The Inspector Tockenheim Mysteries – Inspector Tockenheim loves in.
Loving young couple Spencer and Jemima are cavorting around the village green, the very picture of young love. However there “summer of love” is soon to turn into “notorious glove” due to the interjection of some steep steps.
Jemima: Oh noes I am fallen down the steps, or was I pushed!?
Spencer: My love is dead (indicated by blood coming out of her head) but the most important thing to note is that it wasn’t my fault. Now to dispose of the body in an acid bath just to make sure no one thinks it was me.
He begins to pick up the body of his love, while crying like a big girl.
Blind Harold: Not so fast young Spencer, I saw everything that happened from across the dunes and I know that you pushed Jemima down those stairs. You are a murderer!
Spencer: But Blind Harold, why are you looking over the dunes at two young lovers? Also you are blind!
Blind Harold: Irrelevant! The only thing I can’t work out is why you would kill Jemima when you were so much in love!
A young woman steps out of the shadows
Jesse: That’s because he was having an affair with me all along!
Blind Harold: CRIPES!
Spencer: (Using his latent psychic connection to Inspector Tockenheim – gained when he briefly became the owner of the illuminate pendant while Tockenheim was frozen in carbonite.)
Tockenheim, I need your HELP.
Inspector Tockenheim appears on his trademark Flying Tockarpet, trundling behind him is the dim witted Constable Cogsworthy.
Cogsworthy: Blimey Inspector this looks like a right royal mix up an’ no mistake. Ow’s we ever gonna sort out this mess?
Tockenheim: Oh Cogsworthy! Even without my Illuminati Pendant I can make short work of this mystery – a good thing too because I left it on my bedside table! Actually that is a hilarious joke as Tockenheim never leaves behind his pendant..observe!
Tockenheim whips out his Iulluminati pendant and uses it to deduce the facts of the case.
Tockenheim: Aha! Its obvious who the real culprit is here, you see those stairs aren’t stairs at all but a trapdoor into the dungeons of Blind Harold or to give him his true name. NOT BLIND HAROLD!
Not Blind Harold: Curse you Inspector, but you’ll never take me in. I’m not going back to prison again, they make you pick all your shopping out of the Argos catalogue so you don’t get to pick what Jurassic Park Dinosaur you get! One of an assortment is no good, I have three Velociraptors and not one Dilophosaurus, what kind of live is that!?
Blind Harold jumps off the edge of a cliff and is impaled on the rocky crags.
Cogsworthy: But inspector, I don’t understand….
Tockenheim: Of course you don’t you ancillary ape man! And there is no reason why I should have to explain anything to you as it isn’t really your business. But I will anyway…you see Jesse is actually Jemima wearing a wig!
Spencer: Gasp!
Tockenheim: You see, Not Blind Harold’s Dungeon is actually in a different dimension where time runs more quickly. Once she had fallen down the ‘stairs’ but actually down a trapdoor into the dungeon where Not Blind Harold brainwashed her into wearing wigs and thinking she had a different name. It seemed like seconds to us, but it was jears for Blind Harold.
Spencer: But why!?
Tockenheim: That’s the clever bit! You see Not Blind Harold enjoyed raping young women!
Spencer: But what about the body at the bottom of the stairs?
Tockenheim: Oh that was just a clever facsimile made of pipe cleaners, enough to fool the untrained eye but not enough to fool TOCKENHEIM!
Cogsworthy: How fiendishly clever!
Tockenheim: Indeed, now I have to be off , I’m late for my date!
Cogsworthy: Inspector, I never knew you ‘ad an eye for the ladies!
Tockenheim: We can’t investigate all the time, although I intend to be doing some through investigations later….investigations into sexual intercourse that is!
FIN.
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