The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries 13: International Criss Cross Crisis – Inspector Tockenheim is hunted by the hunter. (But will the hunter become the hunted!?)

Cog state U.S.A. - Inspector Tockenheim is enjoying a well-deserved rest from his ceaseless war against the restless criminal class. As Tockenheim himself says “Crime never rests but occasionally it does rest because all the criminals are resting in prison thanks to me – Inspector Tockenheim.” He goes on to add “If you ask me they shouldn’t be allowed to rest, they should be made to work off their debts to society. I’d like to see them use as counter weights for communal weighing scales which could be utilised by the poor for making their bread. I bet you can’t though because it’s against their ‘Human Rights’ though, what about the rights of the people they have wronged? Or the rights of the community to have homemade bread!? Tockenheim respects the rule of law but sometimes the law just sticks in my Tocken-craw.” Even in a state of relaxation Tockneheim is as sharp as the brass tacks. However in an steadily expanding universe (thanks to heavy promotion of the universe brand by the universe marketing department.) Tockenheim is not the only man who seeks to enforce the law and while this law-man is at rest another (law-man) is involved in a high speed chase across the milky way. That man is the mysterious Hunter and soon the paths of the two will cross in an unexpected way. (Unexpected for the hunter, Inspector Tockenheim is never taken by surprise. Even when he has a Kinder Surprise he already knows there’s going to be a toy in it. Except for the time the toy was replaced with a nail bomb by terrorists when thankfully he was wearing his ‘nail reflecting greaves’ so only innocent bystanders were killed. All life is sacred but only some life is the life of inspector Tockenheim the world’s premiere detective and therefore slightly more sacred.)

Meanwhile the Hunter is doing what he does best – hunting ner do wells on his outer space hunt-cycle. The villain in question is space vandal Rontox Alpha, a space criminal with a hefty bounty on both heads and currently a jar of phantasms which doesn’t belong to him. (because he stole it from the space shop.)

“You should just give up Rontox Alpha. Nobody escapes the Hunter and even if they do they live in constant fear of being caught which is no kind of life for a young man.” Shouts the Hunter as he fires plasma blasts form his ‘Hunt-staff’.

In a desperate evasive manoeuvre Rontox Alpha steers his space wagon into the path of some space debris. However he miscalculates the amount of space between the two and the systems of his wagon are damaged sending him plummeting to a nearby planet known as …. Earth. The Hunter gives chase at a safe distance not knowing that the moment Rontox Alpha entered the atmosphere he was also entered into the media by the ever vigilant and incorruptible world press of fleet street.. “Space man with space plan!? Space Vandal Rontox Alpha enters the fray. Could this be the end for the human race or the beginning of a race to the stars?!”

Wherever there is a furore there is a Tockenheim and so as the Hunter’s space hunt-cycle approaches the crash site of Rontox Alpha so does the patented Tocken-copter and all that might entail.

A warning is given, broadcasted and translated in local dialects by the computers in the Hunters cardbordanium hunt-helm. “I am the Hunter. Stay back earth-persons. I am here to collect the bounty on space vandal Rontox Alpha and mean you know harm. But if you mean me harm then the harm will actually come from my arms to your harm if you know what I mean.” To a man like Tockenheim this kind of veiled threat is something that he does not take kindly to, because in his experience if you lift the veil you find the threat ugly and toothless – like an arranged marriage from the radiation zone. “Back off Hunter. This man is now under the jurisdiction of earth law enforcement, represented by me Inspector Tockenheim the world’s greatest detective. Under our rules this man is entitled to a fair trial so don’t ‘trial’ my patience or you’ll be getting the sentence. And the sentence will be guilty as charged!”

The Hunter sees that Tockenheim is not like other men, if fact compared to the people of earth he is a lot better than them. But even so the Hunter has all the best space technology at his disposal and if this ‘Tockenheim’ wants a fight then he will get what he wants which is a fight, but when he gets it he will probably wonder why he wanted it in the first place. Leaping from his hunt-cycle the Hunter readies for battle, aiming his hunt-staff directly at the inspector and firing a well-placed plasma blast. However it is not that well placed because Tockenheim gets out of the way forewarned as he is by his illuminate pendulum and returns fire with his patented “Tocken-beam”. The Hunter is taken by surprise and the beams hit him dead on sending him back to Aztec times.

“To challenge Tockenheim is actually not a challenge at all for me because the only challenge is challenging yourself to not start the challenge in the first place. It seems this matter is done and all that remains is to capture the problematic space vandal known as Rontox Alpha.”

However before his confidence can be justified by his actions the Hunter appears behind him and delivers a powerful blow to the cranium. “You may be able to send me back to Aztec times Tockenheim, but the hunter has a time machine built into his huntlets (hunter gauntlets) so your attack is not worth the paper it’s printed on! Now surrender or you will end up surrendering the head from your body when I cut it off.”

"As a well-educated man Tockenheim knows the meaning of the word surrender but to all intents and purposes he might as well not because it is not something I will ever do, also I don’t accept the surrender of my enemies. You may dodge my Tocken-beam but I am also a master of Tock-Fu the clock based fighting art. Like the hands of the clock I will count down to your doom and attack you with the force of a thousand gears.” Tockenehim pushes the Hunter back using the “anticlockwise minute hand sweep.” and assumes the 9:30 fighting stance.

“It’s true that you are more challenging than my usual challenge but you shall surely be challenged by the fact that I will beat you. Your Tock-Fu will be no match for my unmatched mastery of “Hunt-kido” a fighting style of my own devising based on observing the movements of myself. (The Hunter)”

And with that the battle is on ‘hand in glove’ each blow is parried, counter parried and absorbed by the other. Can either emerge the victor? No they can’t because they are equally matched in all respects. Except for they have forgot one thing, the space vandal Rontox Alpha is still lose and is now loosely pointing his space guns at the both of them as they concentrate on the task at hand. (to hand combat)

“Prepare to die the Hunter” shouts Rontox Alpha as he fires his armour piercing space gun directly at the noggin of the distracted debutant. However today is not the day the Hunter will die as Tockenheim senses the attack using his illuminati pendulum and pushes the Hunter out of the line of fire.

“Why did you save me Tockenheim? You have dishonoured the honour of the Hunter.”

“The only thing I honour is the rule of law and here on earth it’s against the rules to shoot somebody while they are having a brawl. Tockenehim enforces the laws whether he likes it or not and quite often he does not, especially when it comes to the EU.”

“We have more in common than I thought Tockeneheim. The Hunter too has to deal with bureaucracy and space-human rights when he would rather be dealing out justice. Let’s team up to take down this felon – paperwork be dammed!”

“That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day apart from the ideas that I have heard myself saying. You’re on let’s take down this space vandal once and for all.”

And with that Tockenehim and the Hunter advance on space vandal Rontox Alpha who has no chance against such a titanic team up! Maybe his big brother Jarrocks Alpha would stand a chance but he’s in space prison and so has no way of helping and anyway they don’t get on very well.

Eventually the violence dies down and Rontox Alpha is held in science shackles ready for transport by the Hunter back to space jail.

“Tockenheim you are surely a great man, you should come with me to outer space and put your talents to better use.”

“It’s true that I am great The Hunter, but so long as you are keeping the space ways clear I’m happy to remain earthbound or ‘Mother’ as they say in Japan. Farewell Hunter, and if you ever truly need my help you can contact my landline using your space phone, but not after 9:00 pm that’s private Tockentime.” And with that the Hunter is gone back to space to continue his Hunting ventures. As he leaves a squat figure emerges on the horizon, the loutish figure of Contsable Cogsworthy.

“Loiks Inspector, sorry I was late. Ave I missed anythink!?”

“As usual Cogsworthy you have missed the point! (And also the events) You truly are as useless as a Geordie on non-hooligan day.”

“I certainly am inspector…I certainly am.”

The End?

Inspector Tockenheim 12

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries 12 – Tockenheim Tackles Cogzilla

Professor Peter Gearsley is the world’s foremost expert in cogsmology (the study of space cogs) and he plays a bad ass harpsichord. However right now he resists the lure of “cog and chord” to deal with his apprentice the deceitful Doctor David Reag who has been caught using the cog-sciences for nefarious purposes.

Professor Peter Gearsley: “Reag this has gone far enough! All my life I have worked for the betterment of mankind through the study of space cog, but what you’re doing is a perversion of my dream!”

Doctor David Reag: “The only pervert round here is you Gearsley. Why waste trying to help your fellows when you could have had everything by unleashing the dark power of the cog.”

Professor Peter Gearsley: “No Reag, there are some cog related things that man is not meant to trifle with. I won’t allow you to play cog-god and I’m putting an end to your infernal cog-speriments.”

But ,like the boy in the iron mask ,students of the dark arts are not interfered with so easily and things are about to go from having “nothing to gear” to “gear itself!” As Professor Peter Gearsley attempts to unpick the experiments Doctor David Reag intervenes by pushing him directly into the path of the terrible nega-cog beam (a beam of evil energy drawn from the dark heart of all cogs.)

Doctor David Reag: “That will show you the “beam” of your ways!”

Professor Peter Gearsley: “No I can feel the nega-cog energy changing me into….something…monsterous…becoming something more cog than man….”

Doctor David Reag: “These expectations are most unexpected, but like my integrity this building is crumbling away. So like this building I will (crumble) away!

And with that Doctor David Reag escapes into the night taking no responsibility for the horrors that are about to be wrought. For Professor Peter Gearsley is Professor Peter Gearsley no longer.  Instead he has become the giant and terrible beast Cogzilla, his once brilliant scientific mind locked behind layers of scales and gearworks he now exists to hunt down the man responsible and destroy anything that stands in his path whether it likes it or not. (It dosent but as previously stated Cogzilla no longer has the necessary mental functions to care.)

It’s not long before the city’s inhabitants suspect that something has gone awry. That something is the destruction of many homes and businesses by a tremendous beast. (His size was tremendous his actions would be in violation of even the most lax health and safety policy and can therefore only be considered “diabolical”)

Innocent bystander Fenton Wheeler: “Look at that tremendous beast and when I say tremendous I am describing his size and not endorsing his actions which by any stretch of the imagination would be considered amoral.”

Innocent bystander Manuel Silo: “I agree with your statement, clearly that creature is on the loose and someone is needed to tighten the screws!”

Innocent bystander Fenton Wheeler: “But what man or less likely a woman could tame such a monstrosity who’s very visage is enough to remind even the healthiest man of his own frailties? I would say that even Gareth “The Hay” Bailer would not be strong enough to take down this behemoth. Truly we are at a loss.”

But there is one man who always answers the call of justice regardless of whether the perpetrator be man or machine. That man is Inspector Tockenheim and as these simpletons speak he is breaking up his game of shove ha penny and winging his way to the scene. Quite literally as he is transported by his patented “Tocken Wings” a device through which even the most gravity prone mammal can snatch ownership of the skies back from the haughty hoo hoo bird. As usual behind him in the cog-car comes his bumbling assistant Constable Cogsworthy.

Inspector Tockenheim: “This looks like a tremendous problem and for me that has double meanings as not only is the source of the problem quite large but I also enjoy solving such problems. Where other people worry about these issues I visualise them as challenges to be overcome which is why I enjoy such a healthy state of mind. (over matter)”

Constable Cogsworthy: “Lemons and Limes! You certainly is an inspiration to us all. Personally I dwell on my problems and allow them to overwhelm me during the night.”

Inspector Tockenheim: “That doesn’t surprise me at all Cogsworthy. Luckily you only have insignificant problems such as planning your sister’s funeral. Imagine the problems that come with being Inspector Tockenheim! Not that I think of them as problems.”

Constable Cogsworthy: “Peaches and cream! Every minute blinkin’ would be a nightmare from which I could not awaken.”

Inspector Tockenheim: “That’s the spirit! Now what to do about this Gigantic Gearapod…”

Constable Cogsworthy: “Rhubarb and Custard! Pardon me guvnor but why don’t you just ‘it im with your patented Tocken Beam and send ‘im back to the Aztecian times?”

Inspector Tockenheim: “Cogsworthy you are a regular Billy Hatcher and by that I mean I’m going to run you over with a giant egg. If I send such a fantastic fiend back to Aztecian times it will overwhelm the primitive Aztecians and change history to a world where Cogzilla is king of the earth. Our democracy might not be perfect but at least we aren’t ruled over by an angry cog-saurus. (Unless UKIP gets in charge eh readers!?)”

Constable Cogsworthy:” Plums and Baileys! What a right old noggin I am! What we gonna do then inspector?”

Inspector Tockenheim: “Clearly this beast has been brought about by the application of dark cog-science and I suspect his actions are not relevant to his intentions. Maybe we could reverse the process by trapping him in the mirror universe where everything is opposite. There a giant monster would be a thing to be revered and not feared.”

Tockenheim then sets about luring Cogzilla into the mirror universe using a pile of tasty gears as bait. It’s not long before the fabulous thunderer is enjoying the benefits of a reverse society where monsters are revered for their destructive capabilities and scientists are shunned for the brightness of their white coats.

Mayor Hans ‘O Clocken: “Inspector you’ve saved out city yet again. Is there anything you cannot do?”

Inspector Tockenheim: “Yes I can never stand by while society is wrecked by villainess misdeeds whether it be the misdeeds of giant lizard or the man who steals bread to feed his family. That lizard can live happily in the mirror world and that man’s family can starve as an example to others. Now I must return to my unending fight against crime and more importantly my unfinished game of shov-ha penny.”

Mysterious Voice: “Not so fast Tockenheim. Your actions have had consequences, unexpected consequences! For while your fight against crime will never end my fight against un-crime will never fail to stop!”

Inspector Tockenheim: “It can’t be…”

Mysterious Voice: “That’s right Tockenheim, I your opposite number have escaped from the mirror universe and now you must deal with consequences and those consequences are me Prounstable Gearsunworthy and my foolish assistant Outphantasm Tickyouburgh.

Inspector Tockenheim: What a strange universe the mirror universe is!

To be continued….

Eurovision 2012

Under 19's Sci Fi.

Lance Actraiser is simple man working on Space farm, all he wants is to plough his photon-crops.  In future instead of normal crops people have photon-crops because they plough them using photons instead of ploughs, also because the space farmers enjoy shouting “Photon Crops” during space-harvest festival. Popular Photon Crops include Astro-wheat, Cosmic Potatoes, Venusian land plankton and Cyber-Lemons.  All is not well because the farm of Lance Actraiser is attacked by Shadow Caliban, first man of the space king.

“This farm belong to king now, don’t be tardy or it’s the space-chop.” Says Shadow Caliban.

“Oh dear” Says Lance Actraiser “I not have the means for this battle at present time, in further periods I will reclaim this. Furthermore you will be space-sorry!”

Shadow Caliban turns round with imperiousness “Space Sorry! It will be you who is Sorry…for this space!” He is gesturing to the ruined crops.

At this Lance Actraiser has no answer and he is away into the desert lands to hide from Shadow Caliban and also to prepare for further encounters. He has failed to prepare for the current encounter of dust men who set upon him with upmost strength. ”From bad to worse” says Lance Actraiser “I did not expect this, these dust men will be the death of me or at least the maiming.” But some strange exclamation causes the dust men to flee, and the exclamation is being exclamated from Tech Wizard Albert Cider. “Let’s shift on, or the Dust men will return and shift us on…to graves.” Says Albert “Not repeat that to unnecessary extremes, let’s be away.” Replies Lance Actraiser.

The duration for getting to Albert Cider lair “Cide-lair” is short and soon they are discussing things to come. “Lance, I am Tech Wizard.” Says Albert Cider “Also those relations to you were Tech Wizard which equals you to be Tech Wizard!” At this Lance Actraiser is most uncomfortable “Fi! Tech Wizard is the talk of fantasy, show the facts and it will all become apparent!” “Well you say apparent but this will be apparent” Says Albert and as he says he causes object to levitate using only power of mind. Also he hold proton cudgel which is most impressive. “Then I agree become Tech Wizard, Tech wizardry to defeat Shadow Caliban.”

So it is agrees that Lance Actraiser will come with Albert Cider to the space –bar but so sad that a man doesn’t like him. Well Lance Actraiser cannot please everyone but on this occasion Albert Cider is bashing the man with his space cudgel. Also in the space bar they team up with Fenix Gambledor and friend Momo because they are needing outer space travel and Fenix Gambledor space boat “Bi-centennial Man” he claims it can “Alter the kestrel run in under five space seconds”. Momo just say “Rog” because Momo is space hound. In the future space hound are equal citizen even though they not allowed to vote because unable to vote for Rog. Well no one is believing this claim when they witness that the “Bi-centennial man” is more like a Bi-centennial ham! But with the forces of Shadow Caliban at the door it’s no choice but to go out the space window. (To space.)

You think that going into space is escape from Shadow Caliban, that is not correct because he is also present …in space.  So they must have final showdown and it is serious battle, at the end Shadow Caliban reveal “It was really earth”. And lance Actraiser is taken aback.  (Literally!)

Today's work - Tockenheim 11

The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries - Tockenheim gives it’s a sporting chance.

It is the grand finale of the 2012 Olympic game.  People from around the globe have visited London to witness vaguely impressive feats of strength such as throwing a stick or leaping over some sand. For some reason they consider this more entertaining than watching Jurassic Park in HD. (High Dinosaur-finition). Chief of the OMD (Olympic medals Directorate) and renowned sports personality Keith “Tammers” Tamworth is approaching the podium to hand out the gold medals and all seems well with the world. Unfortunately things are about to go from “Athlete kings” to “Soured Grins”.

Keith “Tammers” Tamworth:  Before I hand out the medals, I’d just like to say a big thank you to all the athletes who went “Tammers and Hongs” to make these games memorable. I’d also like to thank the Olympic committee for giving me the chance to handle these medals despite my past “mistakes”. Now before we hand out the medal….

“Tammers” is interrupted by Henry Rioja the Mexican table tennis coach.

Henry Rioja: “Stop! These medals are a sham, you are bringing shame on the name of Mt Olympus.”

Keith “Tammers” Tamworth : What is the meaning of this outrage. You better be able to substantiate your claims or I’ll drop on you like the “Tammers Dozen.”

Henry Rioja: “I apologise if I come over as brusque, but I have uncovered a dark conspiracy the likes of which should not exist within the bright corners of the holy village we call Olympic. If you examine these photographs that I happened to take with my special Mexican long lense you will see that all three finalists in the Table Tennis tournament were not what they appeared to be.”

Keith “Tammers” Tamworth takes the photographs and examines them closely.

Keith “Tammers” Tamworth: “Those cogs, this can only mean one thing.”

Henry Rioja: “That’s right my friend, the finalists were all ….robots!”

There is uproar in the Olympic Stadium as people begin to realise the severity of what has happened. After all if you can’t trust an athlete who can you trust? Neighbours and families turn on each other and the question is raised. Who is man and who is cog (man)?

Keith “Tammers” Tamworth: “Is this true table tennis finalists, are you just machines.”

Tabletennis bot 1: “Greetings human, this question does not compute.”

Keith “Tammers” Tamworth: “Inscrutable! I don’t know how we will get to the bottom of this.”

Out of the crowd steps the master of deduction Inspector Tockenheim along with his idiot assistant Constable Cogsworthy.

Tockenheim: “I believe its tocken-time for me to lend a hand.”

 Keith “Tammers” Tamworth: “Inspector, thank goodness you’re here. Can you help sort out which athletes are computer powered and which are man powered?”

Tockenheim: Any fool can see that the only robot here is you “Tammers” or should I say ROBOTAMMERS!

Robot Keith “Robotammers” Tamworth: "It’s true, I must admit that the real Keith “Tammers” Tamworth died several years ago in an unspecified accident. However his brainwaves were uploaded to me “Robotammers” and from then on I’ve done my best to go all out “robo tammers and robo hongs” to honour his memory."

The crowd look uneasy at the thought of a cheeky sports personality actually being a cold, emotionless cyber-person.

Henry Rioja: “But what about the table tennis finalists?”

Tockenheim: “That’s simple, Robotammers simply used his inbuilt illusion beam to make it appear as though they were robots to draw attention away from himself. It didn’t help that some of the players looked quite square and emotionless anyway.”

Tabletennis bot 1: “It’s true, when you devote your life to mistress table tennis you have no time for your fellow man. But after all this I know what’s truly important. I’m in love with Henry Rioja and I want to be in a civil partnership with him but not married as that would be an affront to God. Henry will you sort of marry me?”

Henry Rioja: “Yes I do…I do!”

They embrace fondly.

Tockenheim: It looks like love conquers all.

Constable Cogsworthy: But what about Robotammers, isn’t he contravening some sort or robot rule?

Tockenheim: Again Cogsworthy your lack of mental power proves no surprise to anyone. The only crime Robotammers has committed is telling some criminal anecdotes on “They think it’s all over.” While it’s true robots cannot take part in the Olympics there is nothing to stop him giving out the medals, or conducting wedding ceremonies….

Henry Rioja: Then let’s get married right now and you will be my best man Inspector Tockenheim.

Tockenheim: Tockeneheim is always the best man!

-Fin-

Today's Work - Mr Eisner’s videogame aggressive corporate takeover.

“All your wishes can come true so long as those wishes involve all your intellectual property being owned by Disney.”

Order in the court! Once upon a time Uncle Werner Herzog Disney might have been the ice-man at the top of the adventure land totem pole. But now I Michael “Iron Fist” Eisner am the one making all the hard decisions, or at least I was during the 90’s until I was forced out for indecision regarding the Power Rangers franchise. Old Wodan might have thought he had explained the delightful electronic content that the Disney corporation have on offer but everything he says is just fairy stories, much like the stories you hear about people being killed on the small world ride. While the ice-man is back in the chest freezer allow me to present a series of graphs representing our ability to harness the power of a child’s imagination and turn it into cold hard cash.  (Specifically Eisner-dollars which will become legal tender once I offer England’s Queen a role in High School Musical 4: Secret of the Ooze)

Aladdin:

Whether it be a Chinese boy fighting his evil uncle Abanazer or an Arabian trying to stop an educated man from deposing a useless monarch, the moral of Aladdin is always that you can’t trust a foreigner. The videogame adaption takes this theme and runs with it, vertically across a series of platforms. Speaking of platforms this game was released for both the Mega Drive and SNES. The Mega Drive version allowed Aladdin to swing a sword at the friends of democracy while the SNES version reduced Aladdin to throwing apples at the face of man and giant snake alike. Like Disney, Nintendo are a family friendly global corporation and they didn’t like the idea of children accidentally slicing each other’s arms of with scimitars. I for one agree with this decision, children without arms are no good to the Disney corporation as they slide through the restrains on space mountain. That’s another frivolous lawsuit waiting to happen, if you read the small print on your ticket you’ll see that Michael Eisner is not responsible for events that transpire in outer space. It’s much safer for children to risk brain damage by hurling apples or similar round objects at each other, that’s just more brain damaged children coming on charity. trips to Disneyland. Whether the money comes from your own parents or the make a wish foundation makes no difference to me, I’m still just going to give it to Haim Saban.

Disney’s action game featuring Hercules:

 I was so sick of people coming up to me asking whether the Bambi game was a FPS or an RPG. The only thing I hate more than acronyms is ice cream vans which use images of Disney characters without paying the proper licensing fees. Listen “Uncle Whippy” just because you provide the ice necessary to stop our founders cadaver going gangrenous doesn’t mean you have carte blanche to depict Goofy asking people to mind that child. Goofy is a registered trademark of Disney and any public image of Goofy should be in keeping with his image as an idiotic dog who would no sooner mind a child as follow proper safety procedures while putting up wallpaper. It is true that the rights to our popular characters are sold at a price too high for most to afford, but have you considered using one of our less famous characters? Your ice cream van could feature official sanctioned images of Gurgi from the black cauldron for as little as $50,000 a month. The point is that most games are mysterious like a Cornetto and you never know what is luring at the bottom of the cone but Disney’s action game featuring Hercules is straight forward like a Cherry Brandy lolly. Only instead of unpopular cherry flavour it features unpopular 2D platforming and a Cyclops who quotes the names of Magic the Gathering Cards.

Toy Story:

 If you ask Michael Eisner (and everybody does eventually) Toy Story was the beginning of the end (for Michael Eisner). But I am not bitter at the fact that John Lassiter has hoodwinked his way to the top by remaking the Brave Little Toaster. In fact I wish him all the luck in the world because after Cars 2: Back in the habit  he is going to need it.  However this game comes from a time before films such as “Old Man misses dead wife” “Robot makes futile attempts” and “Not the Fantastic Four” and as such we can enjoy it’s pre-rendered graphics without knowing that eventually all the characters will be destroyed in a furnace. I’m particularly fond of the sections which see Woody carry toy aliens around the windows maze screensaver, as Tom hanks cheaper brother might say “There’s a serpent in my footwear!”

Toy Story 2:

 From the producers of “Apocalyptic sentient automobile future” comes Toy Story 2, the Toy Story sequel that isn’t an hour of suicide inducing melancholy and ten minutes of hilarious jokes about Ken. This time the men from Disney have gone all out to move away from 2D platforming and bring you ….3D platforming. You can recreate all your favourite moments from Toy Story 2, such as the bit where Buzz Lightyear repeatedly tried to jump between tree branches or the scene where Buzz Lightyear can’t work out how to get up a desk and uses the level select code to go straight to the airport level. As a down on his luck due to drink driving charges Tim Allen might say “To Infinity gauntlet and beyonder!”

Disney’s Epic Mickey:

 This game tells the familiar story of an old relic being “sent away” and replaced with a younger model who knows more about maximising corporate revenue streams. With this being a game of course Oswald the lucky rabbits family don’t team up to oust you from your position after a few mistakes that anyone could make, that is because un like real life games have to be fair. If Oswald the lucky rabbit was so great how come he is a frozen shell while I Michael Eisner am a vigorous man who does not rely on liquid nitrogen to stop his eyes falling out. Even Mickey Mouse can make a few mistakes, I mean who would think a film about a sassy cow in the wild west could be anything other than a massive success?  Well in this game Mickey say’s “no” to the irrelevant men of the past and erases them with paint thinner. However it’s not all “black and white” as much like myself Mickey has some difficult decisions to make along the way, for example should he erase Tron –Pete from existence or simply edit out all his politically incorrect moments? Should he help a pirate marry a cow or report him to the authorities and should he create a Roger Rabbit franchise or have his attempts to create a Roger Rabbit Franchise fail due to outside interference. Of course in the end Mickey escapes from the backwards world he is trapped in and gets lucrative jobs in network television. Again Nintendo were happy to allow this game to be exclusive to their Wii system as it does not encourage children to attack each other with weapons, it merely encourages them to drown each other with paint thinner.

Kingdom Hearts:

 Combining two popular franchises to create an all-powerful mega-franchise is just the sort of practice that Michael Eisner approves of. It’s just a shame that instead of working with Square-Enix we weren’t able to buy them outright and acquire rights to all their characters. Let me tell you I had big plans for a new series of Bonkers where Bonkers Bobcat pilots a wanzer. (I also had an idea for a Saturday morning Tobal cartoon called Oliems Troop, but I was advised not to talk about that in public ever again) We weren’t able to release the main Kingdom Hearts games on Nintendo consoles due to the gratuitous use of giant keys as weaponry. In fact the main character’s “Keyblade” stirred up a lot of controversy at the time with people making statements such as “A key should open the door to peace, but these keys bash the faces of all key loving people.” and “This is a key moment in the fight against the deformation of keys.” All the stories of key-related violence in the media didn’t help (boy pokes own eye out with key/ childhood keytastrophe/ Asylum seekers given free keys by government.) and for a while many shops were refusing to stock Kingdom Hearts due to the high level of key based violence. Eventually cooler heads prevailed and everyone was free to enjoy the simple story of the boy from the sixth sense travelling through the magical worlds of Disney and producing a lot of unnecessary portable spin offs.

Jungle Book Groove Party:

 Everybody likes hastily made cash ins of popular fads that cheapen a once highly regarded artistic achievement, just ask the people that made the Jungle Book 2: Jungle in the city. With Jungle Book Groove party Disney were able to combine the classic songs from the Jungle book with very slow dance dance revolution style gameplay to produce an unsatisfying experience for all. On my personal recommendation Lou Bega was invited to record his own version of “I want to be like you.” Because if you were Lou Bega I can’t imagine anything more than wanting to be more like someone else. (Specifically someone who wasn’t Lou Bega.) Still it was nice for everyone to hear from Lou Bega again a good few years after Mambo Number 5 just to make sure he wasn’t dead. This game was actually supposed to restart Lou Bega’s music career and had it been successful we would have launched Black Cauldron Groove Part featuring Shaggy and Basil the Great Mouse Detective Groove Party featuring Aswad. Unfortunately the “Groove” franchise was not to be ad the Kettle Drum version of the Rattigan song must remain in the Disney vault…for now.

Dance Dance Revolution: Disney Mix:

Where other men might fear to tread Michael Eisner struts in confidently. After the failure of one “groove” game you might think an intelligent business man would shy away from the whole foot-arrow genre. But as Michael Eisner says “If you aren’t prepared to fail then you aren’t prepared for (Vicki) Vale.” With the help of Konami we were able to produce a dancing game that mixed classic Disney songs with other not Disney songs that didn’t really have any business being there. That said until you have heard a house remix of Chim Chimmeny then you haven’t lived and we even included an exercise mode to count calories for those gelatinous beasts that have enjoyed too many official Mickey Mouse Club House pasta shapes. Yes those shapes may have contained an almost lethal dose of salt, but nobody told you to eat them and going blind is just a natural part of life.

Disney’s Think Fast: 

Is there a controller more pointless than the buzz controller? All it does it make the buttons slightly bigger, for most of the games you don’t even use the big red buzzer to buzz anything. Personally I (Michael Eisner) feel that the people that made it must have been “buzzed” by illegal substances when they created it. That doesn’t mean that we here at the Disney corporation aren’t going to take advantage of it to produce Disney themed quiz games. After all if we were that picky about employing drug addicts we wouldn’t have hired the crack head that came up with Sebastian the talking crab. I mean what sane person would ever even imagine a crab could talk? They don’t even have mouths just pincers and a negative attitude towards being boiled in pots. I found this out the hard way while trying to make a romantic meal for Mrs Eisner and from that day all crabs have been disbarred from Disney property. That is why the new DVD release of the Little Mermaid instead features a Monkfish called Hydrogen V. What more is there to say about this game other than that it features a man who isn’t Robin Williams or Dan Castalanetta voicing the genie quizmaster and also that it features a disproportionate amount of questions about Treasure Planet. Even I didn’t like Treasure Planet and most of it was based on my own life.

I must now leave the writing desk as it’s time for Meister Walt to be defrosted and last time he caught me touching his things I was forced to watch Lilo and Stitch. Do not worry though Eisner will  be back as that old frost giant won’t live forever and even if he does I will eventually discover the codes to the Disney nuclear submarine.

Your Pal – The Great Eisnerheim

Today's Work - Solve my game.

The Photon Shock

Doctor Doom helps Terrax choose a new phone , Ms Marvel takes a creative writing course.

The Sunday Best

The Air Walker looks through the window while Luke Cage is on the toilet ,Moon Knight makes several negative comments on a you tube video.

The Disassembled

Sunspot says something racist to the Wendigo. The Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man try to buy the same wheelbarrow.

The Owned Curse

Ghost Rider dates a woman in a haunted wheel chair,  Banshee inadvertently ruins a village fete.

The Aim of Hawkeye

Taskmaster gets a job as a door to door salesman, Hawkeye disapproves.

The Cosmic Cube

Firelord Visits an unconventional dentist , Purple Man writes a list of his regrets.

The Secret Wars

The Inbetweener goes on a lads holiday with the Beyonder and Ego the living planet, Bloodstone runs for district attorney.

The Infinity Gauntlet

Thanos paints a boat, Adam Warlock starts lying on his CV.

The Cerebro

Gambit takes in stray cat, Mr Sinister proves a point about fruit.

The Mandroid

Iron Man tries a different barber, Klaw enters a children’s mah-jong tournament.

The Mystic Stare

Shuma Gorath writes a novel about trees, Doctor Druid’s tries not to look at his manager’s eye.

The Vibranium

Morph starts a chain letter, Jubilee discovers  her boyfriend doesn’t recycle.

The Ten Rings

Crimson Dynamo assists the wrong man, the Mandarin makes the perfect pancake.

The Nova Force

Moondragon starts her own bank, grey Gargoyle gets his hand stuck in a jar.

The LMD

Carnage inherits a haunted house, Nick Fury gets a catholic pen pal.

The Wakandan

Red Ghost picks at his food, Namorita goes undercover at a shoe factory.

The Hellicarrier

Ant Man beats his mentally ill friend at tennis,  Mysterio tries to get a restaurant closed down.

The Spider Slayer

Alistair Smythe swallows a key, the Kingpin obsesses over a pinball machine.

The Watcher

Galactus interrupts a speech, Mr Fantastic discovers the true meaning of Christmas.

The Terrigen Mist

Black Bolt goes vegan, Karnak is disappointed by a yo yo champion.

The Ultimate Nullifier

Sauron takes the bus, Morbius meets a famous author.

The Savage Land

Ka-Zar frames his boss for mail fraud, Quasar hires a one legged maid.

The Optic Blast

Longshot purposely engineers awkward social situations, Shatterstar develops a sleep problem.