (some men)! Then he would go to the restaurant called Nobu and kill everyone there so he could change the name to Nobu – Nobunaga edition.
Overall I award Warriors Orochi a Nobunaga’s Ambition out of fatal Fury: Wild Ambition.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)