Today's Work - Lets Dactor

Here is a good thing to do – confuse a thing with another thing of the same name for comic effect. i.e. I tried watching the X-Factor but was very disappointed as it was nothing like the comics and didn’t even feature the Multiple Man!  Unfortunately this never happened. What did happen is that I don’t own a television any more so I don’t have to watch shit like this. (And might I take the opportunity to thank all the major TV channels for destroying their business model by providing ad free programming on their respective websites without making us pay a TV license. ) Here are my guesses about what is happening on the X-factor right now, if someone would like to confirm my suspicions I would be most grateful.

Behold (optic blast)



Judges

Simon Callow – Simon Callow is a popular actor having appeared in both Doctor Who (as Charles Dickens) AND Street Fighter the Movie (as a nervous boat salesman) a career path mirrored by Kylie Minogue ( Waitress and Cammy) and Christopher Eccleston (Doctor and Vulcano Rosso). However he also owns all the music in the world and he uses this power to make withering remarks at potential pop stars. “That was the worst thing I have ever heard and I once heard a man being paper clipped to a fan”. Even now Callow uses his media empire to manipulate members of the public into watching his nonsense television shows and buying his CD’s. The archenemy of Simon Callow is Napster.

Louis Walsh – Much like Louis from Inspector Morse Louis Walsh is totally useless. What is the point of him other than that he can always convince Westlife to appear on the final episode and sing a duet with his character. Louis Walsh is well rubbish.

Cheryl Cole – Aww lovely Cheryl Cole commonly held to be the sexiest woman in the entire universe but lest we forget that she is a massive racist who assaulted a woman over a Chupa Chup lolly. Her main role is to cry when people sing ballads and never say anything negative so that people don’t remember was a hateful, violent woman she really is.

Minouge – Minouge is a giant spider from the future who absorbs the souls of young men in order to keep looking youthful. The proof of this is her bony elbows and the fact that her whole face opens up into a giant mouth like the Manjini from Resident Evil 5. Apart from this her main job is to make inappropriate sexual comments about the male contestants. It’s a shame the male judges aren’t allowed to comment on how much they would like to ‘destroy’ the young girls that enter, but then the looks on the face of Simon Callow say it all. (Looks of lust). I don’t think Minouge ever speaks she just makes noises like a fox with a bottle trappedin its throat.



Contestants

Henry Dent – Henry Dent is a bland youngster who has a mysterious fog instead of a face and white noise instead of opinions. He comes from a salt of the earth (common) background and his main concerns are telling everyone how much he loves his Nan and how he wants to win the X-Factor in memory of his dead Kestrel. Everyone thinks he is ‘lovely’ because he looks like he is going to cry whenever he sings – this is actually because he cannot remember the words and has to concentrate to avoid toppling over sideways. In reality Henry severely beats his girlfriend as he is too stupid to articulate his feelings of anger in other more constructive ways i.e. by making a blog that nobody reads. In the press he is known as Hezzer.

Song – A song about his mother (by Westlife)
Style -  Robot with experimental emotion chip.
Chance of winning – High (Provided no one finds out about all the prostitutes he has slept with.)

Blyth Fennnington – Blyth looks a lot like Henry apart from his receding hair which he covers up with a variety of trilbies and flat caps. His main weakness is that he is middle class and so the public consider him arrogant for his ability to construct a proper sentence. Halfway through the series he will attempt to become more likeable by crying when he see’s his parents, however their living room furniture is far too tasteful and people hate him even more.

Song – A big band version of absolutely everything.
Style – Competent
Change of winning – Slim

Reticule – After being given such a stupid name by his parents the only job Reticule could ever do is ‘pop star’. He tried applying for other jobs but the forms always say “First Name” “Last Name” but he only has one name and that name is Reticule. Furthermore Reticule also has silly hair and a suit made of clovers, these were nothing to do with his parents but as the saying goes “In for a penny crayon, in for a pound sterling”. Everyone hates him except for students who think he is leg end mega lolls. However he can never win because the only people that actually vote in the X-Factor are middle aged women and sex offenders under house arrest.

Song – A song he wrote himself called “Caught in the Reticule”
Style – Volume and Sparkles.
Chance of winning – Slim (unless you consider a permanent marquis at Butlins a victory)

Dario Tassimo – Dario is the token foreign entry and he is mainly only allowed in because he is useless and it lets everyone laugh at foreigners without being accused of racism. Even though his foreign clowning is the most entertaining aspect of the show people are absolutely furious that he continues to progress in the competition while really dull people who are technically better singers are knocked out as no one can remember their names. This is all a scheme by Simon Callow to add a bit of drama to proceedings and provide a pretext for some pretend arguments between the judges. (Probably leading to Louis Walsh storming off for a week) Dario isn’t that bothered about winning the competition, he just wants to stay in the country long enough to get his asylum papers through and then its back to his Dodrio ranch.

Song – Something ‘well random’ from the 90’s.
Style – Hilariously un English
Chance of winning – Nil


Charlemagne Potts – A screechy woman with a big nose and the ability to cry almost constantly. She gets on everyone’s nerves but people feel duty bound to vote for her because she is good at doing many different notes.  She will eventually be voted out when she tries to do a ‘sexy dance’ which disturbs the nation.

Song – Ballad (of Bilbo Baggins)
Style – Insane lyrical trills.
Chance of winning – Fair to Middler


Ferrous Mews – Metal Gear Solid 2 tells the story of Raiden an attempt to replicate the legendary hero Solid Snake by artificially shaping the events of his life to match those of the ‘Shadow Moses’ incident. It is also the story of how people are idiots because they say Raiden is rubbish even though he had EXACTLY THE SAME abilities as snake AND had nicer hair. “Blah blah too many whiney codec conversations” have you ever played Metal Gear Solid? Half the game is Snake blathering on down his codec “I wish I hadn’t killed my dad even though it turns out he wasn’t really my dad and I didn’t actually kill him etc” AND he doesn’t get to wave a samurai sword about.

Anyway Ferrous Mews is a similar attempt to replicate Cheryl Cole, however these attempts always fail because no one is allowed to mention how she committed a racist assault even though it is a core part of her personality. Much like Cheryl, Ferrous is considered ‘good hearted’ because she keeps going on about whatever shit northern town she is from.

Song – That song Cheryl Cole did about being dressed as M.Bison.
Style – CQC
Chance of winning – Fission Mailed.



Sh8Zm – Sh8Zm follow the X-Factor tradition of ugly girl bands with rubbish names featuring X’s and Z’s. That is because girls are rubbish at thinking of names for things and always have stupid ideas like using the first letter of each name or thinking they are better looking than they actually are. The individual members of Sh8Zm are virtually unknown because TV producers still haven’t found a way to build a compelling narrative for a group the same way they have for working class dunderheads with poorly uncles. Sh8Zm will be at the bottom of the league tables for weeks and will eventually be forced out to the surprise of no one. That’s what they get for putting four part harmonies into songs meant to be sung by one man.

Song – All by myself
Style – Walking forward in sync
Chance of winning – Unlikely


Jazzbot – Jazzbot are a sort of mowtown tribute act who spend much of their time walking down stairs. They like to put rapping bits in theirs songs to prove that they are ‘Final Fight: Streetwise” even though in reality they all come from Devon. Jazzbot suffer the same narrative problems as Sh8Zm but stay in the competition a little longer because women think they are ‘well fit’.  The main gimmick of Jazzbot is that CJ has blades  for arms.

Song – Reach Out (I’ll be there) but with a rap in the middle
Style – Boys 2 Men Lite
Chance of winning - Average


James Tamworth – At 10 years old James is the youngest person in England. The fact that he can even open his mouth at all is amazing so for him to be able to sing is the equivalent of a dog with psychic powers. We are supposed to feel sorry for James because someone was mean to him at school but it probably serves him right for being a precocious twat. Secretly we are all willing him to fail and get sent back to school where he will get his head kicked in by bullies AND be several months behind in his GCSE work, that’ll learn him to try and make something of his life. Near the end of the series there will be a bit where he goes back to school and people will be cheering and holding up banners and then you think that must be lies because if someone from my school did quite well in the x-factor I would be jealous of them and would probably try to cut out their vocal chords with a shoe.

Song – Where is love?
Style – Simpering stage school brat.
Chance of winning – Depend entirely on when his voice breaks.


Mary Felton – Mary Felton battles for female equality by being fat from eating too much cake and wearing unflattering dresses. She is described as having a powerful voice but in reality she just has a big mouth from eating many big pieces of food and the ability to shout loudly gained from ordering many Happy Meals in crowded McDonalds. In later life she will be involved in a scandal where she flays the skin of the bones of a man by shouting at him very loudly.

Song – Goldfinger
Style – Banshee Wail
Chance of winning – A fat woman has already won the X-Factor so it probably won’t happen again.


David Renquist – Poor David has spent over 50 years working as a bin man/coalminer/phone sex operative but his real passion has always been singing. He does get paid work singing in pubs on a Saturday night but the patrons are more interested in drinking their pints! He looks mournfully at the camera and pleads “I just want to sing to an audience who are actually listening; this is my last chance…”.

Song – Mustang Sally
Style – Neil Diamond having spent 50 years sorting through broken glass and used nappies.
Chance of winning – Simon Callow would never allow it as he is old and therefore not good value for money.