My quote for the box of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed would be “If this is the force unleashed then I think someone should put a leash on the force pretty quickly before it gets sent to the force pound. (And then put down for being a dangerous force-dog.)” George Lucas did not put this quote on the box because I only thought of it today which means that he would have to invent time travel to put it on the box and even people in Star Wars can’t do time travel. This isn’t Star Trek you know! Also George Lucas knows a lot about marketing so he probably wouldn’t put a quote on the box that would make people think the Force Unleashed was a bad game. He would have to be “the force unhinged” to do a thing like that. He would put on quotes from magazines that said things like “I like the bit with the Lightsabers” and “You get to be Darth Vader.”
The irony being that I bought an unboxed copy of the Force Unleashed from my local Blockbuster so even if George Lucas did invent time travel I would be the last man to know about it. (And probably even after he invented it he would keep bringing out new versions of time travel with better graphics and instead of Han Solo shooting a man he goes inside a fridge. Eh readers!?)
Anyway I played the Force Unleashed for a bit and it turns out it is rubbish and it also turns out that I am still sick of doing 3D combat. This was the Wii version so instead of pressing X button I was waving my hands about in order to thwack enemies with melee weapon. To be fair the Force Unleashed has new ideas about 3D combat such as instead of having a “rage” bar you have a force bar that lets you throw barrels around, but you don’t really need to throw barrels around because you can just throw the actual people around or even better you can just run up to them and hit them with your lightsaber lots of times. Yet another in a long line of games where you are given a lot of abilities but are given no reason to use them because all you have to do is hit people with your weapon over….and over…and over.
Having only played the first couple of levels before taking it back to the shop and pretending it was broken I can’t say if this game features a giant mashy hands boss – but it probably does. It certainly contains the second most common boss in all games which is the dashy sword man. Dashy sword men are bosses who are the same size as you and they dash about doing long sword combo’s that knock you over. The way to defeat them is to kind of sidestep out of the way at the last minute and then hit them in the back while they continue the dashy sword combo. Sometimes he will do a teleport- dashy sword comb which will make him even more irritating but you can always win in the end by tediously dodging and hitting him once in the back before running away.
A lot of people seem to dislike this game because of all the stupid Star Wars things like how the main character is actually Bib Fortuna’s son or the bit where Darth Vader does a little dance. Those people are stupid though because even if this game had nothing to do with Star Wars and was called Tech Wizard 5: Tech wizardry Unleashed it would still be a very boring game that squanders the rich Tech Wizard license. Where is my Frenix Gambledor simulator?!
Overall I’m going to award the Force Unleashed a lowly Plo Koon out of a Kit Fisto and it’s only getting that because the shop didn’t have another copy so they let me swap it for Resident Evil 6.
27/07/2011
The App-sideration bonanza - featuring a play about hills.
After another unwarranted pay rise at the taxpayer’s expense. (Thanks ladies and gents of the North, keep reaching for that rainbow.) I decided to invest in an “I Telephone Device” as I had heard that they can do all sorts of wonderful things. It turns out what they can actually do is sell you ropey flash games for 69p each. You might not think 69p is a lot of money but if you saved up all the 69p’s you would eventually have enough pennies to fill a sack with that you could use to someone over the head.
Of course not everyone owns a sack so here are my reviews so far.
Street Fighter IV:
Imagine if Street Fighter looked like Killer Instinct and you could only control it by hitting the joy pad with a broom. This is the experience of playing Street Fighter on the Iphone only instead of a broom you are using fingers and the touch screen doesn’t work properly. (Unless you have broom fingers)
Overall I give it a Mark of Dignity but not necessarily one that would scar thy DNA.
Cut the Rope
This game involves “cutting ropes” however it also involves rubbish bits where you have to razz a balloon. Notice how this game isn’t called “Razz the balloon” because the bits where you have to do that are irritating and no one would buy it. Personally I think it should have been called “F33d t2e Monst3R” because then Vin Diesel could have played the monster and instead of eating sweets he would have stolen a car full of sweets. Then the trailer would have been the rock saying “Don’t let them get near a car full of sweets” even though that’s exactly what had happened. Maybe people should pay more attention to what the rock says or they could end up like the man from the end of the Scorpion King. (Wrestled to death by a man wearing a loin cloth)
Overall this game gets a People’s Elbow out of rope.
Tiny Wings
Tiny Wings is a game about causing a bird to fly by throwing it down hills. My brother once threw a dog down some stairs but I don’t know if he intended it to fly. Either way this game is irresponsible both in it’s depiction of birds and how it implies that all hills are curvy. I for one have seen many jagged hills and this problem is not addressed in the game. That is why I have put together a small play about the dangers of hills.
The Hilling Joke
Scene 1: Matthew is sitting at a desk
Matthew: Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me, everyone tells me what to do…
Teacher: Get that work done boy or it’s a bleak tomorrow.
Parent: You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t put your ear to the grinder.
Friend: Everybody else is doing it; you don’t want to be Johnny Bagshaw.
Matthew: But all I really care about is…hills. I think about them all the time, sometimes I worry that it’s not natural. Barry Burns says that thinking about Hills turns you gay. But I just love them so much.
A knock at the door. Matthew gets up to answer it.
Matthew: Who are you!?
Stranger: I’m Richard Hill-man and I’m here to tell you the facts about hills!
Matthew: Mister, I’m worried that I’m spending too much time thinking about hills, do you think I’m abnormal?
Richard Hill-man: Of course not Matthew, it’s just a natural part of growing up. You’ll probably grow out of it eventually just remember to stay safe in the mean time.
Matthew: Safe? But Hills aren’t dangerous are they mister?
Richard Hill-Man: For the most part Hills are harmless but theirs always a bad apple waiting to spoil everybody’s hill related fun. Why any hill could have spikes at the bottom or even a troll living in it. Then the hills really would have eyes.
Matthew: Gosh Mister! I don’t think I could stand to go near a hill again what with all the risks involved.
Richard Hill-Man: Wo! Don’t be so hasty. We can all enjoy hills so long as we remember the seven steps of safe hill enjoyment.
1. ALWAYS wear stout hill boots or Gum shoes accredited by the National Hill Association. You can check what brands are endorsed by the NHA at NHA.com or just check the box for the golden hill of quality.
2. Ideally you should always visit a hill with a friend but if your friends have no interest in hills you should at least let someone know which hill you are visiting in case you get in trouble.
3. NEVER attempt to tumble down a hill.
4. NEVER get into the car of a stranger who offers to take you to see a new hill.
5. NEVER attempt to take a sample of the hill home with you. We all enjoy hills but if everyone tried to take the hills home with them there wouldn’t be any hills left to enjoy. Even worse a hill kept in captivity can easily turn evil out of boredom.
6. ALWAYS remember to bring your anti-troll dousing rod with you. It is rare that a hill will be inhabited by a troll in this day and age but you can never be too careful. A good dousing rod will cost you under £20 and you can’t put a price on safety.
7. NEVER point a hill at another person or animal.
Matthew: Wowsers, thanks Mister. Now I feel clued up on hills.
Richard Hill-Man: That’s right Matthew. Hills are cool but Hill safety is even cooler.
Matthew: Radical!
Fin
For these reasons I’m giving Tiny Wings a Hill out of Hillary Banks.
Cut Him Up!
I thought this might be a sequel to Cut the Rope. Actually I didn’t think that at all I just said it as a hilarious joke. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a prequel to Cut the Rope! The main differences between this and Cut the Rope is that instead of cutting the rope it is a scrolling beat-em-up with madworld type graphics. i.e all in black and white except the blood. Does this make the game look more stylish or does it make the game look like the man that made it couldn’t be bothered to do any colouring in? It’s a pretty rubbish game so I would say it’s the second thing, Not only did I manage to finish this game in an afternoon I also managed to make my man walk up a wall and witness that there were only three different enemies. The only thing getting cut up in this game is my wallet and maybe the man that made it because I am going to find him and cut him up to get my 69p back. (presuming that he swallows all the money he earns.)
This game is more Up! Than Cut up classic so its only getting 7 surgeons out of a last boss who looks a bit like Bane.
Streets of Rage
Streets of Rage 2 is the best streets of Rage but it also costs £2 (£1.99) whereas the original is a paltry 69p. If only I had remembered that the original is awful I would probably retain that 69p alas it has been wasted on a game where Blaze wears a coat and moving with any precision is impossible. Even Cut Him Up! Had better controls than this and as previously established that game was utter bobbins. Even the music on the original Streets of Rage is annoying. The whole experience made me want to cry.
For these reasons I’m giving Streets of Rage a Skate out of Adam.
Robot Unicorn Attack
Already an internet meme but no less excellent for it. Keep chasing those dreams Mr Unicorn.
(In the interests of fairness I should mention that I have always had a soft spot for Unicorns as I too have a mysterious horn sticking out of my forehead. The doctor identified it as “Mysterious mass of bone.” Thanks medical science!)
10/10
Hunters ep.1
Essentially Space Crusade for the iPhone. Stupidly addictive and when you kill people they make a satisfying “graak” noise. May or may not be related to Hunter: the Reckoning.
I give it a hunt out of hunt.
Of course not everyone owns a sack so here are my reviews so far.
Street Fighter IV:
Imagine if Street Fighter looked like Killer Instinct and you could only control it by hitting the joy pad with a broom. This is the experience of playing Street Fighter on the Iphone only instead of a broom you are using fingers and the touch screen doesn’t work properly. (Unless you have broom fingers)
Overall I give it a Mark of Dignity but not necessarily one that would scar thy DNA.
Cut the Rope
This game involves “cutting ropes” however it also involves rubbish bits where you have to razz a balloon. Notice how this game isn’t called “Razz the balloon” because the bits where you have to do that are irritating and no one would buy it. Personally I think it should have been called “F33d t2e Monst3R” because then Vin Diesel could have played the monster and instead of eating sweets he would have stolen a car full of sweets. Then the trailer would have been the rock saying “Don’t let them get near a car full of sweets” even though that’s exactly what had happened. Maybe people should pay more attention to what the rock says or they could end up like the man from the end of the Scorpion King. (Wrestled to death by a man wearing a loin cloth)
Overall this game gets a People’s Elbow out of rope.
Tiny Wings
Tiny Wings is a game about causing a bird to fly by throwing it down hills. My brother once threw a dog down some stairs but I don’t know if he intended it to fly. Either way this game is irresponsible both in it’s depiction of birds and how it implies that all hills are curvy. I for one have seen many jagged hills and this problem is not addressed in the game. That is why I have put together a small play about the dangers of hills.
The Hilling Joke
Scene 1: Matthew is sitting at a desk
Matthew: Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me, everyone tells me what to do…
Teacher: Get that work done boy or it’s a bleak tomorrow.
Parent: You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t put your ear to the grinder.
Friend: Everybody else is doing it; you don’t want to be Johnny Bagshaw.
Matthew: But all I really care about is…hills. I think about them all the time, sometimes I worry that it’s not natural. Barry Burns says that thinking about Hills turns you gay. But I just love them so much.
A knock at the door. Matthew gets up to answer it.
Matthew: Who are you!?
Stranger: I’m Richard Hill-man and I’m here to tell you the facts about hills!
Matthew: Mister, I’m worried that I’m spending too much time thinking about hills, do you think I’m abnormal?
Richard Hill-man: Of course not Matthew, it’s just a natural part of growing up. You’ll probably grow out of it eventually just remember to stay safe in the mean time.
Matthew: Safe? But Hills aren’t dangerous are they mister?
Richard Hill-Man: For the most part Hills are harmless but theirs always a bad apple waiting to spoil everybody’s hill related fun. Why any hill could have spikes at the bottom or even a troll living in it. Then the hills really would have eyes.
Matthew: Gosh Mister! I don’t think I could stand to go near a hill again what with all the risks involved.
Richard Hill-Man: Wo! Don’t be so hasty. We can all enjoy hills so long as we remember the seven steps of safe hill enjoyment.
1. ALWAYS wear stout hill boots or Gum shoes accredited by the National Hill Association. You can check what brands are endorsed by the NHA at NHA.com or just check the box for the golden hill of quality.
2. Ideally you should always visit a hill with a friend but if your friends have no interest in hills you should at least let someone know which hill you are visiting in case you get in trouble.
3. NEVER attempt to tumble down a hill.
4. NEVER get into the car of a stranger who offers to take you to see a new hill.
5. NEVER attempt to take a sample of the hill home with you. We all enjoy hills but if everyone tried to take the hills home with them there wouldn’t be any hills left to enjoy. Even worse a hill kept in captivity can easily turn evil out of boredom.
6. ALWAYS remember to bring your anti-troll dousing rod with you. It is rare that a hill will be inhabited by a troll in this day and age but you can never be too careful. A good dousing rod will cost you under £20 and you can’t put a price on safety.
7. NEVER point a hill at another person or animal.
Matthew: Wowsers, thanks Mister. Now I feel clued up on hills.
Richard Hill-Man: That’s right Matthew. Hills are cool but Hill safety is even cooler.
Matthew: Radical!
Fin
For these reasons I’m giving Tiny Wings a Hill out of Hillary Banks.
Cut Him Up!
I thought this might be a sequel to Cut the Rope. Actually I didn’t think that at all I just said it as a hilarious joke. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a prequel to Cut the Rope! The main differences between this and Cut the Rope is that instead of cutting the rope it is a scrolling beat-em-up with madworld type graphics. i.e all in black and white except the blood. Does this make the game look more stylish or does it make the game look like the man that made it couldn’t be bothered to do any colouring in? It’s a pretty rubbish game so I would say it’s the second thing, Not only did I manage to finish this game in an afternoon I also managed to make my man walk up a wall and witness that there were only three different enemies. The only thing getting cut up in this game is my wallet and maybe the man that made it because I am going to find him and cut him up to get my 69p back. (presuming that he swallows all the money he earns.)
This game is more Up! Than Cut up classic so its only getting 7 surgeons out of a last boss who looks a bit like Bane.
Streets of Rage
Streets of Rage 2 is the best streets of Rage but it also costs £2 (£1.99) whereas the original is a paltry 69p. If only I had remembered that the original is awful I would probably retain that 69p alas it has been wasted on a game where Blaze wears a coat and moving with any precision is impossible. Even Cut Him Up! Had better controls than this and as previously established that game was utter bobbins. Even the music on the original Streets of Rage is annoying. The whole experience made me want to cry.
For these reasons I’m giving Streets of Rage a Skate out of Adam.
Robot Unicorn Attack
Already an internet meme but no less excellent for it. Keep chasing those dreams Mr Unicorn.
(In the interests of fairness I should mention that I have always had a soft spot for Unicorns as I too have a mysterious horn sticking out of my forehead. The doctor identified it as “Mysterious mass of bone.” Thanks medical science!)
10/10
Hunters ep.1
Essentially Space Crusade for the iPhone. Stupidly addictive and when you kill people they make a satisfying “graak” noise. May or may not be related to Hunter: the Reckoning.
I give it a hunt out of hunt.
21/07/2011
I have been playing Warriors Orochi
Oda Nobugana appears to be a sort of Japanese version of Rasputin. That is to say an actual bearded historical figure who is constantly defamed in popular media by being cast as a villain and /or the actual devil. I say “appears to be” because my entire knowledge of east-asian history comes from scan reading a copy of “Orientialism” for a book review eight years ago.
Most of that book review was just this hilarious joke anyway
Man 1:“Edward Said”
Man 2: “What did he say”
Man 1: “No Edward Said!”
Man 2: “ I know he said something but WHAT did he say?”
Man 1: “Why I oughta, you’re richer than the Coney Island special and that’s twice I’ve said that!”
Man 2: “That’s easy for you to say wise guy!”
Man 1: “Yaeh but whatta it mean to me?”
Man 2: “Whatta-ever you want! Homana homana homana!”
Man 1: “So James Watt”
Man 2: “I don’t know what and don’t call me James!”
The point is that I got a 2:1 for that review despite only looking at the pictures in the book, the other point is that I have spent the week playing Warriors Orochi as Nobunaga. From this I learned that Nobunaga likes hitting men with a giant glowing sword and also that I’m glad the tuition at Sheffield University is so Eurocentric because all people in the east ever did was hit men with swords over and over again. He also liked to say “Its just that simple” but try asking him what he meant and you were likely to find yourself hit with his sword, just another number in the calculator of history!
It wouldn’t be so bad if when you hit the men they made a satisfying noise like “grghh” or “arghh” but all that happens is you kind of wave your weapons at them until they fall over like a fly slowly succumbing to the effects of Raid. Devil Kings is much better because at least you have more than three attacks but then fans of Asian history are probably going to go for Warriors Orochi because it has all the official names whereas in Devil Kings Nobunaga is just called “Devil King” and Nobunaga’s cousin is called “Eyepatch man”. This is a bit like how EA have all the proper teams in Fifa kicking wheras Konami have to have “Brian Priggs” and “Wazza”. Maybe they should team up with Koei and have Nobunaga as team captain? He would certainly “score” (hit) “some goals” (some men)! Then he would go to the restaurant called Nobu and kill everyone there so he could change the name to Nobu – Nobunaga edition.
Overall I award Warriors Orochi a Nobunaga’s Ambition out of fatal Fury: Wild Ambition.
Most of that book review was just this hilarious joke anyway
Man 1:“Edward Said”
Man 2: “What did he say”
Man 1: “No Edward Said!”
Man 2: “ I know he said something but WHAT did he say?”
Man 1: “Why I oughta, you’re richer than the Coney Island special and that’s twice I’ve said that!”
Man 2: “That’s easy for you to say wise guy!”
Man 1: “Yaeh but whatta it mean to me?”
Man 2: “Whatta-ever you want! Homana homana homana!”
Man 1: “So James Watt”
Man 2: “I don’t know what and don’t call me James!”
The point is that I got a 2:1 for that review despite only looking at the pictures in the book, the other point is that I have spent the week playing Warriors Orochi as Nobunaga. From this I learned that Nobunaga likes hitting men with a giant glowing sword and also that I’m glad the tuition at Sheffield University is so Eurocentric because all people in the east ever did was hit men with swords over and over again. He also liked to say “Its just that simple” but try asking him what he meant and you were likely to find yourself hit with his sword, just another number in the calculator of history!
It wouldn’t be so bad if when you hit the men they made a satisfying noise like “grghh” or “arghh” but all that happens is you kind of wave your weapons at them until they fall over like a fly slowly succumbing to the effects of Raid. Devil Kings is much better because at least you have more than three attacks but then fans of Asian history are probably going to go for Warriors Orochi because it has all the official names whereas in Devil Kings Nobunaga is just called “Devil King” and Nobunaga’s cousin is called “Eyepatch man”. This is a bit like how EA have all the proper teams in Fifa kicking wheras Konami have to have “Brian Priggs” and “Wazza”. Maybe they should team up with Koei and have Nobunaga as team captain? He would certainly “score” (hit) “some goals” (some men)! Then he would go to the restaurant called Nobu and kill everyone there so he could change the name to Nobu – Nobunaga edition.
Overall I award Warriors Orochi a Nobunaga’s Ambition out of fatal Fury: Wild Ambition.
15/07/2011
I have been playing Ghost Rider.
I have no recollection of buying Ghost Rider for the PS2. This is definitely for the best because it means that it probably didn’t cost very much and it also means that I have blanked out any abuse that might have been directed at me by the staff when I bought it. It’s a terrible game so at the very least I would have expected them to say “Here’s your game Chain-boy agnew” or “Don’t bring this back and pretend it’s broken, we have many copies GARGOYLE FACE.” If I could remember where I had bought it from I would fling the disc at high speed into the faces of those staff members. Sadly I am stuck with it and the memories of killing a thousand gargoyles with a chain.
If you really hate Gargoyles you will probably like this game because you get to kill so many of them or you might dislike it because of the appearance of gargoyles at all. It all depends on how tolerant you are of gargoyles. It’s not all Gargoyle slaying though! It’s actually only 95% gargoyle slaying because you also fight clowns, zombies with poles and a genetically altered shark monster.
There are also motorbike sections where you have to avoid big gaps in the road while whipping gargoyles riding garg-bikes. These sections are a little big like Road Rash but instead of being on the megadrive they feature gargoyles.
You might think that with all this gargoyle talk the last boss would be a giant gargoyle. (And it is) Like all giant bosses the gargoyle will stand next to a small platform and then try to slowly smash you with his hands. By dodging out of the way at the last minute you will be able to punch him on the hand. I am fed up of punching things in the hands on games, especially as if you were hurt by a small thing in real life i.e a wasp you would quickly withdraw your hand – not leave it there for a long time and you certainly wouldn’t put your face near the wasp.
Despite all this Ghostrider is strangely satisfying because it’s like playing Devil May Cry but instead of it being hard its very easy, also instead of cutscenes there is an amazing drawing of the caretaker from the film. Whenever you purchase an upgrade he says “Enjoy” in a cowboy voice and then you think that they probably couldn’t afford to pay anyone else from the film to be in it because there isn’t even a picture of Nicholas Cage. His face is literally ‘off’ the game eh readers!?? It also features a bit where you chase a vampire riding a big Jet Ski (he is riding the Jet Ski, you are riding your bike which has the power of driving on rivers.) The vampire also has a bit of a gargoyle face, but this game has you seeing gargoyles where there aren’t any.
Other good features of the game include
- A special resident evil style lab where sharks are made into shark-men. Witness the horror of a shark strapped to a table!
- The special attack where Ghost Rider screeches “Look into my eyes” (Yes fans I know this is his Penance Stare)
- A graveyard where zombies wink into existence with a flash of orange light.
- Unicycles
- Gargoyles
- Unlock classic Ghost Rider comics including rise of the midnight sons which haven’t been put out as a trade paperback yet because Marvel hates Morbius. Where is my Morbius collection marvel!?
- Be unable to read the comics due to it being on a television.
Overall I would give Ghost rider a well deserved “own this curse” out of gargoyle.
If you really hate Gargoyles you will probably like this game because you get to kill so many of them or you might dislike it because of the appearance of gargoyles at all. It all depends on how tolerant you are of gargoyles. It’s not all Gargoyle slaying though! It’s actually only 95% gargoyle slaying because you also fight clowns, zombies with poles and a genetically altered shark monster.
There are also motorbike sections where you have to avoid big gaps in the road while whipping gargoyles riding garg-bikes. These sections are a little big like Road Rash but instead of being on the megadrive they feature gargoyles.
You might think that with all this gargoyle talk the last boss would be a giant gargoyle. (And it is) Like all giant bosses the gargoyle will stand next to a small platform and then try to slowly smash you with his hands. By dodging out of the way at the last minute you will be able to punch him on the hand. I am fed up of punching things in the hands on games, especially as if you were hurt by a small thing in real life i.e a wasp you would quickly withdraw your hand – not leave it there for a long time and you certainly wouldn’t put your face near the wasp.
Despite all this Ghostrider is strangely satisfying because it’s like playing Devil May Cry but instead of it being hard its very easy, also instead of cutscenes there is an amazing drawing of the caretaker from the film. Whenever you purchase an upgrade he says “Enjoy” in a cowboy voice and then you think that they probably couldn’t afford to pay anyone else from the film to be in it because there isn’t even a picture of Nicholas Cage. His face is literally ‘off’ the game eh readers!?? It also features a bit where you chase a vampire riding a big Jet Ski (he is riding the Jet Ski, you are riding your bike which has the power of driving on rivers.) The vampire also has a bit of a gargoyle face, but this game has you seeing gargoyles where there aren’t any.
Other good features of the game include
- A special resident evil style lab where sharks are made into shark-men. Witness the horror of a shark strapped to a table!
- The special attack where Ghost Rider screeches “Look into my eyes” (Yes fans I know this is his Penance Stare)
- A graveyard where zombies wink into existence with a flash of orange light.
- Unicycles
- Gargoyles
- Unlock classic Ghost Rider comics including rise of the midnight sons which haven’t been put out as a trade paperback yet because Marvel hates Morbius. Where is my Morbius collection marvel!?
- Be unable to read the comics due to it being on a television.
Overall I would give Ghost rider a well deserved “own this curse” out of gargoyle.
06/07/2011
I have been playing Assasin's Creed II
Uncle Bisoft had an idea for a game where you had to punch a super Pope in the face until he dropped his pope-stick. The name of this game would be “Dynamic man Pontiff Puncher” and it was conceived as a spiritual sequel to Monkey Puncher only instead of Monkey’s it featured Super Popes. Studio heads liked the idea but the game soon found itself in development hell. (It was sent there by the Pope because punching popes in the face is blasphemous.) Dynamic Man Pontiff Puncher will probably never be released. Assassins’ Creed II was released ages ago and has a sequel, proof that Super Popes do indeed move in mysterious ways.
I’ve probably given the impression that Assassin’s Creed II is mostly about slapping around religious leaders, in reality this makes up at most 5% of the game. You spend the rest of the game wandering around Romeo and Juliet times wondering why anyone thought that adding an open world to Prince of Persia and then filling it with conspiracy theories would be a good idea. Uncle Bisoft says it’s because people don’t really like Italians so it’s easier to sympathise with the main character if he is actually the memories of a man called Desmond. He also says people don’t really like the olden days so it’s better to put in futuristic things like computers, Stargate style god-aliens and Danny Wallace. Perhaps the biggest conspiracy of all is how Danny Wallace manages to have a career because my DW career chart makes no sense.
The real question is “Why don’t any of my friends write a book about betting me they can find lots of people with the same name as them so that I can become successful and appear in Ubisoft games with the electric woman from Heroes?” I asked Uncle Bisoft about this and he says that it’s because my friends all have unusual names. This is a lie as we both know I have no friends.
Wallace aside it’s important to note that Assassin’s Creed II would probably have been better if they just actually set it in Italy and the plot was that you had to solve a political conspiracy that doesn’t involve magic apples. Most game plots are stupid but very rarely does a game work so hard do bury a fairly original setting under nonsense. I suggested to Uncle Bisoft that he had shot himself in the foot because eventually they would have to finish the story off with an Assassin’s Creed game set in Desmond times which nobody would buy. He shrugged his shoulders and said that if they can make people think Ezio was a likeable character then they can probably make anyone buy anything.
List of likeable attributes about Ezio
* Punches figureheads of major religions.
* Sleeps with prostitutes.
* Hugs people and then stabs them in the stomach with secret knife.
* Didn’t hug Leonardo Da’Vinci when he put his arms out for a cuddle. (Because it was a cut QTE during a cut scene and I had put the pad down to drink some apple juice.)
* Belongs to a secret order that influence events by killing heads of state.
* Runs along people’s rooftops destroying their hard earned masonry.
Likeable main character aside Assassin’s Creed II has problems, the main problem is that all the missions are boring and a lot of them involve following people very slowly so that you can fail to assassinate them until a later mission. They also involve giving you weapons and abilities that you never need to use because all you have to do is keep pressing X until you stab everyone. I took the opportunity to ask Uncle Bisoft how having a giant metal gauntlet with a knife that pops out on a spring is any different to just owning a knife and keeping it in your pocket – he declined to answer.
Overall I award Assasin’s Creed II a lowly Desmond Miles out of a Miles Prowler.
I’ve probably given the impression that Assassin’s Creed II is mostly about slapping around religious leaders, in reality this makes up at most 5% of the game. You spend the rest of the game wandering around Romeo and Juliet times wondering why anyone thought that adding an open world to Prince of Persia and then filling it with conspiracy theories would be a good idea. Uncle Bisoft says it’s because people don’t really like Italians so it’s easier to sympathise with the main character if he is actually the memories of a man called Desmond. He also says people don’t really like the olden days so it’s better to put in futuristic things like computers, Stargate style god-aliens and Danny Wallace. Perhaps the biggest conspiracy of all is how Danny Wallace manages to have a career because my DW career chart makes no sense.
The real question is “Why don’t any of my friends write a book about betting me they can find lots of people with the same name as them so that I can become successful and appear in Ubisoft games with the electric woman from Heroes?” I asked Uncle Bisoft about this and he says that it’s because my friends all have unusual names. This is a lie as we both know I have no friends.
Wallace aside it’s important to note that Assassin’s Creed II would probably have been better if they just actually set it in Italy and the plot was that you had to solve a political conspiracy that doesn’t involve magic apples. Most game plots are stupid but very rarely does a game work so hard do bury a fairly original setting under nonsense. I suggested to Uncle Bisoft that he had shot himself in the foot because eventually they would have to finish the story off with an Assassin’s Creed game set in Desmond times which nobody would buy. He shrugged his shoulders and said that if they can make people think Ezio was a likeable character then they can probably make anyone buy anything.
List of likeable attributes about Ezio
* Punches figureheads of major religions.
* Sleeps with prostitutes.
* Hugs people and then stabs them in the stomach with secret knife.
* Didn’t hug Leonardo Da’Vinci when he put his arms out for a cuddle. (Because it was a cut QTE during a cut scene and I had put the pad down to drink some apple juice.)
* Belongs to a secret order that influence events by killing heads of state.
* Runs along people’s rooftops destroying their hard earned masonry.
Likeable main character aside Assassin’s Creed II has problems, the main problem is that all the missions are boring and a lot of them involve following people very slowly so that you can fail to assassinate them until a later mission. They also involve giving you weapons and abilities that you never need to use because all you have to do is keep pressing X until you stab everyone. I took the opportunity to ask Uncle Bisoft how having a giant metal gauntlet with a knife that pops out on a spring is any different to just owning a knife and keeping it in your pocket – he declined to answer.
Overall I award Assasin’s Creed II a lowly Desmond Miles out of a Miles Prowler.
09/06/2011
Today's Work - Tockenheim #10
The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries –Tockenheim winds it up.
Renowned science-monger Thorwald Octavian conducting experiments into the nature of clocks. It seems like he might be on the verge of another cog related break through but things are about to go from “Clockwork Knight” to Block-Turk Fright!
Octavian: The power of a cog in my hands!
Science assistant Mordo: Octavian you’ve gone too far! The power of these cogs is too much, you’re going to cause a terrible gear reaction.
Octavian: Nonsense Mordo. Cog is a form of power and controlling power is what I do best!
Mordo: You need to stop this NOW!
He goes to grab the cog-ponents and a fight breaks out. Octavian accidentally pushes Mordo into a giant pendulum which causes all the gears to fizz and whirr in an unnatural fashion.
Octavian: My machines! My beautiful machines!
The cogs begin to emit a cloud of purple smoke which Octavian runs into.
Octavian: Nooooooo!
Mordo: Don’t be a fool Octavian!
There is a bright flash and the smoke clears – however there is no sign of Octavian. The stone science guard statues are activated.
Science Guard Altor: Disturbance detected. Please explain human.
Mordo: I can’t explain it. Thorwald Octavian has……..disappeared.
Science Guard Altor: Situation too complex for my limestone brain to compute. I must call for backup.
Using his slate powered wi-fi signal Altor sends out an SOS call to Inspector Tockenheim. It’s not long before the great man himself is at the scene using his patented Tock-Gate – space time transportation portal generator. Following behind is the ever useless Constable Cogsworthy.
Cogsworthy: Blimey Inspector. It looks a right mess. I thought this was a place of Science not a place of ruckus.
Tockenheim: It’s clear that some unusual events have taken place Constable. I already got the facts from the reliable stone guardian. A leading Science-monger has gone missing, maybe even the greatest mind of the age. Thorwold Octavian, creator of the gear powered loom.
Cogsworthy: Zounds! If a brain box like that can get himself absconded what hope do the rest of us have?
Tockenheim: I’ve always said that you had no hope anyway Cogsworthy. As for the good doctor I believe I have already deduced his location.
Mordo: Then please inspector, tell us where he is!?
Tockenheim: I thought a man of your science credentials might have already guessed. I’m disappointed with you Mordo. You see Octavian has accidentally been transported to the world inside of his clocks known as the “Cog world”.
Mordo: I must protest Tockenheim. Everyone knows that you can’t go inside clocks, you would just get ground up by the gears or get yourself hit on the head with pendulums.
Tockenehim: Oh really? Have you never thought about the transfer of minutes inside the clock? They travel through the gears as if down a coggy pathway. What might those minutes look like? Cars? Bikes? People!? The Cog World does exist and what’s more we are going to have to visit the cog world in order to rescue Octavian.
Mordo: But how? Octavian got their by accident. It would take years to replicate the experiment…
Tockenheim: Maybe so. But by tracking the gear energy with my illuminati pendantI can use my patented Tock-Gate – space time transportation portal generator to send us to the cog-world and even more importantly get us back out!
He activates the portal to the cog world and suddenly they find themselves in a strange clockwork landscape surrounded by men in sprocket suits.
Gog: More intruders! Quickly capture them!
The sprocket men advance on Tockenheim and company However they do not reckon on the power of the illuminati pendant which Tockenheim uses to fire out many Tocken-beams. The beams send anything they hit back to Aztec times and soon all but one of the sprocket men find themselves on top of blocky pyramids.
Sprocket Man Zeb: Please spare me, I’ll do anything you want
Tockenheim: Tell us where you took Thorwald Octavian and quick about it lest you find yourself in ziggurat times!
Zeb: We took him to the great citadel of our master The all powerful Hans!
He points to a faraway spire - indicating the location of the citadel
Meanwhile in the citadel of Master Hans, Octavian is being shouted at in an uncalled for manner
Hans: Tell us how you got into the cog world!
Octavian: It was an accident I don’t know….. I swear…….
Hans: Lies! That would be like coming through a door and then not remembering the door.
Octavian: Sometimes I don’t remember doors, I’m a busy man.
Hans: You expect me to believe that!? If you don’t talk soon I’ll have your head on a cog!
Suddenly Tockenheim rides in on a stolen cog-cycle
Tockenheim: I don’t think so Hans! Release that man now or feel the fury of Cortez!
Hans: Your Tocken Beams don’t frighten me Tockenheim or should I say BIG BROTHER?
Cogsworthy: What does he mean by that Inspector?
Hans: You mean you never told them? Are you ashamed of me?
Tockenheim: I’m ashamed of any man that would inflict such violence of a coggy world! You might have been my brother once but now you are just a gear in the machine of evil.
Cogsworthy: Brother!??
Hans: That’s right! I am Hans Tickenheim the brother of the great Inspector Tockenheim and also the master of the stonemason pendulum. I bet you never expected to find me here, eh brother?
Tockenheim: That’s where you’re wrong Hans! I knew all along you had taken over the cog world as I have the secret ability to talk to clocks.
Hans: Then why did you walk into my trap?
Tockenheim: Because this isn’t your trap at all…its MY TRAP!
Suddenly millions of gear men appear brandishing giant clock hands surrounding Tickenheim.
Tockenheim: You’re under arrest Hans – take him away boys.
The gear men drag Hans away screaming.
Tockenheim: He’ll have plenty of TIME to think about his crimes.
All: Hhahahahahah
Fin
Today's Work - Carnival Blaze
The continuing adventures of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator.
Int – The HR department of Juno Island county council. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator has been called to the desk of section head Desmond Broderbund.
Broderbund: About time Blaze! Office hours are 9:00 – 5:00 and you’re sauntering in at 9:30.
Blaze: Sorry chief I was taking some of the flexi time I built up dealing with the fall out from the computerised sick pay debacle. Oh I forgot you don’t remember that because you were on a sabbatical! Must be nice to be able to take all that time off Desmond.
Broderbund: Don’t you cheek me Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. You might think you’re a hot shot but you aren’t bigger than this department! Just look at all this paperwork, half the timesheets haven’t even been initialled.
Blaze: I might bend the rules a little but I always get results. Maybe if you came down from your ivory tower now and then you’d realise what it’s really like out there. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a pile of p6 notifications the size of a mule and an ulcer to match…
He turns to leave
Broderbund: Don’t you walk away from me Carnival or so help me…!
Blaze leaves pushing past assistant section head Lorelei De’Winter
De’Winter: That guy certainly has an attitude, I don’t know why you take that crap Desmond.
Broderbund fishes out a hip flask from his desk and takes a swig.
Broderbund: Because I have to Lorelei…because I have to….
Int Meeting room A.5 - The bi- monthly operational services / regeneration cross departmental team briefing. Attendees are head of operations Alistair Cable, sub chair of regeneration policy Jim Hoover and I.T. consultant Toshi Yashamura.
Cable: Have the systems been set up?
Yashamura: Sir I uploaded the information as requested but shouldn’t we give some sort of warning to HR? I mean the checklists alone are going to take months, never mind the actual calculations.
Cable: Oh I think not, you see by dumping this major restructure on HR we can finally be rid of that irritating department. Then I will be free to hire all my staff based on nepotism!
Yashamura: But that’s highly unorthodox, you’ll never get away with it. I’ve got to go warn them…
Cable: I don’t think you’ll be doing that Mr Yashamura. Allow me to introduce you to my jobless nephews!
Two burly men step out of the shadows and grasp Mr Yashamura.
Cable: Now Mr Yashamaura my two nephews are going to take you outside and have a little chat about the difficulties of finding a summer job. With the increase in student loans they have to fund their studies somehow.
They drag Mr Yashamura off kicking and screaming.
Cable: Now nothing can stop us Jim. There’s no way HR will have the time to enforce employment law, you’ll even be able to get your idiot son off benefits. After all ANYONE can work the photocopier HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Hoover: I don’t know Alistair, I hear they have some hot shot administrator in there. Apparently he once calculated overpayment invoices for the entire highways division and some of the elements went into the previous financial year!
Cable: You mean Carnival Blaze. Don’t worry I believe something is going to come up that will keep him occupied….
He picks up the phone
Cable: Yes hello it’s Alistair. Could you do me a favour….
Int – The desk of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator is on the telephone.
Blaze: Look friend, Mr Peterson has been on an emergency tax code for two months and I’ll be dammed if he stays on it for a third.
Tax office (via telephone): Hey the notification musta got lost in the mail. There aint nothing I can do buddy.
Blaze: Listen ‘Buddy’ either you get that notification faxed through today or I’m going to come over their and file my returns personally. You get my drift!
Tax Office: I’ll see what I can do.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator clicks the receiver and makes another call.
Blaze: Mr Peterson – I think we did it!
Mr Peterson: God bless you Mr Blaze, now my children can eat. I can’t thank you enough.
Blaze: It’s my job Mr Peterson. Now take care.
He puts the phone down in time to see Desmond Broderbund approach the desk.
Blaze: A visit from the chief. To what do I owe this great DIShonour?
Broderbund: Listen Blaze cut the wise cracks. I have a serious job here and we both know you’re the only one that can handle it. But I want it on the down low see? If this gets out we’re gonna have a riot on our hands.
Blaze: I’m listening.
Broderbund: Seems some dame in customer services found out her contract changed in 1996 to give her half an extra days holiday a year. Trouble is the managers were never informed so she never got to take that .5 a year and now she wants it all.
Blaze: You mean.
Broderbund: That’s right pay arrears going back to 1996. Jesus Christ Blaze our system only goes back to 2001. And she isn’t the only one. The thing is we can’t just throw money at these people, we need to make sure they didn’t take the leave.
Blaze: Let me guess you want me to get those files out of storage and clear up this whole mess. Right?
Broderbund: That’s right Blaze. I’d see it as a personal favour, might even make some of those sick days you took “go away” if you know what I mean.
Blaze: Look chief if I do this I’m doing it for the right reasons. For those people that should’ve been spending time with their families but never got to because pencil pushers like you forgot to shift the numbers around. I had a note for those sick days and I aint ashamed. You got a problem with work related stress that’s your prerogative but I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let you bend the rules for an easy life.
Broderbund: Look Blaze, I didn’t mean anything by it.
Blaze: No YOU look Chief. I’m an administrator. It’s not just what I do it’s who I am so don’t treat me like some no account agency worker. Call Jenny and let her know I’m coming down to the archive.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator storms out. Broderdund picks up the phone.
Broderbund: Hi Jenny, it’s me Desmond. I’m sending Blaze down to pull some files, give him access to anything he needs.
Int Juno County Council Archives. Archivist Jenny Carter is examining box files and writing on a clip board. Enter Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator
Carter: Hello Carnival, keeping yourself out of trouble?
Blaze: Trying to Jenny.
Carter: That’s not what I hear from Desmond.
Blaze: Hah that desk jockey thinks anything that isn’t triple stamped is trouble. I remember the hierarchy reorganisation of 1998. Now THAT was trouble.
Carter: The good old days huh?
Blaze: I aint never worn rose tinted glasses Jenny and I’m not about to put some on now. Things did seem much ….simpler back then. Everyone knew who did the admin and who did the data input. Now…..I’m just not so sure anymore….
Carter: Least you got to see the changes. Joey would have been on scale pt 16 by now…if only I’d reminded him about the private and confidential stamp.
Blaze: What happened to your brother wasn’t your fault Jenny. The kid got careless that’s all, paid for it with his p45.
Carter: Yep he’s with Office Angels now…..
She wipes away a tear
Carter: Sorry Carnival, don’t know what came over me. Desmond says you need to see some files.
Blaze: Yeah I need everything you got on Veranda Timmons, employee number 95678.
Carter goes to a bank of cupboards and pulls out a long metal drawer.
Carter: This is her. Early records are pretty decayed by now. This place isn’t what you call a sealed environment.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator leans forward and starts thumbing through the documents.
Blaze: Jeez what a mess.
Carter: I’ll leave you two alone…
She turns to leave
Blaze: Wait, what’s this?
He picks a document out of the pile.
Carter: Looks like her original application form to me.
Blaze: Yeah but look at that scoring matrix. No way she should have ever been called to interview, let alone got the job. Do we have the interview records for the other candidates?
Carter: Well technically we are supposed to destroy them after two years. Lucky for you I started scanning everything that came through here just in case.
Blaze: Sometimes I could kiss you.
Carter: Sometimes I might let you…
She brings up the application forms on her computer. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator peers over the monitor.
Blaze: Look at this, every question answered perfectly and yet Miss Timmons gets the job.
Carter: Maybe she didn’t give a firm enough handshake.
Blaze: I don’t think so. Look at these other candidates, they all answered more confidently and covered relevant key words in their answers. There’s something rotten going on here and it smells worse than a fish in a flop house.
Carter: Who conducted this farce?
Blaze: The head of department at the time would have been Brian Wilks so he should have conducted the interview.
Carter: Yes he should have but according to this he was taken ill very suddenly, bad case of food poisoning and someone had to step in. They got in the assistant customer care manager…Alistair Cable.
Blaze: Shit this was all a set up. I need to get back to the office NOW.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator rushes off. Carter continues to go through the files.
Int – The HR office. Paper is flying everywhere and the staff are extremely harried.
Alistair Cable is harassing Desmond Broderbund.
Cable: If your department doesn’t get this done by the end of the week the higher ups are threatening to outsource all this work to the Congo.
Broderbund: But Alistair we never had any warning, how are we supposed to cope with all this. Surely some of this should have been done by operations.
Cable: That’s not the way the bosses see it Desmond. These changes have been in the pipeline for years so you should have been preparing.
Broderbund: I know , I know… I just don’t think we can get this one done. I might have to request AGENCY STAFF.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator barges into the offices.
Blaze: I don’t think that will be necessary chief!
Broderbund: Blaze, I thought you were tied up.
Blaze (Glancing at Alistair Cable): I’m sure that was Mr Cable’s intention when he got Veranda Timmons to send us on a wild goose chase.
Cable: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean!
Blaze: Oh I think you do Mr Cable. I think you hired Miss Timmons even though she wasn’t qualified because you were a little sweet on her. Who can blame you? A looker like that waltzes through my door first day I’m doing interviews maybe I’d be tempted too. Thing is now you’re a big shot she feels like she owes you because she knows she can’t do that job properly, maybe she makes up a little story about holiday pay to get me out of the office while you go in for the big score.
Cable: I don’t have to take this….
He goes to leave but Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator pushes him down onto a chair.
Blaze: I say you do Mr Cable because I have evidence to suggest that you have been hiring people based on personal preference rather than ability!
Cable: You’ll never make it stick Blaze! Everyone knows that interview performance is subjective.
Blaze: That might be true Mr Cable but I also know when people are trying to get me out of the way. Especially when they know that I’m the only one from this office who has the skills to read these restructure guidance notes in details. (he turns to Broderbund) It might interest you to know chief that we cannot action any document without the authorisation of the head of the responsible department, in this case that would be Mr Cable here. In short he has to sign ALL of these before we do anything with them.
Cable: But that would take…
Blaze: Weeks!? Probably Mr Cable in which time this department will be able to roll out a proper training program to get staff up to speed and maybe even take on some temporary staff to cover toe increased workload. I doubt they’ll need them though because I’ll be finished with Miss Timmons pay request by then and let’s just say I feel like doing some ….overtime.
Alistair Cable stands on his chair.
Cable: Dammit Blaze don’t you understand!? Because of your department we have to interview for every post – even the ones a monkey could do. Is it so wrong to want to live in a world governed by common sense? I took this job to get things done, not to get wrapped up in red tape. You might have got me this time, but there are others like me…thousands of us and we are never going to stop. You can’t keep us all down blaze, you just….arghhhhh
Cables rants so enthusiastically that he topples off the chair and hits his head.
Blaze: Better put a call in to Occ health chief.
He turns to leave
Broderbund: Hey Blaze….thanks
Blaze: I’ve got work to do.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator steps outside and is met by Jenny Carter.
Carter: What if he’s right? What if this is just the beginning?
Blaze: Then we better hope our paperwork is in order….
Meanwhile in the accounts payable section, Jim Hoover kneels before a mysterious figure.
Hoover: I’m afraid Alistair has failed but we’ve taken steps to make sure he doesn’t let the cat out of the bag.
We see Cable in the corner with his mouth stapled shut.
Mysterious figure: It is of little consequence. Mr Cable always thought he knew more than he did, and his little scheme was never truly part of my plans. I just wanted to see how Mr Blaze would react. I must say he exceeded even my expectations.
Hoover: Do you think he’ll be a problem?
Mysterious figure: (Playing with a document) I don’t think so…not in the long term ahhahahahaha
He puts down the document revealing it to be Carnival Blaze’s P45, a staple is driven through the word “Blaze”
To be continued….
Int – The HR department of Juno Island county council. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator has been called to the desk of section head Desmond Broderbund.
Broderbund: About time Blaze! Office hours are 9:00 – 5:00 and you’re sauntering in at 9:30.
Blaze: Sorry chief I was taking some of the flexi time I built up dealing with the fall out from the computerised sick pay debacle. Oh I forgot you don’t remember that because you were on a sabbatical! Must be nice to be able to take all that time off Desmond.
Broderbund: Don’t you cheek me Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. You might think you’re a hot shot but you aren’t bigger than this department! Just look at all this paperwork, half the timesheets haven’t even been initialled.
Blaze: I might bend the rules a little but I always get results. Maybe if you came down from your ivory tower now and then you’d realise what it’s really like out there. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a pile of p6 notifications the size of a mule and an ulcer to match…
He turns to leave
Broderbund: Don’t you walk away from me Carnival or so help me…!
Blaze leaves pushing past assistant section head Lorelei De’Winter
De’Winter: That guy certainly has an attitude, I don’t know why you take that crap Desmond.
Broderbund fishes out a hip flask from his desk and takes a swig.
Broderbund: Because I have to Lorelei…because I have to….
Int Meeting room A.5 - The bi- monthly operational services / regeneration cross departmental team briefing. Attendees are head of operations Alistair Cable, sub chair of regeneration policy Jim Hoover and I.T. consultant Toshi Yashamura.
Cable: Have the systems been set up?
Yashamura: Sir I uploaded the information as requested but shouldn’t we give some sort of warning to HR? I mean the checklists alone are going to take months, never mind the actual calculations.
Cable: Oh I think not, you see by dumping this major restructure on HR we can finally be rid of that irritating department. Then I will be free to hire all my staff based on nepotism!
Yashamura: But that’s highly unorthodox, you’ll never get away with it. I’ve got to go warn them…
Cable: I don’t think you’ll be doing that Mr Yashamura. Allow me to introduce you to my jobless nephews!
Two burly men step out of the shadows and grasp Mr Yashamura.
Cable: Now Mr Yashamaura my two nephews are going to take you outside and have a little chat about the difficulties of finding a summer job. With the increase in student loans they have to fund their studies somehow.
They drag Mr Yashamura off kicking and screaming.
Cable: Now nothing can stop us Jim. There’s no way HR will have the time to enforce employment law, you’ll even be able to get your idiot son off benefits. After all ANYONE can work the photocopier HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Hoover: I don’t know Alistair, I hear they have some hot shot administrator in there. Apparently he once calculated overpayment invoices for the entire highways division and some of the elements went into the previous financial year!
Cable: You mean Carnival Blaze. Don’t worry I believe something is going to come up that will keep him occupied….
He picks up the phone
Cable: Yes hello it’s Alistair. Could you do me a favour….
Int – The desk of Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator is on the telephone.
Blaze: Look friend, Mr Peterson has been on an emergency tax code for two months and I’ll be dammed if he stays on it for a third.
Tax office (via telephone): Hey the notification musta got lost in the mail. There aint nothing I can do buddy.
Blaze: Listen ‘Buddy’ either you get that notification faxed through today or I’m going to come over their and file my returns personally. You get my drift!
Tax Office: I’ll see what I can do.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator clicks the receiver and makes another call.
Blaze: Mr Peterson – I think we did it!
Mr Peterson: God bless you Mr Blaze, now my children can eat. I can’t thank you enough.
Blaze: It’s my job Mr Peterson. Now take care.
He puts the phone down in time to see Desmond Broderbund approach the desk.
Blaze: A visit from the chief. To what do I owe this great DIShonour?
Broderbund: Listen Blaze cut the wise cracks. I have a serious job here and we both know you’re the only one that can handle it. But I want it on the down low see? If this gets out we’re gonna have a riot on our hands.
Blaze: I’m listening.
Broderbund: Seems some dame in customer services found out her contract changed in 1996 to give her half an extra days holiday a year. Trouble is the managers were never informed so she never got to take that .5 a year and now she wants it all.
Blaze: You mean.
Broderbund: That’s right pay arrears going back to 1996. Jesus Christ Blaze our system only goes back to 2001. And she isn’t the only one. The thing is we can’t just throw money at these people, we need to make sure they didn’t take the leave.
Blaze: Let me guess you want me to get those files out of storage and clear up this whole mess. Right?
Broderbund: That’s right Blaze. I’d see it as a personal favour, might even make some of those sick days you took “go away” if you know what I mean.
Blaze: Look chief if I do this I’m doing it for the right reasons. For those people that should’ve been spending time with their families but never got to because pencil pushers like you forgot to shift the numbers around. I had a note for those sick days and I aint ashamed. You got a problem with work related stress that’s your prerogative but I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let you bend the rules for an easy life.
Broderbund: Look Blaze, I didn’t mean anything by it.
Blaze: No YOU look Chief. I’m an administrator. It’s not just what I do it’s who I am so don’t treat me like some no account agency worker. Call Jenny and let her know I’m coming down to the archive.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator storms out. Broderdund picks up the phone.
Broderbund: Hi Jenny, it’s me Desmond. I’m sending Blaze down to pull some files, give him access to anything he needs.
Int Juno County Council Archives. Archivist Jenny Carter is examining box files and writing on a clip board. Enter Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator
Carter: Hello Carnival, keeping yourself out of trouble?
Blaze: Trying to Jenny.
Carter: That’s not what I hear from Desmond.
Blaze: Hah that desk jockey thinks anything that isn’t triple stamped is trouble. I remember the hierarchy reorganisation of 1998. Now THAT was trouble.
Carter: The good old days huh?
Blaze: I aint never worn rose tinted glasses Jenny and I’m not about to put some on now. Things did seem much ….simpler back then. Everyone knew who did the admin and who did the data input. Now…..I’m just not so sure anymore….
Carter: Least you got to see the changes. Joey would have been on scale pt 16 by now…if only I’d reminded him about the private and confidential stamp.
Blaze: What happened to your brother wasn’t your fault Jenny. The kid got careless that’s all, paid for it with his p45.
Carter: Yep he’s with Office Angels now…..
She wipes away a tear
Carter: Sorry Carnival, don’t know what came over me. Desmond says you need to see some files.
Blaze: Yeah I need everything you got on Veranda Timmons, employee number 95678.
Carter goes to a bank of cupboards and pulls out a long metal drawer.
Carter: This is her. Early records are pretty decayed by now. This place isn’t what you call a sealed environment.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator leans forward and starts thumbing through the documents.
Blaze: Jeez what a mess.
Carter: I’ll leave you two alone…
She turns to leave
Blaze: Wait, what’s this?
He picks a document out of the pile.
Carter: Looks like her original application form to me.
Blaze: Yeah but look at that scoring matrix. No way she should have ever been called to interview, let alone got the job. Do we have the interview records for the other candidates?
Carter: Well technically we are supposed to destroy them after two years. Lucky for you I started scanning everything that came through here just in case.
Blaze: Sometimes I could kiss you.
Carter: Sometimes I might let you…
She brings up the application forms on her computer. Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator peers over the monitor.
Blaze: Look at this, every question answered perfectly and yet Miss Timmons gets the job.
Carter: Maybe she didn’t give a firm enough handshake.
Blaze: I don’t think so. Look at these other candidates, they all answered more confidently and covered relevant key words in their answers. There’s something rotten going on here and it smells worse than a fish in a flop house.
Carter: Who conducted this farce?
Blaze: The head of department at the time would have been Brian Wilks so he should have conducted the interview.
Carter: Yes he should have but according to this he was taken ill very suddenly, bad case of food poisoning and someone had to step in. They got in the assistant customer care manager…Alistair Cable.
Blaze: Shit this was all a set up. I need to get back to the office NOW.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator rushes off. Carter continues to go through the files.
Int – The HR office. Paper is flying everywhere and the staff are extremely harried.
Alistair Cable is harassing Desmond Broderbund.
Cable: If your department doesn’t get this done by the end of the week the higher ups are threatening to outsource all this work to the Congo.
Broderbund: But Alistair we never had any warning, how are we supposed to cope with all this. Surely some of this should have been done by operations.
Cable: That’s not the way the bosses see it Desmond. These changes have been in the pipeline for years so you should have been preparing.
Broderbund: I know , I know… I just don’t think we can get this one done. I might have to request AGENCY STAFF.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator barges into the offices.
Blaze: I don’t think that will be necessary chief!
Broderbund: Blaze, I thought you were tied up.
Blaze (Glancing at Alistair Cable): I’m sure that was Mr Cable’s intention when he got Veranda Timmons to send us on a wild goose chase.
Cable: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean!
Blaze: Oh I think you do Mr Cable. I think you hired Miss Timmons even though she wasn’t qualified because you were a little sweet on her. Who can blame you? A looker like that waltzes through my door first day I’m doing interviews maybe I’d be tempted too. Thing is now you’re a big shot she feels like she owes you because she knows she can’t do that job properly, maybe she makes up a little story about holiday pay to get me out of the office while you go in for the big score.
Cable: I don’t have to take this….
He goes to leave but Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator pushes him down onto a chair.
Blaze: I say you do Mr Cable because I have evidence to suggest that you have been hiring people based on personal preference rather than ability!
Cable: You’ll never make it stick Blaze! Everyone knows that interview performance is subjective.
Blaze: That might be true Mr Cable but I also know when people are trying to get me out of the way. Especially when they know that I’m the only one from this office who has the skills to read these restructure guidance notes in details. (he turns to Broderbund) It might interest you to know chief that we cannot action any document without the authorisation of the head of the responsible department, in this case that would be Mr Cable here. In short he has to sign ALL of these before we do anything with them.
Cable: But that would take…
Blaze: Weeks!? Probably Mr Cable in which time this department will be able to roll out a proper training program to get staff up to speed and maybe even take on some temporary staff to cover toe increased workload. I doubt they’ll need them though because I’ll be finished with Miss Timmons pay request by then and let’s just say I feel like doing some ….overtime.
Alistair Cable stands on his chair.
Cable: Dammit Blaze don’t you understand!? Because of your department we have to interview for every post – even the ones a monkey could do. Is it so wrong to want to live in a world governed by common sense? I took this job to get things done, not to get wrapped up in red tape. You might have got me this time, but there are others like me…thousands of us and we are never going to stop. You can’t keep us all down blaze, you just….arghhhhh
Cables rants so enthusiastically that he topples off the chair and hits his head.
Blaze: Better put a call in to Occ health chief.
He turns to leave
Broderbund: Hey Blaze….thanks
Blaze: I’ve got work to do.
Carnival Blaze: Office Administrator steps outside and is met by Jenny Carter.
Carter: What if he’s right? What if this is just the beginning?
Blaze: Then we better hope our paperwork is in order….
Meanwhile in the accounts payable section, Jim Hoover kneels before a mysterious figure.
Hoover: I’m afraid Alistair has failed but we’ve taken steps to make sure he doesn’t let the cat out of the bag.
We see Cable in the corner with his mouth stapled shut.
Mysterious figure: It is of little consequence. Mr Cable always thought he knew more than he did, and his little scheme was never truly part of my plans. I just wanted to see how Mr Blaze would react. I must say he exceeded even my expectations.
Hoover: Do you think he’ll be a problem?
Mysterious figure: (Playing with a document) I don’t think so…not in the long term ahhahahahaha
He puts down the document revealing it to be Carnival Blaze’s P45, a staple is driven through the word “Blaze”
To be continued….
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